Cowboy Bebop: The Funnier Sessions
by RySenkari
Summary: It's the sequel to the hit parodysatire Cowboy Bebop: The Funny Sessions! Featuring NEW adventures, NEW bountyheads, and more, it's the NEW season of Cowboy Bebop, Ry Senkaristyle!
1. Barbarian Blues

Here it is, the sequel you've all been waiting for! It's Cowboy Bebop: The FUNNIER Sessions! Funnier than funny! Oh yes! Ya might wanna read The Funny Sessions if you haven't done it yet! Welp, here we go!

---

Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop, or any of the characters. I also don't own any of the barbarians… they're just there. I think. 

Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now.

---

Aboard the Bebop…

"So, Faye, what are we going to do today?" Jet asked. It had been exactly one week since Spike and Vicious had killed each other. Yes, they are dead. Get over it.

"I'm going to visit Spike's grave today," Faye said.

"You what?" Jet asked.

"You heard me, Jet," Faye said. "I'm going to Mars to visit Spike's grave. I even bought this flower to put on it."

  
Faye held up a rose.

"Ouch!" Faye said as one of the thorns pricked her finger. "Third time today…"

"Maybe you oughta put that in a vase," Jet said.

"Maybe I oughta put YOU in a vase," Faye replied.

"How can you do that?" Jet asked. "Vases are small, and… is it a big vase?"

Faye turned and left the room without saying anything to Jet. 

  
"Oh sure, go on without me," Jet said. "But if you get captured again, I'm not saving you!"  


---

****

Session 27: Barbarian Blues

---

Jet sighed.

"I think I'll go check on today's bounties," Jet said, turning on the TV.

****

BIGGERSHOT- The NEW Show For Bounty Hunters

A Mexican-looking man and a blonde-haired woman appeared on the screen. The blonde-haired woman was in a strait jacket.

The NEW Paunch: Hello, I'm the NEW Paunch who they hired to replace the old one who got killed!  


Crazy Judy: And I'm the old Judy who they had to put in a strait jacket because I killed the old Paunch.

The NEW Paunch: So, Crazy Judy, what is our all NEW bounty for today?

Crazy Judy: Today we have three *lunges at The NEW Paunch* I'm gonna kill you! Kill! *shakes her head* Where was I?

  
The NEW Paunch: Did you forget to take your pills today?

Crazy Judy: I think I did….

The NEW Paunch: Anyway, buckaroos, we have three new bounties! Alaric, Attila, and Odoacer are the three members of a brutal street gang called the Barbarians! They specialize in vandalism, especially gravesites!

"Eh?" Jet said.

Crazy Judy: There's a 2 million wulong bounty on all three of these guys, with a 3 million wulong bonus for bringing all of them in!

The NEW Paunch: That comes out to 9 million all NEW wulongs!

  
Crazy Judy: Yay! *starts foaming at the mouth* I'm gonna kill you! *lunges at The NEW Paunch* 

Jet turned off the TV.

"Gravesites?" Jet said. "Uh oh… Faye's in trouble!"

---

Meanwhile, Faye's Redtail landed in the middle of a crowded city on Mars.

"Now to find Spike's grave," Faye said. "I loved him so much! Ow!"  
  
Faye put her finger in her mouth.

  
"Maybe I should put this in a vase," Faye said. She walked down the street and stopped in front of a small building.

"Welcome to the Vase Store!" said a short-looking man in front of the building.

"Wow, that was quick," Faye said. She walked into the Vase Store and began looking around.

"May I help you?" said a beautiful-looking woman behind the counter. Faye walked up to the counter and held up the rose.

"I need a vase for this," Faye said. "It keeps pricking my finger!"

Faye winced and held up her index finger, which was covered in cuts.

"Ew," the woman said. "You DO need a vase…"

The woman held up a large crystalline vase that was covered in diamond and gold plating.

"This is our very best vase," the woman said. "It costs 9 million wulongs."  
  
"Don't you have anything cheaper?" Faye asked.

"Yes, we do, but they were all bought," the woman said.

Faye looked around the store. Sure enough, the store's entire stock of vases was gone.

"Why didn't I notice that before?" Faye whined.

"I don't know, but I know one thing," the woman said. "Either you give me 9 million wulongs, or no vase for you."  
  
"But my finger-"

"NO VASE FOR YOU!" the woman shouted. "Thank you, come again."

---

Faye walked out of the Vase Shop, holding her rose. 

"Now, where am I gonna get 9 million wulongs?" Faye asked. The rose pricked her finger again. "Ouch!"

"Did you find the vase you were looking for?" the short man outside the store asked. Faye growled and slashed the man's face with the rose. 

"No, I didn't!" Faye yelled.

"That was uncalled for," the man said. "Have a nice day!"  


---

Back aboard the Bebop…

"Nobody's here," Jet said. "The Bebop is totally empty!"

Jet smiled.

"HELLO?" Jet yelled. "ANYBODY THERE?"

The only reply was Jet's own echo, reverberating throughout the ship.

  
"I'm all alone," Jet said. "I can do something I always wanted to do."

Jet reached under the couch and pulled out a large box filled with videos.

"Oh yeah, baby," Jet said. "These videos are awesome."  
  
Jet took out one of the videos and looked it over.

"This is gonna be sweet," Jet said. "Ever since I got this VCR from the museum in Episode 18, I have always wanted to do this, but since I've never been alone…"

Jet popped the video into the VCR. And then…

"Barney is a dinosaur from our imagination!" the TV blared. "And when he's tall he's what we call a dinosaur sensation!"

"I just LOVE Barney!" Jet squealed.

---

Meanwhile, back on Mars…  


"This must be the graveyard," Faye said, walking into the large field on the top of a hill. Many graves were scattered about, but the grave at the center of the graveyard was the one that caught Faye's eye. She walked over to it. "This is Spike's grave…"

Faye knelt down next to the gravestone and held the rose in her hand.

"Ouch!" Faye said again, dropping the rose. "I need a vase…" 

Faye looked down to see that her stylish yellow leather vest was stained with blood.

  
"Oh no!" Faye whined. "It takes forever to get this clean!"  
  
Faye stood up and ran back to the Redtail to get a wetnap.

"Here we go," Faye said, pulling a wetnap from the Redtail's glove compartment. She began wiping the blood of of her vest. "Darn it, get clean!"  


Faye smiled.

  
"Whew, close one," Faye sighed. "Now to get back to mourning Spike."

Faye walked over to Spike's grave. But when she got there, she saw that three men were kneeling by it.

"Hey!" Faye yelled. "What are you guys doing?"  
  
The three men turned around. The first thing that Faye noticed is that all three men were dressed very funny. They were wearing vests and pants made out of animal furs, and pointy battle helmets on their head. They also sported very long beards and mustaches. The battle helmets were all different colors: one red, one blue, and one green.

"We're vandalizing this grave!" the red-helmeted man said. "My name is Attila, leader of the Barbarians!"

"My name is Alaric," the blue-helmeted man said. "We're Vandals!"  


"And my name is Odoacer," the green-helmeted man said. "And we are NOT Vandals. We're Visigoths."

"You're both wrong!" Attila said. "We're Huns!"

"Either way, we're all the Barbarians," Alaric said. The three men stepped back to reveal Spike's grave, covered with graffiti.

"What… what did you do?" Faye sobbed. Her eyes were wet with tears. "How dare you vandalize Spike's grave!"  
  
"I don't care whose grave it is," Attila said. "We like to vandalize and you can't stop us!"  


"Oh yeah?" Faye said. She pointed her trusty Glock at the three vandals… er… Visigoths… er… Huns… er… Barbarians. "Reach for the sky!"  


Attila reached behind his back and took out a large axe. He pointed it at Faye.

"I will punish you in the name of the Huns!" Attila shouted.

"Visigoths," Odoacer said, taking out a spear and pointing it at Faye. "En garde!"

"Vandals!" Alaric yelled, taking out his sword. "Prepare to die!"

  
"Uh, gentlemen, I have a gun," Faye said. "Guns are better than all of your weapons put together."

"What's a gun?" Attila asked. "Huns don't use guns!"

"Visigoths," Odoacer said.

  
"Vandals," Alaric said. "Anyway, guns are for losers!"

Alaric ran at Faye and slashes at her with his sword. Faye leaped out of the way and shot Alaric in the hand. Alaric dropped his sword and clutched his hand in pain.

"Owie!" Alaric yelled. "You gave me an owie!"

"How DARE you attack a member of our lusty gang!" Odoacer shouted. "Feel cold steel!"  


Odoacer jabbed at Faye with his spear. Faye responded by shooting Odoacer in the hand. Odoacer dropped the spear and fell to the ground with Alaric.

"It seems you have defeated my men," Attila said. He pointed his axe at Faye. "Now I, Attila, the mighty Hun-"

"Visigoth," Odoacer said, still clutching his hand.

"Vandal," Alaric said.

"I'll shoot off your hand too!" Faye yelled. She pointed her gun at Attila and fired. The gun made a clicking noise. "What? Oh no, it's jammed!"  


"Ha ha!" Attila laughed, clutching his mighty stomach in glee. "Your pathetic guns are small and unreliable! But a mighty axe never fails!"

Attila swung his axe as Faye, missing her by a hair. Faye stumbled back in fear.

"What's wrong, woman?" Attila asked. "Are you scared of the mighty leader of the Huns?"  


"Visigoths," Odoacer said.  
  
"Vandals," Alaric said.

  
"I'm not scared of you!" Faye yelled. "But I'm really ticked off!"

Faye growled.

"Take this!" Attila yelled, swinging the axe at Faye again. Faye ducked under the axe, again, missing it by a hair.

"What am I going to do?" Faye shouted.

__

"Believe."

"What was that?" Faye asked. "Is that…"

"What are you doing?" Attila yelled. "Are you praying to your pathetic Roman gods? The Huns shall rule all!"

"Visi- oh, just screw it," Odoacer said.

__

"Believe, Faye. This guy is nothing."

"Spike, is that you?" Faye asked.

  
"No, you idiot!" yelled a voice from above Faye. Faye looked up to see Jet, hovering above her in his Hammerhead.

"Looks like I've gotta save your butt again," Jet said. "And I was watching Bar- er, porn too."

"Jet, my gun jammed!" Faye yelled.

  
"Believe!" Jet said.

  
"What's that supposed to mean?" Faye asked.

"Knock him out with the butt of your gun!" Jet yelled.

"Oh yeah!" Faye said. She walked up to Attila and smacked her gun against the back of his head.

"This helmet protects my head!" Attila shouted. "That won't work!"  
  
"Okay, I'll try this then," Faye said, taking off Attila's helmet, and then knocking him out with the butt of her gun.

"Good show!" Jet said, giving Faye a thumbs-up. "Now let's turn these guys in and get that 9 million wulong bounty!"  


"Wait, Jet, did you say 9 million wulongs?" Faye asked.

"Yeah, I did," Jet said. "Why?"  
  
Faye grabbed the incapacitated Barbarians and dragged them into her Redtail, then flew off.

"Crap, I messed up again," Jet said. "Oh well, now I can go watch some more Barney!"

---

A while later, at Spike's grave…

"Here you go, Spike," Faye said, setting the rose, now inside the gold and diamond vase, next to Spike's grave. "A flower for you…"

Faye got up and left the graveyard. She got into the Redtail and flew off. Right after she did, some punk teenage kid, seeing that the coast was clear, grabbed the 9 million wulong vase and ran off. You don't leave a freaking 9 million wulong vase out in the open, idiot! *smacks Faye*

---

Back aboard the Bebop…

"I love Spike," Faye said.

"I want to make a bet with you," Jet said. "I bet that by the end of this fanfic, you'll fall in love with someone else besides Spike."

"How much do you want to bet?" Faye asked.

"Not much," Jet said. "10,000 wulongs."  
  
"It's a deal," Faye said. "I love Spike!"

"Yeah, I bet I just lost 10,000 wulongs," Jet said. "I am such a sucker."

__

See you, NEW space cowboy…

---

Faye: On the new episode of Bebop, I go after a therapist!

Jet: A therapist?

Faye: Yep!

Jet: Aren't you missing a space somewhere?  
  
Faye: No, I don't think so…

Jet: In between the e and the r?

Faye: Er… uh oh.

Andy: I think MY assistance will be needed.

Faye: Where did YOU come from?  
  
Andy: From a land of heroes and more heroes, I am Cowboy Andy, riding endlessly through the night on my noble steed!

Faye: Whatever. Next episode of Bebop… "Andy Saves Faye Sonata". Oh, real original. And what's the deal with a style of music having to be in almost every episode title? Sonata? What's the deal with that? And ANDY SAVES FAYE?

Andy: Oh yeah!

Faye: This is gonna be a long parody… 


	2. Andy Saves Faye Sonata

Reviews! 8 of them! Thank you guys for reviewing my first chapter!

Blooknaberg: Yep, I got that image of Woody too! But Faye is a space cowboy, ya know? ^_^ 

NessacusGirl: Hello! Thank you sooo much for reviewing! Don't worry, plenty of AndyxFaye in this chapter!

The Review Guy: I read your fanfic! A couple of them anyway. Very funny! Thanks for reviewing!

Atomic One: Well, Attila's a big dumb barbarian. Maybe next time he should make sure his helmet stays on his head! 

Katie: Aw, don't worry, I'd be skeptical of a Bebop sequel too! But I'm glad you enjoyed it!

Woodstock: Yep, Jet and Barney. The dude's gotta entertain himself somehow!

RoarMuscle: Maybe you shouldn't drink soda pop while reading my story. Thanks for reviewing!

Sam: Thanks for reviewing! I got more right now!

---

Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop, or any of the characters. That includes Andy, who is so awesome and maybe even more awesome than Spike. You heard me! 

Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now.

---

A little old lady walked through the crowded streets of a city on Mars. She was holding a large grocery bag.

"Now to put this money in a safe place," the old lady said. "I hope no one tries to rob me!"  


"Put the money down, old lady!" yelled a rough-sounding voice from a nearby alley. Several masked men stepped out of the alley, holding knives, bottles, and chains.

"Oh no!" the old lady shrieked.

"Give us the money and we won't hurt you," one of the muggers said. "Much."  
  
The muggers started laughing. They advanced toward the old lady.

"Someone, help!" the old lady yelled.

'Go Go Cactus Man' started to play.

"What's that music?" one of the muggers asked, looking around.

  
"Where is it coming from?" another mugger asked. The faint clicking of hooves could be heard, gradually getting closer.

"Stand back, there's a hurricane coming through!" yelled a voice from the darkness.

"Wha?" the old lady said.

  
"Er, I mean…"

The darkness gave way to a horse slowly walking out of the shadows. Riding the horse was a tall man wearing a fancy brown trenchcoat, a cowboy hat, and a million-dollar smile.

"Stop, evildoers!" the rider shouted. "Cowboy Andy is here!"  
  
"Oh yeah?" the leader of the muggers yelled. "Get him!"

The five muggers charged Cowboy Andy. Andy leaped off the horse and instantly floored two of the muggers with one powerful kick to both of their heads. Two more muggers swung their chains at Cowboy Andy. Andy caught the chains, one in each hand, and gave them a tug, knocking the two muggers off their feet. The leader of the muggers held a knife menacingly in his hand.

"So you beat some of my cronies," the mugger said. "Now take this!"

The mugger stabbed at Andy viciously. Andy easily leaped out of the way.

"Ah, ah, ah, little man," Andy said. "The hero always wins!"

  
Andy leaped up and kicked the mugger hard in the face. The mugger staggered back. Andy lunged forward and punched the mugger in the gut. The mugger dropped the knife and fell to the ground. 

"Oh, Cowboy Andy, my hero!" the old lady said. 

  
"It's nothing," Andy said. "Really."  
  
Andy punched the old lady in the gut. The old lady fell over, dropping the bag of cash. Andy looked into the bag.

  
"There's red ink all over these bills," Andy said. "Just as I thought. Looks like I caught the 'Old Lady Bandit'."

Andy picked up the unconscious old lady, put her on his horse, got on the horse himself, and then rode off into the night.

---

****

Session 28- Andy Saves Faye Sonata

---

Aboard the Bebop…

"Jet, I'm bored!" Faye whined. "We haven't gone after any bounties in a week."

"It's not been the same since Spike kicked the bucket," Jet said. 

"Don't remind me!" Faye yelled.

  
"You loved Spike, didn't you?" Jet asked.

"No duh, Sherlock," Faye said.

"I mean, you LOVED him. You LOOOOOOVED Spike," Jet said.

"Argh! I hate you! Why must you always remind me of Spike?" Faye shrieked. She burst into tears and ran into her room.

"Yeah, I thought she'd do that," Jet said. He picked up the remote for the Bebop's TV. "Let's see what's on the old teletubby. Oh man, I hope Teletubbies is on."

Jet turned on the TV.

****

BIGGERSHOT- The NEW Show For Bounty Hunters

The NEW Paunch: Hello and welcome to Biggershot! 

Crazy Judy: We've got a bounty today that's worth a crazy amount of wulongs!  


The NEW Paunch: As crazy as you?  


Crazy Judy: *starts foaming at the mouth* I'll kill you! *lunges at The NEW Paunch* Ouch! *holds her butt* Unnh… *falls over*

The NEW Paunch: Those tranquilizers sure pack a wallop, don't they? Anyway, our new bounty is a really bad guy! His name is Sigmund Freud! *props up the unconscious Crazy Judy and imitates her voice* Like the psychiatrist? *drops Crazy Judy* That's right! *props up Crazy Judy* What did he do? *drops Crazy Judy* He's accused of charging too much for his sessions! *props up Crazy Judy* What's he worth? *drops Crazy Judy* 10 million wulongs! *props up Crazy Judy* Wow!

Jet turned off the TV.

"I'm getting that bounty," Jet said. He hopped into the Hammerhead and sped off.

---

Meanwhile, in Faye's room…

"Spike…" Faye sighed, holding up a picture of Spike. "I love you…"

Faye sighed again.

"Wait a second," Faye said. "I think I hear Jet's fighter speeding off… oh no you didn't!"  
  
Faye waved her finger.

  
"Oh, no you DIDN'T!" Faye yelled, waving her finger. "Uh-uh! Uh-uh! Uh-uh! No you didn't!"  


Faye ran out of the room, hopped into the Redtail, and followed Jet's Hammerhead.

---

"Doc, I've been having these obsessive spells lately," said a teenage boy who was lying in a couch. He appeared to be talking to a psychiatrist. On the psychiatrist's desk was a small nameplate that read "Sigmund Freud: Therapist" 

"What kind of obsession?" the psychiatrist asked, writing in a clipboard. 

"Well, I have this obsession with… uh… porn," the teenage boy said.

"That's perfectly normal," the psychiatrist said. "A lot of people like porn."  


"No," the teenage boy said. "Uh… I like… uh… Kirby porn."  
  
"Kirby porn?" the psychiatrist asked. "But Kirby's always naked."

"Well, somebody must be a really good drawer then, because-"

The door opened, interrupting the boy.

  
"Dr. Freud," said a female secretary. "There's a balding man here to see you, and-"

Jet pushed the secretary out of the way and burst into the room. 

"Alright, Freud, the jig's up!" Jet yelled. "You're coming with me!"

"What?" Freud said, surprised.

"You've got a ten million wulong bounty on your head, and I'm taking you down!" Jet said.

  
"Sit down," Freud said.

"But what about my Kirby porn obsession?" the teenage boy asked. Freud promptly took out a gun and shot the boy in the head. The boy slumped out of the couch and hit the floor. Jet gasped.

"Hey, you killed him!" Jet yelled.

"Sit down," Freud said again.

"You're a murderer!" Jet yelled. "I'm taking you-"  
  
"Why are you so angry?" Freud asked. "Surely there must be something from your childhood that is causing so much anger in you."

"Well…" Jet said. "There was this one time…"

Jet walked over to the couch and sat down in it, facing Freud.

"Well, when I was a young lad, I was picked on by bullies," Jet said. 

  
"I see, I see," Freud said, writing in his clipboard, and slowly loading a tranquilizer dart into his gun. "Go on."

---

Faye walked into the door of the psychiatrist's office and jogged up to the reception desk.

"Where's Freud?" Faye asked.

"He's in a meeting with someone right now," the secretary said.

  
"Who?" Faye asked.

  
"Some old guy," the secretary said. "He's almost bald."

"That's Jet!" Faye said. "And he's not old, he's 36."

"Really?" the secretary said. "Because I kinda think he's sexy…"

"Shut up," Faye said, walking past the receptionist.

"Hey!" the secretary yelled. "You need an appointment!"

---

Meanwhile, in Freud's office…

"And they pushed me into the mud!" Jet yelled. "I don't believe it!"

"Go on," Freud said, pointing the gun at Jet's leg.

  
"Well-"

Freud shot the tranquilizer dart into Jet's leg.

"You tricked me!" Jet yelled. "You… you… so sleepy…"

  
Jet slumped in the couch, asleep. Freud smiled and put a bullet into his gun.

"And now-"  
  
"Jet, that bounty is mine!" Faye yelled, bursting into the room. "And furthermore-"

Faye's eyes traveled down to the fallen Jet. 

"Oh," Faye said. "I see…"  
  
"Sit down," Freud said.

"No!" Faye yelled. "I want that bounty! At least, I think that's why Jet left… he doesn't need therapy…"

"Actually, I do have a bounty on my head," Freud said. "Ten million wulongs."

Faye's eyes lit up.

  
"Really? This is great! Finally, my luck is starting to look up!" Faye squealed. 

"No, no, no," Freud said. He pointed his gun at Faye. "My luck is starting to look up."  
  
Faye's eyes suddenly grew wide with terror.

"Uh oh…" Faye said to herself. 

"And you see," Freud said, walking over to his desk and pointing at his nameplate. "My name isn't 'Freud'…"

The evil 'psychiatrist' flipped over the nameplate on his desk. It now read: "Sigmund Fraud: The Rapist".

"Oh crap," Faye said. "Does that say…"  
  
"It does," Fraud said, smiling. 

"Geez, that's so cliché," Faye said. "Is there a bad guy in the universe who DOESN'T want to rape me?"  


"Well, Lin was gay…" Fraud said. "But other than that, nope. So, let's get started!"

'Go Go Cactus Man' started to play.

"What's that music?" Fraud said.

"It can't be…" Faye said. "There's no way…"  


A faint clicking of hooves could be heard in the distance.

"What's making that noise?" Fraud yelled. "What-"

Just then, a mighty steed burst through the door, shattering it to pieces. The horse galloped around the room and came to a stop between Faye and Fraud. And can you guess who was riding on the horse?

"I know! I know!" Andy said, raising his hand and jumping up like a schoolboy. "I know!"  
  
Andy hopped off the horse and tipped his hat to Faye. The horse galloped out of the room. 

"How do you do, ma'am?" Andy asked. "Don't I know you from somewhere?"  


Faye smiled… and then slapped Andy across the face.

"You think you can just waltz in here with your horse and save me?" Faye asked. "I can defend myself, you know!"  


"Miss, I'm sorry, but-" Andy stammered before Faye slapped him again.

"And another thing!" Faye yelled. "Don't you notice anything?"  
  
"No, not really," Andy said. "I don't even know you!"  
  
Faye slapped Andy again.

"I'm Faye, remember!" Faye yelled. "And Spike is dead! And-"  
  
"DON'T SLAP ME!" Andy yelled. He immediately put his hands over his mouth. "Sorry for yelling, miss…"  
  
"Don't call me miss!" Faye yelled. "I'm-"  
  
Fraud shot his gun into the air. Andy and Faye turned around, looking startled.

"Remember, I have the gun," Fraud said, smiling. "Now both of you, against the wall!"  
  
Andy immediately did what Fraud said, standing against the wall obediently.

"Faye, do what he says!" Andy shouted.

"No!" Faye said. "I'm going to prove to you, Mr. Andy Oniyate, that I can defend myself!"

Fraud immediately put Faye in a headlock and pointed his gun at her head.

"Ha!" Fraud said. "Now, nobody move!"

Fraud began to back out of the room, dragging Faye with him.

"Wait!" Andy shouted. Fraud stopped.

"What now?" Fraud yelled. 

"Look behind you," Andy said. Fraud turned around. Andy immediately took out his gun and shot Fraud in the head. Fraud dropped Faye and fell to the ground. Faye ran over to Andy.

"Oh, Andy!" Faye said, a smile on her face. "You saved me!"

"All in a day's work, miss," Andy said, smiling. "Because I'm Cowboy An-"

Faye kicked Andy in the crotch. Andy doubled over in pain.

"That guy had a ten million wulong bounty on him!" Faye yelled. "Thanks a lot!"

"Ouch…" Andy groaned.

---

Back aboard the Bebop…

"I can't believe it, Jet!" Faye yelled. "He can't stay!"  
  
"He saved us both," Jet said. "He insisted on staying."  
  
"My darling Faye, would you mind feeding my horse today?" Andy asked. "I've gotta go to a cowboy convention."  
  
A horse neighed in the background.

"Feed your own horse!" Faye yelled angrily. "I could have saved myself, you know!"  


Faye huffed and walked off.

"She seems a lot more irritable since the last time we were together," Andy said.

"She thought she'd be the hero of this season," Jet said. "She just wanted the screen time."

"Nope!" Andy said, smiling. "From now on, this show shall be called 'Andy Bebop'!"

Jet frowned.

"We're letting you live here," Jet said. "Don't get greedy.

"Alright," Andy said meekly.

__

See you, space Andy…

---

Andy: Now that I'm a permanent cast member…

Faye: Permanent pain-in-the-butt is more like it.

  
Andy: I get to chase after all the bountyheads!

Faye: Oh, no you don't!

Jet: Kids, kids, settle down! You both get to chase bountyheads! Anyway, the next bountyhead is a very bad man!

Andy: Bad indeed! He's a murderous murder from the planet Murder!

Faye: And he's got Andy in his sights!

Andy: *laughs* Big mistake!

Faye: Next episode of Funny Sessions, "Murder Murder Melody"! Let the Andy hit the floor.

Andy: I heard that!


	3. Murder Murder Melody

Ten reviews? You really like me!

The Review Guy: Yes! Go forth and tell your friends about the glory of this fanfic! Weee!

NessacusGirl: I took it and got Road to the West! Go Go Cactus Man is awesome, though! Heroic-sounding! And go Andy! And poor Jet and Faye! But go Andy!

Writeress: Faye gets raped enough as it is. And rape isn't funny… unless it's like a giant hamster raping a dude, like in Nutty Professor II.

Katie: I cease to entertain you? Shouldn't it be NEVER cease? Unless I'm not funny anymore… oh no!

Trunkz: Okay, here's the next chapter!

MinaraTheNightwalker: Yep! Fun!

Anonymous Guy: Cool song! Uh huh!

Nowhere Man: Thank you!

Blooknaberg: Aw, your review got cut off? Be sure ta write a long one this time! Or don't, it doesn't matter! ^_^

---

Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop, or any of the characters. If I did, this would be a series on prime-time TV which everyone would love. Yay!

Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now.

---

Aboard the Bebop…

"Why do we have to go to Earth?" Faye whined.

  
"New bounty," Jet said. "He's a murderer who's murdered a whole mess of people, and there's a 40 million wulong bounty on his head."  


"F-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-" Faye stuttered.

  
"Don't worry, Faye, I shall protect you from the murderer, for I am Cowboy Andy!" Andy declared. Faye ignored him, her eyes now in the shape of dollar signs.

"F-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-for-for-for-for-ty…." Faye stuttered. "Mi-mi-mi-mi-mil-mil-mil…"

"Faye, you alright?" Jet asked, waving his arm in front of Faye's face.

"Mil-mil-million w-w-w-w-wu-wu-wu-wu-wu…." Faye stuttered.

"She's in a money trance," Andy said.

"If we hurry, we can sneak a peek at her boobs!" Jet said. Andy frowned at him.

"Wu-wu-wu-wu-wu-longs…" Faye stammered. "Forty million wulongs? It's mine!"  
  
Faye sprinted into the Redtail and flew off toward Earth.

"And there she goes," Jet said. "I'm not even going to try getting the bounty this time."  
  
"Well, I have to go and protect Faye!" Andy declared, hopping onto his horse. "And… I'm off!"

Andy's horse galloped over to the Bebop's airlock.

  
"Uh…. Jet?" Andy said. "I need a ship for me and my horse…"

---

****

Session 29- Murder Murder Melody

---

Meanwhile, in a house somewhere on Earth, a man was taking a shower.

"La la la," the man sang. "I'm taking a shower…"

The shower curtain opened to reveal a man carrying a huge knife and a big bottle of chocolate.

"Hello," the knife-wielding man said. "I'm going to stab you to death and then pour this chocolate in your shower."

"Aaaaah!" the showering man screamed. The knife-wielding man the showering man to death. The screen turned to black and white as the chocolate was poured in the shower. Then, the screen turned back to color again. See, because in the original Psycho-

"Shut up," the murderer said.

---

Faye's Redtail landed on Earth in the middle of a small town. 

"Now to get those wulongs!" Faye declared. "F-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-orty… mi-mi-mi-mi-mi-"

A small boy walked up to Faye.

"You okay, lady?" the boy asked. "Oooh, you have balloons in your shirt! I want one!"

"Mi-mi-mi-mi-million…" Faye stuttered.

"Grrr… I want balloons!" the boy yelled. "I'll just get them myself!"

The boy pulled back Faye's red jacket and vest.

"Those aren't balloons!" the boy cried, pushing the vest and jacket back into place. "Waaaaaaaah!"

"Wu-wu-wu-wulongs…" Faye stammered. She looked at the boy.

"Hello," Faye said. "How are you?"

"You made me think you had balloons! But they weren't balloons!" the boy cried. "I hate you!"

The boy kicked Faye in the leg.

"Owwww!" Faye yelled. "Why did you do that?"

"Go Go Cactus Man" started to play. The faint clicking of a horse's hooves could be heard in the background.

"What's that?" the boy asked. "It sounds like a horsey!"

Cowboy Andy rode up to Faye and hopped off of the horse.

"Hello there, little boy!" Andy said. "Hello, Faye."  


"Wow, you're cool!" the boy said in an amazed tone. "Can I ride your horse?"  
  
"Don't let him," Faye said. "He kicked me in the leg!"

Cowboy Andy bent over to the boy's level and stared him straight in the face.

"Why did you kick my friend?" Andy asked.

"She had balloons in her shirt, and I asked her to sell me some, and she ignored me!" the boy cried. "So I looked in her shirt to get the balloons, and they weren't balloons!"

Andy stared at the boy. Faye's face turned red with rage.

"YOU LOOKED AT MY BOOBS?!?!" Faye yelled. "WHY YOU-"

"Forty million wulongs," Andy said softly. Faye's face immediately turned back to normal.

"Never mind!" Faye yelled. "Bye!"

Faye ran off.

"Why did she get mad?" the boy asked.

"You'll find out when you're older," Andy said. "Where are your parents?"

"They got stabbed by the murderer that's been running around…" the boy said sadly. He began to cry.

"Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!" the live studio audience said.

"Aw, that's sad!" Andy said. "Don't worry, child! I shall catch the murderer and avenge your parents!"

"Mr. Cowboy sir?" the boy said, tugging on Andy's sleeve.

"Yes?" Andy said. "What is it?"  
  
"Can I ride your horse?" the boy asked.

"Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!" the live studio audience said again.

"Since when did we have a live studio audience?" Andy asked. Several disappointed sighs came from the studio audience, followed by the sound of a large door being opened and shut several times, and then, silence.

"So, can I ride your horse?" the boy asked.

"Sure!" Andy said. He set the boy on top of the horse and then climbed onto the horse himself. 

  
"By the way," Andy said, "what's your name?"

"My name is Mikey!" the boy said.

"Alright then!" Andy said. "Let's go!"

The horse rode off with Andy and Mikey.

---

Meanwhile, Faye continued to wander around the town, looking for anyone suspicious.

"I have to find that murderer and get that f-f-f-f-f-forty million wu-wu-wu-wulongs!" Faye said happily. Suddenly, she heard a scream off in the distance. The scream appeared to be coming from one of the houses close to Faye.

"Help!" yelled a woman's voice. "The murderer!"

Faye ran into the house and held her gun out in front of her.

"Where's the murderer?" Faye said, looking around. "Where?"  


"Ha ha, fooled you!" yelled a woman from around the room. She pointed and laughed at Faye.

"The murderer isn't here?" Faye asked.

"Nope!" the woman said. "I tricked you! Pretty funny, huh?"

"Have you ever heard about the boy who cried wolf?" Faye asked.

"Yeah, and it's really sad," the woman said. "There was this boy, and he got eaten by a wolf, and-"

"Why did you do that?" Faye asked. "It really wasn't very nice. And furthermore-"

"Aaaaah!" the woman screamed. Faye jumped about a foot in the air.

  
"What is it?" Faye asked.

The woman began to laugh again.

  
"Gotcha!" the woman laughed. "Heehee! Heehee!"

"Darn it, stop that!" Faye yelled. Suddenly, the murderer leaped through the window and tackled the woman.

"Aaaah!" the woman shrieked. "Help me!"  


"Nope," Faye said, looking the other way. "Not gonna help."  
  
"But I'm telling the truth this time!" the woman yelled. "Please help me!"

  
The murderer raised his knife above the woman.

"The murderer's here!" the woman screamed.

"Nope," Faye said. "Not gonna-"

  
A gunshot rang out. The murderer dropped the knife and rolled off of the woman, clutching his hand. Andy's horse crashed through the window, and Mikey and Andy hopped off.

  
"Wow, that was cool!" Mikey said. "Can you do it again?"

Faye turned around.

"Andy, what are you doing?" Faye asked. Andy helped the woman that the murderer had attacked off of the ground.

"You okay?" Andy asked.

"I am… thanks to you," the woman said. She looked lovingly into Andy's eyes. Meanwhile, the murderer had grabbed his knife with his other hand.

"Andy, look out!" Faye yelled. Andy turned around just in time to see the murderer stabbing at him. Andy leaped out of the way. 

"Bwahaha!" the murderer laughed. "Stabby stabby stabby!"

Faye shot at the murderer several times. The murderer rolled out of the way.

"Hey, you mean murderer!" Mikey yelled. "You killed my mommy and daddy!"  


"Awwwwwwwwwwww!" the studio audience said.

"I TOLD YOU TO GO AWAY!" Andy yelled.

"Bwahaha!" the murderer laughed. "I murder a lot of people!"

"Well, it's not very nice!" Mikey yelled.

Faye pointed her gun at the murderer.

  
"You killed that kid's parents?" Faye asked. "What a jerk!"  


"Faye, wait!" Andy yelled. "If you kill him, you won't get the forty million wulongs…"  
  
"F-f-f-f-f-f-fo-fo-fo-fo-fo-fo-forty mi-mi-mi…" Faye stammered. The murderer ran behind the stammering Faye and held his knife to her neck.

  
"Bwahaha!" the murderer laughed. "Bwahahahaha!"

"Hey, this is kind of like last time," Andy said. "With the bad guy, and the Faye-hostage taking, and the bounty, and the saving…"

"Mr. Cowboy, you gotta do something!" Mikey said.

"Wu-wu-wu-wulongs…" Faye stammered, oblivious to the murderer. 

"Help me!" the liar woman from earlier yelled from across the room.

"Wha?" the murderer said, startled by the woman. Suddenly, Faye bit the murderer on the hand. The murderer dropped the knife.

"Argh!" the murderer yelled, holding his hand. "That-"

Faye kicked the murderer in the crotch. The murderer doubled over and collapsed to the ground in pain. Faye took out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man.

  
"Yay!" Faye squealed, doing a victory dance. "Forty million wulongs! F-f-f-f-f-f-fo-fo-fo-fo…"

"Mommy!" Mikey yelled, running into the liar woman's arms.

"Huh?" Andy said. "Wait, you said your mom AND dad were murdered!"  


"Nope!" Mikey said. "I lied! My dad's sleeping in his room, and my mom's here!"

  
Mikey and his mom started laughing. 

"A whole family of liars…" Andy groaned. "But I guess that wraps up the plot rather nicely."  


Andy turned to Faye.

"Come on," Andy said, gesturing to Faye. "Let's go."

Andy put Faye and the murderer onto his horse, then climbed onto the horse and rode off into the sunset.

---

Back aboard the Bebop…

"So you caught the murderer?" Jet said. "What did you spend the money on?"

"That's the funny thing," Andy said. "When we were riding off into the sunset, the murderer fell off of the horse and into the river."

"Waaaaah!" Faye wailed from the other room. "We lost f-f-f-f-f-f-fo-fo-fo-fo-fo-forty mi-mi-mi-mi-mi-mil-mil-mil-million wu-wu-wu-wu-wulongs!"

"Tough luck," Jet said. "I stayed home watching Bar- er, porn. I found a 25-wulong coin in the couch! I made more money than you!"

"Yeah, but we met a family of liars," Andy said. "So nyah."  


__

See you, space cowboy…

---

Andy: Next episode, we stop recycling jokes and start advancing the plot!

Faye: This fanfic has a plot? Coulda fooled me.

Applederry: Next episode, Jet starts to be phased out and I get phased in!  


Jet: I'm being phased out?  


Faye: Watch as we help Applederry catch a band of jewel thieves!

Applederry: I don't need help from you guys! Heck, I beat the crap out of Spike. So there!  
  
Andy: I think I'm beginning to like this guy. 

Faye: He beat up Spike? Grrr…

Applederry: Next episode of Bebop, "Applederry Comes Egging In"!

Faye: Where's Edward?

Applederry: Who?


	4. Applederry Comes Egging In

More reviews!

The Review Guy: Nah, Mikey's a liar, but he's an innocent liar. To him, those were balloons. ^_^ 

IluvRikku12: Ed'll be in soon, don't worry! Thanks for reviewing!

Woodstock: Nope, it was a little boy! And I'm glad you liked the joke!

NessacusGirl: Like I said, Ed'll be around soon! Your bro's name is Mikey too? Cool! 

Katie: Yup, that's what I thought ya meant! Don't worry, I'm not dragged down! Stabby stabby! ^_^

Retro: Don't worry, Andy's cooler than Spike! Well, as cool as Spike anyway…

Atomic One: Pretty funny site! And there WILL be a Funny Sessions Christmas episode! Later on, though!

---

Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop, or any of the characters. I do own the jewel thieves, and any jewels that they steal, which I will then sell and use to buy the rights to the rest of the characters. Mwahaha!

Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now.

---

Aboard the Bebop…

****

BIGGERSHOT- The NEW Show For Bounty Hunters!

The NEW Paunch: Oooh, we've got a great bounty for today, amigos!

  
Crazy Judy: That's right! Today, we have a trio of jewel thieves!

The faces of three scary-looking people were shown on the screen. One was a man and the other two were women.

The NEW Paunch: Di Amond, Red Ruby, and Emeril D. Sapphire have stolen jewels worth hundreds of millions of wulongs!  
  
Crazy Judy: And how much are these three worth?  


The NEW Paunch: One million a piece!  


Crazy Judy: What a ripoff! Wouldn't it be better to keep the jewels and kill the thieves?  
  
The NEW Paunch: Well…

  
Crazy Judy: KILLLLLLL! *lunges at The NEW Paunch*

The NEW Paunch: Aaaah!

"Those guys don't look too tough," Andy said. "Three million easy wulongs, here we come!"

  
"The computer says that they're currently in hiding on Earth," Jet said. 

  
"We have to go to Earth AGAIN?" Faye whined. "We just went to Earth…"

"There must be some reason why they're on Earth," Andy stated. "Some… really big jewel or something. Or maybe-"  
  
"Yada, yada, yada," Faye said. "Earth, here we come!"

---

****

Session 30- Applederry Comes Egging In

---

Meanwhile, on an abandoned field somewhere on Earth, Applederry and Macintyre were taking a break from their daily meteor search.

  
"So, Macintyre, you proposed yet?" Applederry asked, taking an egg sandwich out of his red lunchbox.

"I'm about to," Macintyre said. "Stephi is a beautiful woman, and a good cook too! She can make almost anything out of eggs!"

Macintyre took a small, black box out of his pocket and opened it up. Inside was a beautiful, shimmering golden ring with a brilliant diamond mounted on it.

"Holy crap, Macintyre, where'd you get the dough for a ring like that?" Applederry shouted. "That must have cost at least a million wulongs!"

  
"Three million," Macintyre said. "My poor grandma died and left me her fortune, which I used to purchase this beautiful ring! Stephi's gonna love it!"

"If you got an inheritance, why are you working with me?" Applederry asked. 

"Well-"

Suddenly, a big black convertible drove up to Applederry and Macintyre. The driver was a man wearing a green tuxedo with a sparkling green top hat. The woman sitting next to him wore a beautiful white fur coat and had long, blonde hair. The woman sitting in the back wore a long, red dress to match her long, red hair. The three young adults stepped out of the car and walked up to Macintyre and Applederry.

"What can I do for you?" Applederry asked.

  
"I would like to see the diamond," the blonde-haired woman said.

"Uh, how'd you know I had a diamond?" Macintyre asked.

"Well, uh…" the man stammered, "uh…"

"Hey, if you guys came to steal my buddy's diamond, you're in big trouble!" Applederry shouted. 

"Trouble?" the red-haired woman said. "Did he say… trouble?"  


"Yep!" the man said. 

"Prepare for trouble!" the blonde woman said.

"And make it triple!" the man shouted.

"To protect the world from devastation!" the red-haired woman yelled.

"To steal jewels from people of every nation!" the blonde woman said.

"To denounce the riches of woman and man!" the man shouted.

"To further promote Pete Rose's ban!" the red-haired woman shouted.

"Emeril D. Sapphire!" the man said.

"Red Ruby!" the red-haired woman said.

"Di Amond!" the blonde woman said.

"Team Family Jewels, snatching rocks at the speed of light!" Emeril said.

"And yes, we know that didn't sound right!" Di Amond said.

"Prepare to fight!" Red Ruby shouted.

Applederry and Macintyre began to convulse with laughter. When they finished, Macintyre's diamond ring was gone.

"Oh no!" Macintyre cried. "The diamond!"

"Their motto sucks so badly, it's funny!" Applederry said. "And then they steal your jewels while you're busy laughing!"

"We have to get my ring back!" Macintyre shouted.

"Go Go Cactus Man" began to play.

  
"Wha?" Applederry said. A cloud of dust could be seen rising up in the distance, and the sound of hooves began to ring in Applederry and Macintyre's ears.

"Sounds like an old-time Western hero!" Macintyre yelled. As soon as Macintyre finished his sentence, Andy's horse rode up to the two men. Faye and Andy hopped off of the horse.

  
"I sensed trouble afoot, so I came riding in!" Andy declared. "Because I'm the hero, you know."  
  
"You're not the hero, I'm the hero!" Applederry shouted. "Hey, you look a lot like a guy whose butt I kicked a while back… Spike, I think his name was."  


"Spike?" Faye cried? "SPIKE?"  
  
Faye burst into tears and began sobbing violently. 

"What's wrong with her?" Applederry asked.

  
"Spike died," Andy said. "It's very sad, but I'm not grieving, since Spike was my arch-rival and all. I had a sense of respect for him, though… I guess I am sad he's dead, but-"

"Are you just gonna stand there not being funny, or are you gonna be heroic?" Macintyre yelled. "I want my ring back!"

  
Faye's eyes lit up.

  
"Did you say ring?" Faye asked. "As in, diamond ring? As in… diamond ring that would look very pretty on my finger? As in-"

Andy put his hand over Faye's mouth.

"We'll return your ring and apprehend the vicious criminals that stole it!" Andy declared. He looked at Faye. "We'll RETURN the ring."

"Cramph," Faye grumbled.

---

"What a beautiful ring!" Di Amond said, holding up her ring finger for Emeril and Ruby to see. "Doesn't it look great?"  
  
"It would look better on ME," Ruby Red said, pulling the ring off of Di's finger.

  
"Hey!" Di yelled. "That ring's mine!"

"Oh yeah?" Ruby Red shouted. "You skanky-"

"Girls, girls, girls!" Emeril yelled. "You can both wear the ring. Di can wear it on all the days that begin with 'y', and Ruby can wear it on the other days."

"That's not fair!" Ruby yelled.

  
"THAT'S NOT FAIR!" Di screamed. "I want it more days than that!"

"Di, all of the days start with 'y'!" Ruby said.

"No they don't," Di grumbled, handing Ruby the ring. "But I get it tomorrow."

Ruby sighed and put on the ring.

"Hey, look!" Emeril said, pointing at a large spaceship off in the distance. "That ship looks like it's got a lot of jewels."

"Oooh! Like diamonds?" Di said.

  
"And rubies?" Ruby Red asked.

"A ship that big probably has every precious gem on it!" Emeril shouted. "Let's pillage it!"

The jewel thieves' car drove toward the Bebop at a rapid rate of speed.

---

Meanwhile, Andy's horse galloped through the desert, carrying Faye and Andy ever closer to the jewel thieves.

"If we follow the tracks that the jewel thieves' car made, we're bound to catch up to them!" Andy said.

"And then I'll- er… we'll get the ring and give it to me… er, give it back to me, er, Macapple, er, Macintyre, right?" Faye asked.

"Yeah, I think ER is a good show too," Andy replied.

  
"What?" Faye said.

"Hey, I think I see the thieves' car!" Andy yelled, pointing to a large object off in the distance.

"That's a rock," Faye said. Her eyes grew wide with fear. "And we're headed straight for it!"

"No we're not," Andy said. "Giddyup!"

  
Andy's horse neighed, and then leaped majestically over the huge rock.

  
"That was cool!" Faye said. "But I still hate you."

---

Aboard the Bebop…

"This is the best Barney episode ever!" Jet squealed.

"Alright, kids!" Barney said. "Let's sing a song!"

  
"Yay!" cheered the chorus of kids. Barney began to sing.

__

Ohhhhhh….

Drink your milk and don't do drugs!

Don't talk to strangers and don't eat bugs!

Go to bed at an early time!

  
Go to school and don't do crime!

Eat your fruits and your veggies too! 

But don't eat meat if you're Hindu!

Ohhhhh…

"La la la la la la," Jet sang in tune to the music. "La la la la-"

"Get up, old man!" yelled a voice from behind Jet. 

  
"Hey, I'm 36!" Jet said, turning around. "And furthermore-"

A gun was pointed at Jet's forehead by the beautiful Ruby Red.

"Don't move, middle-aged man," Ruby said. "Now, where are your jewels?"

"You wanna see my jewels?" Jet asked. "Well, okay…"  
  
Jet dropped his pants.

"Argh, no!" Ruby shrieked, shielding her eyes. "Pull your pants up!"

Emeril threw up on the floor. Jet pulled up his pants.

"Pull a stunt like that again and you're DEAD!" Ruby shouted.

"Well, I don't know," Di said. "I mean, they were kinda-"  


"Shut up!" Ruby shouted. "Now-"

"Go Go Cactus Man" began to play in the background. The sound of galloping hooves began to get louder and louder.

"What's that?" Emeril said, looking around.

  
"Yaaah!" Andy shouted, riding his horse into the room at lightning speed. The horse came to a stop, and Andy and Faye hopped off of the horse and pointed their guns at the three jewel thieves.

"The jig's up!" Faye shouted. "Hand over the ring!"

Ruby held up the ring in front of Faye.

  
"Are you jealous?" Ruby asked. "My beautiful ring is so beautiful that it makes me look even more beautiful by wearing it!"

"Geez, have you ever taken an English class in your life?" Andy asked. 

"What's an English class?" Di asked.

"Give me that ring, or I'll shoot!" Faye said. "Oh, just screw it!"

  
Faye began to fire at Ruby. Ruby held her diamond ring in front of her, blocking all the bullets with the diamond.

"Ha!" Ruby said. "My diamond is the hardest substance on Earth!"  


"Crap, my bullets don't work!" Faye said.

"Maybe my bullets will work," Andy said, pointing his gun at Ruby and firing several rounds. Again, Ruby used her diamond ring and blocked all of the bullets.

"Pathetic!" Ruby shouted. Di ran at Andy and Faye and kicked the guns out of their hands. The guns hit the floor and skidded under the couch.

"Great work!" Emeril said. "Now let's kill them and get the jewels!"

Suddenly, Emeril was grabbed from behind and put into a powerful headlock by Jet's metal arm. Jet pointed his gun at Emeril's head.

"Emeril!" Di and Ruby shouted.

"Your man's not so tough now!" Jet said, holding Emeril in his powerful grip. "Your life of crime is over!"

Just then, Jet's metal arm… fell off. It hit the floor with a loud clanking noise. Emeril took the opportunity and got behind Jet, holding a gun to his head.

"Aw dang, my metal arm picked a bad time to fall off," Jet said. "See, a metal arm is really cool and all, but you have to get it rescrewed every year. That's the uncool part."

"Who has who now?" Ruby said. The three jewel thieves had their guns trained on Andy, Jet, and Faye.

"Now let's kill them for real this time!" Emeril shouted. 

  
"Yeah!" Ruby yelled. "Let's-"  


An egg splattered against Ruby's face, causing her to drop her gun.

  
"Ewww!" Ruby shouted. "Disgusting!"

"What happened, Ruby?" Di asked. An egg splattered in her face. "Argh!"  


Di collapsed to the ground, rubbing her eyes in pain.

  
"What the heck's going on here?" Emeril yelled, right before an egg flew in and splattered on his face. "Argh!"

Emeril dropped his gun. Applederry ran into the room and kicked Emeril hard in the face, knocking him out instantly.

"Hey!" Ruby yelled. "That's my boyfriend!"

  
"Your boyfriend?" Di yelled. "He's mine!"

  
Macintyre ran into the room. He grabbed Ruby and Di's heads and smashed them together, knocking both women out.

"Wow…" Andy said. "You guys… saved us!"

"We thought you would need help!" Macintyre said.

  
"So we came, we saw, and we eggered!" Applederry said. 

"I'll take _that_," Macintyre said, removing the diamond ring from Ruby's finger and putting it back in its black box. 

  
"Um, Mr. MacApple, or whatever your name is…" Faye said. "Could I… um…"

Faye ran up to MacIntyre and began jumping up and down.

"Can I please please please please PLEASE have that ring?" Faye pleaded.

"Hmm… how about… no," Macintyre said. Everyone except for Faye and the unconscious thieves began to cackle with glee.

"I don't see what's so funny," Faye whined.

---

Later, aboard the Bebop…

"Look!" Faye said, waving a large diamond ring in front of Andy. "Isn't it funny that Macintyre's ring and the bounty on the three jewel thieves were worth the same amount of money? Maybe Macintyre's future wife and I will be ring sisters!"

"We were supposed to share that bounty," Andy said. "So, what do we do now?"  
  
"We're taking me to get my metal arm screwed back on!" Jet yelled from the other room.

"Alright," Andy said. "To the doctor we shall-"

Suddenly, an egg hit Andy squarely in the eyes. He clutched his eyes and collapsed to the ground.

"Argh!" Andy shouted. "That hurt!"

  
Applederry walked into the room, munching on a deviled egg.

"Aren't eggs delicious?" Applederry said. "Mmm, good!"

  
Andy got up.

"Hey, what are you doing here?" Andy asked. "We're grateful for you saving us earlier, but-"

"Well-"

  
"Hey, the Bebop's broke!" Jet yelled. "It won't fly!"  


"Macintyre's outside trying to fix it," Applederry said. "Hey, did I tell you? Stephi said yes! Macintyre and Stephi are getting married in two months!"

"That's great!" Andy said.

"I was gonna marry Spike…" Faye whined.

  
"Anyway, since you guys'll be stuck here on Earth for a while, I thought that me and Macintyre would hang out here. Stephi's outside, too."

"Hello!" said a cheerful voice from nearby. Faye and Andy looked up to see a short woman with long, curly black hair waving at them. She was wearing blue jeans and a green sweater that said "The Egg And You" on it. "I'm Stephi!"  


"She looks good, but not as good as me," Faye said. 

"Nice to meet you, Stephi!" Andy said, stepping in front of Faye.

"Thank you for helping out my fiancee! Well, I've gotta go and help Macintyre now! Bye!"

  
Stephi turned and walked back outside the ship.

"I hate eggs," Faye grumbled.

__

See you, space egg…

---

Applederry: Next episode marks the return of my son, Francoise!

Faye: Don't you mean your daughter, Edward?  


Applederry: Oh yeah! How could I forget?  


Andy: While Jet and Macintyre toil to fix the Bebop, Edward shows up!

Jet: Uh oh, not the kid… it'll get crazy around here!

  
Faye: I like Ed. She's like a little sister to me.   
  
Stephi: And she's such a cutie!

Andy: Hey, it says here that three of us drop from 'supporting' to 'recurring' characters next episode… well, of course it won't be me. I'm Cowboy Andy!

  
Jet: And I'm Jet Black! Nobody replaces me!

  
Applederry: I like eggs.

Edward: Next time on Bebop: "Edward and the Crazy Techno Beat"! Can you dig it?

  
Faye: So cute! 


	5. Edward and the Crazy Techno Beat

More reviews!

Iluvrikku12: You're welcome! Ed returns this chapter!

Trunkz: I don't like eggs either, actually. And I haven't seen KOHD yet, but once I see it I'll think about it.

The Review Guy: Nah, you know me better than that. Hardly anyone knows who Misty's sisters are, unfortunately…

JasperRed: Yeah, Corgis are cuuuute! And don't worry, Ed is here to STAY!

Katie: I don't hate Spike, I just like Andy a little more. And thankies for being supportive!

Anonymous Chapter 1 Guy: Thanks for changing your opinion on my story! Hope you decide to read more!

NessacusGirl: A rabbit project? Sounds cute! Thanks for reviewing! Smoochies!

Nowhere Man: Er… I think it's spelled "wulongs". That's what I think. 

---

Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop, or any of the characters. I don't own DDR, either… or dancing Ed on the DDR machine! Weee!

Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now.

---

Aboard the Bebop, still stranded on Earth…

"So, has your buddy Macintyre got the ship fixed yet?" Jet asked. "I wanna get off this stinkin' heckhole."  
  
"Hey, I don't make fun of your planet!" Applederry said. 

  
"It's a moon, and it's called Ganymede," Jet said.

  
"Oh. Well then, Ganymede sucks!" Applederry yelled.

"Oh yeah? Your mom sucks!" Jet yelled back. 

"Boys, boys, stop fighting," Faye said. 

  
"There's a town nearby," Andy said. "Faye and I are going to get some food."

"I'm going to get food," Faye said. "Andy, you'd better stay away from me."  
  
"Aw, you don't have to be like that, little lady!" Andy said.

  
"AND DON'T CALL ME THAT!" Faye yelled.

---

Meanwhile, in the arcade somewhere in the small town, a large gathering was taking place.

"Best dancer I've ever seen!" said a male spectator watching the DDR machine.

"He's incredible!" said a female spectator.

  
"That's not a he, it's a she," said another male spectator. "What moves!"

A small Welsh Corgi dog standing in to the crowd barked as the incredible dancer continued to bust moves on the DDR machine. The dancer on the machine was wearing a raggedy-looking white shirt with black shorts. The dancer's hair was a light color of red, and was rather messy. 

"Weee!" the dancer said, effortlessly moving from side-to-side on the dance floor. Finally, the game ended.

"That's an all-time high score!" said a worker standing near the machine. "He… she… whoever… isn't even wearing any shoes!"

The dancer entered her name on the machine as… "**ED4**". 

"Edward is number one!" the dancer shouted.

---

****

Session 31- Edward and the Crazy Techno Beat

---

Faye and Andy rode into the small town on Andy's horse. They got off of the horse and began walking around. 

"Where's the market?" Faye asked, looking at the signs on the buildings as she walked past them.

"It's around here somewhere," Andy said. "Let's just-"

"Andy… Andy look!" Faye yelled, pointing at a building that said 'Arcade' on it.

"Yeah, an arcade," Andy said. "So what?"  


"I love arcades!" Faye said. "Bye!"

  
Faye ran into the arcade, taking Andy's wallet as she went.

"Hey, my money!" Andy yelled. "How can I buy food? Faye, come back!"

Andy dashed into the arcade after Faye.

---

Meanwhile, back aboard the Bebop…

"Well, the ship is all ready to go," Macintyre said, dropping a wrench onto the Bebop's couch.

"Hey, hey, hey!" Jet yelled. "That's got oil all over it!"

  
Jet ran over to the couch and started to pick up the wrench.

"Crap, my metal arm still needs to be screwed back in," Jet said, picking up the wrench with his fleshy hand. "Hey, wait a second… it's gone! My metal arm is gone!"  


"I think Applederry took it to town with him," Stephi said. 

"WHAT?" Jet yelled. "I thought Applederry was staying here. And he's not supposed to take my arm anywhere!"

  
"Well, he did," Macintyre said. "Now give me my wrench back!"  


---

Faye looked around the arcade, looking at the various machines.

"Which one to play…" Faye said to herself. "Hmmm…"  
  
Just then, Faye noticed the DDR machine.

"Alright, DDR!" Faye said. "But somebody's dancing there already…. Well, one person anyway! I can still get in on the game!"

Faye walked up to the second DDR station and put in two coins, and then pressed the "START" button.

"Faye-Faye?" said the dancer standing next to Faye. "You're playing with Ed?"

"Wha?" Faye said, turning to face Edward. "You're here?"  


"Radical Edward's the best dancer in the whole world!" said a kid standing near the machine. "You'll never beat her!"

"Oh yeah?" Faye said. "Watch me!"

"I want this song!" Edward said, pressing a button on the machine. "The Puppy Song!"

A techno remix of "Wo Qui Non Coin" began blaring through the machine's speakers. Ed and Faye immediately began to dance.

  
"Wow, Ed is good…" Faye said. While Faye was getting her fair share of 'Good!s' and 'Great!s', Edward had already begun a large combo of 'Perfect!s'."

"67, 68, 69, 70, 71…" the crowd chanted, counting Edward's growing combo.

"Yay, yay, yay, puppy song, yay!" Edward cheered, dancing to the beat.

"128, 129, 130, 131…" the crowd chanted.

"Hey Faye, Edward's not half bad at this! She's got almost four times as many points as you!" Andy said, having joined the crowd of spectators watching the game.

"Shut up, Andy!" Faye whined. Several 'Bad!s' and 'Poor!s' began to appear on Faye's side of the screen. The game ended.

"Wow, 211 Perfect!s for Edward!" Edward said happily. "That's a personal best! You're good, Faye-Faye, but Edward wins this time!"

Ein ran up to Edward and leapt into the girl's arms.

  
"Hello, Ein! Did you watch Edward and Faye-Faye dance?" Edward asked. Ein barked.

"So, uh… Ed… what have you been doing?" Faye asked.

"Edward has been playing at the arcade!" Edward said. "Ed made money by playing with Tomato!"  


"Tomato?" Faye asked.

  
"For the government!" Edward said. "Computer hacking! And Ed spends all of Ed's money dancing! Weee!"

---

Meanwhile, outside the arcade, a small table was set up. A man was seated at the table, holding three cards in his hand.

"Three-card monty, find the lady and make your fortune!" the man yelled.

"Wow, I'm good at this!" Applederry said, walking up to the table and putting his hand into his pocket. "Let's see here… uh oh, no money!"

"Have anything else you'd like to bet?" the man asked.

"Well, let's see…" Applederry said. He held up Jet's metal arm. "I was just gonna use this as a backscratcher while I was out… Jet will kill me if I lose it… but I won't lose it! I'll never lose it!"

---

Inside the arcade…

"You lost Jet's arm?" Faye yelled. "By gambling?"  
  
"Yeah," Applederry said. 

  
"Don't worry, Faye loses stuff by gambling all the time. We'll get the arm back," Applederry said.

  
"I do NOT lose stuff by gambling!" Faye whined. "I have never lost anything by gambling in my whole life!"

Andy, Applederry, and Edward looked at each other and began to laugh.

"What?" Faye said. "It's true!"

---

Back aboard the Bebop…

"Applederry will come back," Macintyre said. "He said he wanted to buy food, and he needed to use your arm as a backscratcher."

"Can't he scratch his own back?" Jet asked.

"He pulled his arm muscles exercising this morning," Stephi said. "Those Richard Simmons IV exercise videos are grueling."

Suddenly, the Bebop's videophone rang. Jet ran over it and tried to pick it up with his metal arm, until he realized that his metal arm was missing. He then picked it up with his fleshy arm.

  
"Hello?" Jet said. Applederry appeared on the screen.

"Hey, Jet!" Applederry said.

"Applefairy, give me my arm back!" Jet yelled.

"Well, you see, the thing about that is… I sorta lost your arm in a three-card monte game," Applederry said.

"What?" Jet yelled. "Oh no, no!"

"Yeah, I did…" Applederry said. "But we're trying to get it back as we speak!"

"Darn it, you get my (bleep) arm back!" Jet yelled. "And don't come back until you do! Or I'll take my (bleep) metal arm and beat you to (bleep) death! Oh, wait…"

Jet put his head into his hands… er, hand, and began sobbing. 

---

"He took it pretty well," Applederry said.

  
"That's good," Andy said. 

"He only cussed at me three times!" Applederry said, holding up three fingers.

"Well, maybe he's still out there," Faye said. "I could go check."

Faye walked outside and saw the three-card monte man, sitting at his table. Faye walked up to him.

"Hey," Faye said seductively. "What are you doing here? My name's Faye Valentine."  
  
"My name is Three Card Monty," the man said. "Isn't that funny? Because I'm an expert at three-card monte, and my name is-"

"I get it," Faye said. "Anyway, I heard you had something that belonged to my friend."  
  
"What might that be?" Monty asked.

"A certain metal arm," Faye said. "You won it in a game of monte, Monty."

"Yeah," Monty said, holding up the arm. "What's it to you?"

  
"I'd like to play you for the arm," Faye said. 

"Okay," Monty said. "But if I win, I don't want money. "

__

"Uh oh," Faye thought.

"I want a night in the sack with you, baby!" Monty said.

"That's what everybody wants," Faye said. "But if we're playing for that, I want to play a different game. You're too good at monte, Monty."

"The only other game I would be willing to play is Dance Dance Revolution," Monty said. "I rule that game."

__

"Crap, I suck at DDR!" Faye thought. _"But maybe…"_

---

Back inside the arcade…

"You want Edward to dance with the cheating bad man for Jet-person's arm?" Edward asked.

"Yes," Faye said, staring into Edward's eyes. "But you'd better win."

"Why?" Edward asked. "Did Faye-Faye bet her-"

  
"Yes, Faye-Faye did," Andy said. "Faye, are you sure you want to do this? I'm confident in Edward, but-"

"Shut up, Andy," Faye said. She turned to Edward. "You'd better win."  
  
"Okay, Faye-Faye!" Edward said. "Ed won't let Faye-Faye down! But if Edward beats the bad man, Faye-Faye has to let Edward and Ein re-join Bebop!"

"Wha?" Faye asked. "But didn't you leave before because you didn't like it there?"

  
"Edward left Bebop because Spike-person was mean! But now Edward wants to forgive Spike-person!" Edward said. "Is Spike-person here?"

"Um, Ed… I don't know how to tell you this, but…" Andy stammered. "You see…"  
  
"SPIKE'S DEAD!" Faye screamed. She began sobbing.

"No! Not Spike-person! He was so nice!" Edward said.

  
"I thought you said Spike was mean," Andy said.

"Forgive and forget is Edward's motto!" Edward said. "Poor Spike-person…"

Applederry walked up to Faye, Ed, and Andy, carrying a soda.

"Hey guys, I just went to get something to drink," Applederry said. "So-"  
  
"Father-person?" Edward said, looking up at Applederry. "Father-person!"

Edward hugged Applederry.

"Edward finally found you, father-person! This is great!" Edward said happily.

"Who are you again?" Applederry asked.

"You don't know your own daughter?" Andy asked.

"Oh wait, I remember now! Francoise!" Applederry said, hugging Edward. "How have you been doing?"  
  
"Edward has been dancing and waiting for father-person to come!" Edward said. "If only Spike-person were here, it would be a very happy reunion for Ed!"

"Are we gonna dance?" Monty said, looking at Edward. "A kid?"  
  
"Radical Edward's a great dancer!" yelled everyone in the arcade at the same time. "Edward's the best! Better than the rest!"

  
"Ha ha," Faye said, laughing at Monty. "My good friend Edward is the best dancer in the world. You are going down!"

"No, YOU are going down… tonight! With me, Monty!" Monty said.

"Cheat-person, you are mean to Faye-Faye! Edward's gonna beat you!" Edward said. 

"Oh yeah?" Monty said. "Bring it on!"

---

Edward and Monty put their money into the DDR machine. 

  
"Are you ready to lose to Edward?" Edward said.

"No, I'm ready to win and have sex with Faye!" Monty said. He scrolled down the list of songs until he found the one he wanted. "Oh yeah! It has all the fun things I'm gonna do with Faye tonight!"  


Monty pressed the button on the DDR machine. Faye put her head into her hands.

"What's this song?" Andy asked.

__

You and me baby ain't nothing but mammals

So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel

"Oh," Andy said. 

"I hate this song," Faye grumbled. Ed and Monty began dancing. Both of them were great dancers, and both of them began a chain of 'Perfect!s'.

"Perverted cheating person is good dancer," Edward said. 

"47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52…" the crowd chanted.

__

Sweatin' baby, sweatin' baby

Sex is a Texas drought

While we do the kinda stuff that only Prince would sing about 

"Ed better win, Ed better win, Ed better win…" Faye mumbled to herself.

"105, 106, 107, 108, 109…" the crowd chanted.

Ed and Monty continued dancing at the machine. Suddenly, disaster struck. Edward missed a 'Perfect!' and scored a 'Great!' instead. Ed's chain of 'Perfect!s' started right back up again, but Monty had taken a slight lead.

"Yes!" Monty said, continuing to dance. "And the song is almost over!"

"You can do it, Edward!" Faye shouted.

"Well, actually, for Ed to win, Monty would have to mess up," Andy said. "So technically…"

"Shut up, Andy!" Faye yelled, bopping Andy on the head. 

The song ended. The "FINAL SCORE" screen came up.

"One less perfect," Edward sighed. "Edward lost… sorry, Faye-Faye…"

"NO!" Faye screamed.

"Oh yeah, baby!" Monty yelled, pumping his fists victoriously. "We're gonna do it all night long!"

  
"Wait!" Applederry said, pointing at the screen. "Edward's score is one point higher!"  


"What?" Edward and Monty yelled at the same time. Sure enough, Edward's score was one point higher.

"Kawaii… little girl bonus?" Monty said in disbelief. "1,000 extra points because she's a kawaii little girl?"  


"I'll be taking that," Applederry said, taking the metal arm from Monty.

"Yay!" Edward said, jumping up and down. "Victory for Edward!"

---

Back aboard the Bebop…

Jet put his metal arm in a box and locked it shut.

"Until I get it screwed back on," Jet said. He turned to Applederry. "Don't touch it."  


Applederry frowned.

  
"Hey, Jet-person!" Edward said. "Hi!"

  
Jet gasped.

  
"Ed's back?" Jet said. "But how?"  
  
"We saw her at the arcade," Faye said. "She helped you get your arm back, so she gets to stay."

  
"Wow, Ed and father-person are on Bebop! This is great!" Edward said.

"By the way, guys, Macintyre left me a note," Applederry said, holding up a piece of paper. "It seems that he and Stephi ran off to elope."

"Elope?" Jet asked. "What do they need to elope for? Nobody's stopping them from getting married. It makes no sense. I'm gonna go get them."

Jet took his metal arm out of its box, ran out the door, and left the Bebop.

"Are we gonna wait for Jet-person?" Edward asked.

  
"Heck no," Applederry said. "He yelled at me. Besides, I've never owned a spaceship before!"

Applederry ran up to the Bebop's control panel and pressed the "START" button. The Bebop lifted into the air and took off.

"We're leaving Jet?" Faye asked. "That's not very nice…"  
  
"We're already in space, there's no turning back now!" Applederry said. "Off toward adventure!"

"Adventure for Edward! Yay!" Edward cheered.

"And since Jet's gone, I'm the undisputed hero of the series!" Andy said. "Yay!"

  
"Wait, I'm the hero!" Applederry said.

  
"No, you're the big, strong, dumb guy," Andy said.

  
"I'm not dumb!" Applederry said.

"Yes you are. You don't even know who your own daughter is," Andy said.

"You're dumb!" Applederry yelled.

"Dad and the hero are fighting! Yay!" Edward cheered.

__

See you, space cowboy…

---

Andy: Right now, terrorists are planning to blow up Mars with a nucular bomb.

Faye: Nuclear, not nucular!

  
Applederry: My best friend's wife has been kidnapped!

  
Stephi: Help me!

Faye: I thought they were eloping!

  
Edward: They come back for this one episode! Cameo! Yay!

Andy: And people aboard the Bebop may be involved in both.

Faye: What the heck are you talking about? I'm not a criminal!

Applederry: I'm Applederry…

Andy: And I'm Andy Oniyate, and the next episode may be the longest day of my life.

Faye: Next episode… "Twenty-Four Symphonies". Why are we ripping off another show?

Andy: Well, you DO get to meet my rival.

Edward: But Spike-person is dead!

  
Andy: No, my real rival.

Faye: Huh?  
  
Applederry: This chapter better get 100 reviews, or you'll never see it!

Ry: He's just joking, I swear!


	6. TwentyFour Symphonies

More reviews! Not quite 100, but… meh.

The Review Guy: I don't see 100 reviews… need a crowbar to get your hand loose?

NessacusGirl: Glad ya liked it! *hugs and kisses* You're welcome! Glad you liked the Puppy Song, and yup, Ed's a great dancer! She's so adorable!

Blooknaberg: Hee hee, cantelope… yes they can! And yes, Jet left! He's being phased out of the rotation, but he'll show up from time to time as a recurring character! Sorry Jet fans!

Katie: Oooh, you'll find out Ed's rival soon! *looks for wallet* Uh oh. Come back here! LOL! ^_^

Anikai Ryuji: Thanks! And there will be more Edward!

Trunkz: Hee hee, I'm only about 56 reviews away from getting 100 reviews! Me so happy! And don't worry, Spike's dead, you can have the piggybank. It's got like 5 wulongs in it since Jet stole it so many times. Ha!

Shadow of Mars: Thanks! Yup, Ed's the DDR champ! She's awesome! And I read your long Sailor Moon story you wrote! Kept me occupied for a while! ^_^

JasperRed99: Nope, don't have a problem with Spike! He's just dead! ^_^ And Andy used to be a samurai, but he turned back into a cowboy! Because cowboys are cool!

Retro: Bloodhound Gang rules! Well, that one song and a couple of others. Go Edward!

---

Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop, or any of the characters. I also don't own 24, but most of their plots are so cliched that they're in the public domain, so…

Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now.

---

Deep inside the core of Mars, a sinister plot was unfolding…

:"Alright, lower the bomb!" yelled an old man standing next to a large pit. He was wearing a fireproof suit to protect himself from the intense heat. A large bomb with the words "DA BOMB" on it was lowered into the pit. A clock on the bomb began to tick down from "24:00:00".

"It's all set, sir," said a fireproof-suit-wearing underling.

"Mwahaha!" the old man laughed.

---

Meanwhile, in a hotel room in the nearby city of… hmmm… Mars City…

"This honeymoon has been wonderful!" Stephi said. She kissed Macintyre on the cheek, then sat down and yawned. Suddenly, there was a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" Macintyre said. He walked over to the door and opened it up to see five ski mask-wearing men staring at him.

  
"Hello," the leader of the masked men said. "I'm here to beat the crap out of you and kidnap your wife in order to force your best friend's acquaintance to come to a specified location and-"

An egg hit the masked man in the face. The other men started to laugh.

"Okay, that does it!" the leader of the masked men said, wiping the egg off of his face. "Get them!"

  
The five masked men ran into the room and rushed Macintyre and Stephi.

---

Meanwhile, aboard the Bebop…

"This is going to be the single most boring day of my life," Andy said, yawning and flopping onto the Bebop's couch. "No bounties, no nothing."

"I'm glad," Faye said. "I'm glad you're bored. Because I hate you!"

"Aw, why does Faye-Faye hate poor Cowboy-person Andy? Edward likes him!" Edward said, hugging Andy around the neck. 

  
"My son sure is affectionate!" Applederry said. "Or is that my daughter? I forget…"

"Ring ring! Ring ring! Phone call! Phone call!" the Bebop's phone blared. 

"Sounds like the phone!" Andy said. He ran over and picked it up. "Hello?"

A badly beaten-up Macintyre appeared on the screen. Applederry ran over and picked up the phone.

---

"Macintyre, what happened to you?" Applederry asked.

"Terrorists came…" Macintyre said weakly. "They got… Stephi…"

Macintyre passed out.

"Today is going to be the longest day of my life," Andy said.

"Crap, my day's gonna suck," Faye sighed.

---

****

Session 32- Twenty-Four Symphonies

---

****

BIGGERSHOT- The NEW Show For Bounty Hunters

The NEW Paunch: Oh man, today we have a big big bounty on our hands!

Crazy Judy: That's right! It's the scary terrorist kingpin Leroy Brown!

The NEW Paunch: He's badder than old King Kong, and meaner than a junkyard dog!

Crazy Judy: He's wanted for kidnapping and other terrorist acts, and he's worth a lot of money!  


The NEW Paunch: How much is he-

Crazy Judy: *starts foaming at the mouth*

The NEW Paunch: Never mind.

---

"Leroy Brown," Andy said. "My arch-rival!"  


"I thought Spike-person was your rival!" Edward said.

"Spike? ARGH!" Faye yelled, then began sobbing.

"Spike was pretty rivaly, but Leroy is my biggest, baddest, most evil arch rival," Andy said. 

"He looks like an old man," Faye said. 

"He may be old, but he's dangerous. And he has a sword!" Andy said. "Just like Spike's arch-rival… uh… Viscous."

"Vicious," Faye said.

"I know he is," Andy replied. "Anyway, we have to catch Leroy now!"  
  
"Why?" Faye asked. 

"He's got Stephi for one thing," Andy said. "Also, his evil plots always involve a 24-hour countdown. If we don't stop him in 24 hours, something horribly bad is gonna happen!"

"But we don't even know where he is," Faye said.

"Mars," Edward said, typing furiously on her computer. "The bad man is on Mars!"

"That's my so- er, daughter!" Applederry said. 

"Wow, you remembered this time," Faye grumbled. "Barely."

"We're going to Mars!" Andy said. "This time, Leroy Brown goes down for good!"

****

18:27:39… 18:27:38… 18:27:37…

---

Meanwhile, inside the big Crater Cave of Evil on Mars…

"Soon, the bomb will go off!" Leroy Brown said. "And then Mars will go kaboom!"  


"Sir, if we're in the crater when the bomb explodes, we'll be killed too," an underling said. Leroy Brown snapped his fingers, and two big men took the underling away.

"Bwahaha!" Leroy Brown laughed. "Nobody messes with Leroy Brown!"

****

16:50:44… 16:50:43… 16:50:42…

---

In the hotel room on Mars…

"And they grabbed her!" Macintyre cried. "I tried to save her, but there were too many of them!"

"There, there, old buddy," Applederry said, comforting his crying and bandaged-up friend. "We'll catch those terrorists, for-"  


"I am Cowboy Andy!" Andy said, pointing his finger up into the air. "Oops… sorry. It's a reflex."

"There's a huge bounty on Leroy," Faye said. "So we have to get him. Then I'll be able to afford the Excelsior Diamond, and the Remmingdale Diamond, and the Cuticane Diamond, and the Really Really Big And Valuable Diamond, and-"

"And Edward will help!" Edward cheered, doing cartwheels around the room. 

****

13:17:21… 13:17:20… 13:17:19…

---

Meanwhile, in a huge church elsewhere on Mars…

"And this is the spot where Vicious threw Spike out of the window in the real Cowboy Bebop show," a tour guide said, pointing at the window. "Any questions?"  


"Yeah," said an obnoxious man from the back of the crowd. "What's this have to do with anything?"

"Well-"

Suddenly, Leroy Brown's procession of ten big men, an underling, and Leroy himself walked into the church. Leroy took out his sword and chopped the tour guide and everyone in the tour group to pieces, except for the heckler.

"Why'd you spare me?" the heckler asked.

"Because you're a jerk, and I'm a jerk," Leroy said. "We work great together!"

  
Leroy turned to his underling.

"You happy now?" Leroy asked. "You're lucky I only had one underling, or you'd be dead right now."

"Sir, this is a bit better, but if we blow up the whole planet-" 

"You can't be sorta dead," the heckler interrupted. "You're either dead or you're not dead. Here, let me show you."

The heckler took out a gun and shot the underling dead.

"What was that for?" Leroy asked. 

  
"Well, you see," the heckler said, "I happen to be…"

The heckler suddenly reached up and pulled off his face! It was only a mask though. You can't pull off your face! Unless you're like a zombie. But then-

"Shut up!" the 'heckler' yelled. "My name is Ira Gaines, a bad guy from the show _24_. Who the heck are you?"

"Well, I'm bad, bad, Leroy Brown," Leroy said. "Welcome to the team!"  


****

7:23:56… 7:23:55… 7:23:54…

---

Meanwhile, Andy and the others had found the big crater where Leroy Brown had stashed the bomb. 

"Okay, who's gonna go inside?" Applederry asked.

  
"We can't go inside. It's all hot and stuff in there," Andy said. 

"Hey, wouldn't all the heat of being so far underground make the bomb explode?" Applederry asked.

"It's best not to think about these sort of things," Faye said. "Anyway, I vote for Andy to go in, because he's the dumbest."

"Aw, that's not a very nice thing to say," Andy said. "You have to be kind to others! Like I am!"  


"And Edward!" Edward said, jumping up. "Ed has found a way to get to the bomb without burning up!"

"How?" Applederry, Faye, and Andy asked in unison. 

  
"Jinx!" Faye said. "You two can't talk until somebody says your name!"  


"…..?" Andy said.

"Ein's a data dog, and it was genetically engineered to survive temperatures of up to 25,000 degrees Centigrade!" Edward said. She hugged Ein. "Ein, you have to go in and defuse the bomb, okay?"  
  
Ein barked and jumped down into the crater.

"It's all up to Ein now!" Edward said. Suddenly, Ein hopped out of the crater and began barking.

"Wait, I know what Ein's saying," Faye said. "I know how to speak dog. Ein is saying that he wants me to chew through some handcuffs."

"Ein says that the bomb can only be diffused by a special remote carried by Leroy Brown!" Edward said.

"No, the dog is saying that he wants me to chew through some handcuffs," Faye said. "I speak dog."

"Have you read the _Worst-Case Scenarios Handbook: Space Travel Edition_, Faye-Faye?" Edward asked.

"No, I speak dog," Faye said.

"Ed thought so," Edward said. "Andy and Applederry!"  


"Yay! I can talk again!" Andy said. "But I forgot what I was gonna say!"

Suddenly, a phone in Andy's pocket rang. He picked it up and held it to his ear.

"Hello?" Andy said.

"Hello, Clarice," said a sinister-sounding voice. "Oh wait, wrong number."

The phone shut back off, then rang again.

"Hello?" Andy said.

"Do you like scary movies?" asked an even MORE sinister-sounding voice.

"Actually, no I don't," Andy said. "I like cowboy western movies!"  


"Figures," Faye said.

"Oh," said the voice in the phone. "Well then… do you like Scooby movies?"  


"No," Andy said.

"Oh, Ed does!" Edward said, jumping up and down. "Scooby dooby doo!"

Edward giggled.

"Wait a second, that's not what I meant," the voice said. "What I meant to say is that I have Stephi."

"What?" Andy yelled. "Wait, you don't sound like Leroy Brown."

"I'm Ira Gaines," said the voice. "I work for Leroy Brown."

  
Gaines began to sing.

"Oh, I work, work, for Leroy Brown! Baddest man in the whole damn town!" Gaines sang.

"Stop that," Andy said. "What have you done with Stephi?"

"Well, let's see," Gaines said. "Um…"

Gaines' voice grew faint, as if he was yelling in the background.

"Hey, what did we do with Stephi?" Gaines yelled.

"Uh… we tied her up," said another background voice.

"We tied her up," Gaines said.

  
"What else?" Andy asked.

"What else did we do?" Gaines yelled in the background.

"We put her in a cage," said the other background voice.

"We put her in a cage," Gaines said.

"Uh, that's not helpful," Andy said. "More along the lines of, uh, 'Where is she?'"?

"Oh," Gaines said. He yelled into the background again. "Where is she?"  


"She's in the-" said the other background voice before Gaines finally realized that Andy was just pulling him along and that he should probably stop telling Andy where Stephi was.

"IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS!" Gaines yelled. "Er, I mean… IT DOESN'T MATTER WHERE SHE IS! Come to the church where Spike and Vicious fought in 'Ballad of Fallen Angels', and we'll talk then. Oh, wait… d'oh! Now they know where Stephi is!"

"Now we know where Stephi is!" Andy said to the others happily.

"Yay!" Edward cheered.

"Wait, wait!" Gaines yelled. "I'm a cruel and mean man, and I will kill Stephi right now unless you drop and give me 100 push-ups!"

"Okay," Andy said. He got onto the ground and started doing push-ups.

"Wait," Gaines said. "All of you."

Applederry and Edward got onto the ground and began doing push-ups. Even Ein got onto the ground, where he began to do cute little doggy push-ups.

"Aw man, this sucks," Faye said. "I'm not gonna do it."

"FAYE DIDN'T DO ANY PUSH-UPS!" Gaines yelled. "YOU SCREWED ME, FAYE! YOU SCREWED ME!"

  
The phone connection ended.

"He _wishes _I screwed him," Faye said with a smirk on her face.

"Faye, that's not what he meant!" Andy said. "Great, now we'll never get Stephi back!"

"Gaines wouldn't kill Stephi," Faye said. "She's his only bargaining chip."

"Mmmm, bargaining chip," Applederry said. 

"Wait a second, wait a second," Andy said. "What's 'Ballad of Fallen Angels'?"

"That's the episode where Spike became a wrestler and I got hit with a chair," Faye said. "Wait, that's 'Salad of Fallen Angels'. Waaaaaaait a second here…."

"Oh well," Andy said. "I always arrive in the nick of time. We don't have to look for a church!"

****

0:09:54… 0:09:53… 0:09:52…

---

Meanwhile, in the church…

"Mwahaha! In just a few minutes, my evil plan will be complete!" Leroy Brown cackled.

  
"Our evil plan," Gaines said.

"No, MY evil plan. You were only hired to attract _24_ fans to my organization. Now you're sorta dead!" Leroy said. He ran at Gaines and cut off his head with a katana. "No, actually, you're all dead. Ha, I made a funny!"

"You won't get away with this!" Stephi yelled. She was trapped in a cage hanging from above, tied up.

"Yes I will!" Leroy said. "And no one will save you! Mwahaha-"

__

I don't feel a thing

And I stopped remembering 

This episode takes place in 24 hours

Mother used to say

If the kids at school call you gay

To shrug it off and beat them at canasta

(bleep)ed

In the brain

In the brain

  
In the brain

This parody's (bleep)ed

In the brain

Is it the best parody ever?

Or is it just the third or fifth?

"Hey!" yelled a voice from outside. "That's not my song! That's Spike's song! It sucks! And it's not even the right words! Play my song!"

"Go Go Cactus Man" started to play.

  
"That's better," the voice said. The faint sound of hooves could be heard from outside.

"It can't be!" Leroy yelled in fear. "Army of ten big guys, kill him!"  


The ten big men that had briefly appeared earlier in the bomb scene and have absolutely no effect on this story other to get their butts kicked by Andy ran out of the church and got their butts kicked by Andy. Andy entered the church, riding on his horse. He leaped off of the horse and pointed his gun at Leroy.

"Okay, Leroy Brown, baddest man in the whole damn town, badder than old King Kong and meaner than a junkyard dog," Andy said, taking in a large intake of breath after he had finished the extremely long sentence that he said as he came into the church on his horse in a heroic blaze of glory… *takes in large breath* "Let Stephi go and defuse the bomb!"

"Pick one," Leroy said. "Ha! I'm evil! I'm making you choose! Ha! Ha ha!"

  
"Don't worry about me, Andy!" Stephi yelled. "Save the world!"

"If I was Macintyre, this choice would be hard for me," Andy said. "Actually, this choice still is hard for me. I'm a heroic cowboy! I save the girls! Always! But-"

"Ten seconds to choose, Andy!" Leroy said. "You'd better hurry!"

****

10… 9… 8… 7… 6… 5… 4… 3… 2… 1…

"OH NO!" Andy and Stephi screamed.

  
"Bwahaha!" Leroy laughed. "There was no bomb! It was only a ruse to conceal my real plan! My plan to get away!"  


Leroy laughed. A rope dropped down from a small hole that had been cut into the ceiling. Leroy grabbed the rope and was lifted up into a getaway helicopter, which then flew off.

  
"OH NO!" Andy screamed. "HE GOT AWAY!"

"At least there wasn't a bomb," Stephi said.

"Who cares about the bomb?" Andy yelled. "Leroy… got… away! Argh!"  


Andy collapsed to the ground and began sobbing uncontrollably.

"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!" Andy yelled. The screen turned black.

****

11:59:57… 11:59:58… 11:59:59… 12:00:00

---

"Uh, hello?" Stephi said. "You still have to come up here and free me."

"Oh yeah, I forgot!" Andy said. He took out his gun and fired. The cage dropped from the ceiling and fell to pieces. Andy fired again, causing all the ropes around Stephi to snap and fall to the ground.

"That was cool!" Edward said, cartwheeling into the church.

"We missed the whole thing?" Applederry said. "What happened?"

"Where's Leroy?" Faye yelled. "Where's my bounty?"

"Thank you, Leroy got away and I freed Stephi, Leroy got away," Andy said, answering all three questions.

"Leroy… got… away?" Faye asked. "But that means we get to try and catch him again! I will get him!"

  
"He's my rival. I'm going to get him," Andy said. "Get your own rival!"  


"I DO have a rival!" Faye snapped. "His name is… uh… Andy, you suck."

"Andy Yusuk?" Andy asked. "The pro basketball player from Russia?"

"Yes," Faye said. "I mean, no! I mean, argh!"

  
Faye stormed off in a huff.

  
"She's just mad she hasn't gotten a Faye-centric episode yet," Andy said.

---

Back aboard the Bebop…

"Macintyre just called," Applederry said. "He and Stephi want to say thanks!"

  
"Isn't that nice," Andy said. "Faye, isn't that nice?"

A grumbling came from the other room.

  
"Faye-Faye's happy, I know it!" Edward said.

"Not again!" Faye yelled. "I lost another bet! Darn you, Andy Yusuk!"  


"Never bet on basketball," Andy said.

__

Beep… boop… beep… boop…

---

Faye: Pigs. It's finally come to this.

Andy: What?

  
Edward: Next episode, we finally hear from Jet-person!

  
Andy: Is his arm back on?

Edward: You'll just have to wait and find out, silly! Anyway, Jet wants us to go after a guy named… *giggles* Harry Wang!

Andy: I don't see what's so funny about that.

  
Faye: This is disgusting. 

Applederry: Is this a prank?  
  
Edward: Nope!

  
Faye: Why would we have to resort to cheap laughs? Why? Have we degenerated that much?

Andy: You sound like my mom, Faye! Next episode of Bebop, "It's Only Innuendo"!

Faye: Andy, you suck.


	7. It's Only Innuendo

A few reviews!

The Review Guy: Why thank you! And you'd better join the Sensational Sisters Fanclub! It's like, totally awesome!

Shadow of Mars: Martine McWho? Nope, haven't seen it! Glad ya liked the Rain spoof!

Katie: I thought you'd enjoy the spoof of Rain! Thanks for reviewing! And ya need to watch 24, it's really good!

  
Trunkz: Don't worry, you'll save up for lessons eventually! And maybe I might decide to give ya a few when I get some time, k?

---

Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop, or any of the characters. I DO own every single naughty-named bad guy in this chapter. But if ya wanna use the names because they're so funny, go ahead. ^_^ 

Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now.

Double Warning: If innuendo revolving around certain parts of the male anatomy offends you, go away.

---

Aboard the Bebop…

"Andy, look out!" Faye yelled, running down the halls of the ship. Andy was standing in front of her. "I'm gonna run into you!'

"No you're not," Andy said. He stepped out of the way and grabbed Faye as she ran past.

"Lemme go!" Faye shouted, clawing at Andy with her fingernails.

"What are you running from?" Andy asked.

  
"I'm not running from anything, I'm running TO!" Faye yelled. "Radio contest! 50th caller gets to play the Fun Quiz! Get three questions right and win 50,000 wulongs!"

"I see," Andy said. He released Faye. "Go and win your stupid contest. See if I care."

Faye ran to the phone on the Bebop and began punching numbers frantically.

"Come on, come on, come on," Faye said.

"And we have our 50th caller!" the Bebop's phone blared. "What is your name?"

"Faye Valen-"

  
"Cowboy Andy," Andy said. Faye turned her head and saw Andy standing behind her, holding a cell phone in his hand. "I'm ready to play!"

"Oh no you're not," Faye said. She walked up to Andy and kicked at his crotch. Andy casually stepped out of the way.

"Your first question," the radio said. "Who was the first man in space?"  


"Yuri Gagarin," Andy said. "110 years ago to the day."

  
"Excellent!" the radio blared. Faye punched at Andy. Andy stepped out of the way again.

"What's my next question?" Andy asked.

"Name the owner of the longest hitting streak in baseball history," the radio said.

"Joe DiMaggio," Andy said. "Nobody's broken his record in over 120 years, and no one ever will!"  


"You're darn tootin'," the radio said. "Final question. Name the hit song by the new band Running Men."

__

"Uh oh," Andy thought. _"I don't know this one…"_

In a rage, Faye kicked at Andy's crotch again. This time, she connected.

"Argh! My balls!" Andy howled.

"That's right!" the radio said. "Argh My Balls! You win 50,000 wulongs!"

"I get half because I helped!" Faye said as Andy winced on the floor in pain.

---

****

Episode 33- It's Only Innuendo

---

In the Bebop's infirmary…

"Poor poor Andy-person!" Edward said, handing Andy a glass of lemonade. "At least you won some money!"

"You're right, Edward!" Andy said.

"And you'll never have to worry about paying child support," Applederry said. "Welcome to my world."

  
"Father-person?" Edward said.

"Hey guys, Jet's on the phone!" Faye yelled from the Bebop's main room.

"What?" Applederry said. _"Uh oh, I'm gonna be replaced…"_

Andy, Ed, and Applederry ran to the Bebop's videophone and stared at Jet's face.

"Hey Jet, what's up?" Andy asked.

"Jet-person, nice to see you again!" Edward said. "Is your metal arm back on?"  


"No," Jet said. "In fact, it's been stolen again."

  
Faye gasped.

  
"Who stole it?" Faye asked. "Is Monty back?"

"No," Jet said. "Seems that some guy named Harry Wang stole it."

Edward giggled. Andy chuckled slightly. Then Applederry chuckled.

"Harry Wang?" Andy asked. "Is this a prank call?"

"No," Jet said. "It's true. Harry Wang isn't his real name. He's a male porn star. I don't know what his real name is."

"What would a male porn star want with your arm?" Andy asked. "Wait… oh."  


"We HAVE to get it back," Jet said. "I'm on Io right now."

"Io? The desert planet?" Applederry asked. "That place is blazing hot…"

  
"That's why so many porn stars live there," Jet said. "Anyway, we have to get my arm back. WE HAVE TO!"  


Jet hung up.

"Harry Wang," Andy giggled. "Harry Wang!"

  
Andy, Applederry, and Edward started to laugh hysterically.

"Grow up," Faye grumbled.

---

The Bebop landed at a spaceport in the middle of one of Io's many desert towns. Andy, Faye, Ed, and Applederry stepped out of the Bebop and into the bustling airport. Jet ran up to them, waving with his one arm.

"Hey, guys!" Jet yelled.

  
"Jet-person!" Edward shouted. She hopped into Jet's arms and gave him a big hug. "Ed's missed you!"

  
"She never hugs ME like that," Applederry grumbled.

  
"Try buying her a birthday present once in her lifetime and maybe she will," Faye said. "Like the spider ring I bought her. Best vending machine purchase I ever made."

"So, Jet, got any leads as to where this Harry Wang is?" Andy asked.  


"Have you checked in your pants?" Applederry said. "Heh heh."

"He's supposed to be at the famous restaurant, the Oasis Lodge," Jet said. "It's in the middle of the oasis in the middle of a desert in the middle of Io. Yes sir, smack dab in the middle."

"In the middle of your pants," Applederry said.

---

Andy, Jet, and the others stepped into the Oasis Lodge. A tall, well-built man walked up to them.

"Hello!" the man said. "Welcome to my Oasis Lodge!"  
  
"Good afternoon!" Edward said. 

"Nice to meet you," Faye said.

  
"My name is Harry Richards, but all of my friends call me Big Harry Dick," the man said. Edward, Andy, and Applederry all began to laugh.

"What's wrong with them?" Jet asked.

  
"They're immature," Faye said. She turned to Richards. "Have you seen a Harry Wang around here?"

Andy, Applederry, and Edward began laughing again.

"He was in here a while ago, but he left," Richards said. 

"Well, if you see Harry Wang again, let me know," Jet said. "I have to get my metal arm back!"

"I will!" Richards said. "And remember, if you want good eating in the desert, you can count on Big Harry-"

  
Faye covered his mouth.

"We don't want them to have heart attacks," Faye said. "At least the kid anyway."

---

Back aboard the Bebop…

"It's hopeless," Jet said. "We'll never find Harry Wang anywhere…"

"Have you looked in your pants?" Applederry yelled. "Bwahahaha!"  


"If we want to find Harry Wang, we'll have to go to the source," Andy said. "There's got to be somewhere that porn stars hang out on this planet. Io barely has a million people on it, it can't be that hard to find."

"Found it!" Edward said, typing furiously on her computer. "It says here that they all party at an abandoned factory that used to be owned by the Schwetty Nuts Corporation."

  
Edward began to giggle.

"They processed almonds and walnuts, that sort of thing," Edward said, trying to stifle more giggles. "I bet we'll find Harry Wang there!"

Andy, Applederry, and Edward all cracked up with laughter. Even Jet and Faye chuckled a little.

"I was thinking about a joke, I swear!" Faye yelled.

---

That night, at the abandoned Schwetty Nuts factory…

"We're here," Faye said.

"Harry Wang, here we come!" Jet declared. Applederry began to laugh.

"Sorry," Applederry chuckled.

Faye, Jet, Andy, Ed, and Applederry walked into the factory. There, three men were sitting at a table, drinking coffee.

"Wait a second, Ed, I thought you said all the male porn stars on Io meet here!" Jet said.

"We do," one of the men said.

  
"Io's a sparsely populated desert moon," another man said, sipping his coffee. "Only three on the whole planet. I'm Tiny Balzac, that-"

Tiny pointed to another man.

"That is Schwetty Johnson," Tiny said, and then pointed to another man. "And that's Harry Wang."

  
Harry smiled and waved to Jet… with a metal arm.

"Hey!" Jet yelled. "He's got my arm! I knew it!"

  
Jet ran at Harry and leaped over the table to tackle him. Harry jumped out of the way and punched Jet in the face with the metal arm. Jet staggered back and fell onto the table. Schwetty and Tiny backed off from the table and watched the altercation from the edge of the room. 

"Darn it!" Jet yelled. He took out his gun and pointed it at Harry.

"Wait!" Faye yelled. "Notice something about Harry Wang?"

"You do all the time," Applederry said. "Bwahaha-"

  
Faye punched Applederry in the groin. Applederry doubled over in pain.

  
"Harry only has one arm! He's like you, Jet!" Faye said.

"That's right," Harry said. "Lost my arm in an accident while filming Nude Raider. I really need this metal arm… you understand, right?"  


"I guess so," Jet said. He crawled off of Wang and stood next to the table. "You need that arm too."

  
Jet started to walk away, but then turned back around.

"But that arm _was _mine," Jet said. "And you're not getting it without a fight!"

  
Jet fired off several shots at Wang. Wang rolled off of the table to dodge the bullets, and then punched Jet again with his metal arm. Jet held his nose in pain, and Wang leaped up and kicked Jet to the ground.

"Jet-person!" Edward yelled.

  
"Argh!" Jet screamed. "Getting hit with that arm freaking hurts!"

  
Wang got on top of Jet.

"Now I'm gonna show you my number one technique!" Wang said. He grabbed Jet's crotch with his metal arm.

"Argh, no! I give up! I give up! No mas!" Jet yelled.

"That's what I thought," Wang said. He stood up and pointed at Jet. "Get your own metal arm. This one is mine."

Wang began to laugh. Suddenly, Jet's metal arm fell off of Wang and clattered to the floor.

"Wha?" Wang said. In the confusion, Jet grabbed the metal arm back.

  
"That's the thing about a metal arm," Jet said. "You have to have a doctor screw it back in."

"I'm a doctor!" Schwetty said. He walked over to Jet, took out a screwdriver, and screwed Jet's metal arm back into its socket.

  
"Why did you do that?" Wang yelled.

"I don't know," Schwetty said. "I guess that because Tiny Balzac got to introduce us and you got to fight the one-armed man, I wanted to do something. Why doesn't Schwetty Johnson get to do anything? Huh? Huh?"

"Thanks," Jet said. "And now…"

Jet grabbed Wang and swung him around a few times with his re-attached metal arm. Then he threw Wang into the stratosphere, never to be seen again.

"Crap," Tiny said. "Now there's only two porn stars on Io."

"Crap," Andy said. "I wanted to beat Harry Wang."

---

Back aboard the Bebop…

"Are you sure you want to go back to being a cop?" Faye asked, staring at Jet's face on the videophone.

"Yeah," Jet said. "But I still own Bebop, so don't wreck it up. And thanks for getting my arm back!"  


Jet waved with his metal arm, and then disappeared.

"It's not going to be the same without Jet…" Edward sighed.

"That's right! It'll be a whole lot better!" Applederry said. 

"Not really," Andy said. 

"You know, in all the time I've spent with Jet, I've never even noticed him…" Faye said. The others nodded their heads.

"So…. Who wants to play poker?" Andy asked after an awkward period of silence.

"Me! Me! Ed wants to play!" Edward said.

  
"You know I'll win," Faye said. "Poker's my game."

  
"I want to play Old Maid," Applederry said.

"Nobody cares what _you _want," Faye said. She began to laugh. Ed and Andy joined in as well.

"What's so funny?" Applederry asked. "Now Harry Wang. _That _was funny."

__

See you, space cowboy…

---

Andy: On the next episode of Bebop, the recent rash of child abductions hits home!

  
Faye: There's a kidnapper after Edward!

  
Edward: Uh oh!  


Applederry: Nobody's kidnapping my son. Not while Applederry's around!

  
Faye: Actually, 99% of the time, children are usually kidnapped by their own parents.

Applederry: Oh yeah? *sound of a gun clicking* Nobody kidnaps my Edward!  
  
Andy: You don't have to kill yourself, Applederry. At least not until Jet comes back.

  
Edward: Edward can outsmart a kidnapper! This'll be fun! *giggles*

Faye: Next episode of Bebop, "Edward's Minuet". What's a minuet?

Andy: I don't know, but your three minuets are up!

Edward: *giggles insanely*


	8. Edward's Minuet

A few reviews!

IluvRikku12: Oooh, Ed with a gun? I've seen fanfics where she had one… but wouldn't Ed with a gun be kinda dangerous? But she is smart! So…

The Review Guy: Greg lives! Barely, but he lives. Killing him would have been the biggest cop-out in fanfiction history.

Retro: Yeah, the whole chapter was filled with dirty jokes! Glad ya liked 'em! Now back to the clean stuff! ^_^

Trunkz: Glad you get laughs from reading my fanfic. Where would you be without me?

Shadow of Mars: Heh heh, you said nuts. Heh heh. ^_^

Blooknaberg: Yup! Ganymede, the watery moon, Callisto, the ice moon, Europa, the forest moon, and Io, the desert moon. After terraforming at least. Like the five elements! ^_^ 

Katie: Don't worry, Applederry, Ed, and Andy are just as immature as you and I! And Harry Wang didn't do anything bad to Jet's arm. But he was going to! But it's good he didn't! ^_^

NessacusGirl: Sounds like the phone! Yay! And I hope you find your watch. And I'm glad ya liked my immature joke chapter! 

Oniyumi: It's "a lot". But you're right, it doesn't matter! Thanks for reviewing!

---

Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop, or any of the characters. I also don't own John Walsh, because he's a real dude. Even John Walsh IV who is based off of him. Yup.

Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now.

---

Edward stood on the sidewalk, looking up at the sky.

"Wow, so many clouds…" Edward said. A white car pulled up beside her. A man stuck his head out of the car.

"Hey, kid," the man said. "Come here."

  
"What is it?" Edward asked. "Why do you want Edward?"

"I've got candy," the man said. "Lots and lots of candy."

"Oooh, Ed loves candy!" Edward said. "Wait a second. I'm not supposed to take candy from strangers!"

"Aw, come on!" the man said, smiling. "I've got lots of delicious candy!"  
  
"No!" Edward said. She began to walk away. The man got out of the car and began to chase Edward. Ed tried to get away, but the man grabbed her. 

"Gotcha!" the man said.

  
"No, no!" Edward yelled, kicking and biting at the man. "No!"

  
The man dragged Edward to his car, popped open the trunk, and placed her inside. Then, he slammed the trunk closed. Andy and Faye walked over to the man.

"Again?" Faye said. The man pulled a mask off of his face, revealing that he was, in reality, Applederry. Applederry opened the trunk.

"Aw, I lost again…" Edward said.

"Ed, we're gonna have to keep doing this until you can get away from the kidnapper," Applederry said. "With all the child abductions going on, you have to be prepared."  
  
"But daddy, you're so much tougher than any kidnapper!" Edward said.

"Well, you're right, but still…" Applederry said. 

"How about we take a break?" Andy suggested. 

"That sounds good," Faye said. "We'll try again after lunch."  
  
"I'll get away next time!" Edward said.

---

****

Session 34- Edward's Minuet

---

****

BIGGERSHOT- The NEW Show For Bounty Hunters

---

The NEW Paunch: Hello amigos! I'm the NEW Paunch, and have I got a bounty for you!  


Crazy Judy: Me too!

The NEW Paunch: In the last three days, five kids have been kidnapped from all over the Solar System! 

Crazy Judy: How terrible!

  
The NEW Paunch: Today we have a special guest! From "The Solar System's Most Wanted", it's John Walsh IV!

John Walsh IV: Hello.

Crazy Judy: Who do you think is abducting these poor children?

John Walsh IV: It's probably a sick sicko dirtbag who likes to prey on innocent kids! We have to catch him now!

The NEW Paunch: John, you've put a huge bounty on the kidnapper.

John Walsh IV: That's right. 100 million wulongs for bringing this scumbag in.

Crazy Judy: Wow! *starts foaming at the mouth* Money… *lunges at John Walsh IV*

John Walsh IV: Back I say! *spin-kicks Crazy Judy away*

The NEW Paunch: Wow, that was great!

---

Aboard the Bebop…

"What a bounty!" Faye exclaimed.

"Yeah…. 100 million!" Andy said. 

"Now we really have to catch this guy," Applederry said. "But I don't want my poor Francoise getting hurt!"

"It's Edward, daddy!" Edward said. She turned to Andy. "Let's catch this guy!"

"I don't know," Andy said. "It might be dangerous for you."

  
"No way!" Edward said. "Edward can handle anything!"

  
"You couldn't handle the scenario we set up for you," Applederry said. "I'm worried!"

"I have an idea!" Faye said. "But I need Edward!"

  
"Wait, what are you planning?" Applederry asked.

  
"A plan!" Faye said, turning to Edward. "Wanna help me catch the kidnapper?"

"Sure!" Edward said, a large smile on her face. "I wanna help Faye-Faye!"

"Great!" Faye said. "We'll be back with 100 million wulongs!"

Faye grabbed Edward by the arm and ran off to the Redtail before Andy and Applederry could say anything in protest.

"I think I know what she's planning, and I _don't _like it," Applederry said.

"Why are you so concerned about Ed?" Andy asked. "A few weeks ago, you didn't even know she was alive."

"I'm a divorced man with one kid! If Ed dies, who will carry on the glorious DNA of Applederry to the next generation?" Applederry asked.

"Good point," Andy said. "Let's follow them."

---

Faye's Redtail landed in the middle of a crowded city on Mars, causing people nearby to run off in fear. The ship landed, and Faye and Ed got out.

"Okay," Faye said, holding up a sign. "We're going to set a little trap."

  
"Yay, a trap, a trap!" Edward said, jumping up and down. Faye hung a sign around Edward's neck that read: "Please don't kidnap me. You're being watched."

"It's irresistible!" Faye said. "No evil kidnapper could pass up a chance like this!"

"Oooh…" Edward said, looking at the sign around her neck. "Faye-Faye, I don't know…"

"Hush and try to look as innocent as you can!" Faye said. The Redtail lifted off and landed on the rooftop of a small building where she could see Edward. Suddenly, a car drove up. Applederry hopped out of the car and ran up to Edward.

"What the heck?" Applederry said.

"Faye-Faye and Edward are setting a trap!" Edward said. Applederry frowned.

"FAYE!" Applederry yelled. 

"Uh oh," Faye said to herself, seeing the angry Applederry. "I'd better go."

  
The Redtail lifted into the air and flew off.

"Hey!" Applederry yelled, shaking his fist at the Redtail as it flew overhead. "Come back here!"

"Why did you mess up our trap?" Edward asked. "We were gonna catch him!"  


"Ed," Applederry said, taking the sign from around Edward's neck. "That's not how you catch a kidnapper. In every single TV show, where they set a trap like this, the bad guy always grabs whatever is in the trap."

  
"But this isn't the TV, this is real life!" Edward protested.

"And that's why I can't let you be put in danger," Applederry said. "Now let's go back to the Bebop."

---

Back aboard the Bebop…

"Faye, that was the most irresponsible thing you've ever done!" Andy shouted. "Putting a child in danger. You ought to be ashamed of yourself."

"Yeah!" Applederry said. "My poor son could have been abducted! Or is that my daughter… oh well, it doesn't matter! You put Ed in danger!"

Ed began to cry.

"Why are you guys yelling at Faye-Faye?" Edward cried. "She was trying to help!"

"It's okay," Faye said dejectedly. "Ed, I shouldn't have put you in danger. I'm just gonna go to my room now…"

Faye began to walk off.

"And I'm gonna cry too!" Faye yelled. A door slammed.

  
"You guys were really mean to Faye-Faye," Edward said. "Really mean!"   
  
Edward ran off to her room and slammed the door.

  
"Maybe we _were _mean to Faye-Faye," Andy said. "I mean, Faye. Mean to Faye, I mean. Mean… Applederry, we were mean."

"No we weren't," Applederry said. "We can't let Edward get kidnapped!"

"Well, we won't have to worry about that," Andy said. "She's crying in her room and it's all our faults! I'm so guilty!"

  
Andy began to cry. He ran upstairs. A door slammed.

  
"Crybabies," Applederry said. He took out a carton of eggs and began eating them whole. "Mmm, eggs!"

---

Meanwhile, in Edward's room…  


"I'm gonna help Faye-Faye catch the kidnapper!" Edward said. "That'll show them!"

Edward walked out of her room and sneaked along the wall until she reached the airlock of the Bebop. She found Andy's space fighter and climbed inside.

"Edward is gonna set a trap of her own to help Faye-Faye catch the kidnapper!" Edward said. "Alright!"

The airlock opened, and Edward flew off toward Mars.

---

The space fighter landed in the same crowded town square on Mars that Faye had brought Edward to earlier. Edward climbed out and took out a cell phone.

"Now to call Faye-Faye!" Edward said. She took out her phone. But just as she was about to dial Faye's number, a large, windowless blue van drove up to Edward. The front door of the van opened, and a shady looking man climbed out.

"Hey kid," the man said. "Want some candy?"  
  
"Who are you?" Edward asked. "You look really shady!"

"I'm Jim Shady. I'm the real Jim Shady. And I have candy," Jim Shady said. 

"Oooh, candy!" Edward said. "Wait a minute, I've seen this before!"

  
Edward gasped.

  
"You're a kidnapper!" Edward yelled, pointing her finger at Jim Shady.

"No, I'm not," Jim Shady said. "I have candy!"

Edward screamed and began to run from Jim Shady. Jim Shady got out of the van and began to run after Edward.

__

"Oh no, this is just like that scenario thingy!" Edward thought. _"He's gonna get Edward!"_

Jim Shady grabbed Edward and began to pull her toward his car. 

__

"Wait a second," Edward thought. _"Those poor kidnapped kids might still be alive! If Ed lets Ed get kidnapped, Ed might get taken to where the other kids are! Then Edward can rescue them!"_

Jim Shady tossed Edward into the van, opened up the door in the back, and tossed her in. Then he got back into the van and drove off.

---

"Edward's gone!" Applederry shouted, looking into Ed's room. "She snuck out!"

"Argh!" Applederry yelled from the ship's airlock. "My ship!"

"Hey guys," Faye said, walking up to Andy and Applederry with a piece of paper. "I found this note by my door. It's from Edward."

"What does it say?" Andy asked.

  
"It says that Edward wanted to set up the trap again," Faye said. "Aw, isn't that sweet? She wanted to help me out! She went to Mars-"

  
Applederry growled in rage and grabbed Faye by her shirt collar. He held her above the ground.

"It's not sweet!" Applederry yelled. "Ed's disappeared and it's all your fault!"

  
Applederry dropped Faye and pointed at her angrily.

"You made this mess, and you're going to fix it!" Applederry shouted. "You're going to go to Mars right now and get Ed!"

"Alright, alright, geez," Faye said, standing up and brushing herself off. "She's Ed. How much trouble can she get into?"

---

The blue van stopped. Jim Shady walked to the door of the van and opened it up. Edward was sitting inside the van, staring up angrily.

"You meanie," Edward grumbled. "Let Ed go now!"

Jim grabbed Edward and pushed her toward the door of a large, scary-looking house. He opened the door and pushed Edward inside.

"What is this place?" Edward asked. 

"You'll see," Jim Shady said. He started to lead Edward down a dark hallway.

"Wait!" Edward yelled. "Tell me where the other kids are!"

  
"You don't need to know," Jim Shady said.   


"I think I do!" Edward yelled. She turned around and kicked Jim in the head. He held his head and staggered backward. Then, she ran away from Jim and up a long, winding stairway.

"Come back here!" Jim Shady yelled, running after Edward. She ducked down a hallway and into a door, stepping into a dark room. She locked the door behind her and slumped down against it, panting heavily.

"Whew," Edward breathed. "That was a really really close one! Now to find those other kids!"

"Hello," came a voice from the darkness. Edward gasped.

---

Faye's Redtail landed in the large town square. Faye stepped out of the small space fighter and looked around.

"Edward?" Faye said. "Where are you?"  
  
"Freeze, dirtbag!" yelled a voice from behind Faye. She turned around to see a grey-haired man pointing a gun at her head.

"Who are you?" Faye asked.

"The kidnapper always returns to the scene of the crime," the man said.

"Wait, I know you!" Faye said. "You're John Walsh IV, from 'Solar System's Most Wanted'!"

"I decided to take matters into my own hands," Walsh IV said. "You child abductors are the lowest pieces of scum on the planet. You make me sick."

"I swear, I'm not the kidnapper!" Faye yelled, waving her arms. "I came to get Edward!"

  
"Ah ha!" Walsh IV said. "You came to _get _Edward. She's already been gotten."

  
"What?" Faye yelled. 

"A man came in a blue van and grabbed her a while back," Walsh IV said. "And now I've caught the person who did it! I set a great trap!"

"Um, Mr. Walsh, with all due respect… you said a man kidnapped Edward?" Faye asked. "I'm a woman."

"You got a sex change! I know your type!" Walsh IV yelled. 

"Why didn't you grab the kidnapper when he kidnapped Edward?" Faye asked. Walsh IV lowered his gun and frowned.

"Oops," Walsh IV said. "I messed up, didn't I?"

Faye nodded her head.

  
"We have to save Edward!" Faye said.

  
"It's hopeless!" Walsh IV yelled. "After the first five minutes, they're dead! Dead I tell you!"

"Wow, you John Walshes have really lost your touch throughout the years, haven't you?" Faye asked.

"I'm a clone," Walsh IV confessed. "I guess they shouldn't have used Carmen Electra's DNA too, huh?"

"I guess so," Faye said. "Don't worry, we'll rescue Edward! Actually, she's really smart! She'll rescue herself!"  


"So that means I can take a break?" Walsh IV asked.

"No, we have to try and save Edward anyway," Faye said. "Otherwise Applederry will kill me."  
  
"If he kills you, we'll catch him!" Walsh IV declared. "We'll catch that dirty scummy dirtbag!"

"It was an empty threat," Faye said. "C'mon, let's go."

Faye and John Walsh IV hopped into the Redtail and zoomed off to look for Edward.

---

Meanwhile, inside the dark room…  


"Hello?" Edward said tentatively. "Who said that?"

The light in the room flashed on, temporarily blinding Edward. When the blindness subsided, Edward could see a small boy, sitting in a chair against the wall.

"I see Dad's brought me a new playmate," the boy said. "I hope you're better than the others."

"Wha?" Edward said. "What's going on here?"

"Dad's brought me five new friends in the last three days, but none of them were any fun," the boy sighed. "You look like a fun person!"  


"You mean… your dad is the kidnapper?" Edward asked.

  
"He's not a kidnapper!" the boy yelled. "All the kids want to play with me! They do!"

  
The boy began to cry.

"What's wrong?" Edward asked.

"Nobody wants to be my friend," the boy sobbed. 

  
"Aw, that's okay! Edward will be your friend!" Edward said.

"Really?" the boy asked. Edward nodded and started to walk up to him. Suddenly, she stopped. She sniffed the air. Then, she held her nose.

  
"Ew!" Edward yelled. "You stink!"  


"That's what the other kids said!" the boy yelled. "I stink!"

"Yeah, you do," Edward said. "You need a bath!"  


The door opened. Jim Shady stepped into the room.

"Mark, I'm sorry, but your new friend ran away," Jim said. He saw Edward. "You're here?"

"Your kid is stinky!" Edward yelled. "Pee-yoo!"  


"Why you… you brat!" Jim yelled. "You're just like all the others!"

  
"Why don't you ever give Mark a bath?" Edward asked.

"He won't take one!" Jim yelled.

  
"I don't wanna fall down the drain!" Mark said.

"That's silly," Edward said. "You can't fall down the drain."  


"That's what I try to tell him. But he won't take a bath!" Jim said.  


"I don't wanna fall down the drain!" Mark shouted, even louder than last time. 

"Nobody wants to be friends with him because he smells," Jim said. "So I bring kids here to be friends with him. But none of them want to be!"

"So where are the other kids?" Edward asked.

"That's none of your business!" Jim said. "You'll find out soon enough!"

Jim ran at Edward and tried to grab her. Edward ducked under Jim's legs and ran toward the door.

"You can't catch me!" Edward yelled, blowing raspberries at Jim. "Nyah nyah!"  


Edward ducked outside and ran down the hallway. Jim gave chase. Suddenly, a door opened behind her. Strong hands pulled Edward inside, and then the door closed again.

"Where did she go?" Jim yelled, looking around.

---

Meanwhile…

"There, I see the blue van!" Faye yelled, pointing down from the Redtail. She landed the Redtail in front of the large house that belonged to the kidnapper. John Walsh IV and Faye stepped out of the Redtail and looked at the house.

"That must be it!" Walsh IV said. "Just the kind of house that would belong to an evil dirty scumbag kidnapper."

"Let's get him!" Faye yelled, running toward the door. Walsh IV stepped in her way.

"Wait!" Walsh IV yelled. "If you go in there without a plan, you could be killed. This guy is armed and dangerous. Remember, you can remain anonymous!"  


"This isn't your show and it isn't TV, it's real life!" Faye yelled. "A very important man taught me that lesson. His name is Cowboy Andy and I hate him!" 

---

Edward wrestled free from the grasp of whoever had grabbed her and pushed him away.

"Who are you?" Edward yelled. She was staring into the face of a teenage boy. Two small girls and a small boy were next to him.

"We're the other kids that were kidnapped by the kidnapper," the teenage boy said. "He locked us in here because he wanted us to be as stinky as his stupid kid!"

"He's not stupid!" Edward yelled. "He's a poor, scared little boy! And if you guys were locked in here, how did you open the door?"

"The door opened?" one of the little girls said. "It did!"

  
Edward opened the door. The five kids rushed out.

  
"Thank you!" one of the small boys said. The five kids ran down the stairs and out of the house.

"Now to set Mr. Kidnapper and his stinky kid straight!" Edward said, smiling. "Yep!"

---

The five kids ran toward John Walsh IV and Faye.

"The kids!" Faye said. 

"Where's Edward?" Walsh IV asked. The five kids ran past Walsh and Faye without a word.

"Oh yeah, don't help us!" Faye yelled. "Great, now we'll never get Edward back."

  
She pointed at Walsh.

"_You _won't let us go in the house," Faye said. 

"You can't just barge in places. This isn't TV!" Walsh IV said. "This is real life!" 

"That's _my _line!" Faye yelled. "Oooh, you!"

Faye ran past Walsh and into the house.

"You'll be sorry!" Walsh IV yelled. "This isn't real life, this is my show! Oooh, you!"

  
"That's my line too!" Faye yelled from inside the house.

---

Inside the house…

"I'll find Edward," Faye said. "It'll be easy!"

Suddenly, Jim Shady walked up behind Faye. He grabbed her.

"Hey!" Faye yelled.

"Now that kid will play with my son!" Jim said. "If he wants to get you back!"

"Edward's a girl," Faye said.

"Shut up!" Jim yelled. 

"Hey, you kidnapper!" said a voice from behind Jim. "Ya better let Faye-Faye go…."

Jim dropped Faye and turned around to see Edward waving at him. 

"Why, you-" Jim said. "You stupid kid! This is all your fault!"

A gun clicked behind Jim.

  
"Don't move," Faye said, holding her gun to Jim's head.

"Yay, Faye-Faye caught the kidnapper!" Edward cheered.

  
"Now to get that big bounty!" Faye said.

"Dad!" Mark yelled, running down the stairs.

"Go back to your room," Jim said. "These bounty hunters set a trap for me…"

  
"That's right!" Faye said. "Although it didn't work out like I wanted… but we still got him!"

Faye handcuffed Jim and began to lead him out of the house.

"No! Daddy!" Mark yelled.

"Wait…" Edward said. "If you arrest him, the poor kid won't have a dad anymore!"  


"So?" Faye said. "Money money money! Besides, if we let him go, he'll just kidnap more children. You don't want that!"

"I promise I'll take a bath if you let him go!" Mark yelled. "Then he won't have to kidnap anyone anymore!"

"See, Faye-Faye?" Edward said. "Please?"

"No way," Faye said. "This kidnapper is going to jail."

---

Back aboard the Bebop…

"And Mark took a bath, and now his daddy won't have to kidnap anyone anymore!" Edward said.

"So you didn't turn him in?" Andy asked.

  
"But he kidnapped you!" Applederry said.

"If he does it again, the tracking thingy I slipped on him will help us catch him!" Edward said. "I'm sure he's nice now though!"

"So Faye let him go," Andy said. "I under-estimated her."

"Well, kinda!" Edward said. "You see…"

---

Inside the Redtail…

  
"Edward, come back here right now!" Faye yelled. Her hands were tied to the Redtail's steering wheel. "Darn it, Ed! I promise I won't get mad! Ed?"

Faye frowned.

"I'm hungry!" Faye yelled.

---

Faye: Next episode of Bebop, I get my revenge on Edward!  


Edward: Ed said she was sorry…

  
Faye: Don't worry, no hard feelings! Although 100 million wulongs would have been nice… but anyway, next episode, I enter a beauty pageant!

  
Andy: But somebody is killing the contestants! 

  
Faye: Who could be doing such a thing? Oh well, I'll get to the bottom of it!

Edward: You go, Faye-Faye!

  
Faye: Next episode of Bebop, "Pretty Pageant Party People"! Say that four times fast!

Applederry: I'm not even gonna try.

  
Faye: Quitter!


	9. Pretty Pageant Party People

A few reviews!

NessacusGirl: I've only been through 2 watches… wearing my 3rd right now! And don't worry, Faye and Ed have patched it up! I think!

Trunkz: I'm not even going to try to say it. Now I'm gonna write it!

Katie: Aw, don't cry! It'll be okay! You can hug Edward! ^_^

Shadow of Mars: Yeah, thought it was a bit less funny… there's nothing really funny about child abductions ('cept for that one South Park episode), but I think I did pretty good under the circumstances.

The Review Guy: Yeah, but Mark's not mean, he's just stinky.

IluvRikku17: Well, Vicious may come back, but not in this chapter! But I'm sure you'll like it!

Blooknaberg: Toy Boat! Toy Boat! Boy Toit! Toi Boit! Ug… anyway, yeah, but maybe Applederry's TOO overprotective!

Nowhere Man: I'm telling ya, it's Wulongs… *sighs*

---

Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop, or any of the characters. I wish I could have my own beauty contest… there would be an interview, and a swimsuit competition, and a birthday suit competition… wait, forget the last one.

Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now.

---

Faye ran up to Andy, carrying a large piece of paper.

"Andy, Andy, guess what?" Faye asked.

"Chicken butt," Andy said.

  
"No, better than that! It's a beauty pageant!" Faye said happily. "Guess what the prize is?"  


"Chicken butt?" Andy said.

"No, it's 1,000,000 wulongs! A million!" Faye said.

"Chicken butt," Andy replied.

"Stop that," Faye said. 

"If you actually think you'll win one of those things, you're crazy," Applederry said. "Those things are corrupt. And besides, even if they weren't you wouldn't win."

"Why?" Faye asked.

"Because you're ugly," Applederry said.

"Faye-Faye's prettiful!" Edward said, spinning around and around. "Yes Faye-Faye is! Pretty Faye-Faye!"

"See, Ed thinks I'd win," Faye said.

"You know what happened at the last beauty pageant, don't you?" Applederry asked. "Somebody killed five of the contestants."

"What?" Faye yelled.

"Yep yep! Killer thriller!" Edward said. "Faye-Faye shouldn't go to the contest, nope! But Faye-Faye would win… oooh, hard decision. What does Andy think?"  


"Chicken butt," Andy said.

"That's all you can say! That's all you can say! That's all you can say!" Edward chanted.

---

****

Session 35: Pretty Pageant Party People

---

The Bebop hovered over a large building in the middle of a large city on Mars. Andy, Applederry, Faye, and Edward stepped out.

"Are you sure you wanna do this, Faye-Faye?" Edward asked.

"I still haven't thought up a plan to get revenge on you," Faye said. "You cost me my bountyhead!"

"Must we introduce continuity into this series?" Andy asked. "I mean, really-"

"She tied me to my freaking steering wheel!" Faye whined.

"Chicken butt," Andy said.

  
"I am getting _no _help from you whatsoever," Faye said, walking up to the front of the building, followed by Ed.

"Andy and I have to have the bathroom," Applederry said.

"The bathroom," Andy said. "Chicken butt."

Andy and Applederry ran off.

"What's their problem?" Faye asked.

"Grouchy Faye! Grouchy Faye! Ooh la la!" Edward said.

"Whatever," Faye grumbled. She walked up to the front desk, at which sat a smiling old woman. "Hello, my name is Faye Valentine, and I would like to enter the beauty pageant."

"Faye, is that you?" the old woman asked.

"Who are you?" Faye asked.

  
"Don't you remember? I'm from your old high school," Faye said.

"That's impossible. You're not Sally," Faye said.

"My name is Betty. I'm another of your old classmates," the old woman said.

"Oh, I remember you! You're the one that said you never wanted to grow old!" Faye said.

"Don't remind me," Betty grumbled. She turned to Edward. "Would you like to enter the junior division?"

"Hmmm… junior for Edward?" Edward asked. "Junior senior junior junior… okay!"

"Great! You're both entered," Betty said. "Have a nice day, and watch out for that killer."

"We will," Faye said. Suddenly, another woman dressed in a pink gown and geisha makeup walked up to the table.

"Hello," the woman said in an unnaturally high-pitched voice. "My name is Andrea Oniyate."

  
"Hmm?" Faye said. She turned to look at the woman. "Don't I know you from somewhere?"  


"Chicken butt," 'Andrea' said, winking at Faye. 'She' walked into the large building.

"What the… oooh, I'll show him!" Faye huffed, running after 'Andrea'.

"Hee hee, silly Faye-Faye and Andy-person!" Edward said. Applederry walked up to her.

  
"Don't tell anyone, but Andy's competing in the contest disguised as a woman named 'Andrea'," Applederry whispered.

"Oooh, okay!" Edward said. "No tell!"

---

Inside the dressing room…

"Hey you, I know it's you!" Faye said, poking the disguised Andy on the shoulder.

"Chicken butt," Andy said.

"Stop saying that!" Faye shrieked. "I'm going to expose you for the fraud you are!"

"I wouldn't do that in front of all these ladies," Andy whispered. "I want to catch the killer as bad as you do."

"I know, but still-"

  
"Chicken butt," Andy said.

"Oooh, you!" Faye whined.

---

Meanwhile, on stage, the Junior Division was taking place.

"And we've reached the final round with these three lovely little girls!" said the announcer. "Aren't they precious?"  


"Awww!" the audience went.

The announcer walked up to Edward.

"Hello, miss. What's your name?" the announcer asked.

"Hmmm…" Edward said. 

---

A few minutes ago…

__

"Remember, use your real name!" Applederry said. _"Francoise!"_

"Why should Ed use her silly Frenchy-poo name?" Edward asked.

__

"Because it's feminine. Edward is a boys' name," Andy said.

__

"Edward is a cool _name," _Edward protested.

__

"Please?" Applederry said.

__

"Okay, since father-person asked Ed nicely. Ed's temporarily temp name is Francoise!" 

---

"Francoise Wong Hau Pepelu Tivuruski the 4th!" Edward said.

"Er, isn't that a really long name?" the announcer asked.

"It's a cool name!" Edward said. "Except Francoise. I don't like it. I want to be called Edward!"

"Aw, isn't that sweet?" the announcer said. 

"Edward, yes! Edward!" Edward said. 

"Er, alright," the announcer said. "If you had one wish, what would it be?"  


"Hmmm…" Edward said, putting her finger to her chin. "It would be to have peace in the whole wide world! And for people to call me Edward!"  


"That's two wishes," the announcer said. "Isn't that sweet?"

"Awww…" the audience went.

The announcer interviewed the other two girls, and then walked to center stage.

  
"The winner of the Junior Division is… Francoise Wong Hau Pepelu Tivuruski the 4th! Or Edward for short!" the announcer yelled.

  
"Woohoo!" Edward cheered, doing cartwheels on the stage. "Yay! Victory for Edward!"

---

Meanwhile, in the dressing room…

"Alright," Faye said, looking at herself in the mirror. She was wearing a stunning purple bikini. "The swimsuit competition is first."

  
Faye turned to Andy. 

"Finally you'll be revealed for the fraud you…" Faye said before stopping in mid-sentence. Andy was wearing a beautiful golden two-piece, but 'her' most remarkable feature was easily 'her' ample 'bosom'.

"Like them?" Andy said, pointing to his fake 'breasts'. "Genuine pillow stuffing. They're bigger than yours!"

"They're fake!" Faye yelled.

"As fake as yours," Andy said.

"Mine are real!" Faye whined. "I swear!"

"Chicken butt," Andy said, walking out of the dressing room and onto the stage.

"Oooh, you!" Faye whined.

---

Back on stage…

"And Andrea Oniyate looks stunning in that golden bikini!" the announcer said as Andy walked past. "And here's our next contestant, Faye Valentine!"

Faye walked past the announcer and stood next to Andy.

"I'll show them," Faye grumbled. Suddenly, she began to pull down Andy's top. Andy gasped in horror and pushed Faye away.

"Ew, you pervert!" Andy shrieked.

"Now now, Miss Valentine, we all love lesbians, but please do that on your own time," the announcer said. The audience began to laugh.

"Grrr… I'll show you!" Faye yelled.

"Chicken butt," Andy said.

---

Meanwhile, in the dressing room…

"Heh heh," said a dark-robed figure wearing a Scream mask. "Time to make some people die!"

The figure slipped a pill into the drinks of two of the women, and then disappeared just as the women (and man) reentered the dressing room.

  
"You tried to touch my boobs," Andy said, taking a drink out of his glass of water. "Sick freak."

"You don't have boobs!" Faye yelled.

"You're just jealous that mine are bigger," Andy said, taking another sip.

"I am not!" Faye yelled. "Oooh, you!"

Faye took her glass of water and splashed it at Andy's face. Andy casually moved his head to the side, dodging the water.

  
"You have a temper," Andy said.

  
"I'll get you!" Faye shrieked. She took more glasses of water and splashed them at Andy, but he dodged them all.

"Hey!" one of the other contestants yelled. "That was my water!"

  
"Andrea's a guy, can't you see?" Faye asked. "Can't you?"

"Chicken butt," Andy said.

"We both qualified for the next round," Faye said. "The talent competition. You'll lose because you have no talent."

  
"Chicken butt," Andy said.

---

Back on stage…

"Now Miss Valentine," the announcer said. "What is your talent?"

"I can beat you at cards," Faye said.

"Really?" the announcer asked. He produced a deck of cards. "Show me."

  
"Any game you want," Faye said.

"Strip poker," the announcer replied.

__

"Why do they always want to play that _game?" _Faye thought.

Five minutes later, the announcer was stripped down to his underwear.

"You're talented," the announcer said. 

"I know," Faye said. "You WISH you could have beaten me."

  
The announcer moved on to Andy.

  
"Alright, Miss Oniyate," the announcer said. "What's your talent?"  


"I can sing," Andy said. He took the microphone.

__

"Oh no," Faye thought.

"This is a little song I like to call 'Chicken Butt'. It goes out to my new friend and fellow competitor Faye Valentine," Andy said.

"Aww, how sweet," the announcer said.

"Here goes," Andy said. He began to sing.

__

ANNOY!

Dreamin' dreamin' dreamin' 'bout the chicken butt

Very very annoying is the chicken butt

Say it say it say it say the chicken butt

Just to be annoying it's the chicken butt

Say it when you feel like it

Annoying

Annoying

It is bad for your social life

Baby it's true

But if you say it enough times

It's fun

It's fun

Sayin' sayin' sayin' just the chicken butt

Only thing that I can say is chicken butt

You just gotta be satisfied with chicken butt

The only thing you'll get from me is chicken butt

Say it all the time

  
Annoying

  
Annoying

Long as it's the only thing you say

Baby it's true

Makes people want to end their lives

Cause it's

So annoying

ANNOY!

The audience erupted into mad cheers.

"Argh! My ears!" Faye shrieked. "Grrr…"

Andy took a bow.

"Thank you, thank you," Andy said.

---

Back in the dressing room…

"Well Faye, we're the final two contestants," Andy said. "Isn't that great?"  
  
"Chicken butt," Faye said.

"What?" Andy said.

  
"Chicken butt," Faye grumbled.

"Oh, come on Faye, I was just having fun with you…" Andy said.

"Chicken butt," Faye grumbled again.

"Look, if it makes you feel better I'll drop out of the contest. Would that be alright?" Andy asked. "You said it yourself, I shouldn't even be in this thing."

"Chicken butt," Faye said. She started to walk out of the dressing room.

"Fine, fine, be that way," Andy said. "I said I was sorry…"

Suddenly, a hand came out from behind a clothes rack, and a rag was pressed over Andy's mouth. He quickly passed out.

"Mwahaha!" said the dark-robed figure triumphantly as he stood above the unconscious Andy. "My poison pills didn't work, but at least I get to kill someone today."

The figure took off her mask to reveal that she was, in reality, Faye's old classmate Betty.

"Young whippersnappers, think they're hotter than me," Betty said. "All young and beautiful. I used to be young and beautiful too! Now you're gonna die!"

"Andy," Faye said as she walked into the dressing room. "Look, all I wanted was some encouragement. You don't have to drop out of the contest. I forgive you."

No reply.

  
"Andy?" Faye said. She turned to look straight into the eyes of her old classmate Betty. "Betty, what are you doing-"

Just then, Faye saw Andy passed out on the floor. She gasped.

"That's right, Faye!" Betty said. "I'm the killer!"

  
"Why, Betty, why?" Faye asked.

"Because you're young and beautiful, and I'm old and wrinkled!" Betty said. "All off you young whippersnappers!"

  
"First of all, the girl you just knocked out isn't a girl, it's a guy. That's my friend, Andy. And second of all, I'm going to arrest-" 

"You whippersnappers have such big and beautiful breasts!" Betty shrieked, taking off her robe and her shirt. "Look at my boobs! They sag! I'm old! Why aren't you old, Faye?"

"Golfing accident," Faye said. "Long story."

Faye pointed her gun at Betty.

"You're under arrest," Faye said.

"You wouldn't do this to me," Betty said. "Look at me! I'm an old woman! And I'm your friend!"

"Actually, you were one of those preppy kids that made fun of me and my friends," Faye said. "You were never my friend."

  
"Shucks, you remembered," Betty said.

---

Back aboard the Bebop…

"I got five million for turning Betty in and one million for winning the pageant!" Faye said. "Six million wulongs!"

  
"That's great, Faye-Faye!" Edward said. "Ed won too!"  


"I know!" Faye said. "Edward, I'm not mad at you anymore. You rock!" 

"Yay!" Edward cheered. 

Faye turned to Andy, who was now in his normal clothes.

"Isn't there something you want to say to me?" Faye asked.

"Not really," Andy said.

"I saved your life," Faye said. "Now say it."

"I don't want to," Andy grumbled.

  
"Say it!" Faye yelled.

"Alright," Andy said. His lips curved into a smile. "Chicken butt."

"Grrr…" Faye growled.

Andy's scream of pain could be heard for miles.

"Showed him," Faye growled, walking off.

"I said I was sorry…" Andy said weakly.

__

See you, space chicken…

---

Andy: That's wack, dawg!

Applederry: Huh?  
  
Andy: Feel the beat, yo!  
  
Edward: Um… okay!

Faye: What's going on? What's that scratching noise?  


Andy: Next episode, we be rappin' in style on da Bebop! 

Faye: *screams* My records!

Andy: Da next episode of Bebop be funky fresh! Next episode: "Rapped Between A Rock and A Hard Place"! You touch mah chain, imm'a kill you!

Edward: Long title, oooh…

  
Faye: You scratched up my records! Imm'a kill you, Cowboy Andy!  
  
Andy: Now you be gettin' da hang of it!


	10. Rapped Between A Rock And A Hard Place

A few reviews!

Katie: Aw, sorry I made ya snort so much. My advice: don't drink anything while reading The Funnier Sessions. Especially soda pop.

Blooknaberg: Chicken Bone parody, yup! Uh oh, looks like I started a craze…

Homie G (AKA NessacusGirl): Yay! Edward wins! *waves hands in the air like he doesn't care*

Nowhere Man: I guess that's okay… it's wulongs. ^_^

The Review Guy: Yep, uh-huh, it's rap! G!

Woodstock: No, not 80s-revival. Rap! Rap in da house! Yeah!

---

Disclaimer: I don't be ownin' Cowboy Bebop, or none of da characters. So don't sue me, or I'll bust a cap in yo… yeah. G! 

Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters be OOC. Just warning you now.

---

****

BIGGERSHOT: The NEW Show For Bounty Hunters

The NEW Paunch: Judy, we're going after a VERY bad guy today!  


Crazy Judy: How bad is he?

The NEW Paunch: He's bad! 

*A picture of a pale white guy with a big red letter "S" tattooed on his head appears on the screen.*

The NEW Paunch: Scotty Scienbar, also known as the rap superstar Esines, is wanted for 50 counts of weapons possession, 30 counts of drug possession, and 10 counts of a gun filled with drugs possession! 

Crazy Judy: Well, you know what they say! Possession is nine-tenths of the law!

  
The NEW Paunch: What's the bounty on this guy?

Crazy Judy: Well… *starts foaming at the mouth*  
  
The NEW Paunch: Uh oh! I'll just say that this guy is worth 3 million wulongs! *is tackled by Crazy Judy*

"Hey guys," Faye yelled from the other room. "I'm taking Ed to her first concert tonight."

"It's a rap concert!" Ed yelled. "Esines!"

"Esines is a criminal," Andy said. "The TV says he's worth 3 million dollars if we bring him in."  


"And I don't want you going to that concert anyway!" Applederry yelled. "He uses too many curse words in his music."

"Ed won't use those words!" Edward said. "Please can Ed go see Esines?"

"Wait a second," Faye said, walking into the room. "Three million wulongs?"

  
"Yeah," Andy said.

"If there's a bounty on him, why is he giving a concert?" Faye asked.

"He's not too bright," Andy said. "But there'll probably be a lot of other bounty hunters there to catch him."

"I'm going to get him," Faye said. She turned to Edward. "And you're not gonna ruin it for me, you Esines fangirl you."

"Edward will help Faye-Faye, okay?" Edward said. "Edward thought you were the big Esines fan."

"Not anymore," Faye said. "Three million wulongs, here I come!"

---

****

Session 36: Rapped Between A Rock And A Hard Place

---

Meanwhile, in Esines' hood…

"Yo g, I got some guns," Esines said, dropping several guns onto a pawnbroker's desk. "How much money you gonna give me?"  


"Hey S, don't you know you've got a bounty on your head?" the pawnbroker asked. "You oughta be careful."

"Don't be tellin' me what to do, dawg!" Esines yelled, pointing one of his guns at the pawnbroker. "I'mma kill you!"

"It's not even loaded," the pawnbroker said.

  
"Shut up, g! I'mma kill you!" Esines yelled again. "You (bleep)! I know what I'mma do. I'mma write a rap 'bout you and sing it tonight at the concert. So there!"

Esines ran out of the pawn shop in a rage.

---

Meanwhile, the Bebop was landing in the middle of Esines' hood. Andy and Faye stepped out, leaving Applederry and Edward in the ship. Andy was riding his horse.

"If we're going to catch Esines, we've got to start in his hood," Applederry said.

"Why do we have to come to this dirty old place?" Faye asked. "Why can't we just wait for the concert?"  


"Because he's vulnerable here," Andy said. "Now, I got an inside tip that said that Esines lives somewhere on 10 Mile."

  
"Where's that?" Faye asked.

  
"It's a street," Andy said. "Hurry!"

Andy's horse began to gallop away. Faye dashed after him.

"Wait!" Faye yelled. "You don't know where 10 Mile is!" 

"It's 10 miles from here!" Andy yelled. 

  
"No it's not!" Faye screamed. "Andy!"

---

Meanwhile, aboard the Bebop…

"Edward's going to a concert!" Edward cheered, doing cartwheels all over the ship.

"We're only going so we can catch Esines," Applederry said. "And if Andy and Faye catch him, we won't even go to the concert."

"Aw, Edward wanted to go to a concert…" Edward sighed, sitting down. 

"If you're good, I'll take you to the Five Hot Guys concert next week!" Applederry said.

"Really?" Edward asked.

"I promise," Applederry said.

  
"Yay! Yay! Five Hot Guys! Hot Guys Five! For Edward! Yay!" Edward cheered.

---

"Who's dis ship belong to?" Esines asked, turning to his three homies.

"I dunno. Looks like it be some fishing ship!" said Homie 1.

"Let's vandalize it!" Homie 2 said.

  
"Let's rob it!" Homie 3 suggested.

"No, no, no," Esines said. "Let's go in dere and kick some (bleep)!"

"Alright!" the three homies said in unison.

---

Back inside the Bebop, Edward and Ein were rolling on the floor.

"Stop that," Applederry said. "That dog probably has fleas."

"Fleas?" Edward said. She looked Ein straight in the eyes. "Does Ein-doggy have fleas?"

Ein barked.

"Doggy-person says he doesn't have any fleas!" Edward said. Suddenly, voices could be heard on the ship. Applederry stood up.

"Are Faye-Faye and Andy-person back?" Edward asked.

"I don't think so," Applederry said.

"Oooh, bad guys on Bebop!" Edward said. "Get 'em, get 'em, father person!"  


Esines and his three homies walked into the room.

"Alright, let's whoop these suckas!" Esines said. The three homies rushed at Applederry and immediately had their butts kicked. Badly.

"That was pathetic," Applederry said. "Hey, you're that Esines guy!"

Edward gasped.

"Esines was Edward's hero!" Edward yelled. "Wait, no he wasn't. Ed just wanted to go to a concert. But it's the principle of the thing!"

  
"Edward?" Applederry said.

  
"Um… bad bad Esines!" Edward yelled. "Esines is bad!"

"Uh… Esines be outta here, dawgs!" Esines yelled. He ran off.

"Go after him, father-person!" Edward yelled.

"We'll wait for the concert," Applederry said. "Then I can kick his butt in front of an audience!"  


"Oooh!" Edward said. "Good for father-person!"

---

Meanwhile, in the middle of Esines' hood…

"Andy," Faye said, now sitting behind Andy on his horse. "We've looked all over and we still can't find 10 Mile…"

"Wait, there it is!" Andy said. He pointed to a street sign that said "10 Mile" on it.

"Oh, there it is," Faye said. "You were lying! It was nine miles away!"  


"Shut up, little lady," Andy said. The horse rode into a small group of abandoned buildings.

"This place is scary," Faye said.

"It's called 'the projects'," Andy said. "I remember when we had this project in school, and I kept putting it off…"

"That's not why it's called 'the projects', Andy," Faye said. "It's not that kind of project!"

"Same difference," Andy said. He got off the horse and walked up to a group of teenagers. "Hello, kids. Have you seen Esines lately?"

"He's preparin' for his concert," one of the teenagers said. "Seems some punk dude and his punk kid beat up his homies, and he wants revenge."

"Really?" Andy asked. "Crap, other bounty hunters got to him first."

  
"You guys be bounty hunters?" another teenager asked. "Y'all tryin' to catch Esines, aren't you?"

"We gonna mess y'all up!" said another teenager. 

"Uh oh," Faye said. "Andy, we gotta run!"

Suddenly, Andy and Faye were surrounded by a group of twenty angry teenagers, all of them carrying illegally possessed guns.

"We're trapped!" Andy yelled.

"We gonna kill you," the leader of the angry teens said. "But if you can beat me in a rapping contest, we might let you suckas live."

"Uh… okay," Andy said. "That sounds good."

  
"I'll go first," the leader of the teenagers said. "Listen to mah funky beat!"

__

I'm a gangsta, and it's plain to see

I'm gonna mess you up and (bleep) (bleep)

(bleep) yo momma and (bleep) yo dad

And (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) yo dumb dog

(bleep) (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) you too, (bleep)

The teens cheered wildly.

"What was that?" Faye asked. "It was just a random string of insults and obscenities."

"Looks like my rap wins, dawg," the angry teen said. "Unless you posers have something better."

__

"If all you have to do to make these guys happy is curse a lot, then…" Andy thought.

"Well, I'm no rapper, but Faye is," Andy said.

"What?" Faye whined. "But-"

  
Andy whispered something in Faye's ear.

"WHAT?" Faye screamed. "Why you (bleep) (bleep) (bleep)! (bleep) you! (bleep) you, you (bleep) Cowboy Andy! (bleep)ing stupid (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) cowboy! (bleep)ing (bleep)!

The teens stared at Faye, and began clapping.

"Whoa!" the angry teens' leader said. "That was the best rap evuh!"

"Faye Valentine, you be the best rappuh in da hood!" another one of the teens said.

"Andy, can we go to the concert now?" Faye asked.

---

A while later, elsewhere on Mars, in a huge concert building…

"This Esines concert's gonna be awesome!" Edward yelled. "Yay!"

  
"I thought Esines attacked you guys," Andy said. 

"Oh yeah, he did," Edward said. "Ed forgot!"

"So where's Faye?" Applederry asked.

"Backstage, trying to get to Esines," Andy said. "I told her to wait until he actually came out on stage, but you know Faye."

---

Backstage…

"I'll rap you for it," Faye said to a guard standing in front of the backstage door. "And if I win, you have to let me backstage to Esines."

"Esines said not tuh let any suckas backstage," the guard said. "Now can you dig that?"  


"(bleep) you," Faye said.

"Whoa, that was pretty good!" the guard said. "I'd let you in, but you know, Esines said not to."

  
"(bleep)ing (bleep)!" Faye yelled.

"You're almost as good as Esines," the guard said. "Almost."

---

Meanwhile, on stage…

"There he is!" Edward yelled. "Esines!"

  
Esines walked out on stage. 

"Alright, who is ready to rap?" Esines yelled. The crowd cheered.

"Alright, who's ready to catch this guy?" Andy asked. He started to walk on stage, but was quickly blocked off by several other bounty hunters who were also trying to catch Esines.

"Uh oh," Esines said. "Bounty hunters… I gotta get the (bleep) outta here!"

Esines quickly ran toward the backstage door. When he opened it, he was confronted by a smiling Faye.

"Hello, Esines," Faye said seductively. "Guess what? I'm gonna catch you and turn you in for money!"

"Aaaah!" Esines yelled. He backed up, right into Andy.

"Good thing Applederry knocked out all those other bounty hunters," Andy said. "Alright, Esines, I've got you!"

  
"Oh no!" Esines screamed.

  
"Andy, I'm catching him!" Faye yelled. "Me! Me!"

"I'm catching him, Faye," Andy said. "Don't make me say 'chicken butt' again."  


"You wouldn't dare!" Faye yelled.

"Wait, wait," Esines said. "Tell you two what. I'll let one of you catch me. The winner… of a rap contest."

  
"Me rap against her?" Andy asked.

  
"Yeah, I'd cuss him out," Faye said. 

"Rapping isn't all cussing," Esines said. "It's only 75% cussing!"

"Alright, here goes," Andy said.

__

My name's Cowboy Andy

And I'm the man

I'm Cowboy Andy

And I'm number one

My identity is Cowboy Andy

I'm the best, oh yeah

Faye laughed.

"That's pathetic!" Faye yelled. "You're just stating your name and the fact that you're number one. Ha!"

  
Faye began to rap.

__

Your name's Cowboy Andy

And your rap sucks

(bleep) (bleep) (bleep)

It really sucks

You think you're number one

You think you're the man

But (bleep) (bleep) (bleep)

I've got the master plan

(bleep) yeah

"Hey, you said you wouldn't cuss!" Andy yelled.

"Shut the (bleep) up," Faye said.

"That's wack!" Esines said. "My rap's fresh, and yours is sad. You both rap worse than my granddad. Rap's not about cussing or being number one. It's about doing your own thing and having fun!"

"He's right," Andy said. "Faye, we've had the wrong idea all along."

"Yeah," Faye said. "Esines has taught us so much…"

"And now it's time for me to go," Esines said. "So goodbye cowboy and goodbye ho!"

Esines ran past Faye and Andy and out the emergency exit door. 

"He's such a nice teacher," Andy said.

"Wait a minute," Faye said. "We… we have to catch him!"  


"He's gone," Andy said. "He's long gone."

  
"(bleep)," Faye said.

---

Back aboard the Bebop…

"So you didn't catch him," Applederry said.

"Did Faye-Faye and Andy-person learn how to rap?" Edward asked.

"Yes we did, we learned how to rap," Andy said. "Now our grooves don't sound like crap!"

"We used to be sad, but now we're the best," Faye said. "And all of our raps pass the test."

"That's nice," Edward said. "But where's the cussing?"

"Yeah," Applederry said. "Without cussing, you're not (bleep)."

"Aw, (bleep)," Faye said.

"I have a public image to maintain," Andy said. "I can't cuss. So there!"

__

See you, wholesome cowboy…

---

Edward: Christmas! Merry Christmas! And Happy New Year!

Faye: It's Christmas on Bebop, and we're chasing after a real Grinch!

Andy: When a criminal steals Edward's Christmas presents, we have to chase him down!

  
Applederry: No one steals presents from my son!

Faye: Daughter.

  
Applederry: Whatever.

Edward: It's a Bebop holiday special!

Andy: Next on Bebop: "A Very Bebop Christmas"! Oh, please get Ed's presents back…


	11. A Very Bebop Christmas

A few reviews!

Homie A (Blooknaberg): Yup, Eminem! So much bleeping cussing! ^_^ Whole Cowboy Cereal… yum.

The Review Guy: Hmm… a Christmas episode! Like this! Hee hee!

Katie: Glad ya didn't snort as much. Whoa, you read late! Glad you liked the chapter, thanks for reviewing!

Nowhere Man: I like eating woulongs, yum.

Homie G (NessacusGirl): Aaah! Street slang! Don't hurt me nice gang person! *runs* Hee hee, thank you! *hugs* I hope Ed gets her presents back too!

IluvRikku: Alrighty! I don't know if there's gonna be a BIGGERSHOT this time though! 

Woodstock: Possession… yeah. He wasn't even using those drugs or guns either! Poor Esines… Five Hot Guys, a heavy metal band? Hmmm…

Lem: Nice to see you reviewing again! Glad you liked the chapter! I hope you write more of your fanfic soon!

---

Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop or any of the characters. I also don't own Christmas, Kwanzaa, Hannukah, New Year's, or any of those other holidays, so Santa Claus can't sue me. So there. 

Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now.

---

Edward ran into the main room of the Bebop. In the center of the room was a large, lightly-decorated Christmas tree.

"Guess what day it is?" Edward said. "Guess guess guessing time!"

"I don't know," Faye said.

"Thanksgiving?" Applederry asked.

"Halloween?" Andy said.

  
"Not even clooooose!" Edward said.

  
"Hmm… maybe… Christmas?" Faye said.

"Bingo! Bingo for Faye-Faye! It's Christmas Day, Ed's favorite day of the whole wide year!"  


"Ed," Applederry said. "We have something to tell-"

"Not now, not now! Presents presents presents!" Edward said.

  
"Well, you see, the thing about that is-" Andy began.

"Can we open presents or do we hafta eat breakfast first?" Edward asked.

"Look under the tree, Edward," Applederry said.

"You mean where Edward put her presents to you and you guys put your presents to Edward and Santa-person put presents for every person?" Edward asked. She looks under the tree, and gasped.

"Someone must have come last night while we were sleeping. They took all our presents," Andy said. "I'm sorry…"

  
Tears began to pool in Edward's eyes.

"No… no presents for Edward?" Edward asked. "Santa came… no presents?"  
  
"Maybe Santa took our presents to give to other children," Faye said. 

"Santa-person's nice, but he's not Robin Hood! Santa doesn't steal presents!" Edward cried.

"Well," Andy said, picking a small brown leather wallet off of the ground. "This might help. He left his wallet. It seems the guy's name is Morty Bickle. Edward, check out the criminal history on-"

"Morty Bickle, wanted for petty theft and attempted carjacking," Edward said, sniffling twice. "And now for stealing Bebop's Christmas! Ed and Bebop will get him, won't we, Ein?"  


Ein barked.

---

****

Session 37- A Very Bebop Christmas

---

****

BIGGERSHOT- The NEW Show For Bounty Hunters

---

The NEW Paunch: Today on Biggershot, we're going after a real live Christmas Grinch!  


Crazy Judy: Wow, a Grinch? What did he do?

The NEW Paunch: Morty Bickle is wanted for petty theft, attempted carjacking, and his most recent crime, stealing a whole bunch of Christmas presents! 

  
Crazy Judy: What a sick, sick man! Kinda like me, only I'm not a man and I'm not THAT sick.

The NEW Paunch: Well, I don't know…

  
Crazy Judy: The bounty on Bickle is 257,809 wulongs and Christmas dinner with the crew of Bebop, whom he stole the Christmas presents from!

The NEW Paunch: Not a big bounty, but come on, it's Christmas! *takes out a gun* I know I'll be going after that sick Christmas Grinch!

  
Crazy Judy: Me too! But I need this straitjacket to come off first. 

The NEW Paunch: Oh no, Judy! You're crazy!

  
Crazy Judy: You ruined my Christmas! *tackles The NEW Paunch and starts chewing on his face*

"You put up a quarter of a million wulongs to catch this guy?" Faye asked. "That's a lot of money!"

"Applederry put up half," Andy said.

"And Edward put some in too!" Edward said. "Now Ed will help Bebop get its Christmas back!"

  
"We need to go after him too," Andy said. "If someone else catches him, they could take the presents."

"People wouldn't be that mean on Christmas," Applederry said. "Let's just stay here and enjoy-"

"Ed and Faye are gone," Andy said. "If Faye catches him, she'll get our money and gamble it away."

"We have to stop her!" Applederry shouted, running to the Bebop's controls. "Let's go!"

  
Suddenly, the videophone on the Bebop rang. Andy turned it on. Jet's face appeared on the screen.

"Hey guys, Merry Christmas!" Jet said. "Where's Ed and Faye?"

"Someone came last night and took our presents," Andy said. "Ed and Faye went after him."

  
"Oh yeah, I just saw on the Biggershot show," Jet said. "Rest assured, I'll help you guys catch him."

"Thanks, pal," Applederry said.

"You know, this wouldn't have happened if I was still with you guys," Jet said.

"You still own the ship," Andy said. "You can come back any time you want."

"Really?" Jet asked.

"But not now," Applederry said. "The ship's too messy."

"You made a mess on my ship?" Jet roared. "Why I oughta-"

Andy quickly pressed the "end" button, cutting off the connection.

"Well, let's try to catch this Grinch, shall we?" Andy asked.

"Alrighty," Applederry said. "Let's go!"

---

Meanwhile, the Redtail was landing in the same small town on Callisto where the Jerry Springer show had taken place back several months ago.

"Tomato says that the mean Grinch-person lives here," Edward said.

"This place?" Faye asked. "This is where all the gay guys live…"

Just then, three sexy female supermodels walked past the Redtail, waving.

"Huh?" Faye said. "I thought this town was full of gay men…"

A man walked past the Bebop. He had two supermodels hanging on him, one leaning on each shoulder. Faye hopped out of the Redtail.

"I'm getting to the bottom of this," Faye said.

  
"But what about catching the guy that stole our presents?" Edward asked.

"Let's visit the mayor of this town," Faye said. "He'll have some answers, and maybe we can find out exactly where this Bickle guy lives."

"Okay, Faye-Faye!" Edward said. "Lead the way!"

---

The Bebop hovered over Callisto.

"The Redtail landed here," Andy said. 

"This dude lives on Callisto?" Applederry asked. "Isn't that the hooker capital of the solar system?"

"No wonder he wants to live there," Andy said. "Of course, a wholesome cowboy like me has no need for cheap hookers."

"Whatever," Applederry said. "Land the ship, fast!"

"You like hookers?" Andy asked.

"Who doesn't," Applederry said. "Notice that I have no wife anymore."

"She divorced you because you solicited hookers?" Andy asked. "See, that's why you don't-"

  
"Actually, she died of a disease," Applederry said. "That's when I solicited the hookers."

"Stop talking about hookers!" Andy yelled. "I'm not setting this ship down until you promise me that you won't solicit any hookers while we're on Callisto."

"What about after we leave?" Applederry asked.

  
"No hookers!" Andy yelled.

---

The mayor's office in the small town on Callisto was in actuality a small hut with an old-looking door. Faye and Edward walked inside. The mayor of Callisto was a tall, grey-haired man surrounded by beautiful women.

"Hello," the mayor said. "What can I do for you?"

"What's with all the girls?" Faye asked. "This town used to be full of gay men!"

"Well, that's when I came along," the mayor said. "William Jefferson Clinton IV at your service. But you can call me Bill."

"Okay, Bill Clinton IV, why aren't there any gay men in town?" Faye asked.

  
"I passed a law requiring four out of every five males to get a sex change operation," Bill Clinton IV said. "Now the town's filled with beautiful women! Isn't it great?"  


"Not if you're one of the women," Faye asked.

"Mr. Clinton, umm… I heard that a guy named Morty Bickle lived here," Edward said. "Know where he lives?"  


"I sure do," Bill Clinton IV said. "It's the house surrounded by the big unruly mob of bounty hunters. It seems this sicko stole some Christmas presents from a family aboard some ship called the Bebop. Now every bounty hunter in the galaxy wants to catch him. True Christmas spirit, I must say. It's the meaning of Christmas. But he's not at his house. He must be somewhere else in town, hiding."

  
Bill Clinton IV and his supermodels held up guns.

"If you'll excuse us, we'll be waiting at Bickle's house when he comes back. What kind of a sick person would steal Christmas presents? It makes me sick," Clinton IV said. "Let's go."

Clinton IV and his ten supermodels left the office and walked toward Bickle's surrounded house.

"Are we gonna wait at his house too?" Edward asked.

"No, we're going to try and catch Bickle first," Faye said. "Now, where would someone go with stolen property?"

"To the top of a cliff to throw it off of a mountain?" Edward asked.

  
"No," Faye said. "To a pawn shop!"

Faye and Edward left and went to find the town's pawn shop.

---

Meanwhile, elsewhere in town…

  
"Now remember, you promised not to solicit hookers while we were here," Andy said.

"You're no fun," Applederry said.

  
"Of course I am!" Andy said. "I'm a fun guy! Fun fun fun! Watch!"

Andy took out three bottles and began to juggle them. 

"Where did you get those?" Applederry asked.

  
"Internet," Andy replied.

"We've got to look for the jerk that stole my daughter's Christmas presents!" Applederry said. "Come on!"

---

  
Meanwhile, at the pawn shop…  


"Have you seen a guy with a bunch of Christmas presents come around here?" Faye asked.

"Sure did. Tried to sell them to me. But I wouldn't take them," the pawnbroker said. "What nerve, trying to pawn stolen presents on Christmas."

"Where'd he go?" Edward asked. "Please tell Edward!"

"He mumbled something about going to throw them off of the Callisto cliffs. I tried to stop him, but he got away," the pawnbroker said.

  
"Oh no!" Edward exclaimed. "He gonna throw the presents off a cliff! We have to stop him, Faye-Faye!"

"Let's hurry!" Faye yelled.

---

Meanwhile, at the cliffs, a large, scraggly-looking man was about to throw a large burlap sack off of a large peak.

"If I can't sell them, I'll get rid of them," the man said. "These presents will never be given to anyone!"

"Go Go Cactus Man" began to play.

"Huh?" the man said. He turned around to see a horse galloping up the mountain.

"We can see the whole town from up here," Andy said, his back turned. "Applederry? He's not there… he must have gotten off the horse."

Andy turned around to see Morty Bickle about to throw the presents off of the cliff.

  
"Hey!" Andy yelled. The horse neighed and came to a stop. Andy hopped off the horse. "How dare you steal Christmas presents on Christmas!"

"What are you going to do about it?" Bickle asked. "I'm tossing these presents off the mountain, and no one is gonna stop me!"

Suddenly, a barrage of machine gun fire blasted the cliffs in front of Bickle. He turned around to see the Redtail bearing down on him, Faye and Edward sitting inside.

  
"Give back our presents!" Edward yelled. The Redtail ran into Bickle and then flew back up into the air. Bickle fell over, dropping the bag of presents. Andy took it and looked inside.

  
"They're all here!" Andy yelled. "Alright, now for you, you Grinch!"

"Uh oh…" Bickle said. He backed up toward the cliffs.

"He's gonna jump!" Faye yelled.

Bickle backed up further, and then leaped off of the cliffs. But instead of hitting the ground, he was caught… by the big unruly mob of bounty hunters, who proceeded to club him unconscious with sticks and stones.

"Ooh la la," Edward said. "Poor guy… but he was a mean Grinch!"

"Well, let's head back to the Bebop," Andy said. 

"Sounds good to Edward!" Edward cheered.

---

Back aboard the Bebop, Edward, Andy, and Faye sat in front of a large pile of presents.

"We can't open the presents until we leave," Andy said. "And we can't leave Callisto until Applederry gets back."

"Where is father-person?" Edward asked, looking around.

"Hey, since so many people wanted to help us out, we didn't have to give them any money!" Faye said. "Isn't that nice?"

  
"I guess so," Andy said. "And we didn't have to give them a big dinner either… can you imagine, that many people aboard the Bebop?"

  
"So much Christmas spirit!" Edward said. "They all wanted to help us get our presents back! How nice!'

"Hey guys," came a voice from just outside the room. Andy, Faye, and Edward turned to see Applederry walking into the room with an attractive woman on his shoulder.

"I thought I told you not to hire any hookers," Andy said.

  
"She's not for me, she's for you!" Applederry said. "Merry Christmas!"

"You got me a hooker for Christmas?" Andy asked. Faye and Edward giggled.

"Come on, man! She was really hard to get," Applederry said. "If you don't want her, I guess my son can have her…"  


"I'm a GIRL!" Edward yelled.

"Oops, sorry," Applederry said.

"That hooker used to be a guy," Faye said.

"I don't care," Applederry said. "If you guys don't want the hooker…"

  
"Actually," the hooker said, "I still am a guy."

  
The "hooker" took off her mask and clothes to reveal…

  
"Jet?" Faye said. "What the heck?"

"Merry Christmas, everyone!" Jet said. "Like the surprise?"

"Wait a second," Applederry said. "You disguised yourself as a hooker so you could spend Christmas with us?"

"It's Christmas," Jet said. "Let's not think about that, okay? I also came so I could clean up the ship. It's a total mess!"

Andy slinked back in shame. Faye, Edward, and Applederry laughed.

"God bless us, everyone!" Edward said.

__

Merry Christmas, space cowboy…

---

  
Andy: That was nice.

  
Faye: Hey, where's Jet?

Applederry: He left right after the Christmas party. Didn't you guys say goodbye?

Faye: I guess not.

  
Andy: Anyway… oh crap, Leroy Brown's back.

  
Edward: *gasps*

Faye: And Jet and Macintyre and Stephi are back too!

  
Applederry: I thought Jet left.  


Andy: Well, he has a cameo. We'll need all the help we can get when Leroy Brown returns with a vengeance! This could get ugly!

Faye: Next episode of Bebop… "Bad Guy Bolero- Part 1". Part 1? What the fou?  


Andy: Don't miss it!


	12. Bad Guy Bolero Part 1

A few reviews!

NessacusGirl: Yes, Callisto has changed. Bill Clinton will do that to a satellite. 

The Review Guy: Nah, Misty's sisters won't have a cameo in this story… I think.

Nowhere Man: Thanks! Glad ya finally dropped the wulongs issue!

Katie: Yup, the "IV"s are descendants! Since they wouldn't be alive in 2071… ^_^

Trunkz: Yep! Well, he was actually disguised as a hooker… same thing I guess!

Retro: Thankies for your reviews! Yeah, I think I might visit Callisto… hee hee!

Lem: Glad my formatting tip helped! Thanks for reviewing!

---

Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop or any of the characters. There's a bunch of other stuff I don't own too. So there.

Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now.

---

Aboard the Bebop…

"Andy?" Faye said, poking Andy in the stomach repeatedly. He was passed out on the couch.

"I've tried to wake him up for an hour," Applederry said. "I think he's dead."

"What?" Faye shrieked. "What about Edward? How's she-"

"She got kidnapped an hour ago," Applederry said. "I tried to stop 'em, but I was asleep."

"What kind of a father ARE you?" Faye yelled. "I leave to go to the store for ten minutes, and I come back, and Andy's dead and Ed's been kidnapped! This is insane!"

Suddenly, the door in the room opened. Applederry and Faye turned to see Jet standing in the doorway.

"Heard everything aboard Bebop's gone to heck," Jet said. "So I'm here to save the day. What's up?"

"Jet, Christmas was over two weeks ago," Faye said. "If you're mad we didn't get you that executive chair you wanted, too bad."

"I heard Andy died," Jet said.

"I called him!" Applederry said, smiling. 

"And Ed's been kidnapped too, so Applederry says," Faye sighed. "Jet, what the heck's going on?"

"Leroy Brown's back," Jet said. 

"WHAT?" Faye and Applederry screamed. Andy sat up, blinking.

"You guys woke me up," Andy said. 

"Andy, we thought you were dead," Faye said. "Applederry said you were."

"Heh, we played a trick on you," Applederry said. Edward crawled out from under the couch.

  
"Hi!" Edward said cheerfully. 

"You guys called me here for nothing," Jet said. "Well, actually, there is something. Leroy Brown's back."

"WHAT?" Andy yelled.

---

****

Session 38- Bad Guy Bolero (Part 1)

---

"Yeah, seems he blew up a huge skyscraper on Earth," Jet said. "Of course, since it was a dilapidated old skyscraper, no one was killed, but I thought Andy would like to know. It's a good thing he's alive, huh?"

But Andy was already gone.

"Where'd Andy-person go?" Edward asked.

---

Meanwhile, on Earth, in a small house in the former Earth city of Tokyo, Japan…

"Bwahaha!" Leroy Brown laughed, pounding his fists on a table. Also sitting at the table were four lackeys. "Blowing up the Tokyo Tower was a great idea, and using this house as an evil lair was even better!"

  
"Wouldn't it have been better to use the tower as a lair and just blow up this house?" the lackey asked.

"Who's the evil genius here?" Leroy yelled.

  
"Well, you, but-" the lackey began.

"And who's going to die here?" Leroy asked.

"Me," the lackey said.

"Bingo," Leroy said, taking out a gun and shooting the lackey dead. "Now, as you all know, my plan is to lure Andy here by doing something amazingly evil."

"Wasn't blowing up the Tokyo Tower evil enough?" another lackey asked.

Leroy immediately shot the lackey dead. Now there were only two lackeys left.

"Anyway, my plan is to blow up the moon and allow the meteors to rain down on the Earth, causing mass destruction. That will get that meddling Cowboy Andy here," Leroy said. "And then we can kill him!"  


"Sir," another one of the lackeys said, "Fifty years ago, a giant Goku robot farted on the Moon, blowing up half of it. Meteors continue to rain down on the Earth to this day, causing mass destruction."

Leroy Brown shot the lackey dead, leaving one lackey remaining.

"Any questions?" Leroy asked.

'Sir, why do you and Cowboy Andy hate each other so much? I mean-"

Leroy shot the final lackey dead.

"Crap," Leroy said. "Where did my lackeys go?"

---

Meanwhile, Andy was climbing into his space fighter in the Bebop's hangar.

"I have to go to Earth and fight Leroy Brown," Andy said. "Otherwise he could blow up even more useless buildings!"  


Faye ran into the hangar and approached Andy.

"You can't go," Faye said. "Not without us."

"Why are you so interested in what I do, little lady?" Andy asked.

"I'm not a little lady!" Faye shrieked. "Stop calling me that!"

"Sorry," Andy said. "Faye, you and the others can't come with me. You don't know how dangerous Leroy Brown is."

"Why the heck do you guys hate each other so much? I mean-" Faye began before Andy hopped into his space fighter and flew off. 

"He forgot his horse," Faye said, looking over her shoulder to see Andy's horse behind her. "And when the hangar opened, why weren't we sucked into space? Oh well, I guess that's a good thing…"

  
Faye hopped into the Redtail. Andy's horse looked longingly at her.

"You can't come," Faye said. "You're too big."

A few minutes later, Faye was lying on the floor, holding her head.

"That horse stole the Redtail," Faye said. "I don't believe it."

Suddenly, Faye spotted Jet's Hammerhead.

"Hmm…" Faye said to herself. "Jet won't mind."  


Faye hopped into the space fighter and flew off toward Earth.

---

Meanwhile, on Earth, Macintyre and Stephi were charting out another asteroid impact on their maps.

"Well, that's the fifth today," Stephi said. "Let's take a break…"

"Alright," Macintyre said. "I'm hungry. Want some eggs?"

"We eat eggs every day," Stephi said. "Maybe we should eat something else."

"The only thing to eat on Earth besides eggs are those weird psuedo-chocolate bird candies that little kids sell to you. And those taste like dog food," Macintyre said.

Just then, Leroy Brown walked up to the young couple.

"Hello," Leroy said. "I seem to have shot all of my lackeys to death. I need new ones. Wanna join me? We're going to blow up the moon."

  
"Hey, you're the guy that kidnapped me!" Stephi yelled.

"Well, yeah, but we can forgive and forget, right?" Leroy asked. "Besides, there's free pizza at meetings!"

  
Stephi shrieked.   


"Did you hear that?" Stephi asked. "Something besides eggs!"

"I don't know," Macintyre said. "This guy's bad news."

"But he has free pizza," Stephi said.

"Okay, I'm sold," Macintyre said. "Let's go!"

---

Meanwhile, aboard the Bebop…

"Edward is bored," Edward sighed, slumping down on the Bebop's couch. "When will Andy-person and Faye-Faye be back?"

"I don't care," Applederry said. "I'm so tired…"

Jet paced the ship nervously.

"I'm worried about those two," Jet said. "I'm afraid they're going to get hurt, or killed, or have sex or something."

"Well, the killed and the sex don't sound too bad, but I wouldn't want them getting hurt," Applederry replied. "We'd better follow them."

"Can Edward go?" Edward asked. "Ed wants to visit the nun-person again!"

Jet, Applederry, and Edward ran to the Bebop's hangar. Jet gasped.

"My Hammerhead is gone," Jet said. "It was stolen!"

"Who could have taken the Hammerhead?" Applederry asked.

"Well, the Ten Gallon and the Redtail are gone, so it couldn't have been Andy, and it DEFINITELY couldn't have been Faye," Jet said. "There's a thief around here."

"What's the Ten Gallon?" Edward asked.

"Andy's ship," Jet said. "You know, as in ten-gallon hat?"  


"How would you know what Andy's fighter is named?" Applederry asked.

"Shut up," Jet said. "We're going to Earth."

---

Meanwhile, in a small town on Earth, Andy was interrogating the locals.

"Have you seen Leroy Brown?" Andy asked a small male child.

"Nope!" the child said. "Wanna buy my chocolate birds?"

"Okay," Andy said. He gave the kid a 50-wulong coin and ate a bird. "This tastes like dog food!"

  
"Really?" said a feminine voice behind Andy. Small, silky hands reached around Andy and grabbed up all of the birds. Andy turned around to see Faye standing behind him, munching up the confections.

"You have to pay for those," Andy said.

"No, that's okay!" the kid said. "As long as she gives me those balloons in her shirt!"  


Faye began to turn red with anger. Andy whispered something in the boy's ear.

"Wow, I didn't know they got THAT big!" the kid said, eyes wide. He looked at Faye. "I'm sorry I thought they were balloons… the puyos are free of charge! Please don't hurt me, Ms. Freak! Er, I mean… um… what do you call the disease she has?"

Andy whispered in the kid's ear again.

"Umm… sorry you have boobitis!" the kid said apologetically. "I gotta go!" 

The kid ran off, carrying the empty puyo box. Faye reared back and punched at Andy, but he ducked out of the way.

"Calm down," Andy said. "Why are you here? I said it was dangerous."

"Your horse stole my Redtail, so I had to steal Jet's Hammerhead to get here," Faye said. "Andy, you need me. Remember that one time I saved you?"  


"Chicken butt," Andy said. Faye punched him out and stomped off in a rage.

---

Meanwhile, elsewhere in town, Andy's horse was having trouble getting out of the Redtail. Just then, a beautiful woman walked up to the small space fighter. She had short, spiky bright-red hair with beautiful blue eyes. She was wearing a white t-shirt with blue jeans and tall, black boots. 

"Awww," the woman said. "Someone stuffed you in here…"

The woman kicked the front of the Redtail, causing the top to fly open. The horse got out and began to gallop away. It turned around and ran up to the woman, then stopped next to her.

"How sweet," the woman said. "It wants me to get on! I think…"

The woman hopped onto the horse.

"Hello there," the woman said sweetly. "My name is Kikome, what's yours?"  


The horse made a small snorting noise.

  
"Okay, giddy up!" Kikome said. The horse whinnied and galloped away. But little did Kikome or the horse know that Leroy, Macintyre, and Stephi were watching from the shadows.

"When do we get pizza?" Stephi asked.

"When we kill Andy," Leroy said.

"I don't wanna kill him!" Macintyre said. "He's my best friend's second best friend!"

"Yeah, and he saved my life…" Stephi said.

Leroy took out his gun and shot Macintyre and Stephi.

"That'll teach you," Leroy said. 

Macintyre and Stephi were lying on the ground, lifeless.

"Yep, you guys have been taught," Leroy said.

Macintyre and Stephi continued to lie on the ground.

"You guys are finished," Leroy said. "That'll teach you. Mwahaha!"  


Suddenly, Macintyre and Stephi stood up.

"My hypno darts work like a charm," Leroy said. "You'll obey me. Bwahaha!"  


Macintyre and Stephi began to laugh evilly.

---

Andy's horse rode into town, ridden by Kikome. The horse rode through the town until it reached the unconscious Andy, still KOed by Faye's punch. Kikome hopped off of the horse and began to shake Andy awake.

"Are you okay?" Kikome asked. Andy slowly began to stir.

"Who are you?" Andy asked. "Where'd Faye go?"

"My name is Kikome Mitsuragi, and I'm a wandering cowgirl from a small town nearby," Kikome said. "Your horse led me to you. At least I think it's yours. It was stuffed into a space fighter…"

"Must be the Redtail," Andy said. "My horse is smart. It rode that thing all the way here. I taught it to steal space fighters, but I forgot to teach it how to get out. The Redtail belongs to Faye. She's the one who punched me out…"

  
Andy stood up and looked around.

"Now she's probably off somewhere, angry and fuming. She's going to get herself in trouble," Andy said.

"Is Faye your girlfriend?" Kikome asked.

"No," Andy said. "She's a woman who travels with my companions and I aboard the Bebop. We chase bountyheads."

"A bounty hunter?" Kikome asked. "Umm…"

"Anyway, I'd better look for Faye. Do you want to travel with me?" Andy asked.

"I really ought to go," Kikome said.

"Why?" Andy asked. "Don't you worry, little lady. You're safe with Cowboy Andy."

"Alright," Kikome said. "Your friend Faye needs help… I'll help you find her."

  
"Great!" Andy said. Andy and Kikome hopped onto Andy's horse and rode off.

---

Meanwhile, in the Tokyo Ruins, Faye was stomping around with an angry look on her face.

"I'm angry," Faye said. "Cowboy Andy, I'm going to kick your butt. But first, I'm going to rest."

Faye saw a small house.

"That house looks empty," Faye said. "I'm going in!"

---

"The rocket will be ready to go to the Moon soon," Leroy said. "We're going to blow half of it up! Any questions?"

The hypnotized Macintyre and Stephi stared at Leroy.

"Great!" Leroy said. "Now, let's go to the moon!"

Suddenly, the door opened. Faye walked inside.

"Oh, this house is full of people," Faye said. Her eyes met with Leroy Brown's. "Hey, I know you. You're Andy's rival, Leroy Brown!"

Leroy smiled. Faye took out her gun and pointed it at him.

"Heh, Andy's going to be so jealous when I bring you back!" Faye said. "I am so much better at bounty hunting than Cowboy Andy. And-"

A large 2x4 struck Faye in the back of the head. She fell limp into Macintyre and Stephi's arms.

"Andy's going to be so mad when I bring you back," Leroy said. "I'm so much better at bounty hunter hunting than Cowboy Andy. Let's go!"

---

Andy and Kikome rode through the Tokyo wastelands on Andy's horse. Just then, Andy spotted a large object sticking out of the ground.

"That looks like a rocket," Andy said.

"Why the heck would someone use a rocket anymore?" Kikome asked. "Large ships and space fighters can get into space just fine."

"Only bad guys use rockets," Andy said. He gasped. "Leroy!"

---

"Bwahaha!" Leroy Brown cackled. "Soon, we'll be on the Moon! Then we'll blow it up! Half of it gone already… that's a lie. A big fat lie. And the big fat liar who lied to me is dead!"

"Go Go Cactus Man" began to play.

"He's coming," Leroy said. "Bwahaha!"

Andy's horse rode up on the horizon, stopping several feet away from Leroy. Andy and Kikome hopped off of the horse.

"Who's this guy?" Kikome asked.

"A very, very bad man," Andy said. He pointed at Leroy. "Okay, today's the day you finally meet your match! So meet it!"

"Not so fast," Leroy said. He snapped his fingers. Stephi and Macintyre stepped in front of Leroy, holding the unconscious Faye.

"Faye!" Andy shouted.

"Bwahaha!" Leroy laughed. "One false move and your girlfriend gets it!"

  
"You said she wasn't your girlfriend," Kikome said.

"She's not," Andy said. "But I can't let you kill her!"

"I'm going to the Moon now," Leroy said. "To blow it up!"

Leroy stepped into the rocket, followed by Stephi and Macintyre, who were still carrying Faye. They tossed the unconscious woman into the rocket as the door closed behind them.

"Get back!" Kikome yelled, pulling Andy back. "The rocket's going to make fire when it blasts off!"

  
"That's what it does?" Andy asked. The rocket lifted up into the air and headed off toward the half-Moon, a huge fireball billowing below the rocket as it soared through the sky.

"Close one," Kikome said.

"They do make fire when they blast off," Andy said. "But I'm going to make more fire when I kick Leroy's butt and rescue Faye!"

"Maybe I should go now," Kikome said. "Bye!"

  
Kikome ran off.

  
"Yes, maybe it is a bit dangerous for her," Andy said. "Well, no matter. I shall stop Leroy and save Faye by myself!"  


Andy's horse snorted angrily.

"I guess you can help," Andy said. "Don't worry, Faye! I shall rescue you, for I am… Cowboy Andy!"

"Go Go Cactus Man" played as the mighty steed rode off into the sunset.

__

To be continued…

---

Kikome: Next time on Bebop, I show up again! 

Andy: I was wondering where you'd gone.

  
Kikome: Well, you don't know yet.

Edward: On the way to Earth, space pirates hijack the Bebop!

  
Jet: That's bad.

Applederry: You said it. Bet I can kill more of them than you can!

  
Jet: You're on!

Leroy: *laughs* I'm going to blow up half the Moon!

  
Faye: There's only a half left, you idiot.

Leroy: That does it, I'm taping your mouth shut!

  
Faye: Why me?  
  
Andy: I'll save you! Well, I hope. There's got to be some suspense! But fear not, I shall pull through, for I am… Cowboy Andy! Next episode of Bebop: "Bad Guy Bolero (Part 2)"!

Applederry: Don't forget to unhypnotize my friends!

  
Andy: Now how am I supposed to do that?


	13. Bad Guy Bolero Part 2

A few reviews!

NessacusGirl: Onyx is the horse's name? Hee, I sorta forgot… Kikome, a bounty on her head? I don't know… maybe! And Andy will rescue Faye-Faye! Or at least he'll try!

Blooknaberg: Yeah, they tried to get pizza and now they're all hypnotized and stuff! Uh oh… ^_^

Lem: I sorta just made up a name that sounded pretty. I didn't mean to combine them but I guess I did! ^_^ And yep, Faye's a hostage again. Poor Faye-Faye… at least Andy's there to save her!

The Review Guy: I like Faye's balloons, what can I say? ^_^

Trunkz: Sorry to keep you in suspense… or am I? Bwahaha!

Katie: Hee, poor Macintyre and Stephi… and poor Faye! Poor poor Faye!

---

Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop or any of the characters. There's a bunch of other stuff I don't own too. So there.

Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now.

---

****

BIGGERSHOT- The NEW Show For Bounty Hunters

Crazy Judy: We've got a great bounty today! 

The NEW Paunch: And it's a girl!

  
Crazy Judy: Oooh! Like me!

  
The NEW Paunch: She's not crazy like you.

  
Crazy Judy: I'm not crazy! Why you… *runs at The NEW Paunch*

*Several asylum workers grab Crazy Judy.*

  
The NEW Paunch: Like I said, we've got a new bounty. Kikome Mitsuragi is wanted for horse rustling and horse wrestling.

Crazy Judy: Lemme go!

The NEW Paunch: The bounty on her is a whopping 17 million wulongs!

  
Crazy Judy: *breaks free from the asylum workers and tackles the NEW Paunch*

---

"Are we ready to go to Earth?" Applederry asked.

"Wow, 17 million wulongs…" Jet said, staring at the TV screen. "Wait, I mean, yeah, let's go."

"Um, guys?" Edward said, walking into the room timidly. "We've got a bit of a problem…"

"What is it, Edward?" Jet asked. "Are we out of gas?"

"Are we out of food?" Applederry asked.

"It's worse than that! Way way way worsy-worse!" Edward shouted. "Space pirates!"

"Arr, mateys, that's right!" said a raspy-sounding voice from outside the room. "We be space pirates!"  


A large man wearing a huge black pirate hat walked into the room. Four men followed him, wearing bandannas on their heads.

"This is bad," Jet said.

---

****

Session 39: Bad Guy Bolero (Part 2)

---

Meanwhile, Andy was still riding around Earth on his horse.

"Wait a second," Andy said. "Maybe this would be better if I just took a space fighter to the Moon."

Suddenly, a human figure running across the horizon caught Andy's eye.

"That's Kikome," Andy said to himself. He turned his horse around and galloped up next to her."

  
"It's you!" Kikome said in a startled tone. "Um… what do you want?"

"I just wanted to say hi," Andy said. "It's pretty dangerous to be out here by yourself without a horse."

"I know what you want!" Kikome yelled. "You're a bounty hunter! You know I'm wanted for 17 million!"

"Actually, no I didn't," Andy said. 

"Oh," Kikome replied. "Oh crap. Oh crap on a crap cracker, crap crap crap."

Kikome turned around and ran away from Andy as fast as she could.

"Wait!" Andy yelled. "I'm not going to try and catch you!"

Kikome stopped.

  
"You're a liar!" Kikome shouted. "All bounty hunters are."

"What's with the prejudice against us bounty hunters? I'm a cowboy. You can trust me," Andy said. "Once we rescue Faye, you might want to leave in a hurry though."

"Okay," Kikome said. "But if you try to catch me… I'll do something that you won't like! I promise!"

"All I want to do is save Faye and stop the Moon from getting blown up," Andy said. 

"Okay," Kikome said.

"Now, we need to find my space fighter," Andy said. "Where could it-"

"Found it," Kikome said, pointing at Andy's space fighter. 

  
"How the heck do you find things so fast?" Andy asked. 

"It's a talent," Kikome said. 

"Is that why you have a bounty on your head?" Andy asked. "You'd really make a good bounty hunter."

But when Andy finished those words, Kikome was gone. As well as…

"My horse!" Andy yelled. "She took my horse! Argh!"  


Andy hopped into his space fighter. It lifted several feet off the ground.

"I'll be able to find her quicker this way," Andy said. He looked around. "Aw crap, no I won't! She's completely gone!"

---

Meanwhile, aboard the Bebop…

"So… space pirates… what do you plan to do?" Jet asked. The three members of Bebop and the five pirates had been staring each other down for several minutes, and no one had done anything.

"We plan to rob yer ship and make ya walk the plank!" the captain of the space pirates laughed. "Bwahaha!"  
  
"You guys are boring," Applederry said. He ran at the five space pirates and launched a sweeping high kick at them, hitting two of the pirates and knocking them out. The captain ducked under the kick and slashed Applederry across the arm with his beard, which was in the shape of a sharp hook.

"Mwahaha!" the captain laughed. "By the way, I haven't told you my name. I'm Hookbeard the pirate!"

"Hookbeard?" Jet asked.

"I lost my beard in an unfortunate smelting accident, so I regrew it in the shape of a hook!" Hookbeard said.

"My arm hurts!" Applederry yelled. "That was a cheap shot!"

Hookbeard's two remaining conscious crew members ran up to Applederry and knocked him out with the hilts of their swords. Edward gasped.

"You hurt Applederry-person!" Edward yelled angrily. "Raarrrgh!"

Edward leaped onto Hookbeard's head and began chewing on it furiously. Hookbeard screamed in pain.

"Get her off!" Hookbeard yelled.

The other two crew members backed away. 

"Get him, Edward!" Jet cheered. "While I'm, uh… over here."

Jet also began to back off. Suddenly, Hookbeard managed to pry Edward off of his head. He held her up in the air.

"Bwahaha!" Hookbeard laughed. "No one defeats Hookbeard!"  


Hookbeard threw Edward into the wall, knocking her out. 

"This is bad…" Jet said.

---

Meanwhile, up on the Moon (well, half of it anyway…) in Leroy Brown's super-secret Moon base…

"It seems that Andy was right," Leroy said. "There's only half of the Moon here."

"Duh," Faye said. Her arms and legs were strapped to the wall. "Everybody knows that. You're stupid."

"You're stupider," Leroy said. "I caught you!"

"You only caught me because of your stupid hypno friends," Faye said.

"They're not hypno friends! They're real friends! I HAVE REAL FRIENDS!" Leroy yelled.

"Sure you do," Faye said.

Leroy turned to Macintyre and Stephi.

"You guys are my real friends, right?" Leroy asked. "Right?"

Macintyre and Stephi nodded their heads.

"Well of COURSE they're going to nod their heads. They're your hypno slaves!" Faye yelled. 

"That does it!" Leroy yelled. He ran over to his desk and pulled out two rolls of tape. "You want duct tape or masking tape?"

"Er… duct tape, I guess…" Faye sighed. 

Leroy tore off a big piece of masking tape and placed it over Faye's mouth.

"Bwahaha! You said you wanted duct tape, and I put on masking tape! I'm evil! I'm EEEEVIL!" Leroy laughed. "Aren't I evil?"

Macintyre and Stephi nodded.

---

Meanwhile, back on Earth…

"There she is," Andy said, pointing down at Kikome. "Wait, what's she doing?"

Kikome and Andy's horse were rolling on the ground, wrestling. Andy hopped out of the Ten Gallon and ran over to them.

"Hey, hey, HEY!" Andy yelled. "What the heck do you think you're doing?"  


Kikome and Onyx stood up.

"I'm wrestling your horse," Kikome said. "It's a great way to train!"

"Horse stealing… rustling, is a crime, little lady," Andy said. "And wrestling them is also a crime."

"A crime?" Kikome asked. "What planet is this?"  


A loud trumpet solo began to play.

"Stop the music, that song is instrumental, it can't be parodied!" Andy yelled. The music stopped abruptly. "Look, after we save Faye and the Moon, you can wrestle with Onyx all you want, okay?"

"Okay," Kikome sighed. "But if I get beaten up by the bad guys because I'm so weak, it's all your fault!"  


"Geez, you sound just like Faye," Andy said. "Okay, fine. You and the horse can wrestle. For one hour. Wherever Faye is, she can't be in that much trouble. And even if she is, that's okay."  


"I thought you liked Faye," Kikome said. 

"I do," Andy said. "Not like that, though!"

Kikome giggled.

"Are you gonna wrestle my horse, or not?" Andy asked.

---

Meanwhile, back aboard the Bebop, Jet, Applederry, and Edward were locked in the Bebop's restroom.

"Those pirates are gonna pay!" Edward yelled.

"My arm hurts," Applederry whined.

"Quit that, you big baby. I've had my arm chopped off. Want me to chop off your arm?" Jet asked.

"Are you calling me a baby?" Applederry yelled, standing up. "I'll whoop you!"

"Guys, we have to figure out a way to get out of here! Father-person and Jet-person, please don't fight!" Edward said.

"You know, Andy and Faye are coming back soon," Jet said. "Let them handle the pirates."

"Yes, Francoise. Daddy and the nice man are fighting now," Applederry said.

"My name's Edward!" Edward yelled. "Edward is Edward!"

---

Meanwhile, three space fighters were headed toward the (half) Moon. Andy was riding the Ten Gallon, Kikome was inside the Redtail, and Onyx was piloting the Hammerhead.

"I can't believe that horse can fly a space fighter," Kikome said.

"I taught it!" Andy said. "Onyx is the smartest horse in the universe."  


"You didn't teach it to get out of the ship," Kikome said.

"Well duh," Andy said. "Look at him, stuffed in there. There's no way he can press the button to get out of there."

"If he can't press the button to get out of there, how can he press the buttons to drive?" Kikome asked.

Andy frowned.

"Or maybe it's best for me not to think of those things," Kikome said. Andy smiled and nodded.

"We're approaching the Moon now!" Andy said. 

The Moon, which had been split in half by the Goku Fart Disaster 50 years earlier, was a huge half-sphere surrounded by large asteroids. A huge, glowing, exposed core in the center of the large satellite continued to glow, still having not cooled off from the cataclysmic Fart Disaster. Andy, Kikome, and Onyx had to navigate through the asteroids carefully. However, they miraculously dodged them all and landed on the Moon's surface without incident.

"Won't we need spacesuits?" Kikome asked.

"Nah," Andy said. "When the Goku robot farted to blow up half the Moon, the methane fart gas created an atmosphere around the Moon similar to Earth."

"Earth's atmosphere is made up of nitrogen and oxygen…" Kikome said. "How would methane-"

Andy frowned.

"Never mind," Kikome said.

---

Meanwhile, in Leroy Brown's super-secret evil moon base, a giant laser gun had been pointed at the Moon's surface.

"Bwahaha!" Leroy laughed. "It's time to blow up the Moon!"

Macintyre and Stephi laughed.

"See, this is what I'm talking about," Leroy said. "If I had different lackeys, they would have spouted off crap like 'If you blow up the Moon while we're on it, it'll kill us all!' or 'Wouldn't blowing up the Moon be dangerous?' or 'Can I have some pizza?' Stuff like that. It really gets on my nerves."

"Mmmph!" Faye shouted, muffled by the tape over her mouth.

"And what do you want?" Leroy asked. He walked up to Faye and took the tape off of her mouth.

"If you blow up the Moon while we're on it, it'll kill us all! Wouldn't blowing up the Moon be dangerous? Can I have some pizza?" Faye asked.

"See, this is what I'm talking about!" Leroy said, putting the tape back on Faye's mouth. He turned to Macintyre and Stephi. "That's what I'm talking about! I'm talking about stuff like that!"

Macintyre and Stephi nodded.

  
"See, you guys know what I'm talking about," Leroy said. "And now, to blow up the Moon! Bwaha-"

"Go Go Cactus Man" started to play. Faye's face lit up.

"I knew trying to blow up the Moon, AND hypnotizing his friends, AND kidnapping his girlfriend would lead Cowboy Andy here!" Leroy said. The sound of galloping hooves could be heard off in the distance. Onyx rode up to the giant laser, ridden by Andy and Kikome. The two leaped off of the horse and faced Leroy.

"Alright, Leroy Brown. Let Faye go and stop trying to blow up the Moon!" Andy yelled.

"Macintyre, Stephi, get them!" Leroy shouted. The hypnotized couple ran at Andy and Kikome. Kikome knocked out Stephi easily, but when Andy tried to knock out Macintyre, he leaped up into the air and tossed an egg at Andy. It splattered in Andy's face, knocking him to the ground.

"Argh!" Andy shouted. "My eyes!"

  
Kikome ran at Macintyre and tried to legsweep him. Macintyre leaped above Kikome's leg and kicked her to the ground.

"Mwahaha! Mwahahahahaha!" Leroy laughed. "Now, finish them off!"

Macintyre stood above Andy and Kikome.

"Uh oh…" Kikome said. "We're doomed!"

  
"Bwahaha!" Leroy laughed. Macintyre stared Andy straight in the eye. Then, he turned to face Leroy.

"Gotcha," Macintyre said. 

"What?" Andy said.

"I only PRETENDED to be hypnotized!" Macintyre said. "So did Stephi! It was all part of our plan!"  


Kikome began to laugh.

"I wasn't informed of this plan," Andy said.

"I told Applederry. Where is he?" Macintyre asked.

"He's back aboard the Bebop," Andy said.

"Doesn't he always come with you?" Macintyre yelled. 

"Not this time," Andy said.

"Sorry about knocking out your wife," Kikome said.

"She'll be okay," Macintyre said. "She has a metal plate in her head. Like that one lady on that old TV show! With the brothers that had the same names?"

"Oh yeah," Andy said. "That show. What was it called?"  
  
"Argh!" Leroy yelled, taking out a gun and shooting Macintyre in the stomach. "A thousand times argh! Argh to the MAX!" 

  
Macintyre doubled over and fell to the ground.

"Macintyre!" Andy yelled.

"Those two must have had immunity to my hypno darts," Leroy said.

"Yep," Macintyre groaned. "Smart, huh?"

"But I still have my trump card!" Leroy said. He pointed his gun at Faye's head. "Surrender or she dies!"

"Mmmph!" Faye yelled.

"Is that you, Faye?" Andy asked, looking up at her. "Oooh, watch this. Chicken butt."

"Grrrr…." Faye growled.

"See, it makes her mad when I say that," Andy said. "But she can't do anything about it because she's tied up! Chicken butt!"

Faye growled again. Her face began to turn red.

"Uh, Andy…" Kikome said. "I don't think she likes-"

"Chicken butt chicken butt chicken butt!" Andy shouted. Faye's face began to turn even redder. Steam began coming out of her ears.

"If you think that's helping, you're mistaken," Leroy said. 

"Chicken butt!" Andy shouted. "Chicken-"

In a fit of extreme rage, Faye burst free from the straps that held her to the wall. She ripped the tape off of her mouth and ran at Cowboy Andy.

"STOP SAYING THAT!" Faye screamed. "I'M GOING TO KILL YOU, COWBOY ANDY!"

  
"My hostage!" Leroy shouted angrily. Faye tackled Andy to the ground and began pounding his head into the floor.

"You stupid stinky cowboy!" Faye shouted, pounding Andy's head into the floor repeatedly. "Gaaaah!"

Leroy tried to point his gun at Andy, but Faye was in the way.

"Darn it, I can't get a clean shot!" Leroy yelled. "He's beaten me with his human shield! You may have won this time, but it's not over, Cowboy Andy! Not by a long shot!"

  
Leroy jumped into an escape pod and jettisoned off into space. Faye crawled off of the badly beaten Andy, stood up, and brushed herself off.

"I taught him," Faye said. "Nobody messes with Faye Valentine!"

"What about Edward?" Andy groaned.

"WHY YOU…" Faye yelled, stomping on Andy repeatedly.

  
"I'd better go," Kikome said. She picked up Macintyre and Stephi. "I'll take these two to a hospital."

Kikome hopped onto Onyx and rode out of Leroy's base.

"My horse…" Andy said weakly.

"We'd better go catch it," Faye said. "Well, come on. Get up!"  


Andy passed out.

"Oops," Faye said. "Hit him too hard… aww, he looks so cute when he's sleeping on the floor like that. Hee hee!"

Faye brushed the hair away from Andy's forehead and kissed him.

"Now why did I do that?" Faye asked. "Oh well. Time to go back to the Bebop."

---

Back aboard the Bebop…

"Hello?" Faye yelled, Andy's unconscious form slung over her shoulder. "Anyone home? Man, I really have to use the bathroom."

Faye walked over to the bathroom door. Posted there was a note. Faye took the note from the door.

"Arrr," Faye read. "We be pirates. Arrr, we pillaged your ship. Arrr. Have a nice day. Signed, Hookbeard."

Faye opened the bathroom door to see Edward standing next to the unconscious Jet and Applederry.

"Hello, Faye-Faye! Space pirates locked us in the bathroom, and Father-person and Jet-person had a fight! And Ed thinks it was a tie…"

"Space pirates?" Faye asked. "But all of our stuff's still here."

  
Faye looked at the note.

"Oh, there's more. P.S.," Faye read, "Your ship be full o' crap. All we took were ye sexy dress collection. We like to crossdress."

  
Faye's face turned red again.

"Is Faye-Faye mad?" Edward asked.

*cue sound of Malcolm In The Middle door-slamming*

__

See you, angry cowgirl…

---

Faye: Arrrrgh!

Edward: Faye-Faye… is mad.

Faye: You're darn right I'm mad! I was captured by an evil terrorist, my wardrobe's been stolen, and my trash bags are all melted.

Andy: You should have used Glad trash bags.

Faye: Shut up.

Andy: Anyway, next episode, Faye goes after the space pirates that took her stuff, while aboard the Bebop, we vote to see who has to leave!  
  
Jet: Applederry.

Applederry: Jet!

Faye: I'm so pissed off.

Andy: Hey, my horse was stolen.

Faye: You'll get it back in a few episodes! I'll never get my sexy wardrobe back!

Andy: Didn't you hear what I said? You'll get it back next episode!

  
Edward: Faye-Faye kissed Andy-person on the forehead!

Faye: ARGH!

Andy: Next episode, "Hell Hath No Fury Like Faye-Faye". 

Faye: You're darn right!

Andy: Don't get mad, get Glad!

Faye: SHUT UP!


	14. Hell Hath No Fury Like Faye Faye

A few reviews!

Retro: Yes, you do need Glad bags! They make you glad! Faye needs a few…

Lem: That show was awesome! Too bad it got canceled… glad you liked the moment where Faye kissed Andy. Oooh, they might fall in love very soon!

Katie: Yep, it was! And uh-huh, horse rustling is horse stealing! And Jet and friends were locked into a bathroom with just a toilet. Very small.

Gucci Kissa: Hiya! Nice to see you review this! BTW, were you convinced of Sammy and Ami's love by the final chapter? Anyway, nope, Kikome isn't like Julia. She's kinda a female version of Andy. Hee hee!

NessacusGirl: *hugs and kisses* I'm so happy you got the 100th review! I was hoping you'd get it! And the pirates will return in this chapter… as crossdressers! Bwahaha! ^_^

Trunkz: Meh, something my sister used to say that I hated. So now I made it something Andy says that Faye hates! 

---

Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop or any of the characters. I also don't own Survivor or the concept of voting people out. I wish I could vote fanfics out of this website. But not any of yours, of course! 

Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now.

---

At a small bar on Mars, Andy was crying into his soda pop.

"I lost my horse," Andy sobbed. "I can't believe it."

"You gonna drink that there, buddy?" the bartender asked. "I just saw some snot dribble into it…"

"Really?" Andy said. He looked down into his soda. "Ewww…"

"I told you," the bartender said. Faye walked up and sat down next to Andy.

  
"Aw, Andy, are you sad?" Faye asked tenderly. Andy nodded his head.

"My horse is gone," Andy cried.

"Well, I'm mad. My sexy wardrobe is gone," Faye said. "And I'm going to get it back."

Sitting in the seats next to Faye were Jet, Applederry, and Edward.

"Uh, kids aren't allowed in here," the bartender said, pointing at Edward. Edward jumped onto the bar and pinched the bartender's cheeks.

"Edward is no kid, no no no! Ed is 21 and a half years old!" Edward said. Applederry laughed.

"That's my boy!" Applederry guffawed.

"She's a girl," Jet said. Suddenly, Faye stood up. She had a look of intense rage on her face.

"I can't believe you guys!" Faye yelled. She pointed at Jet. "You come back, and my wardrobe gets stolen by space pirates!"

Faye pointed at Applederry.

  
"You're a drunk, perverted idiot that doesn't even know the sex of your own kid!" Faye shouted. Applederry stood up.

"Hey, my boy has never had sex in his life, and I know that for a fact!" Applederry shouted. Faye turned to Andy.

"I believe the correct term is gender," Edward said. "Gender fender bender!"

  
Ignoring Edward, Faye pointed her finger right in the face of the still-crying Andy.

"And you're crying over a stupid horse! I lost my whole wardrobe!" Faye shrieked.

"That's nothing," Andy said, sniffling.

"That does it. If you guys aren't going to go after the space pirates, I'm going after them! Alone! So there!" Faye shouted, walking out of the bar angrily.

"Andy, she's going to get kidnapped," Jet said. "And then you'll have to save her."

"I can't save anyone without my horse," Andy said. "If she gets kidnapped or something, she's screwed."

"Andy cussed!" Edward gasped.

---

****

Session 40- Hell Hath No Fury Like Faye-Faye

---

Outside the restaurant, a very angry Faye stormed through the streets of the town, mumbling angrily. Just then, a man came up behind her and tried to put his hand over her mouth. Without looking, Faye grabbed the man's wrist and crushed it in her fingers, then pushed the man away and continued stomping off, angrily. Another man got to the side of Faye and tried to grab her from the side. Again without looking, Faye kicked the man hard in the crotch. The man doubled over. Faye continued to stomp off until she got to the Redtail. She climbed inside and closed the top of the ship. A man behind her put a gun to her head.

"This is a shipjacking!" the man yelled. "Don't try anything-"

Faye angrily grabbed the man and opened up the ship. She dragged the man over to a parked car, then slammed his head into one of the side windows. The man slumped against the side of the car. Faye got back into the Redtail and flew off, still mumbling angrily. The owner of the car that Faye had slammed the would-be Redtailjacker into walked up to his car.

"Hey, my window's broken!" the man yelled. He looked down at the unconscious criminal. "I thought the Triple H/Shawn Michaels feud was over."

---

Back aboard the Bebop…

"No word from anyone about Faye-Faye yet," Andy said. "You guys think she can go off somewhere alone without getting into trouble?"  


"No way," Jet said. "Pretty soon, we'll get some sort of a phone call or something demanding money."

"Faye-Faye's tough!" Edward said. "She can protect herself, Ed knows it!"

"She looked awfully mad when she left," Applederry said. 

"I noticed that," Andy said. "Hey, my horse got stolen, and I didn't go yelling at people!"

"You're yelling now," Jet said.

  
"You're right," Andy replied. "I need to just calm down. Take a chill pill."

"The chill pills are gone," Edward said. "Father-person took them all!"  


"I might as well face it," Applederry said. "I'm addicted to depressant drugs."

"No you aren't," Andy said. 

"Shut up," Applederry said.

---

Meanwhile, aboard the S.S. Arrgh, out in space, Captain Hookbeard and his 5-man crew were celebrating their latest haul by playing a game of dress-up with Faye's sexy wardrobe.

"These clothes are nice, cap'n!" said a fat pirate, wearing one of Faye's nightgowns. The seams had begun to rip because the gown was obviously way too small for the obese pirate wearing it.

"All this booty really accentuates me booty!" Hookbeard said, wearing a shimmering blue party dress of Faye's. "Good work, boys!"  


The six evil pirates began to sing.

__

We be pirates and we ain't dumb

Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum

We be pirates and we ain't small

Yo ho ho and a C-cup bra

Women's clothes are nice and comfy

That's why we wear 'em

Maybe we shouldn't let Fatty put 'em on

Because he always tears 'em!

"Hey!" the fat pirate yelled, standing on top of a torn nightgown.

__

We be pirates, yes we be

We rule over the seven galaxies

We be pirates and we ain't small

Yo ho ho and a C-cup bra

Yo ho ho and a C-cup bra!

The pirates laughed evilly.

---

****

BIGGERSHOT- The NEW Show For Bounty Hunters

The NEW Paunch: Ahoy, mateys!

Crazy Judy: Paunch, why are you talking like a pirate?  


The NEW Paunch: It's the NEW Paunch to you, Judy! And I be talkin' like a pirate because today, we're going after a ruthless group of space pirates with a big bounty on their heads! 

Crazy Judy: Pirates? Scary!

  
The NEW Paunch: These guys are dangerous! Captain Hookbeard himself has a 10 million wulong bounty on his head, and his crewmembers have bounties of 1 million each, with a 3 million bonus for bringing in all six!

  
Crazy Judy: That's 18 million wulongs!

The NEW Paunch: Good luck, mateys!

  
Crazy Judy: Arrrgh! *tackles the NEW Paunch*

"Good thing I just got a TV in here," Faye said, watching the TV that was now built into the Redtail's equipment panel. "That 18 million dollar reward kind of cheers me up… but not much. I'm still mad!"

The Redtail continued to cruise out into space, toward Hookbeard's vessel.

---

Back aboard the Bebop…

"I have an idea," Applederry said. Andy, Jet, Ed, and Applederry were sitting around the Bebop's card table.

"What's that?" Andy asked.

"We kick Jet off the ship," Applederry said.

  
"What?" Jet yelled. "Why I oughta-"  
  
Edward stepped inbetween Jet and Applederry.

"Now now, no need to fight each other!" Edward said. "Wait until Faye-Faye comes back!"

"I have an idea," Applederry said. "Let's play Survivor. We each get to vote someone off the ship. Whoever gets the most votes has to leave forever."

"That's ridiculous," Andy said. "Anyone's welcome on the Bebop!"

"But not Applederry!" Jet yelled. "Let's do it!"

"Alright!" Applederry said.

"Oh no, no!" Andy yelled. "I'm the leader of Bebop, and I won't allow it!"

  
"Actually, I own the Bebop," Jet said. "It's my ship and my rules. We're voting!" 

"It's gonna be funny when you still own this ship but you're not allowed on it," Applederry said. "Let's vote!"

---

Back out in space…

"I'm getting nowhere fast," Faye said to herself. "Now I'm even more mad! Argh!"  


The Redtail zoomed through space at an incredible rate of speed. Finally, Faye spotted something.

"That's Hookbeard's ship alright," Faye said. "Or at least, I think so. It's a ship. Out of all the ships in the universe, it's Hookbeard's. Well, it could be someone else's. Or- aw, what the hey, I'm gonna crash into it. I'm mad!"

---

Meanwhile, in the main hall of Hookbeard's ship…

"Well, men, do ya all have yer new garments on?" Hookbeard asked, still wearing Faye's sexy red dress.

"Aye aye, cap'n!" the other five pirates yelled. Four of them were wearing Faye's clothes. The fat pirate was standing on top of a large pile of ripped dresses, gowns, and bras.

"Well, you're fat, you can't help it," Hookbeard said. "Have ye tried goin' on the Jared diet?"

Suddenly, a large crashing noise was heard. Sirens began blaring aboard the ship.

"Somebody's crashed into the poop deck!" Hookbeard yelled.

"That's where are the toilets are!" another pirate shouted. "How are we gonna use the bathroom now?"

"Let's get the mangy scalawag that destroyed our bathroom!" Hookbeard yelled. "Come on!"

The six pirates rushed toward the poop deck.

---

  
Faye climbed out of the Redtail into a room filled with toilets.

"It stinks in here," Faye said, holding her nose. "Now I'm even MORE angry!"

Faye stomped out of the poop deck and into one of the halls of the ship. She stomped down the hall, tearing portraits off the walls and smashing any vases she could find. She turned a corner… and was immediately confronted by Hookbeard and his crew.

"Yarr, it's the intruder!" Hookbeard shouted.

"You took my wardrobe!" Faye yelled. The five crewmembers lunged at Faye. Faye tried to take them all on, but they immediately tackled her and knocked her out. Hookbeard laughed evilly.

"Yo ho ho!" Hookbeard cackled. "Make her walk the plank!"

---

Meanwhile, aboard the Bebop…

"I voted for this person because I had no choice," Andy said, holding up a piece of paper to a confession booth. "I'm sorry, but you've gotta go…"

Andy walked back to the couch. Edward crossed her arms angrily.

"Edward refuses to vote!" Edward said angrily. "No one is leaving Bebop-bop!"

Jet walked up to the confessional, wrote down his vote, and held it to the camera. The piece of paper read "APPLEDERRY" in big, bold letters.

"He thinks he's tougher than me," Jet said. "He thinks he owns this ship! I own this ship! I'm Vince McMahon, dangit! I mean, uh… I'm Jet." 

Jet walked back to the couch. Applederry ran up to the confessional and jotted down his vote. He held it to the camera. It read "BIG FAT UGLY SMELLY JERK, WHO I HATE. AND HE SUCKS. HE SUCKS!!!" in big, bold letters.

"He's a jerk. I hate him," Applederry said. He started to walk back to the couch, but turned around and faced the camera once more. "AND HE SUCKS!!!"

---

Faye stood on the edge of a large wooden plank suspended above a huge swimming pool on Hookbeard's ship. Her hands were tied behind her back.

"Why are you making me stand on a diving board?" Faye asked.

"Arrr, it's a plank!" Hookbeard yelled. "Now walk it!"

"I'm already on the edge," Faye said.

"Walk it!" Hookbeard commanded.

"Okay," Faye said. Suddenly, she turned around. "Wait. I'm mad. I'm really mad!"

Faye broke free from her bonds and jumped off the other side of the diving board, making a clean landing in front of Hookbeard's five soldiers. Faye immediately took out her gun and shot all five dead.

"Yaaaargh!" Hookbeard shouted in terror. 

"You stole my clothes!" Faye shrieked, pointing the gun at Hookbeard. "I'm mad!"  


"If you want them back, they're yours!" Hookbeard yelled, taking off the dress he was wearing and setting it down at Faye's feet. "There!"

  
"Well…" Faye said, contemplating Hookbeard's fate. Suddenly, her eyes traveled over to the large pile of ripped clothes that the fat pirate had ruined. "MY CLOTHES! HALF OF THEM ARE DESTROYED!"

"Er, those," Hookbeard said. "Well, ya see…"

"Now I'm mad! You're dead!" Faye yelled. Hookbeard fell to his knees and began kissing Faye's feet.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Just don't shooooot!" Hookbeard pleaded.

"I'm mad!" Faye yelled.

"Please?" Hookbeard begged. 

"There's a 10 million wulong bounty on your head," Faye said. "Shooting your men cost me 8 million. I won't make the same mistake with you."

  
Faye put her gun away and took out a pair of handcuffs, which she used to secure Hookbeard.

"I'm mad, but money makes me glad!" Faye said. "And you're worth a whole bunch!"  


---

"Remember, once the voted are tallied, the decision is final, and the person voted out will be asked to get the F out of the Bebop," Andy said, holding a large bucket of votes. "I'll tally the votes."

  
Andy pulled a piece of paper from the box.

"First vote… Applederry," Andy said.

"Yes, yes!" Jet cheered.

"Next vote… Jet," Andy said.

"Ha ha!" Applederry laughed. Andy pulled the final piece of paper from the bucket.

"And the final vote, and the first person voted off the Bebop is…."

Andy held up the vote. It read "BIG FAT UGLY SMELLY JERK, WHO I HATE. AND HE SUCKS. HE SUCKS!!!" in big, bold letters. 

"Anyone know who this vote means?" Andy asked.

"It means Jet!" Applederry yelled.

"Andy, you screwed me!" Jet shouted, standing up. "One of those votes came from you! Jerk!"  


"So it _was _Jet," Andy said. "Sorry pal, but I've known Applederry longer… the tribe has spoken."  


"Whatever," Jet yelled. "You guys suck anyway."

  
Jet walked up to Edward.

"Except for you, of course!" Jet said, patting Edward on the head. "I'll miss you!"  


"I'll miss you too, Jet-person!" Edward said. "Bye bye…"

Jet walked to the airlock and got in his Hammerhead. Then, he left the Bebop. Just then, Faye walked in, wearing a stunning blue bikini.

"Wow, Faye, you look nice!" Andy said.

  
"Thank you, Andy," Faye said, smiling at him. She turned to Edward and Applederry. "How are you guys doing?"

"Is Faye-Faye mad?" Edward asked.

"No, she's not," Faye said. "Faye-Faye used the money she got from turning Hookbeard in to buy a brand new wardrobe!"

Faye took Edward's hand.

"Want to go get ice cream?" Faye asked.

"Ooh, ooh, ice cream with Faye-Faye!" Edward said excitedly. "You scream, I scream, we all scream for ICE CREAM!"

  
Faye and Edward skipped off happily.

"She's not mad anymore," Applederry said.

"And she likes Edward more than me," Andy said. "It figures. I want my horse back!"

__

See you, space cowboy…

---

Andy: Next episode of Bebop, I get back to my cowboy roots when we visit the Oniyate family ranch on Mars' moon Deimos!

Faye: I thought your family was dead.

Andy: Well, yeah. I visit it because a band of cattle rustlers plan to steal all the cattle!

Applederry: Is Kikome one of them?  
  
Andy: She's a horse rustler, Applederry. But she might be there! Also, an evil Wild West-style villain is terrorizing the residents of the nearby town! Including a beautiful young piano-playing starlet that yours truly has to rescue. Because I'm a cowboy, baby!

Edward: With a tall black hat and the sunshine shining! Yay!

Faye: I'm more beautiful.

  
Andy: Well of course you are, little lady! Next time on Bebop… "Space Kid's Rock"! Guest starring Kid Rock IV!

Faye: Kid Rock? KID ROCK? 

  
Edward: Yay!


	15. Space Kid's Rock

A few reviews!

The Review Guy: Welp, those aren't the real words. I kinda made it up. But it is better than the real version!

NessacusGirl: Faye seems to defend herself better when she's mad. Maybe that's a good thing! I don't think Faye-Faye will get jealous yet!

IluvRikku12: Nah, Sheryl's not gonna be there… pretty song though!

Katie: Icky, Snot Soda! Andy didn't have any problems with drinking it though! I don't really like Vanilla Coke that much…. Oh wow, they kinda do resemble them don't they?

Gucci Kissa: Well, the Spike/Faye facefaulting thing was kinda alluding to the love that everyone thinks they have, while Andy and Faye don't really have those kinda feelings at all yet. Kinda hard to explain. I might have them facefault later though!

JasperRed99: So you got the Triple H/Shawn Michaels one? Faye slammed the poor carjacker's head into a window just like poor HBK got slammed… owie! Ryoko's a good space pirate, not a bad one. I'd like to see Faye and Ryoko wrestle though! ^_^ Maybe a lingerie paddle on a pole mud match? That would be fun! The males would be the real winners, of course.

Woodstock: Jared will always be around! He's an immortal pop culture icon. I think I'm gonna put him into one of the episodes. ^_^ 

Lem: Jet on Joe Millionaire? Hmm, he really doesn't look like a millionaire. He would need more hair. ^_^

---

Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop or any of the characters. I also don't own Kid Rock or any of his songs. Geez, that dude can sing anything… 

Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now.

---

In the Bebop's cockpit, Andy was piloting the ship toward Mars' tiny moon Deimos. The moon was covered with deserts and cacti.

"And there it is," Andy said. "The moon Deimos, owned entirely by the Oniyate family. Since they're all dead, it's owned by me!"

"Wow, Andy owns his own moony moon!" Edward said. "That's cool!"  


"Here's what I say to your moon," Applederry said, dropping his pants and exposing his rear end toward Deimos. "Ha!"

Applederry pulled up his pants. Edward giggled.

"That's not funny!" Andy yelled.

"Yeah," Faye said. "Forcing everyone on that poor satellite to look at your darriere."

"We're landing now," Andy said. "Deimos' gravity used to be almost nonexistant, but the addition of a huge gravity well in the planet's core makes the gravity equal to that of Earth's. Isn't that cool?"  
  
"Not really," Faye said. 

  
"Oh well," Andy said. "Okay home, I'm coming back!"

The Bebop hovered over Deimos and landed safely.

---

****

Session 41: Space Kid's Rock

---

Andy and the others stepped out of the Bebop and onto a large hill. They climbed to the top and looked out to see a huge mansion next to a large fenced-in area.

"That mansion is mine! It's Oniyate Mansion!" Andy said.

"Whoop-de-doo," Faye said. Andy pointed at the fenced-in area.

  
"And those are the Oniyate cattle!" Andy announced. 

"The moo-moos are all gone," Edward said. Andy gasped.

"The cattle! Oh no!" Andy yelled. Andy, Faye, Ed, and Applederry ran down to the fence. It appeared to be broken on one side.

"Did they get away?" Applederry asked.

"They were stolen," said a voice behind Andy and the others. They turned around to see a long-haired man in a cowboy hat, smoking a cigarette.

"Who are you?" Andy asked.

"My name is Kid Rock IV, and I saw the whole thing," Kid Rock IV said. "Some dudes in black hats came, broke the fence, and stole your cows. I could have stopped them. Wanna know why? Because I'm a cowboy, baby!"  


"If you could have stopped them, why didn't you?" Faye asked.

"Shut up!" Kid Rock IV yelled. "I'm not a cowboy."

"But you said you were," Andy said.

"No I didn't," Kid Rock IV said. "Look, the rustlers ran to the nearby town."

"Oniyate Town!" Andy said. "Of course! They're the ones that take care of the cows. Maybe someone there can help me!"

  
"He even has a town named after him," Applederry said. "Spike never had a town named after him."

"Spike!" Faye cried, breaking into sobs.

---

Meanwhile, in a tall building overlooking Oniyate Town, an evil man was plotting. The man had long black hair and an evil-looking handlebar mustache. 

"Did the cattle rustlers steal the Oniyate cattle herd yet?" the evil man asked. 

"Yes sir, Mr. Mayor sir," said the evil man's assistant, a small fat old man.

"Good," Mr. Mayor said. "Very good! Bwahaha!"

---

Andy, Faye, Ed, and Applederry walked into Oniyate Town. Oniyate Town was a small Western-style town, complete with a saloon and a huge water tower. Upon arrival, Faye eagerly ran into the saloon.

"And she's gone," Andy said. 

"Can we see Faye-Faye, father-person?" Edward asked.

"No, kids should not be in saloons," Applederry said. "Let's go to the Kiddie Corral!"

"Edward doesn't want to go to the Kiddie Corral!" Edward protested. "Ed wants to see Faye-Faye!"  


Applederry picked up Edward and lifted her onto his shoulder.

"We're going to the Kiddie Corral," Applederry said. "You find those cattle, okay?"

Applederry laughed and walked off to the Kiddie Corral, carrying Edward with him.

"Well, time to find those cow rustlers," Andy said. "You know, Kikome was a horse rustler. Maybe if I find the cow rustlers I can find Kikome and I can find Onyx! But probably not."

  
Andy walked into the saloon.

---

Inside the saloon, there was a bar along with several tables and several slot machines set up. Faye was at one of the slot machines, losing money fast.

"Andy, I need some lucky charms!" Faye yelled. "Hurry!"

"Aye, ye can't have me Lucky Charms," Andy said. "Ye are always after me Lucky Charms!"

  
"Stop that," Faye said.

In the corner of the saloon, a fast-paced piano song was being played by a beautiful young woman sitting on a stool in front of the piano. She had long, flowing brown hair and beautiful blue eyes. She wore a pretty blue dress and wore a red scarf around her neck. She saw Andy and smiled.

"You're Andy Oniyate, aren't you?" the woman asked. "I've heard so much about you! You own this town!"  


The bartender stood up.

  
"Andy Oniyate? As in the Oniyate Ranch Andy Oniyate?" the bartender asked.

"Uh oh, here we go…" Faye sighed.

Everyone in the bar began to cheer for Andy.

"Now now, no cheers, I just came to find some cattle that were stolen," Andy said. Everyone in the restaurant gasped.

"Your cattle were stolen?" the bartender asked. "We are on the case! Alright everyone, let's get Andy's cattle back!"

"Yeah!" the bar patrons (except for Faye, of course) cheered.

  
"That's fine, that's fine, I'll do it," Andy said. "You people can go back to your drinking and cheating at cards. I'm going to catch those cattle thieves! I'm Cowboy Andy!"

Andy pulled up a chair and sat down next to the piano-playing woman.

"Well, hello there, little lady. What's your name?" Andy asked.

"My name's Catherine!" the woman said. "I've heard about your famous family!"

  
"Yes, and it's awfully sad. They died in that freak elephant accident a year ago… but now I own this place, so that's pretty good, I guess," Andy said sadly.

"Too bad about your cattle," Catherine said. She put her face up to Andy's ear and whispered to him. "I think it might be the work of Mr. Mayor."

"Mr. Mayor?" Andy shouted.

"Shhh!" Catherine hissed. "We're not allowed to talk bad about Mr. Mayor."

  
"Wha?" Andy whispered. "Did this guy do something?"

"When your family died, he took over the town," Catherine whispered.

"But everyone seems so happy. And they're all so happy to see me!" Andy said.

"It's all a trap," Catherine whispered. "I heard. Mr. Mayor sent his men to steal your cattle and get you to this town. He's going to kill you, Cowboy Andy!"  


"How'd you find this out?" Andy asked.

  
"I'm Mr. Mayor's… um…." 

Catherine's face turned red.

  
"Yes?" Andy asked. "Mr. Mayor's what?"

"Not again!" Faye yelled. Andy turned around to see Faye sitting at a poker table.

"Uh oh," Andy said. "Hold on a second, will you, Catherine?"  


Catherine nodded. Andy walked over to the poker table.

"Faye, are you gambling away your money again?" Andy asked.

"Shut up," Faye said. She picked up two cards. "Hmmm…"

Faye placed 20,000 wulongs on the table.

"I'll raise you," Faye said, a smile on her face. "Ha! Ha ha!"  


"Hoo boy," Andy said.

  
"I'll raise you 30,000," said one of the other players. He put out his chips.

"I'll see that," Faye said. She put down her cards. "Four sevens! Read them and weep!"  


"Boo hoo," the other player said. "Four nines. Can you dig that, suckaaaaa?"

"No!" Faye shouted.

"I'll leave you two alone," Andy said, walking back over to Catherine. "Now, what are you again? You and the mayor?"

"Nothing," Catherine said. "Good luck, okay?"  


"Er, I guess," Andy said. "You know, since my female companion is currently busy at the moment… want to come with me?"

"I don't know," Catherine said. "Mr. Mayor might get mad…"

"I'm going to fight Mr. Mayor and I'm going to win!" Andy declared. "Because I'm Cowboy Andy!"

The bartender picked up a phone.

  
"Mr. Mayor," the bartender said. "We got trouble."

---

Meanwhile, at the Kiddie Corral, which was actually a small Chuck E. Cheese-like pizza restaurant….

"Dad, this place is fun!" Edward said, jumping into a large pit of multi-colored balls.

"I told you," Applederry said. He sighed. "Fun for you. This place is boring."  


Suddenly, a man in a gray mouse costume stepped onto the stage.

"Hello! I'm Kidd E. Corral, and I'm going to sing for you!" the mouse said. "Oh… I'm a mouse! Pizza rules! Pizza rules! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!"  


"That does it," Applederry said. "I'm going to go kick Kidd E. Corral's butt."

Applederry got out of his seat and walked toward the stage.

"Father-person, what are you doing?" Edward asked.

"I'm going to… uh… the bathroom," Applederry said. "To poop."

"Have fun!" Edward said. 

Applederry turned back toward the stage. Kidd E. had disappeared.

"Wha?" Applederry said. He looked around until he saw a door marked 'Employees Only'. "Bingo!"  


Applederry walked to the door and went inside.

---

Meanwhile, Andy and Catherine were walking toward the mayor's house.

"I don't think this is such a good idea," Catherine said. "If the mayor sees us-"

"He wouldn't kill me," Andy said. "I'm Cowboy Andy! Just relax. So Catherine, tell me… how did you get to be so good on the piano?"

  
"I've been playing since I was a little girl," Catherine said. "Your mother taught me how to play! When she was still alive, of course. She was the best piano player ever."  


"She was!" Andy said. "Wait, I think I remember you. You were that little girl that always came by my house to play the piano! You were great!"  


"And you were that little boy who ran around the house shooting things," Catherine said. "I remember that one time when you were running around the house, and one of your little caps from your guns hit me in the eye! And your mom starting yelling at you, and I told her not to yell at you, and then I was crying and you were crying and-"

"We kissed," Andy said. "I remember that kiss. It was my first kiss!"

"Oh, Andy…" Catherine sighed. She walked up to Andy.

"Hey yo, how you guys doin'?" Kid Rock IV yelled. He walked up to Andy and Catherine. "'Sup? I'm still trying to be a cowboy. Actually, I am!"

"Go away, Kid Rock," Andy said.

"Yo, you disrespectin' me!" Kid Rock IV said. "I'm gonna waste you, beeyotch!"  


"Andy, let's go," Catherine said. "This guy's disturbing me…."  
  
Andy and Catherine ignored Kid Rock IV and walked into the mayor's house.

"Ignore me?" Kid Rock IV said. "Oh yeah?"

Kid Rock IV took a bottle of 150-proof whiskey out of his pocket and chugged it down. He then passed out.

---

Inside the mayor's house…

"We're here to see the mayor," Andy said to the mayor's fat henchman.

"Well, well, well, it's you," the henchman said. "And Mr. Mayor's concubine!"  


"Concubine?" Andy asked. "What's a concubine?"

  
"Um…" Catherine said, slightly embarrassed. "You see…"

"It means she has sex with him all the time!" the henchman said.

"What?" Andy yelled, shocked. "Catherine?"

"Actually, she's sort of a concubine in training. They haven't made whoopie yet. But today's the day!" the henchman said. He turned to Andy. "Wanna watch?"

"I'd never let that filthy cowboy watch anything I do," yelled an evil sounding voice from above Andy and Catherine. They looked up to see Mr. Mayor standing on a balcony above them. Mr. Mayor jumped down and laughed.

"Are you the evil mayor of this town?" Andy asked.

"Oh yeah!" Mr. Mayor said. He took out a tape recorder and pressed the play button.

"Oh yeeeeah…." the tape recorder said. "Oh yeeeeeeah. Oh yeeeeeah."

"I can't believe that's actually a song," Andy said. "It's just a guy going 'oh yeeeeah'. And some drum beats. I can sing real music!"

"Well, don't," Mr. Mayor said. He turned to Catherine. "Hello there. Remember me?"  
  
"Yes, I do…" Catherine said. "Give Andy his cows back!"  


"Bwahaha!" Mr. Mayor laughed. "I'll give him his cows back! Wait, no I won't."

Suddenly, ten vicious looking men surrounded Andy and Catherine.

  
"Meet my cattle rustlers!" Mr. Mayor said. 

"Darn, Kikome's not here," Andy muttered to himself.

  
"Now, capture them!" Mr. Mayor shouted. The ten men ran at Andy and Catherine. Andy quickly leaped out of the way, leaving Catherine by herself to fight off the ten men.

  
"Crap!" Andy shouted. "I forgot that I was with someone else!"  


The ten cattle rustlers grabbed Catherine and ran off.

"You may have escaped this time, but-" Mr. Mayor began.

"I'm right here," Andy said. "So-"

  
"Shut up. Come to the railroad tracks if you ever want to see Catherine again! Bwahaha!" Mr. Mayor said victoriously. He walked off. Mr. Mayor's fat henchman turned around to face Andy.

"You're going to kill me, aren't you?" the henchman asked.

"If I was Spike, I would," Andy said. "If I was Faye, I would. If I was Jet, I would." 

"Are you any of those guys?" the henchman asked.

"Nope," Andy said. "But I have to knock you out."

Andy karate chopped the henchman, knocking him out.

"Now to rescue the little lady!" Andy declared. "Catherine, here I come!"  


Andy ran off.

---

Meanwhile, in the 'Employees Only' area of the Kiddie Corral…

"Here, rat rat rat," Applederry said. "Come on, you rat!"  


Kidd E. Corral stepped out of a huge rathole in front of Applederry.

  
"Hello! You're not supposed to be here! Why are you here? Have some pizza!" Kidd E. said cheerfully.

  
"You're dead, rat. You've been annoying the heck out of me and now you're going to pay," Applederry said. "Pheer my mad skillz!"

Applederry leaped up and kicked at Kidd E.'s head. Kidd E. dodged the kick.

"Oh yeah?" Kidd E. said. "You tried to attack me, and now I'm calling security! Pheer my walkie-talkie!"  


Kidd E. took out a walkie-talkie.

"Hello? Security?" Kidd E. said into the walkie-talkie. "There's a crazy guy here!"  


"You suck," Applederry said. He punched Kidd E. hard in the back of the head. Kidd E. fell to the floor, knocked out. "Oh yeah! Hey, I wonder who he is?"  


Applederry reached down and took off Kidd E.'s mask. He gasped.

"Faye?" Applederry said, staring at the back of the purple-haired woman's head. "Uh oh…"  


"Unnh…" Faye said, rubbing her head. She stood up and turned around. "Idiot! It was me! Couldn't you tell?"  


"You were using a crazy cartoon voice," Applederry said. "I had no idea!"  


"Well, I AM played by Wendee Lee, after all," Faye said. "When I lost the poker game, they made me work here!"  


"Why'd you call security?" Applederry asked.

"I don't know," Faye said. "Let's get out of here!"  
  
Faye took off the rest of the costume and ran out of the room with Applederry. Edward gasped.

"Faye-Faye!" Edward said. "You came!"

"Your dad knocked me out," Faye said.

"I'm sorry!" Applederry yelled. "Right now we have to go!"  


Applederry, Edward, and Faye ran out of the restaurant.

  
"By the way, I didn't really call security," Faye said. "That walkie-talkie was out of batteries! Ha!"

"So?" Applederry said. "I don't think anyone cares."  
  
"You cared," Faye said.

---

Meanwhile, at the railroad tracks…

"Bwahaha!" Mr. Mayor laughed. Catherine was tied to the railroad tracks.

"You won't get away with this!" Catherine yelled.

"I'm gonna waste you, Mayor Beeyotch!" Kid Rock IV yelled. He rode up to the railroad tracks in a decked out Escalade.

"It's Kid Rock!" Mr. Mayor shouted. Kid Rock IV hopped out of the car.

"I'm a cowboy, baby!" Kid Rock IV shouted. "Oh wait, no I'm not. I'm just drunk!"

Suddenly, Mr. Mayor's ten cattle rustlers jumped on top of Kid Rock IV and beat him silly.

"Bwahaha!" Mr. Mayor laughed. "No one can stop me!"  


Just then, the sound of a moped revving up could be heard. Mr. Mayor and Catherine looked up to see Andy, riding a moped across the desert.

__

Cowboy walkin'

You've done it now

You've gone and made a big mistake

You stole my cows

And kidnapped my first girlfriend oh yeah

So turn around

And face the piper you're gonna pay

The end is now

Because you pissed off Cowboy Andy

You're gonna pay 

You're gonna pay

"Why did you steal Undertaker's theme song?" Mr. Mayor asked.

"Without my horse, I can't use my theme song! I've got an image change!" Andy said. He hopped off the moped. Immediately, Mr. Mayor's rustlers got off of Kid Rock IV and ran at Cowboy Andy.

"Watch out!" Catherine yelled.

"I've got it covered!" Andy said. "Take this!"  


Andy leaped up at one of the rustlers and knocked him out with a kick to the head. The other nine rustlers dived at Andy.

Five minutes later…

"I beat your men!" Andy declared, standing in front of a pile of ten KOed ruffians. "Now I'm going to beat you!"

"Andy had mad skillz," Catherine said.

"Well, I have mad skillz too!" Mr. Mayor shouted. "When that train comes, Catherine will get squashed flat! Aw man, and I'll have to get a new concubine too. That sucks."

"That train hasn't come for two years," Andy said. "Without any Oniyates to fill it up with stuff, it has no reason to go!"

"Darn," Mr. Mayor said. "Well then, I'll…"

"You've got nothing," Andy said. 

Kid Rock IV stood up. 

"I'll waste you…" Kid Rock IV said drunkenly. He stood up and shot Mr. Mayor in the head, killing him.

  
"What was that for?" Andy asked. "I was going to let him go! Well, to jail at least."

"Shut up," Kid Rock IV said. "I'm a cowboy! I'm the American Badass!"

Kid Rock IV laughed and stumbled off. 

"I don't understand either," Catherine said.

---

Later, at a ceremony being held in the town square, Andy was honored for his heroism. 

"I'm telling you, Kid Rock IV killed the evil mayor!" Andy said.

  
"It's true," Catherine said.

"Now now, you're the hero! No need to be modest!" the bartender said. He put a 'Medal of Heroism' around Andy's neck. 

"But I'm not a hero!" Andy protested. "Well, actually, I am, but not here!"  


"You're a hero, yeah yeah, whatever," Faye said, grabbing Andy's arm. "I wanna go back to the Bebop. Ed and Applederry are waiting."

  
"Wait," Andy said. "Faye… I want to ask you if it's okay if Catherine joins Bebop."

"What?" Faye yelled. "No way."

"It's okay," Catherine said. "Since I'm your first girlfriend, they made me the new mayor! Isn't that great?"  


Faye slapped Andy.

"You didn't tell me you had a girlfriend!" Faye yelled. "Grrr…"

Faye grabbed Andy by the ear and dragged him to the Bebop.

"Call me!" Andy yelled. Catherine giggled.

"I will!" Catherine said.

"Wait a second," Andy said. "If you guys all were working for Mr. Mayor before, why did you give me a medal for killing him?"  


"He was oppressive," the bartender said.

"But you warned him about me!" Andy yelled. "Explain that!"

"C'mon, Andy," Faye said. She dragged Andy into the ship. The door closed, and the Bebop took off.

"Hey! Hey!" yelled a drunken voice running toward the town square. Kid Rock IV stood in the middle of the town and looked up. "Can I join Bebop? Please? I'm a cowboy! I swear!"  


__

See you, space cowboy…

---

Edward: Next episode of Bebop, we go to a nursing home to track down our oldest bountyhead ever!

Faye: That's right. He's so old he's got old man's disease!

  
Andy: You made that up.

Edward: While there, Edward Wong Hau Pepelu Tivuruski the 4th meets Edward Wong Hau Pepelu Tivuruski the 1st!

Applederry: An old Edward?

  
Edward: Yep!

  
Applederry: She's crazy!

Andy: It's the most fun we'll ever have at a nursing home!

Faye: Can I stay home?  
  
Edward: Next time on Bebop, "Degeneration Ed"! 

Applederry: Let's get ready for this episode to suck!

Faye: It was better than the episode where I was ticked off at everyone. I'm always happy! Grrr… 


	16. Degeneration Ed

A few reviews!

NessacusGirl: Yep, Andy and Faye-Faye will be together! I hope anyway! And Chuck E. Cheese is cool! I went to it when it was still called Showbiz! Remember that? Uh oh, concubines! ^_^

Blooknaberg: Heh, yep, jealous Faye! I hate when Misty does that. She should let Brock flirt with whoever he wants! Well, maybe.

The Review Guy: It was in Pokemon I think. Why didn't Misty drag Brock away from her sisters? He's not worthy of them! Bwahaha!

Trunkz: Yep, a first Ed! Degeneration Ed! Hee hee! Maybe the 4 Eds can form a group and beat people up.

Katie: Aw, too bad about that person… I wish I knew what happened, but maybe you're right, it shouldn't be posted here. Unless you want to. Hee, Faye's VA is very versatile! She was Patamon in Digimon! Or was that T.K.? Ah well. I forgot all those cartoons. Musta been at school while they were on!

Nowhere Man: Apple Deli? That sounds like a restaurant or something. Or an episode of Rocko's Modern Life! (The best episode ever, of anything.)

---

Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop or any of the characters. I also don't own uh… a nursing home. If I did Ed would visit all the time! Yay!

Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now.

---

****

BIGGERSHOT- The NEW Show For Bounty Hunters

The NEW Paunch: *walks up to Crazy Judy on crutches* Guess what?

Crazy Judy: You got hurt?  


The NEW Paunch: *slowly* I'm ooooold. Just like our newest bounty!

*The very wrinkled face of a very old man appears on the screen.*

The NEW Paunch: At 113 years of age, Bill Oldenstein is our oldest bounty ever!

Crazy Judy: Wow, he was born in 1958! During the baby boom!

The NEW Paunch: He's the last baby boomer still alive! And he's a bad guy! He's rumored to be the kingpin of a gang that goes around putting poison in elderly people's medicine bottles!

Crazy Judy: *gasps* That's terrible! *bites Paunch on the arm*  
  
The NEW Paunch: Why?  


*The TV flashes off.*

"He's got an 11 million wulong bounty, and we're going after him," Faye said.

"Who made you captain?" Applederry asked.

  
"I think we should go after this old guy too," Andy said. "Anyone that poisons the elderly is an evil, evil man!"

"Oldenstein is rumored to live in the Elderly Hills Nursing Home on Jupiter's moon Europa," Faye said. 

"Yay! Oldy moldy people!" Edward shouted. "Let's go!"

---

****

Session 42: Degeneration Ed

---

The Bebop parked outside the Elderly Hills Nursing Home. Andy, Faye, Applederry, and Edward stepped out.

"Ed, this is a nursing home full of elderly old senior citizens who don't want to be disturbed," Applederry said. "So-"

  
"Isn't running in there with your guns disturbing too?" Edward asked.

"We're not taking out our guns until we find Oldenstein," Andy said.

"Just behave yourself, okay?" Faye asked.

  
"Wait in the waiting room or something," Applederry said.

"Alright," Edward sighed. The crew of the Bebop walked into the nursing home. Edward sat down in a chair by the entrance while Andy, Faye, and Applederry walked up to the receptionist.

"We've already had twelve bounty hunters come in here today," the receptionist said. "You can't come in."

"We're not bounty hunters," Andy said. "We're, uh… hounty bunters."

"Oh, hounty bunters!" the receptionist said. "I'm very sorry. Go right on in."

"Thank you," Faye said. Andy, Faye, and Applederry walked past the receptionists and into one of the hallways of the nursing home, where the patients were resting. Meanwhile, Edward continued to sit on the chair, twiddling her thumbs.

"Edward is bored," Edward moaned.

---

Andy, Faye, and Applederry walked down the hallway. Andy turned toward one of the patient rooms and looked at the room number.

"Room 275," Andy read. "I bet he's in here."

"That's just a guess!" Faye yelled.

"I'm going in!" Andy declared. He opened the door. "Alright old lady poisoner, reach for the-"

"Wheel! Of! Fortune!" blared the TV in the room. Lying on the bed facing the TV was an aged old man with a perplexed look on his face.

"Get out!" the man yelled. "I'm watching the Wheel!"

"You're Bill Oldenstein, the man that's been poisoning all those old ladies!" Andy shouted.

"I'm Mark Maceniwitz!" the man shouted. "Oldenstein's in room 432. Now get out!"  


A 'Bankrupt' sound blared from the TV.

"Let's go, guys," Faye said. "You heard what he said. Room 432!"

Andy, Faye, and Applederry ran out of the room and dashed toward Room 432.

"Hey, close the door!" Maceniwitz yelled. "I can't hear the wheel! I can't hear anything… I'm old…"

---

Meanwhile, Edward continued to sit out in the lobby.

"Ed is so bored…" Edward sighed. "Edward doesn't want to sit out here not having fun!"

Edward looked around until she spotted a large room. The sign next to it read 'Games and Activities'.

"Games? And activities?" Edward said, a smile crossing her face. "Edward is there!"

Edward dashed inside the game room. Inside, several card tables were set up, as well as an area for shuffleboard.

"These games aren't fun," Edward said. She turned to walk back to the lobby.

"You got that right, young'un," said a voice behind Edward. Edward turned around to see an elderly woman with tanned skin and wild pink hair. She was wearing a raggedy-looking green dress. 

"Who are you-oo-oo?" Edward asked, turning her head.

"My name is Edward Wong Hau Pepelu Tivuruski," the woman said. "I made it for myself."

Edward gasped.

"That's Edward's name! You took it!" Edward yelled. "You stole Ed's name from Edward! Why did you do that?"  


"Wait a second, young lady," Edward I said. "What's your name?"

"Edward Wong Hau Pepelu Tivuruski the 4th!" Edward IV shouted. "You look like Ed and you stole Ed's name!"  


"Edward took this name for Ed's self," Edward I said. "Back in the year 2003. This name belongs to Edward!"

  
"That's right!" Edward IV shouted. "Me Edward!"

"You're Edward Wong Hau Pepelu Tivuruski the 4th," Edward I said. "And Edward is Edward Wong Hau Pepelu Tivuruski the 1st. So…"

"Why'd you pick the name Edward, like Edward did?" Edward IV asked, walking up to Edward I and looking at her in fascination.

"Thought it was cool, I guess," Edward I said. "And it is cool!"

"It IS cool!" Edward IV said. "Wanna be Edward's friend?"

"Sure!" Edward I said. "Let's get out of here, though. This room is no fun for Edward!"  


"And Edward!" Edward IV said. 

"Edward's room is 118," Edward I said. "Let's go!"

"Alright! Adventure!" Edward IV cheered.

---

Andy, Faye, and Applederry approached Room 432. They walked inside and pointed their guns at the bed.

"Alright, Oldenstein! You've poisoned old ladies for too long!" Andy yelled.

"Nobody's here," Faye said. "He saw us coming!"

"I thought when you got old, the sight was the first thing to go," Applederry said. "How could he… see us?"  


"It was a figure of speech," Faye said. "Idiot."  


"He KNEW we were coming," Applederry said. "Idiot. I meant Faye, not Andy."

"What?" Faye yelled.

"Guys, he left a glass of water on the table!" Andy said, picking it up. "Maybe we can track him with this!"

Andy lifted it up to his lips.

  
"Don't drink it!" Faye yelled. "It's probably poisoned!"

"Ah, he set a trap," Andy said, setting the water down. "Very resource-"

  
Suddenly, a net dropped from the ceiling and fell on Andy, trapping him. Faye and Applederry ran to his side.

"Help!" Andy yelled. "I fell into the _real _trap!"

"Well, get out of it, idiot!" Faye yelled. "It's just a net!"  


Two small balls attached to the net opened up, spraying knockout gas on Applederry and Faye. The two bounty hunters… er, "hounty bunters" fell limp to the ground, unconscious. Bill Oldenstein walked into the room, laughing.

"Bwahaha!" Oldenstein laughed. "Looks like they let a few bounty hunters in after all. And I caught three of them!"  


"We're hounty bunters," Andy said.

"Oh," Oldenstein said. "Well then, you can go. Wait, no you can't!"

"Well, I tried," Andy said to himself.

---

Meanwhile, in Room 118, Edward the 4th was marveling over Edward the 1st's wonderfully decorated room. The room was adorned with pictures of animals, and it had pink wallpaper on the walls.

"This room is super-duper pretty!" Edward IV said, amazed. "Edward loves it!"

"Edward thought Edward would like it!" Edward I said. 

  
"Edward really loves Edward's doggy pictures!" Edward IV said. "Edward has a doggy too! Ed wanted to bring it, but pets aren't allowed in nursing homes…"

"That's really mean of them," Edward I said. "Edward's old. If Ed wants a doggy in here, Ed can have a doggy!"

"Doggy woggy!" Edward IV shouted.

"Hey, does Edward want to go on an adventure with Edward?" Edward I asked. "There's this big meanie running around poisoning all of Edward's friends!"

"That Oldy-woldystein?" Edward IV asked. "Ed's friends are bounty hunters who came to find the old person! But they didn't let Edward help…"

"Maybe if Edward and Edward find Oldy-stein first, Edward's friends will respect Edward again!" Edward I shouted. "Let's go! First stop… the cafeteria!"

---

Meanwhile, down in the deepest, darkest recesses of the nursing home (i.e., the basement), Andy, Faye, and Applederry were trapped in a large metal cage.

"All three of us captured," Faye said. "Usually it's just me. And sometimes Andy."

"One time it was me!" Andy yelled.

"I've never been captured," Applederry said. "My perfect record, right down the freaking toilet!"

"This is just lovely," Oldenstein said, walking into the room. He carried a glass of water in his hand. "Know what I'm going to do?"

"I don't care," Faye said angrily. "We'll escape."

"Silence! I'm going to make you drink poison!" Oldenstein shouted. 

"The old man's going to make us drink poison," Applederry said. "And just how are your going to do that?"

Oldenstein took a sip out of the glass of water.

"This isn't the poison," Oldenstein said, indicating the glass. He climbed up onto the stairs leading out of the room, and turned to a large red button next to the door. "This is the poison. The room will fill slowly with it."

"That would drown us," Andy said. "You wouldn't need to put poison in there."

"Oh," Oldenstein said. "Well, I need something to do with the excess poison."

  
Oldenstein pressed the button.

"And now, I'm going to sit here and watch you die," Oldenstein said, sitting on the top stair as poisoned water began to drip into the room. "See, most people would just leave. But not me!"

"Wow, he's a smart one," Faye said as poisoned water began to flow around her feet. "Guys… WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE!"

---

Meanwhile, in the cafeteria…

"Weeee!" Edward IV shouted, sliding down the rack that was supposed to be used for sliding trays. "This is fun!"

Edward I ran into the room, jumping up and down. 

"Edward tossed pudding on the floor outside!" Edward I declared. "The cafeteria workers all left to clean it up! We can play!"

"Alright!" Edward IV yelled. "Let's play!"

The two Edwards grabbed food from the top of the cafeteria table and tossed it to each other like a father and son playing catch. Edward I tried to catch a large bowl of jello, but the frozen desert evaded her grip and plopped to the floor.

"Oops," Edward I said. "That's no good…"

Edward IV climbed behind the cafeteria table and looked around. She saw a large hatch on the wall, used for depositing dirty trays. She opened it up.

"Oooh, wonder where this goes?" Edward IV cooed in amazement.

"I wouldn't go in there," Edward I said. "It looks dangerous!"

But Edward IV climbed into the hatch anyway. The hatch snapped shut. Edward IV was no where to be found.

"Oh no!" Edward I shouted. "Edward is coming!"

Edward I ran over to the hatch and opened it up. She squeezed inside.

"Aaah! Plastic hip!" Edward I shouted, sliding down the hatch.

---

Meanwhile, the basement continued to flood with poisoned water. It was now up to the bounty hunter's waists.

"Andy, we're gonna die!" Faye shouted. "I just wanted to say one thing before I died…"  


"What's that, little lady?" Andy asked.

"Andy, you're a smelly jerk!" Faye yelled.

"That wasn't nice!" Andy whined.

"Stop fighting," Applederry said. "We have to find a way out of here!"

Suddenly, the door behind Oldenstein opened. Edward IV walked onto the top stair and looked around.

"Edward slid into the basement," Edward IV said. "Ooh la la…"

"Help us, Edward!" Faye shouted.

"The water's poisoned!" Applederry yelled.

"Really?" Edward IV asked.

"That's right!" Oldenstein said, pointing at Edward IV. "Now get in the cage!"

"You're a bad man!" Edward IV said. She began to dance. "Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na BAD MAN!"

The door opened again. Edward I limped into the room.

"Edward's plastic hip broke," Edward I moaned. "Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na PLASTIC HIP!"

"Aw, poor Edward Wong Hau Pepelu Tivuruski the 1st," Edward IV said. Andy, Faye, and Applederry gasped, taking in large breaths of water. They spat the water out and struggled to stay above the rising flood, floating at the top of the cage.

"Hurry!" Faye yelled. 

"Who's the old version of Edward?" Andy asked. "Oh, and hurry."

"Okay!" Edward IV said. She kicked Oldenstein into the water. "Edward helped!"

Oldenstein flopped around in the poisoned water.

"Help me!" Oldenstein shouted.

"You have to let Edward's friends go!" Edward IV said. 

"That's right!" Edward I said. "Let Ed's friends go!"  


"The button's right there," Oldenstein said, pointing to a green button under the red one. "Help me!"

  
Edward IV pressed the green button. The cage fell apart and the water in the room drained out.

"Yay!" Edward IV said happily. "Victory for Edwards!"

Edward IV did a dance of celebration, while Edward I did a limping dance of celebration.

"This is the most (censored) up thing I've ever seen," Faye grumbled.

"Oooh, potty-potty mouth!" Edward I and Edward IV shouted, pointing at Faye.

"Oooh, potty-potty mouth," Andy said.

"Shut up," Faye replied.

---

Outside the nursing home…

"Well, Oldenstein's been locked up in a nursing jail," Andy said. "Now he can never hurt anyone ever again!"  


"Who did he kill, anyway?" Faye asked.

"It turns out that the poison wasn't lethal," Applederry said. "Everyone who drank it should be fine in a few days."

"Edward used the bounty money to get Edward a new hip!" Edward IV shouted.

"That's right!" Edward I said, dancing a jig. "Edward's new hip is great!"

"I'd whine, but since the money went to a good cause, I guess that's alright," Faye said. "As long as I get to catch the next bounty!"

"Edward," Edward IV said, turning to Edward I. "Wanna join Bebop? You can be a real live bounty hunter!"

"Nah, Edward is going to stay at the nursing home," Edward I said. "Since Edward helped stop that Oldy-woldy guy, they're letting Edward direct all the fun fun activities! Now this nursing home will be fun!"

"Edward will come visit, okay?" Edward IV promised. "Bye bye, Miss Edward!"

Andy, Faye, Applederry and Ed boarded Bebop and waved goodbye to their new friend.

"Wait, we never really got to know this new Edward," Faye said. "What was she like?"

"Duh," Edward IV said. "She was like Edward!"

  
"Duh," Andy said. "She was like Edward!"

"Duh," Applederry said. "She was like Francoise!"

Edward IV frowned at Applederry.

"Er, I mean Edward," Applederry said.

__

See you, space cowboy…

---

Andy: Where did it begin?

Faye: And when does it end?  
  
Applederry: Next episode of Bebop, we answer questions.

  
Edward: Who is Edward's mommy?  
  
Andy: Why are Leroy and I rivals, anyway?

Faye: How was I stupid enough to get zapped into a coma by lightning?  


Applederry: Next episode, we go to Titan and find the answers to everything. I think. And I kick butt!

  
Andy: So do I. And we answer questions.

  
Faye: If you miss this episode, you'll be completely and hopelessly lost. So read it!

Edward: Next episode, "You've Got Questions, We've Got Bebop"!

Applederry: I'm completely and hopelessly lost.


	17. You've Got Questions, We've Got Bebop

A few reviews!

Nowhere Man: You say Appledelhi, I say Applederry. Wee! 

Retro: Yep, 2 Edwards! Maybe 4 if there's a II and III! And no, it won't be a question-answer thing! It's a story with answers worked in. You'll love it!

Lem: Maybe it makes him, uh… an old guy who's in prison! I dunno… staying to watch is sometimes bad if Ed shows up! Or 2 Eds!

The Review Guy: Yes, Ichiro all. And Sabrina! Ichiro and Sabrina! Superstarpsychicshipping forever!

Trunkz: Comedies usually have happy endings. It's a trademark… or something. I dunno!

Katie: Rocko's Modern Life, yay! Wacky Deli's the best episode of anything ever! And didja know David Lucas is also Steve Blum? He tries to hide it but he can't! Uh oh, now the union will be mad at him! They'll send Hoffa and the Teamsters! Aaaah! ^_^

---

Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop or any of the characters. If the answers to these questions are not to your liking, I can't be blamed, because, uh… I AM ABOVE THE LAW!

Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now.

---

The camera zoomed in on Andy's face. He appeared to be sitting down.

"Today, we're going to go on a journey. A journey of discovery. The satellite Titan has harbored many secrets. The war on Titan was one of them. Actually, that wasn't a secret. What I meant to say was that Titan has a lot of history behind it. That's what I meant. Today, we're going on a journey of discovery. Wait, I already said that. What I meant was-"  


A knocking on the door interrupted Andy.

"Get out of there!" Faye yelled. "There are other people who have to use the bathroom!"

"Why are you so mean?" Andy asked.

"Because I HAVE TO GO!" Faye shouted.

  
"There you go," Andy said. "One question answered."

---

****

Session 43: You've Got Questions, We've Got Bebop

---

The Bebop hovered over Saturn's moon Titan. Andy, Faye, Applederry, and Edward sat in the main foyer of the Bebop, admiring the view.

"What were you doing in the bathroom?" Faye asked. "And why are we going to Titan, anyway?"

"There are reports that Larry Brown may be on Titan," Andy said. "This could be my chance to capture him once and for all!"

"So Andy, why are you and Leroy Brown rivals anyway?" Faye asked. "You never told us that!"

  
"Well, you see-" Andy began.

"Titan, Titan, we're on Titan!" Edward shouted. "Landing, landing!"

"Woo hoo!" Applederry cheered. "Let's get out!"

Applederry and Edward ran off the ship. Andy began to walk toward the exit of the Bebop.

"Darn it, Andy! Tell me!" Faye yelled.

"First, you have to tell me the whole story about how you got put into cryogenic sleep," Andy said. "I want to hear."

"Too painful," Faye said.

"Oh, okay," Andy said. 

"No, I meant that it was too painful when the lightning hit," Faye said. "They had to freeze me. Here's the whole story!"

---

__

Flashback to 2018, on a golf course in Japan. Two announcers were sitting at a table.

"And we're here for the Nestle Crunch Fan vs. Tiger Golf Match," one of the announcers whispered. 

"It's been a surprising event!" the other announcer said quietly. "We're on hole 18, and the fan, Faye Valentine, is leading Tiger 66 to 67 going into the final hole!"

"She's had no previous golf experience except for being the captain on her high-school golf team," said the first announcer. "She's playing the game of her life against Tiger Woods! This must be like a dream come true!"

Tiger Woods stepped onto the green and putted his ball into the hole.

"Yes!" Tiger Woods yelled in jubilation.

Faye approached her ball nervously. She prepared to putt it into the hole.

"If Faye makes this putt, she beats Tiger Woods!" the announcer whispered. "This is HUGE."

Suddenly, it began to rain.

"Uh-oh," the announcer whispered. "But Faye wants to putt anyway!"  


Thunder sounded.

"Darn it," Faye muttered. "But I have to hit this-"

  
"KRACKOOOOOOOOM!!!"

---

"Actually, I think it was more of a 'BRRRZAAAAAPP!!!'," Faye said. "No, it was definitely a 'KRACKOOOOOOOOM!!!'"

"What happened after that?" Andy asked.

"I woke up in 2068. Duh," Faye said. "Idiot."

  
Faye walked off angrily.

"Don't you wanna hear about me and Leroy?" Andy yelled. No reply from Faye. "Wait, that's good. I don't have to tell anyone about MY past! Ha ha!"

---

Meanwhile, in a huge crater, Leroy Brown and three lackeys were planning an evil scheme.

"This is gonna be GREAT!" Leroy shouted. "Got the woman?"  


"Yep," said one of the lackeys. 

"Good," Leroy said. "We'll get revenge on Applederry… using his long lost wife! Dun dun duuuuuuuuun!"

Little did Leroy Brown know that Applederry and Edward were secretly watching from behind a rock.

"They've got mommy?" Edward asked. "Oh no!"

"That does it," Applederry said. "I am going down there!"

"Wait!" Edward yelled, holding Applederry back. "It could be a trap!"

"I don't believe it," Applederry muttered to himself. "Jeanine is back? I thought that…"

"Father-person, you never said what happened to mother-person!" Edward said. "What happened to her? Why has she been gone for 6 years of Edward's life? Ed remembers mother-person leaving after Ed's 7th birthday… nearly half of Edward's life Ed has been mommyless!"  


Applederry looked back into the crater. Leroy and the lackeys were gone.

"Oh crap," Applederry said. "They're gone!"  


"Where did mommy go?" Edward asked.

"Instead of boring you with a long flashback sequence, I'm going to tell you the truth, Edward. Are you sure you want to hear this?" Applederry asked. Edward nodded her head.

"Where is mommy?" Edward asked.

"Well, Ed, your mother is…." Applederry said, a sad look in his eyes. "Your mother is… heck if I know!"

"Huh?" Edward said, confused.

"I don't know either, son! But this Leroy obviously knows. He kidnapped her! Come on, son!" 

Applederry ran off.

"Father-person is as confused as Edward!" Edward said to herself. "And Edward is a GIRL!"  


Edward ran off after her father.

"Wait a second," Edward said to herself. "My mommy's name is Jeanine?"

---

Meanwhile, Faye had entered a small mining village on Titan. She found a bar and went inside.

"Maybe I'll find some answers for my questions here," Faye said to herself. "But what WERE those questions?"

"Maybe you'll find some answers for your questions here," the bartender said. "But only if you buy a drink."  


"I don't have any money," Faye said. "That Cowboy Andy is carrying my money! I'm gonna kill him!"

Just then, Andy walked into the bar.

"Hey Faye," Andy said, pulling out a 10,000-wulong bill. "You forgot your money."  


Faye's face grew red with anger. She stomped up to Andy and stared him straight in the eye.

"I believe I had more than 10,000 wulongs!" Faye shouted. "Gimme."

"Huh?" Andy stammered.

"Give me," Faye said. "Gimme gimme gimme!"  


"Give you gimme?" Andy asked. "So I can have the money. What's a 'gimme'? Is that a candy? Like a gummi worm? I just love gummi worms!"  


Faye screamed and yanked the bill from Andy's hand.

"You still haven't told me why you hate Leroy," Faye said. "Tell me now."  


"I tried to tell you earlier, but you completely ignored me," Andy said. "I'm not going to tell you now."

  
Andy turned around and walked out of the bar.

"Now that you have money, do you want to buy a drink?" the bartender asked.

"Fine," Faye said, walking up to the bar and sitting down. "Give me a gimme. I mean a martini. Oooh, that Andy!"

---

Andy walked out of the mining village and sighed.

"If I had my horse, I could find Leroy faster," Andy sighed. "My horse! My kingdom for a horse!"  


"Hey there, buckaroo," said a voice behind Andy. "I done heard that dang ol' Leroy went to the mines, mm-hmm."

Andy turned around to see a dirty, disheveled-looking man behind him.

"Uh, thanks," Andy said. "How did you know that?"

The man took out a slingblade.

"Leroy sent me to kill you, mm-hmm," the man said, holding up the slingblade. "He said he'd give me some french-fried taters if I beat you. I sure do love those french-fried taters, mm-hmm."

The man stabbed at Andy with the slingblade. Andy jumped back and kicked at the man, hitting him in the head. The man fell over.

"You beat me, mm-hmm," the man said. "Durn it. Got any french-fried taters?"

"Where are the mines?" Andy yelled.

"French-fried taters, mm-hmm," the man said. Andy sighed, then ran back to the mining town.

---

Andy entered the mining town and immediately found the place he was looking for: a McDonald's restaurant.

"Bingo!" Andy said. "French fries, here I come!"

  
Andy ran into the McDonalds and found himself at the back of a very long line.

"Crap, I forgot. These small towns always have long lines at the McDonalds," Andy said. "This could take a while."

---

"Alright," the bartender said, sitting across from an extremely inebriated Faye. "You get three questions."

"Who's the fairest one of all?" Faye slurred.

"A girl from Earth named Lily Waterflower IV," the bartender replied. "Next question."

  
"Am I drunk?" Faye asked.

"Yes," the bartender said. "One more question."

"Random flashback please," Faye said, swerving back and forth on her barstool.

"Alright," the bartender said. "This is a fun story."

---

__

A very young-looking Spike was playing basketball out on his driveway.

"Yay!" Chibi Spike cheered. "I'm Michael Jordan!"

Just then, a teenaged Jet stepped onto the court.

"Hi," Jet said. "I'm Jet Black."

  
"I'm Spike Spiegel!" Chibi Spike said. "Wow, I'm meeting a new person!"

Jet grabbed the basketball from Spike's hands.

"Yoink!" Jet said. "Bye!"

  
Jet ran off, carrying the basketball in his hands.

"Waaah!" Chibi Spike cried.

---

"That's how Spike Spiegel and Jet Black met," the bartender said. "Isn't that cool?"

"Shut up, I'm drunk," Faye said, standing up. "Man, I really want to get naked."

Suddenly, Andy stepped into the bar, carrying a bag from McDonald's.

"That line was long!" Andy shouted. "Hey Faye! What are you doing? I went to get some fries, but I got a couple of Big Macs too. Want one?"

"I want you, baby," Faye said drunkenly, sauntering up to Andy. 

"Are you drunk?" Andy asked.

"Am I drunk?" Faye asked.

"Yes," the bartender said. 

"Andy, take me home," Faye whined. "My head hurts!"

"First, we have to catch Leroy Brown," Andy said. 

"My head hurts!" Faye shouted. "Touch me and I'll scream."

"What should I do?" Andy asked.

"Buy a drink and I'll tell you," the bartender said.

"Buy me a drink, baby," Faye said.

Andy sighed. He walked up to the bar and ordered two drinks.

---

Meanwhile, Applederry had found the front of a large mine.

"Edward, this must be where the bad guys are hiding. Are you ready?" Applederry asked.

"Ed is ready! Edward is all ready, Eddy!" Edward shouted. "Let's go!"

Applederry and Edward ran into the mine. They didn't have long to run before they entered the end of the mine, a large room where Leroy Brown and his three lackeys were standing next to a tied up crash test dummy with a cardboard cut-out of a woman's face pasted onto it.

"Jeanine!" Applederry shouted.

"Um, father-person, that's not mommy. That's a dummy with a lady's face on it," Edward said. 

"Now now, Francoise. I know it's been a while since you've seen your mom, and you've forgotten what she looks like," Applederry said. "Don't worry. Your dad will get her back."

"Ha ha, Applederry! Your wife is ours!" Leroy laughed. "Get him, lackeys!"

The three lackeys ran at Applederry. Applederry kicked one of them in the face.

****

BIFF!

The lackey fell to the floor, unconscious. Another lackey took a swing at Applederry. Applederry ducked under the punch.

****

DUCK!

Applederry turned around and chokeslammed the lackey to the hard ground of the cave.

****

CHOKESLAM!

The final lackey ran at Edward. Edward slid under the lackey's legs. The lackey turned around and ran right into Applederry's fist.

****

POW!

"Why did that remind Edward of Batman?" Edward asked.

"Because it was like Batman!" Applederry said. "Only I'm much tougher!"

  
Applederry turned to Leroy.

"Alright, Leroy! It's just you and me now! I'm tougher than Applederry and Batman put together!" Applederry yelled.

"Yeah, but I want to face Andy," Leroy said. "So… bye!"

  
Leroy pressed a button. A large rocketship crashed through the top of the cave. Leroy climbed into the rocket and blasted off.

"Looks like that bad man is blasting off again!" Edward said. "Yay! Victory for father-person!"

The crash-test dummy had been completely burned up. Applederry ran to the ashes and knelt down next to them.

"Why?" Applederry screamed. "WHY? My darling wife!"

"That's not mommy," Edward said. "Can we go now?"

Just then, Andy ran into the cave, carrying an unconscious Faye.

"I gave her my drink," Andy said. "Took me three questions to get that out of the bartender though."

"Faye-Faye drank too much and passed out?" Edward asked.

"Yep," Andy said. "Where's Leroy?"

"I kicked his butt!" Applederry declared.

"No!" Andy yelled. "I wanted to kick his butt! Ever since that one fateful day, three weeks ago…"

---

__

"I'm Cowboy Andy!" Andy declared, riding his horse around. "Look at me!"  
  
"We're mortal enemies!" yelled a voice behind Andy. Andy turned around to see a very angry Leroy Brown standing behind him.

"Eh?" Andy said. "Why are we mortal enemies?"

"Because you didn't clean up your horse poop!" Leroy yelled. He lifted up his foot. "Look! Poop! You ruined my shoe!"

"I'm sorry," Andy said. 

"It's too late! You ruined my shoe! We're enemies, Cowboy Andy!"

---

"And right after that, I met you guys," Andy said. Suddenly, Faye's eyes opened. She jumped up, very angry and very sober.

"You mean that if you had been responsible enough to clean up that horse's crap, we wouldn't be dealing with that Leroy guy?" Faye yelled. "ARGH!"

"Sorry," Andy said.

"This whole thing answered a whole bunch of questions for me," Applederry said.

"Really?" Edward asked.

"Not really," Applederry said.

__

See you, space cowboy**?**

---

Andy: So many questions left unanswered!

Faye: No, we answered them all.

Jet: Next episode, I come back! And guess what? I'm a pro wrestler!

  
Faye: Jet, you stole Spike's basketball! I hate you!  
  
Jet: Anyway, I'm a pro wrestler! And I've got two beautiful women fighting over me! Meifa, from Boogie Woogie Hong Kong Phooey, episode 21!

Andy: Yay.

Jet; And Gabriella Elisabete Gerardini, from NessacusGirl's story, Sunshine!

  
Gabby: *waves* Call me Gabby!  
  
Meifa: I'll call you dead! And most certainly NOT Jet's girlfriend!

  
Jet: Also, that dirty jabroni Rick is back, and he's teamed up with Chris Jericho IV to take my Undisputed Championship! 

Gabby: *gasps* Not Rick! Grrr, I'm gonna kill him!

Meifa: Not if I kill you first!

  
Gabby: Bring it on!

  
Applederry: Am I gonna be in this episode at ALL?  
  
Jet: It's crossover madness next time on Bebop! 

Gabby: Next episode, "You Are My Jabroni"! 

  
Edward: Is that an Italian word?  
  
Meifa: The Rock made it up. If ya smelelelelel… what Meifa… is cookin'!  


Applederry: I'd better be in this episode.

Jet: Holla if ya hear me!


	18. You Are My Jabroni

A few reviews!

The Review Guy: Lily Waterflower IV is an inside joke that only you and I understand. If I put Ami in there, EVERYONE would understand it. The more people that understand an inside joke, the less funny it is. Like, totally!

Trunkz: The only question that will be answered this chapter is, uh… who will face who for the SSWWE Undisputed Championship at No Way Out! And who Jet's girlfriend is gonna be. And… well, actually, a whole bunch of questions!

Fantasy Cat: Maybe Meifa, maybe Gabby, whosoever makes me happy! I dunno! 

NessacusGirl: I heard Cowboy Funk was funny in Japanese! And Gabby and Meifa are both cool! So is Alisa, but she's in love with a street punk, so… yeah! You are the A+s on my report card! All of 'em!

Katie: Steve Blum (David Lucas) was the narrator for Digimon, and he played Flamedramon too! And I'm glad you liked all the different references!

---

Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop or any of the characters. Gabby and Rick are owned by my friend (My girlfriend! ^_^) NessacusGirl! So give her a shout-out for me, okay? And uh… all the WWE characters are owned by WWE. All the WWF characters are owned by pandas. Darn that World Wildlife Fund!

Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now.

---

Aboard the Bebop…

"Guys, you'll never guess what just happened!" Faye yelled, running into the main hall of the Bebop carrying an envelope in her hand.

"What is it, Faye?" Andy asked.

  
"Jet called! Guess what? He's a pro wrestler in the SSWWE now!" Faye said happily.

"I thought you didn't like wrestling," Applederry said.

  
"Shut up," Faye replied. "Anyway, Jet sent us four free backstage passes to tonight's episode of SSWWE RAW!"  


"Alright!" Edward yelled, doing a cartwheel. "Wrestling! Wrestling!"  


"I could have SWORN you didn't like wrestling," Applederry said.

__

Well take the guns

The bounties

From my generation

Cause it is time for some bounty hunting

Across the nation

It's the freaks, the frauds, and Faye the broad

I love her boobies

C'mon, c'mon, c'mon

Let's get it on

It's Cowboy Bebop

  
Cowboy friggin' Bebop

It's Cowboy Bebop yeah

It's Cowboy Bebop

Cowboy friggin' Bebop

It's Cowboy Bebop, YEAH!

---

****

Session 44: You Are My Jabroni

---

"And we're here live for the latest episode of SSWWE RAW!" Jim Ross IV yelled. "Tonight, Jet Black takes on the Undisputed SSWWE champion Chris Jericho IV for the Undisputed Title! Also tonight, we have a Number One Contender Match! Two surprise wrestlers face off for the chance to fight for the SSWWE Championship at No Way Out!"

"Wow, JR! That's pretty cool, but who will the surprise wrestlers be?" Jerry Lawler IV asked.

"We're about to find out! Also tonight, Meifa will face Gabriella Gerardini for the SSWWE Women's Championship, and the right to be Jet's girlfriend!" Jim Ross IV said.

"Woo-hoo, puppies!" Jerry Lawler IV cheered.

---

Backstage, in Jet's locker room…

"Wow, you got a really nice place here," Andy said, looking around the room. 

"Yeah," Jet said. "I am the star of the SSWWE. Well, actually, that jerk Y2J is the champ, but I'm about to be the champ! Oh, I'd like you to meet my two new girlfriends!"

Two pretty women stepped into the room. One of them had blondish-brown hair and wore a blue t-shirt and blue jeans. The other one had brown hair and was wearing a modest housewife's dress.

"I'm Meifa!" said the woman with blondish-brown hair. "Hello!"

"Aren't you the girl that was giggling a lot? And you were allergic to my smoking?" Faye asked.

"Yeah," Meifa said.

"I gave up smoking so Spike would like me. Then he died!" Faye cried. 

"Aw, that's sad," Meifa said.

"Who's Spike?" Gabby asked. "I think I know him from somewhere. Wasn't he-"

"No, you don't!" yelled a voice from offstage. "You don't know Spike. Not in this timeline."

"Okay," Gabby said.

  
"Who was that?" Jet asked.

"The author," Gabby replied.

"D'oh!" yelled the voice from offstage.

"They're about to announce the first contestant in the number one contender match," Jet said, pointing to a small TV monitor in the locker room. "Let's watch!"

---

"We're about to find out the first contestant in the number one contender match!" Jim Ross IV said. "Here we go!"

The Y2J countdown appeared on the Titantron.

"What the heck?" Jim Ross IV yelled. "Jericho's not supposed to be in this match!"  


Chris Jericho IV's theme song played as the SSWWE champ headed down to the ring, holding his title belt victoriously. He stepped into the ring.

"I'm the king of the world!" Jericho IV shouted.

"He's got that right!" Jerry Lawler IV said. "Let's see what Jericho has to say!"

"As all of you assclowns know, I'm facing Jet Black in an SSWWE Championship match tonight!" Jericho IV said. "I hate Jet! I hate hate hate hate him!"  
  
"We all know that," Jim Ross IV said.

"And I know someone else who hates him just as much. In fact, he's the first fighter in the Number One Contender match!" Jericho IV yelled.

"Who hates Jet as much as Jericho does?" Jim Ross IV asked.

"I do," Jerry Lawler IV said. "Maybe it's me, JR!"  


"A few days ago, Jet met a woman named Gabriella Elizabete Gerardini. She had run away from her family, and Jet, that dirty corrupt donut-stuffing assclown, helped her!" Jericho IV said. "Assisting a delinquent is a crime!"

"Gabby's 28!" Jim Ross IV said. "She can make her own decisions!"  


"So, my new friend Rick tried to help poor Gabby get back to her family," Jericho IV continued. He loved her dearly, and wanted to marry her! But do you know what Jet did? Jet killed him! Jet struck poor Rick down in cold blood! And Rick's poor uncle Armand!"

"That's a dang lie, and you know it, Jericho! That dirty scoundrel Rick beat poor Gabby like a dang government mule!" Jim Ross IV yelled angrily. "He's a dang dirty kidnapper!"

"But yesterday, I used the Dragonballs to bring Rick back to life!" Jericho IV shouted. "You all thought they were a myth, but I know better! And in fact, he's going to be in tonight's match!" 

The Sopranos theme hit. Rick walked down the ramp and into the ring. Jericho IV hugged Rick, then went backstage, leaving Rick in the ring.

"Hey Jet, I'm back!" Rick shouted. "And when I win the Number One Contenders' Match tonight, I'm going to face you at No Way Out! No, I won't face you at No Way Out! Because you won't be able to beat Chris Jericho tonight! And do you know why? I'm going to make sure you lose your match!"

"You suck! You suck! You suck!" chanted the crowd.

"Hey, treat Rick with some respect!" Jerry Lawler IV yelled.

"And after you lose your match tonight, I'm going to celebrate by marrying Gabby!" Rick yelled. "You won't beat me again!"

__

I think I'm cute

I know I'm sexy

"Huh?" Jerry Lawler IV shouted.

"That's Shawn Michaels IV's theme!" Jim Ross IV shouted.

__

I'm just a sexy boy

I'm not your boytoy

I'm just a sexy boy

I'm not your boytoy

Shawn Michaels IV stepped into the ring. He ignored Rick and began posing for the crowd.

"Hey, jerk!" Rick yelled. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm your opponent tonight!" Shawn Michaels IV said. "You're gonna face HBK for the Number One Contender spot! Oh yeah!"  


Rick ran at Shawn Michaels IV. Michaels turned around, then hit Rick right in the chin with a deadly kick, knocking him out instantly.

"Mah gawd! HBK just hit the Sweet Chin Music! Rick is out like a light!" Jim Ross IV yelled. Michaels IV's theme, "Sexy Boy" hit. The victorious Heartbreak Kid slid out of the ring and danced all the way backstage.

"Could this be what's going to happen in tonight's Number One Contender match?" Jim Ross IV said.

"Of course not! Rick can win! Right?" Jerry Lawler IV said, worry clearly showing in his voice.

---  


Backstage, in Jet's locker room…

"Oh no, did you see that?" Gabby asked. "Rick's back…"

"Don't worry, Gabby! You're safe with us!" Faye said.

"That's right, Gabby. I won't let Rick ever hurt you again!" Jet said.

"Well Gabby, are you ready for our match now?" Meifa asked.

"Alright!" Gabby said. "Let's go!"

---

In the ring…

"That dang Rick is back, and he's teamed up with Y2J! Dear God almighty, ah don't believe it!" Jim Ross IV yelled.

"Jericho and Rick are an unstoppable team! Jet's done for!" Jerry Lawler IV said.

The victory music from Final Fantasy began to play. Meifa ran down the ramp and slid into the ring. She waved to the crowd.

"Hello!" Meifa said happily.

"You Are My Sunshine" began playing. Gabby jogged down the ramp and hopped into the ring.

"Are you ready?" Gabby asked.

"Are you going to fight in THAT?" Meifa asked, pointing at Gabby's dress.

"Well, yeah," Gabby said. "What am I supposed to fight in?"

"Bra and panties! Bra and panties!" Jerry Lawler IV yelled.

"Cool it, you," Jim Ross IV said. 

"No way!" Gabby yelled. "I'm not showing off for the crowd!"

  
The crowd began to boo.

"Well, not necessarily," Meifa said. "Wear something like I'm wearing! T-shirt and blue jeans! Casual-like!" 

"Okay, but I need to change!" Gabby said.

"C'mon, fight already!" Jerry Lawler IV yelled. "Hurry up!"

"The crowd's full of pervs," Meifa said. "Let's just wrestle now, okay?"  
  
"Alright!" Gabby said. She put up her fists.

"Wait for me!" Jet said, running down the ramp and sliding into the ring. He was wearing a referee's outfit.

"You're the ref?" Gabby asked.

"That's right!" Jet said. "If this fight is gonna decide who gets to be my girlfriend, I'd better be the ref!"

"This'll be fun!" Meifa said. "Alright, let's go!"

Meifa ran at Gabby and punched at her head. Gabby dodged to the left and swept her leg under Meifa's feet, knocking her to the ground.

  
"Alright!" Gabby cheered. "I did-"

Meifa spun around on the ground, spinning her legs under Gabby's. Gabby fell to the ground, right into a roll-up pin from Meifa.

"1! 2!" Jet counted before Gabby kicked out.

"Hey!" Gabby yelled, standing up and brushing herself off. "That was pretty good…"  
  
Meifa stood up and punched Gabby in the nose, knocking her back.

"And Meifa with a powerful right hook!" Jim Ross IV said. "She nailed Gabby right in the face!"  


Gabby staggered back, then lunged forward and grabbed Meifa by the arm. She spun Meifa around, tossing her into the ropes surrounding the ring. Gabby ran at Meifa and tried to hit her with a clothesline, but Meifa ducked under the clothesline and kicked Gabby in the back, sending Gabby tumbling out of the ring.

"And Gabby goes flying!" Jim Ross IV yelled.

Gabby hit the ground outside the ring, hard. She stood up and pointed at Meifa.

"You're going down!" Gabby yelled.

"You'd better get back in the ring," Jet said. "Okay, Gabby?"  


"Okay, Jet!" Gabby replied. She hopped back into the ring and took a swing at Meifa. Meifa ducked under the punch.

"I'm level 24!" Meifa shouted. "You're only like, Level 18 or something! So there!"

Meifa pushed Gabby back into the turnbuckle, then punched her in the face.

"Aaah!" Gabby yelled.

Meifa punched at Gabby again. 

__

"If I don't do something soon, I'm going to lose!" Gabby thought. _"Wait, I know!"_

Meifa punched at Gabby. Gabby ducked under the punch at the last minute, causing Meifa to smash her hand into the hard steel turnbuckle.

"Argh!" Meifa screamed, collapsing to the canvas. "My hand's broken!"

"Uh oh…" Gabby said to herself. "Maybe I ducked too hard…"

Gabby crawled on top of Meifa, pinning her.

"1! 2!" Jet counted. Suddenly, a hand went around Gabby's ankle. Gabby was pulled off of Meifa and out of the ring. 

  
"Help!" Gabby yelled. "It's Rick!"

  
Rick dragged Gabby out of the ring. He reached under the ring and pulled out a metal folding chair.

"Hey!" Jet yelled. "Rick, I'm gonna kill you! Again!"

Rick raised the folding chair over Gabby's head. Suddenly, Jet's strong hands grabbed the folding chair from Rick. Jet swung the chair at Rick, but before the chair hit, Rick got out of the way and ran backstage.

"He got away!" Gabby shouted. "Go after him, Jet!"

"I'll get him later," Jet said. "Right now, we gotta finish the match!"  


"Alright!" Gabby said. She crawled into the ring and looked at Meifa. "Meifa, is your hand okay?"  


Meifa shook her head.

  
"Sorry, Gabby. I'm going to tap out…. You can be Jet's girlfriend, alright?" 

Meifa tapped out. Jet rang the bell.

"The winner…. Gabby!" Jet said, holding up Gabby's arm in the air.

"Yay!" Gabby cheered. "Meifa, do you need a doctor?"  


"There's probably a doctor backstage," Meifa said. "Bye, guys! We're still friends, okay?"

Meifa limped backstage, holding her broken hand.

"Too bad about Meifa's hand," Gabby said. "But now we're together forever!"

  
"That's right, Gabby! I always loved you a bit more anyway. You're my sunshine!" 

Jet embraced Gabby and kissed her. 

---

Backstage, in Jet's locker room…

"Aw, Gabby-wabby and Jet-person!" Edward said. "That's cute! Soooo cute!"

"They make a great couple," Faye said. "Just like Spike and I would have been! Waaaaaah!"

"Poor Faye," Andy said. "The next fight is about to start though! That Rick loser is about to get creamed."

"Go Shawn Michaels! Go Shawn Michaels! Go Shawn Michaels go!" Edward cheered.

---

"Sexy Boy" hit. Shawn Michaels dance down to the ring and slid inside.

"And there's the Heartbreak Kid, Shawn Michaels IV!" Jim Ross IV shouted. "He's here and he's ready to fight!"

The Sopranos' theme hit. Rick ran down to the ring and stepped inside.

"Alright, man, I'm taking you down!" Rick yelled, weakly punching at Michaels IV. The punch hit Michaels in the face, but the Heartbreak Kid wasn't even fazed. Rick gasped.

"You punk, that didn't even hurt!" Michaels IV shouted. He leapt up and dropkicked Rick to the ground. 

"No!" Jerry Lawler IV shouted.

"Get him, HBK! Kick that dang pervert's butt!" Jim Ross IV yelled.

Michaels IV pinned Rick. The ref began to count.

"1! 2!"

But just before the ref counted to three, Rick somehow managed to kick out. He groaned in pain. Shawn Michaels IV stood Rick up. Rick bobbled around wearily.

"Shawn Michaels is gonna go for the superkick!" Jim Ross IV shouted excitedly. Shawn Michaels IV turned around and kicked the weary Rick in the chin, knocking him out again. Rick hit the canvas. Shawn Michaels IV pinned him.

"1! 2!" counted the ref.

"That's it, it's all- oh mah gawd, look out!" Jim Ross IV yelled. Chris Jericho IV was right behind the ref, holding a metal chair. He slammed the chair across the back of the ref's head, knocking him out. Shawn Michaels IV stood up angrily and kicked the chair right out of Jericho IV's hands. The chair flew out of the ring.

"Alright, Y2Jerk, you want some too?" Michaels IV yelled. He spun around and kicked Jericho IV in the face, knocking him back into the ring ropes. Michaels punched Jericho hard in the chest, sending him flying over the ropes and onto the ground outside the ring. Michaels pinned Rick again, but the ref was still knocked out.

"That dang Rick should be out by now! It's been way more than three seconds! The dang ref is still knocked out!" Jim Ross IV yelled angrily.

Michaels IV pounded the canvas in frustration and stood up. Suddenly, Chris Jericho IV climbed back into the ring holding a sledgehammer.

"Oh mah gawd, no!" Jim Ross IV shouted. Before Michaels IV could react, Jericho IV nailed him in the back of the head with the sledgehammer. Michaels IV passed out and fell to the canvas just as the ref began to stir. Jericho IV placed Rick's unconscious body on top of Michaels IV and ran out of the ring. 

"No, not like this! For the love of God, not like this!" Jim Ross IV shouted.

"1! 2! 3!" the ref counted.

Rick woke up and wearily stood in the ring. The ref held up Rick's arm.

"Yay!" Jerry Lawler IV shouted.

"Shut up, King! Don't you know what this means? That dang Rick is gonna be the number one contender at No Way Out!" Jim Ross IV yelled.

"I know! Isn't it great, JR?" Jerry Lawler IV asked.

"No!" Jim Ross IV yelled.

---

"No, no, no!" Gabby yelled, watching the fight from Jet's locker room. "No, Jet, no! You gotta stop this!"

"I headed out to the ring, but by the time I got there, everyone had left," Jet said. "Our TV in here is tape-delayed two minutes."

"Welp, you'd better worry about your fight with Y2J," Faye said. "Then you'll get to face Rick at No Way Out."

"Yeah! And then there's gonna be no way out for Rick!" Applederry said. Andy, Faye, Jet, Edward, and Gabby stared at him angrily.

  
"That was horrible," Jet said. "Anyway, it's time for my match!"

"Can I come with you?" Gabby asked.

"It might be dangerous," Jet said.

"Jet, I'm the new Women's Champion! I can protect myself!" Gabby said. "Please, Jet?"

"Well… alright," Jet said. "Let's go!"

---

In the ring…

"The main event is about to begin, and I really hope Jet wins this thing," Jim Ross IV said. "That Y2Jerk and his partner in crime Rick don't deserve the SSWWE title!"

"I beg to differ, JR!" Jerry Lawler IV said. 

"Would you shut up, King?" Jim Ross IV yelled.

__

You are my sunshine

My only sunshine

"That's Gabby's theme!" Jim Ross IV said. "Look! She's coming out with Jet!"  


__

You make me happy

When skies are gray

You'll never know dear

How much I love you

Please don't take my sunshine away

Police sirens began to sound. The lights dimmed. Bright red lights began to encircle the ring.

__

HOLLA IF YA HEAR ME!

"Sunshine" was suddenly replaced by Scott Steiner's theme, which Jet was now using as his own theme song. Jet and Gabby walked down the ramp and slid into the ring. Jet raised his metal arm to his lips and kissed it, just like Scott Steiner.

"Gimme a (censored) microphone!" Jet yelled to a crewman standing near the ring. Gabby giggled. The crewman handed a mic to Jet and ran off. Jet lifted the mic to his lips.

"Jet's gonna say something!" Jerry Lawler IV said.

"First of all, I just want to say that I was disgusted by the results of that last match!" Jet shouted. "That jerk Rick does NOT deserve to be the Number One contender!"

The crowd cheered.

  
"And it's all Chris Jericho IV's fault. So Jericho, in this match tonight, I'm gonna kick the holy crap out of you!"

The crowd cheered louder.

"Holla if ya hear me!" Jet yelled.

"Yay!" Gabby cheered.

__

No chance! That's what you've got!

"What?" Jim Ross IV shouted. "It's Vince McMahon IV!"

  
Vince McMahon walked out onto the ramp, holding a microphone.

"Jet, I know how mad you are with Jericho. But I just got done talking with Jericho and Rick. Jet, you are a dangerous man!" McMahon IV yelled.

"What?" Jet yelled.

"You beat Rick to death with that metal arm of yours, and I'm not going to allow you to use it in your match with Y2J!" McMahon IV said, holding up a screwdriver.

"***hole! ***hole! ***hole!" chanted the crowd.

"Hey, you can't disrespect Vince like that!" Jerry Lawler IV said.

"I'm coming down to the ring and I'm gonna unscrew that metal arm of yours!" McMahon IV shouted. He walked down the ramp and was immediately confronted by Gabby.

  
"I don't think so!" Gabby yelled. 

"Get out of my way!" McMahon IV yelled. "I'm Vince McMahon, da-"

"Shut your mouth!" Gabby yelled. She kicked Vince McMahon IV hard in the groin. McMahon IV doubled over.

"Never… mind…" McMahon IV said weakly. He limped back up the ramp.

"Good work, Gabby!" Jet said.

"No sweat!" Gabby replied, giving Jet a thumbs-up. The Y2J countdown began. Jericho IV and Rick walked down the ramp. 

"You assclowns! How dare you!" Jericho IV yelled. He slid into the ring. "Oh well, metal arm or no metal arm! I'm a living legend! I'm going to kick your butt!"

Meanwhile, Rick had found himself a place to watch the fight, and was standing outside the ring, behind a turnbuckle. Gabby was standing behind the turnbuckle on the opposite side of the ring from Rick.

"And here we go!" Jim Ross IV said. "This fight is about to begin!"

Chris Jericho IV lunged forward and punched at Jet. Jet grabbed Jericho IV's hand with his metal fist and began squeezing.

"Argh! Argh! Argh!" Jericho IV shouted. "Darn you!"

Jericho IV kicked Jet hard in the groin. Jet released Jericho IV's arm and doubled over.

  
"That's a low blow!" Jim Ross IV shouted. "Already, a low blow from Jericho!"

Jericho IV reared back and punched Jet hard in the face, sending him crashing to the canvas. 

"Jet, no!" Gabby yelled. Jericho IV pinned Jet.

"1! 2!" counted the ref. Jet kicked out and hopped back to his feet. He punched Jericho in the face with his non-metal hand. Jericho staggered back. Jet hit Jericho again, sending him back to the ring ropes. Jet switched hands, getting ready to punch Jericho with his metal arm. Suddenly, Jericho was pulled out of the ring by his partner Rick, causing Jet's fist to punch right through air.

"Thanks," Jericho IV said, climbing back into the ring.

"He's cheating!" Gabby yelled. Jericho grabbed Jet's leg and pulled him to the ground.

"Argh!" Jet yelled as his head hit the canvas. Jericho got on top of Jet and began punching him repeatedly. 

"Yeah!" Rick cheered. "Get him! Get him!"

Jericho IV crawled off of Jet and leaped up onto the turnbuckle. 

"He's gonna try to jump on Jet!" Jerry Lawler IV yelled. 

Jericho prepared to leap off of the turnbuckle and onto Jet. Suddenly, Gabby grabbed Jericho by the leg, causing him to hit his knee hard on the turnbuckle. Jericho let out a loud scream of pain and fell into the ring next to Jet. Rick shouted angrily and ran over to Gabby.

"Uh oh…" Gabby said. Rick stomped over to her.

"What's wrong with you?" Rick yelled. "You just hurt the SSWWE Champion, Chris Jericho IV!"

  
Rick angrily slapped Gabby in the face. Gabby let out a yelp of pain. She began to growl. She turned back to face Rick.

  
"No one… will ever… hit me like that again!" Gabby yelled. She lashed out and slammed her fist right into Rick's nose. Rick yelled and cupped both of his hands over his nose.

"It's bleeding!" Rick yelled. Gabby reached under the ring and took out a frying pan. She raised it above Rick's head, but suddenly had the pan grabbed away by the ref.

"Hey!" the ref yelled. "You two chill out!"

"He slapped me!" Gabby yelled.

"She broke my nose!" Rick whined. Meanwhile, Chris Jericho IV had just managed to stand up in the ring. He reached into his tights and pulled out some brass knuckles. He put the knuckles on his hand and pounded Jet on the forehead. The ref turned around, and Jericho quickly tossed the brass knuckles out of the ring.

"Owwww… my head!" Jet yelled. He stood up wearily.

  
"How'd you get up?" Jericho IV asked.

"I'm a cop. Duh," Jet said. "Take this!"

Jet reared back and punched Jericho IV in the face with his metal arm. Jericho dropped to the canvas, knocked out instantly.

"Alright!" Gabby cheered. "Pin him!"

  
Jet pinned Jericho.

"1! 2!" counted the ref. Before the ref got to three, Jericho kicked out. He was barely awake.

"Darn it!" Jet shouted. He pulled back his metal arm and prepared to strike Jet again. Rick got up behind Jet and pulled him out of the ring.

"Dang that Rick, he did it again!" Jim Ross IV shouted. Jet spun Rick around.

"Time to kill you for good," Jet said. "You sick freak!"

Jet prepared to strike Rick.

  
"Jet, help!" Gabby yelled. Chris Jericho IV had grabbed her and was preparing to hit her with brass knuckles. Jet dropped Rick and ran at Jericho IV angrily. Rick ran up behind Jet and slammed a trash can into the back of his head. Jet screamed in pain and collapsed to the ground. Rick laughed evilly.

"We got him!" Rick shouted triumphantly. The ref began to call for the bell.

"No!" Gabby yelled. "If Jericho gets disqualified, Jet can't win the title!"

"Then we'll just have to get Jericho disqualified!" Rick said. He reached under the ring and pulled out a sledgehammer. 

"No!" Gabby yelled. She broke free from Chris Jericho and tackled Rick to the ground, causing the sledgehammer to fall out of Rick's hand. 

"Hey!" Jericho yelled. Gabby ignored Jericho and began to punch Rick repeatedly. Jericho lunged at Gabby. Suddenly, Jet leaped up with renewed vigor. He ran at Jericho and laid him out with a hard clothesline to the head. Jet tossed Y2J back into the ring.

"I don't believe it! He's gonna pin Jericho!" Jim Ross IV shouted. Jet crawled on top of Jericho IV and pinned him.

"1! 2! 3!" shouted the ref. Jet got up and posed victoriously in the ring, holding up his new title belt. Gabby crawled off of Rick and slid into the ring. She hugged Jet happily.

"Yes! You're the new champ! Alright!" Gabby cheered. But Rick wasn't done yet. He picked up a sledgehammer that was lying next to the ring, then crawled inside and got up behind Jet.

  
"I'm the champ!" Jet shouted. Gabby gasped.

"Jet, behind you!" Gabby yelled. Jet turned around, but it was too late. Rick nailed Jet with the sledgehammer, knocking him out.

"Chris Jericho might not have won, but I did!" Rick yelled. "And now to claim my prize!"

  
Gabby crawled back. She found herself backed up against the turnbuckle. Rick stood over her with the sledgehammer.

"Bwahaha!" Rick laughed. "You're mine!"

"Go Go Cactus Man" began to play. The arena erupted into cheers as Cowboy Andy ran down the ramp and slugged Rick in the back of the head. Rick fell to the ground.

"Cuttin' it a little close there, huh, little lady?" Andy said. Gabby nodded.

"He knocked out Jet…" Gabby said, kneeling next to her fallen lover.

"I'm sure Jet will be fine soon! He's a real tough guy!" Andy said. "Well, anyway, we'd better go. C'mon, I'll help you carry Jet to the-"

Rick's sledgehammer slammed into the back of Andy's head, knocking him out. Gabby screamed.

"Now it's just you and me, Gabby!" Rick said. "And the MILLIONS… and MILLIONS of The Rick's fans!"

"That was really lame," Gabby said. "I'm serious."

  
"Shut up!" Rick yelled. "You're history! Unless you marry me, of course."

Gabby's eyes suddenly dwelled to a metal folding chair sitting by the ring. She grabbed it.

"What are you doing?" Rick asked. Gabby smiled.

"This is for the MILLIONS and MILLIONS of Gabby's fans!" Gabby said. She clocked Rick on the head with the chair, sending him staggering backwards. Gabby leaped up onto the turnbuckle and held the chair out in front of her. She leaped off of the turnbuckle, kicking the chair into Rick's head and knocking him back into the other turnbuckle.

"THE VANTERMINATOR!" Jim Ross IV yelled jublilantly. "GABBY HIT THE VANTERMINATOR! RICK IS OUT OF THERE!"  


A wispy ghost floated out of Rick's body.

"Oh crap," Rick's ghost said. "I'm dead again!"

The ghost floated up and out of the arena.

"I killed him," Gabby said. "Oops…"

"It's no big loss," the ref said. "He was a jerk!"

The crowd cheered madly.

---

Later, in Jet's locker room…

"My head hurts," Andy said.

"Mine too," Jet said. "But at least I'm the champ, and Gabby is safe, and Rick is dead!"

"Since Rick died, they made Shawn Michaels IV the Number One Contender! Isn't that great?" Gabby asked. 

"I guess you'd better begin training, huh, Jet?" Faye said.

"Yeah, guess I should," Jet said. 

"Hey, maybe you and Gabby could join us on Bebop!" Andy said.

"Nah, we're the SSWWE Champs. It wouldn't be fair to the fans," Jet said.

"Maybe after the fans get tired of us as champs, and Internet smarks start calling us obscene names!" Gabby said. "Then we could retire and join you, okay?"

"That's okay," Applederry said. "You just go right on being SSWWE Champ. Of course, I hope Shawn Michaels wins the title, but-"

Gabby kicked Applederry in the groin. Applederry doubled over.

"Oops," Gabby said. "Sorry, Ed. I kicked your dad in the…"

"It's okay!" Edward said. "He's used to it!"

  
"And so is Andy," Faye said. "They're a couple of jerks!"

Gabby giggled.

"Well, bye!" Jet said. "See you all soon, okay?"  


Andy, Faye, Applederry, and Edward waved goodbye to Gabby and Jet and got into the Bebop. 

"Hey, what happened to Meifa?" Gabby asked.

"It's one of those unanswered questions," Jet said. "Nobody knows."

---

On Ganymede…

"So," Alisa said, sipping on a cup of coffee. "Jet dumped you too, huh?"

"My hand's broken," Meifa whined.

  
"Wanna be lesbian lovers?" Alisa asked. "I stopped waiting for Rhint a long time ago."

"Okay!" Meifa said.

__

You are my sunshine… jabroni!

---

Andy: Sheeeeeeeee's baaaack!

  
Faye: Meifa? Gabby? Catherine?  


Andy: Kikome, silly! And it looks like she's qualified for the Space Olympics in Istanbul! WITH MY HORSE!

Applederry: You'd better get it back.

Andy: But I can't let Kikome lose…

Faye: You can trip her horse with a wire!

Andy: That would hurt poor Onyx!

  
Edward: Istanbul, Constantinople, Byzantium!

Andy: Oh yeah, I forgot! I also have to fight some terrorists who want Istanbul to be renamed Constantinople!

Faye: Why did Constantinople get the works?  
  
Andy: That's nobody's business but the Turks!  
  
Kikome: Next episode of Bebop: "They Might Be Horse Rustlers"! Isn't that right, Onyx?

Onyx: *neighs*  
  
Andy: Gimme back my horse!


	19. They Might Be Horse Rustlers

A few reviews!

Katie: Yup, they still like Meifa! I hope so anyway! But now Alisa 'likes' Meifa. Hee hee! Yeah, people come back to life and then they die again! Only in this story! (And DBZ, of course.) I saw that Tiny Toons ep! It's one of my favs!

NessacusGirl: Glad you liked the chapter! Thanks for granting me the use of your characters! *hugs and kisses* Go Gabby! Go Jet! Hee hee! Yes, Rick is a roodypoo jabroni! BTW, a jabroni is the name that the Rock made up to call people he didn't like. Gabby whooped everybody! And of course, Rick was only able to pick up the sledgehammer because Jericho worked out with him before the match. That dirty Chris Jericho! But now he's gonna be out of the picture for a long time! Kikome in the Olympics! Yep!

Trunkz: Yeah, I use a lot of inside jokes in my series. Glad you like it anyway! I take a lot of pride in my fight scenes!

---

Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop or any of the characters. I also don't own the Olympics. If I did, small countries would get to win more! Well, maybe. And I also don't own that Istanbul song. It's owned by They Might Be Giants! So, are they Giants? Jeremy Shockey's on the Giants. He is mean! 

Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now.

---

"I've done it!" yelled Andy's jubilant voice from the Bebop's main foyer. Faye, who was watching TV in the next room, yelled back.

"What have you done?" Faye yelled.

  
"Eureka, I've done it!" Andy shouted.

"Tell me what you did! So I can fix it!" Faye yelled back.

"I can't believe it! I found it!" Andy yelled.

"You found your brain?" Faye asked.

"I've found that dirty criminal!" Andy yelled.

"The guy who designed your outfit?" Faye shouted. 

"She is going down!" Andy yelled.

"Who's _she_?" Faye asked angrily. "Andy!"

"I've found my horse and the criminal that took him! Yay!" Andy shouted.

"Oh, you found your horse," Faye said. "I don't care!"  


"The Olympics? No way! Why would they let criminals like that in the Olympics?" Andy shouted. "And with my horse!"

"That does it," Faye said. "Andy, I'm coming out there!"

  
Faye ran out into the foyer and stood right in front of Andy. She growled at him angrily.

"Oh, hello Faye!" Andy said happily. "Did you hear the good news? That woman that stole my horse has entered into the Olympics on New Istanbul, Mars! Isn't that great? I can find her and get my Onyx back!"  


"I heard," Faye said. "I don't care."

"You don't care about my horse?" Andy asked. "You're mean!"

---

****

Session 45: They Might Be Horse Rustlers

---

The Bebop flew into the spaceport in New Istanbul. Andy, Faye, Applederry, and Edward stepped out.

"I was in the Olympics once," Applederry said. "Of course, back then it wasn't called the Olymp-"

"Yes it was," Faye said. 

  
"Faye-Faye is right, Applederry-person!" Edward said. "The Olympics have been around since 776 B.C. in Ancient Greece! After hundreds of years of competition, the Olympics were stopped, only to be revived again in 1896, with brief breaks in 1940 and 1944 due to war and in 2024 due to the lack of humans caused by the Goku Fart Disaster! They were revived in 2028 as a solar system-wide competition, and-"

"He's wrong, Ed," Andy said. "That's all that matters, right?"

"Hey!" Applederry yelled. "But I was in the Olympics."

"Actually, weren't you one of the Roidly Nine, kicked out for illegal steroid use in the 2060 Olympics in Port Pond, Ganymede?" Faye asked.

"But I _was _in the Olympics," Applederry said.

The four members of Bebop approached the arena where the Olympics were being held. Suddenly, an ISSP agent stopped them.

"Sorry," the ISSP agent said. "Standard security check. There are rumors of terrorists attacking the Games."

"Terrorists?" Andy asked. "I'm Cowboy Andy, and I can thwart any terrorist!"

"Andy _is _a terrorist," Faye said nonchalantly. The ISSP agent immediately tackled Andy to the ground.

"You're under arrest, punk!" the ISSP agent yelled. "You're under arrest for being a terrorist!"  


"I was just joking," Faye said. 

The ISSP agent got off of Andy and tackled Faye to the ground.

"You're under arrest, punkette!" the ISSP agent yelled angrily. "You're under arrest for joking about other people being terrorists!"

"Stop that!" Applederry yelled. 

The ISSP agent got off of Faye and tried to tackle Applederry to the ground. He failed miserably.

"Uh, you're under arrest for obstruction of justice," the ISSP agent said. "Could you please assume the position?"

"I assumed your mom last night," Applederry said. The ISSP agent began to cry.

"I was just doing my job!" the ISSP agent sobbed before running off.

"That was mean," Andy said, getting off of the ground and brushing himself off.

"Father-person, you wouldn't cheat on mommy-person, would you?" Edward asked innocently.

"I don't know about that," Faye said. "What about those prostitutes on-"

"Er, now you know me better than that, Edward!" Applederry said, pushing Faye aside. "Let's just watch the Olympics, okay?"

"And get my horse back!" Andy yelled.

---

Inside the Olympic stadium, the equestrian competitions were just about to start. Kikome was taking Onyx on a warm-up ride around the stadium.

"Now Onyx, it's been my life's dream to win the Olympics!" Kikome said, stroking Onyx's face gently. "And we both know that a silver medal in the wrestling event isn't quite enough."

Onyx neighed.

"I know it was the men's event and I should be proud," Kikome said. "But I wanted to win!"  


Kikome continued to ride Onyx around the stadium. Meanwhile, Faye, Applederry, and Edward had taken seats in the stands, while Andy was standing outside the "Athletes Entrance" gate.

"You have to let me in!" Andy yelled to the guard standing by the gate.

"How do I know you're not a terrorist?" the guard asked.

"I'm Cowboy Andy!" Andy yelled. "You know, the guy that helped catch Osama Bin Laden?"  


"You're Osama Bin Laden?!" the guard yelled. He tackled Andy to the ground. "I caught Osama Bin Laden!"

  
"Bin Laden's dead!" Andy yelled.

"Are you threatening me?" the guard asked. 

"He's not a terrorist!" Kikome shouted from beyond the gate. "Hiya, Andy!"

"Kikome?" Andy said.

"Let him in," Kikome said. "He's okay!"

  
The guard opened the gate. Andy walked up to Kikome.

"Kikome, uh…. it's nice to see you, but you took my horse, and I'd really, really, really like it back," Andy said. 

"Oh Andy, I'm so sorry! I really am!" Kikome said. "It's just a reflex, stealing horses and all. But winning the Olympics is my life's dream! And Onyx is a pretty good wrestler too. So… look, Andy… I'll give Onyx back right after the race! I promise!"

"Alright," Andy said. "I really miss my horsey! Onyx…"

  
Onyx whinnied and nuzzled up to Andy.

"Alright, it's time for the race!" Kikome said. "Wish me luck!"

---

Andy, now in the stands, watched intently from the stands as the race began.

"Faye, I trust Kikome and all," Andy said. "But could you please stand in front of the exit out of there to make sure she doesn't leave with Onyx?"

"I don't want to," Faye said. "If someone like Edward asked me-"

  
"Please?" Edward asked longingly.

"Fine," Faye said. She got up and walked down to the "Athletes Exit" gate.

"How did you do that?" Andy asked.

"Ed has a special gift!" Edward said.

---

Inside the stadium…

"And these horses are just about to race!" the announcer shouted. "This event is just a simple run down a 1-mile track! So let's begin!"

A trumpet sounded. The ten horses in the competition, including Onyx, ran out of the starting gate and began to circle the track. Onyx ran into the middle of the pack.

"And Death by Letters is in first! Saving Grace is in second! Baseballcapflowershipping Forever is in third, with Onyx and Dead Reckoning running side-by-side for fourth!" yelled the announcer.

"Kikome's in fourth!" Edward yelled. "Oh no!"

"It's good Onyx isn't in first right away. It's called pacing," Andy said. "Look, Onyx is making a run!"

  
Sure enough, Onyx began to come up on the outside as the horses passed the quarter-mile mark. It edged out Baseballcapflowershipping Forever to move into third. However, it was quickly passed by two other horses.

"Onyx tried to make a run, but here come Simon Is A Mean Jerk and Peace Icon on the inside! They're moving into second and third! Death By Letters is slipping back down the pack! Saving Grace and Simon Is A Mean Jerk are dueling for second while Peace Icon is in third! And here's the half-mile mark!" called the announcer.

"Oh no, Onyx isn't gonna win!" Edward yelled.

"C'mon, Onyx, let's go!" Kikome shouted. "Please?"

Onyx neighed and sped up, passing Peace Icon and catching up with the leaders. The horses passed the three-quarter mile mark and headed down the home stretch.

"They're going down the home stretch! Saving Grace is in the lead by a length! Now it's Simon Is A Mean Jerk in first! And now… now Onyx is coming out of nowhere! It's passed Saving Grace! Simon Is A Mean Jerk and Onyx are neck-and-neck! It's gonna be a photo finish!"

"We can win!" Kikome shouted. "Go, Onyx, go! C'mon! This is for Andy!"

"Aw, how sweet!" Andy said. 

  
"It's going to be a photo finish! Simon Is A Mean Jerk and Onyx! Onyx is ahead! Now Simon Is A Mean Jerk is ahead! Onyx! Simon! Onyx! Simon! And… ONYX IS THE WINNER! ONYX WINS!"

  
Onyx crossed the finish line and neighed victoriously.

"Yay!" Kikome shouted. "I'm a gold medalist! Yes!"

Inside the exit gate, Faye was clapping.

"You go, girl," Faye said. "About time a girl won one of these things. I bet Andy couldn't win this event. He couldn't ride a horse if it bit him in the-"

Suddenly, a huge explosion ripped through the gate where Faye was standing. The blast blew open the gate and went into the stands. Fortunately, the fans sitting in the sections affected by the blast were able to dive out of the way. But that doesn't help Faye, does it? DOES IT? *cries*

"FAYE!" Andy yelled in horror. 

"Faye-Faye, no!" Edward shouted.

"Chick with the big boobs! No!" Applederry yelled. "Er, I mean, uh… Faye, no!"

The explosion faded, leaving a badly burned Faye lying on the ground. She wasn't moving. Onyx galloped over to her. Kikome hopped off of Onyx and knelt at Faye's side. Andy, Edward, and Applederry hopped out of the stands and ran to be with Faye.

"She's hurt bad," Andy said, noticing the tears in Faye's clothing and the cuts, bruises, and burns on her skin. 

"She's hot," Applederry said, especially noticing the tears in Faye's clothing. "I mean, uh… she was hot when she got caught in that explosion. In a, uh, temperature sense."

  
EMTs ran out to the stadium and lifted Faye onto a stretcher.

"Terrorists did this!" Andy declared. "I'll hunt down the terrorists that hurt Faye, and I will single-handedly make them pay! With Kikome's help, of course."

  
"I'd be glad to help!" Kikome said. "Anything to help my friend's girlfriend!"

"Aw, Andy and Faye-Faye are so cute!" Edward said. "Catch those bad guys!"

"I'm going to sleep," Applederry said. "Night night!"  


Applederry immediately fell asleep and collasped onto the ground in the stadium.

"He's not going to help, is he?" Kikome asked.

"No," Andy said. "Too bad. He'll miss the wet t-shirt event. Welp, shall we go avenge Faye?"

"Alright!" Kikome said. Kikome and Andy hopped onto Onyx and rode out of the stadium. Meanwhile, Edward, doing what kawaii little kids do, wandered out into the parking lot. She climbed into the backseat of one of the cars.

"Edward will take a nap too," Edward yawned. "Nap nap nap for Edward…"

Edward curled up and fell asleep. As she did, two men wearing ski masks hopped into the front seat of the car.

"That will teach those infidels to name this town Istanbul," one of the men said. "This time is rightfully named Constantinople!"

"That's right," the other man said. "By the way, what are our names again? I forgot."

"You're an idiot," the first man said. "My name is Terro, and your name is Rist."

  
"Oh yeah," Rist said. "I totally forgot. I wonder why?"

The terrorists drove off, completely unaware of their pink-haired stowaway.

---

Meanwhile, in the Olympic Metropolis…

"First it was the Olympic Village," Andy said. "Then the Olympic Town. Then the Olympic City. Then the Olympic Capital."  


"And now it's the Olympic Metropolis," Kikome said. "I heard that when it got up to 500,000 athletes, they'd rename it the Olympic Megalopolis and they get a big statue of Mario to place in the center!"

"A statue of Mario," Andy said. "Man, I'd love to have one of those. Anyway, where's the first place to look for terrorists?"

"The Iraqi headquarters, of course," Kikome said. "Let's go!"  


---

Inside the Iraqi headquarters…  


"I'm telling you!" yelled the Iraqi team captain. "Ever since George W. Bush and the United States nuked us into a crater in 2003, we've been a peaceful land of rainbows and fuzzy bunnies!"

"Sure," Kikome said. "So… WHERE ARE YOUR HIDDEN WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION, YOU SICK TERRORIST FREAK?"  


"There's a hidden weapon of mass destruction in my pants, if you know what I mean," the team captain said suggestively.

"You heard him," Andy said. "Off with his pants!"

  
Andy yanked off the man's belt. Kikome stopped him. 

"He was joking," Kikome said. "I don't think the terrorists are here."

"You're right," Andy said. "Bye!"

  
Andy and Kikome left, leaving the Iraqi team captain without a belt. His pants were down to his ankles.

"And I didn't wear underwear today," the Iraqi team captain said. He had a neutron bomb strapped to his groin. "Now how am I gonna hide this thing from the weapons inspectors?"

---

Meanwhile, Terro and Rist's car had just pulled in to the United States (of Mars)'s Olympic headquarters. The two men walked around to the trunk of their car and pulled out a large bomb. 

"This'll make a real impact!" Terro said. "Then they'll have to rename this city Constantinople!"

  
"Shouldn't we blow up Turkey's headquarters?" Rist asked. "They're the ones in charge of this sort of thing."

  
"You're right," Terro said. "But we already planted the bomb! Let's get out of here!"

Terro and Rist hopped back into their car and drove away. The bomb inside the US Olympic headquarters detonated, blowing the building to smithereens.

"Darn it!" Andy yelled, watching the explosion from across the street. "They blew up something else!"

"I can see their parachutes!" Kikome said, pointing up. "They're okay!"

  
"Those aren't parachutes, those are body parts," Andy said.

"Oh, I forgot! We're not on Toonami, we're on Adult Swim! Silly me!" Kikome said. "Onyx, follow whoever blew up that building!"

Onyx's advance horse eyes locked onto a red car headed away from the explosion. Onyx neighed and chased after the car.

---

"Well, at least we blew up something," Terro said. "They'll have to name this city Constantinople now!"

"Yay! Explosions!" Rist shouted. He looked back.

"Go Go Cactus Man" started to play. Terro and Rist looked back to see Andy and Kikome chasing them.

"There's a horse chasing us!" Terro shouted. "Crap!"

"Go Go Cactus Man" ended. "Istanbul, Not Constantinople" started to play.

__

Istanbul was Constantinople

Now it's Istanbul, not Constantinople

Been a long time gone, Constantinople

"Stop now, terrorists!" Andy shouted. "I'm Cowboy Andy!"

"And I'm Cowgirl Kikome!" Kikome yelled. "Hey, that was cool!"

__

Now it's Turkish Delight on a moonlit night

"Darn it, speed up!" Rist yelled.

"This car only goes at horse speed! It's got 1 horsepower!" Terro shouted.

"Whaheh?" Rist said in a puzzled tone.

"I got it for a bargain, okay?" Terro said.

__

Every gal in Constantinople

Lives in Istanbul, not Constantinople

So if you've a date in Constantinople

She'll be waiting in Istanbul

Suddenly, a loud yawning came from the back seat of the terrorists' car. Edward sat up.

"Where is Edward?" Edward asked. "Aaah! There are two bad men in the front seat!"

"Edward?" Andy said. "Is that you?"

__

Even old New York

Was once New Amsterdam

Why they changed it I can't say

I guess they like things better that way

"I don't," Terro said. "There's a little girl in the back seat!"

  
"Let's tie her to a bomb or something and drop her in front of the heroes as a villainous distraction!" Rist said.

  
"Edward has a better idea!" Edward yelled, jumping onto Terro's head and clawing at his eyes. The car began to swerve.

  
"Now's our chance!" Andy yelled. "Onyx, go!"

  
Onyx galloped and galloped until it reached the side of the terrorists' car. Andy and Kikome leaped into the car and slammed onto the brakes.

"You guys are under arrest," Andy said. Edward slid off of Terro's head and into the back seat of the car.

"Yay, yay, yay! The bad men are captured!" Edward yelled. 

"Not bloody likely!" Terro said. He and Rist hopped out of the car. "Terrorists always win! Mwaha-"

Hundreds of ISSP agents tackled the two terrorists to the ground.

"They finally got the right guys," Andy said. 

"Finally," Kikome yelled in exasperation. 

---

At the hospital…

"Faye, are you alright?" Andy asked, sitting in a chair next to Faye's hospital bed. She had been awake for several minutes.

"Andy, is that you?" Faye asked. "Andy…"

"We used the bounty money that we got from the terrorists to pay for plastic surgery for you," Applederry said. "You'll look exactly like you did before the explosion! Thank goodness. We also had enough money left for a boob job."

"Which I promptly refused," Andy said.

"Aw, you'd do that for me?" Faye asked. "How did you know I didn't want my boobs getting any bigger?"  
  
"Actually, it was my wholesome cowboy morals that influenced my decision! So I spent the boob money to get Kikome a new horse," Andy said.

"Now I don't have to steal his!" Kikome said, riding her new horse inside the hospital room.

"You're not supposed to have horses in the hospital," Andy said. 

"Yeehaw!" Kikome shouted.

"Never mind," Andy said. "I like it when you say yeehaw!"  


"Thanks again for helping me out, Andy," Faye said. "You know, I almost like you. Almost."

"Why, you're welcome, little lady!" Andy said. "Anyone else have anything to say?"

"Can I say something?" Applederry asked.

"Is it something perverted?" Faye asked.

"Yes," Applederry said.

"Then no," Faye said. "Not until my burnt leg is at 100% groin-kicking capacity!"

Everyone laughed.

"Oh, by the way, I have to go!" Kikome said. "Your horse is outside!"

Kikome's horse galloped out of the room.

"She's a nice girl," Andy said. "She would have re-stolen Onyx if I hadn't bought her a new horse, but other then that, she's nice. So Faye, when do you recover?"  


"Five months," Faye said. "At the least."

  
"That won't do," Andy said. "Can you recover by tomorrow? That's when our next adventure is supposed to be…"

"Oh," Faye said. "Recovery, here I come!"

"Yay!" Andy, Applederry, and Edward cheered.

__

See you, space cowboy…

---

Andy: I've got my horse back!  
  
Onyx: *neighs*

Edward: Cool, man!

Faye: Huh?  
  
Edward: Radical, dude!

Applederry: Son, where'd you pick up that strange stuff?

  
Edward: Groovy-oovy! Totally rad!

Andy: Is that pot I smell?

Applederry: ARE YOU SMOKING POT, FRANCOISE?

Edward: Next episode, "Cool Awesome Radical Tubular Reggae"! Cool!

Applederry: Hey, this stuff's not half bad!

Edward: But Edward isn't smoking it…

  
Applederry: Shut up, dude. 


	20. Cool Awesome Radical Tubular Reggae

A few reviews!

The Review Guy: Welp, no one knew who the terrorists were, so they didn't have a bounty on them yet. The Mario statue reference is from SimCity. I loved that game!

Katie: That's okay, Ed's hair is red isn't it? A very light red though… I honestly thought it was pink! And Applederry's a perv! Well, kinda…. Hee hee!

NessacusGirl: Yay! Go Ed's mommie! Man, I'm really building up to her coming back, aren't I? ^_^ It'll be great when she finally does! And Faye is all better now, poor Faye-Faye! 

FantasyCat: GO GABBY! Hee hee!

Raigeki Leviathan: Nah, that was when Faye was born. She was frozen in 2010-something. I think.

Blooknaberg: Yeah, poor Faye-Faye… but at least Kikome had a good day! Hmmm… Andy/Faye or Andy/Kikome… hmmm….

---

Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop or any of the characters. Marijuana is bad. Hippies are worse. ^_^ Well, not really. 

Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now.

---

****

BIGGERSHOT- The NEW Show For Bounty Hunters

The NEW Paunch: Hey Judy, know what I'm smoking?

  
Crazy Judy: *gasps* You're smoking pot!

  
The NEW Paunch: That's right! *takes a puff* Man, that's good stuff!

  
Crazy Judy: That's illegal!

The NEW Paunch: So is killing Old Paunch and attacking me every show!

Crazy Judy: Oh yeah…

  
The NEW Paunch: Today's bountyheads smoke a lot more weed than I do! 

*Two pictures pop up on the screen.*

The NEW Paunch: Mary Jane Bogart is the most prolific pot dealer on Mars! She's sold billions and billions of wulongs worth of pot! And hippie guru Nicholas Barrington is her biggest customer!

Crazy Judy: There's a 3 million wulong bounty on them with a 4 million wulong bounty for catching them both!

The NEW Paunch: That means that you get 10 million wulongs for bringing them both in! 

Crazy Judy: Speaking of Bogart, stop Bogarting that joint! *lunges at the NEW Paunch*

"Guess where we're going," Faye said.

"We're going to Pizza Hut! I'm really hungry!" Andy said.

"Yeah, I want a pizza," Applederry said. "And Ed's getting really restless. Think she needs a friend?"

"I'm Ed's friend," Faye said. "Isn't that right, Edward?"  


"Faye-Faye is Ed's best friend, uh-huh!" Edward said. "Ed wants to catch the bounty with Faye-Faye, yep yep!"

"Fine," Andy said. "I'll starve. Because I'm nice!"

Andy began to cry.

---

****

Session 46: Cool Awesome Radical Tubular Reggae

---

The Bebop landed in the middle of a large field. The field was lined with hundreds of strawberry trees.

"This strawberry field seems to go on forever," Andy said. "And I'm hungry!"

  
Andy ran up to one of the trees and began gobbling up strawberries.  


"Uh, Andy," Faye said, pointing at the trees. "You sure this is safe?'

Andy ignored Faye and continued eating strawberries.

"Well, I'm full," Andy said, backing away from one of the trees. "Man, that was a good meal. Oh maaaaaaaaaaaan."

  
Andy began stumbling around.

"Uh oh," Faye said. "Those strawberries are filled with weed!"

  
"Hee hee, Andy's high! Hi Andy!" Edward giggled, waving at Andy. "Hi! High! Hi!"

"We'll go after Mary Jane Bogart. You two can catch the hippie," Applederry said. 

"But I want to catch the drug dealer!" Faye whined. "Oh well, it's not like she's worth more anyway. C'mon, Edward. Let's try to find that hippie."

"Okay," Edward said. "Bye father-person! Bye high Andy-person!" 

Faye and Edward ran off. 

"I'm hungry too," Applederry said. "But I don't want to get high… aw, what the heck."

Applederry plucked several strawberries off of the trees and ate them. Almost immediately, the powerful drug began to take effect.

"Man, what am I smoking?" Applederry asked. "Oh yeah. Pot."

Andy began to laugh.

  
"Hey man, let's go protest against The Man," Andy said. 

"What about the bounty?" Applederry asked.

"What's a bounty?" Andy replied. "Dude, you sound like my mom."

  
"Dude, you suck, dude," Applederry said.

---

Meanwhile, in a deserted crackhouse on the outskirts of the Martian city of Crackton, Mary Jane Bogart was dispensing weed to hundreds of angry protesters.

"Man, I need a joint!" yelled one of the protesters. "Give me a joint!"

"1,000 wulongs," Mary Jane said.

"I'll take it! I'll take it! Give me a joint!" the protester shouted. He grabbed the joint. "Oh no, I have to light it!"

The protester grabbed a gas can and dumped the contents all over himself. He then lit a match and set himself on fire, and then lit the joint with himself.

"Uh, you could have just used the match," Mary Jane said.

  
"Shut up! I need a joint!" the burning protester yelled, running out of the crackhouse. Just then, an old-looking man with long hair pushed his way through the crowd and approached Mary Jane.

"Ah, Nick, my biggest customer," Mary Jane said. "How much weed would you like today?"

"Just five, man. I like to moderate, you know. Peace and love, dude!" Nick said.

"Very good, sir," Mary Jane said, handing the hippie guru five joints. "So, where are you gonna be?"

"I'm just gonna hang out in my hippie tent," Nick said. "Outside the city and all the commotion, man. I heard the protest was gonna turn violent, man."

"You do that," Mary Jane said. "I'm going to be selling weed there."

"See ya later," Nick said, turning to leave. "Peace!"

---

Meanwhile, Faye and Edward had just reached the top of a large hill overlooking the large city where the protest was just about to begin. Faye peered over the hill.

"Nothing much to report," Faye said, taking out her gun. "Wait a second…"

A large ball of fire swelled up in the city. Then, another ball of fire. Faye could see a large crowd making its way through the city.

"Uh oh, it looks like a violent protest," Faye said.

"But I thought marijuana smokers liked peace and love!" Edward said.

"Not these smokers. They like violence and uh… not love. Edward, I want you to stay here," Faye said. "It could be dangerous."

"But you're Edward's friend, Faye-Faye!" Edward said. "Ed wants to go!"

"Look, go in that tent," Faye said, pointing at a large tent that was next to them. "Go in there and take a nap. I'm going down to the city."

Faye ran down the hill. Edward turned toward the tent.

  
"Faye-Faye's having a meanie day," Edward said. "She didn't have to treat Edward like that! Ed can take care of herself."

  
Edward sighed.

"Guess I'd better do what Faye-Faye said," Edward sighed. She walked into the tent.

---

Meanwhile, downtown, the crowd of protesters had run into a police barricade.

"C'mon, fellow weed smokers!" Mary Jane shouted. "Tear it down! They outlawed your weed! Tear it down!"

  
Several police cars rode up to the crowd. Police climbed out of the cars and began shooting the protesters with tear gas and rubber bullets. Mary Jane quickly rolled under the barricade and ran off, leaving the protesters to face the wrath of the police. 

"The man's beating us down!" yelled one of the protesters. "We're doomed!"

"Go Go Cactus Man" began to play. Andy and Applederry rode up to the crowd on Onyx.

"Fear not! We shall spread the ideals of peace and love to the masses!" Andy shouted.

"That's right!" Applederry said. He charged through the tear gas and rubber bullet barrage and began knocking out cops right and left with his fists.

"He's a human monster!" yelled one of the cops. "Let's get out of here!"

The police cars drove off.

"Free weed forever!" Andy shouted, making a peace sign.

"Radical!" Applederry shouted. 

"Radical! Groovy!" chanted the crowd.

---

Meanwhile, inside the tent…

"There's smoke in here…" Edward said, coughing. "Edward can't breathe! The tent must be on fire!"

  
Edward fell to the floor. 

"Wait a second…" Edward said, sniffing the air. "This smoke smells kind of good…"

Edward stood up. 

"Ugh, now Edward feels dizzy," Edward said. She stumbled around, until she fell into the arms of a long-haired man. It was Nicholas Barrington, the same man who had bought the weed from Mary Jane earlier.

"Hey, man, girls shouldn't be in here," Nick said. "How'd you get in?"

"Edward was sent in here by Faye-Faye!" Edward said. "Who are you, and why is it so smoky in here?"

"Uh…. peace!" Nick said, trying to conceal the fact that he had been smoking weed.

"Wait," Edward said. "You're one of the guys on TV! You have a big bounty on your head! You're the weed-smoking man! Bad man! Bad bad man!"

"I have a bounty for smoking weed?" Nick asked. "Man's laws are for men. I am of the jungle!"

Edward giggled.

  
"Edward is from the jungle too!" Edward said. 

"Do you smoke weed too?" Nick asked. "What's your name?"

"My name is Edward Wong Hau Pepelu Tivuruski the 4th, and Edward does not smoke weed! Weed's bad for you! My dad told me!"

"Your dad is The Man," Nick said.

  
"Father-person is cool, but Andy-person is the man!" Edward said. 

"No, I meant The Man," Nick said. "The man who's trying to keep us from smoking weed!"

  
"But smoking weed is bad," Edward said. "Actually, Edward thinks people should do what they want as long as they don't hurt anyone! You've never hurt anyone, have you?"

"No!" Nick said.

  
"Then you can do whatever you want according to Edward!" Edward said. "Edward won't tell anyone you're here, okay? You'd better run or bounty hunters will catch you!"

"Are bounty hunters after Mary Jane too?" Nick asked.

"Yep, she was on TV too!" Edward said. 

"Then let's go warn her too, okay?" Nick asked. "Let's go to the city and defend the ideals of peace and love!"

"Alright!" Edward said. "Let's go!"

  
Edward and Nick ran out of the tent and down the hill toward Crackton.

---

Meanwhile, Faye was hunting all over downtown for the two bountyheads.

  
"I don't like being alone like this," Faye said. "I could be kidnapped or something!"

Just then, the large crowd of protesters led by Andy and Applederry approached Faye.

"What the heck?" Faye asked. "Are you guys undercover or something?"  


"Man, you need to experience things," Andy said. "Like being on weed!"

  
"That was good, dude," Applederry said. "Faye, there's something on your shirt."

  
"I know! I know!" Andy said, raising his hand. "Boobs!"

Andy and Applederry laughed and exchanged a high-five. Faye growled.

"Both of you are high," Faye said. "Great, just great. I'm catching Mary Jane all by myself!"

"Man, you can't catch Mary Jane," Andy said. "She's like the queen or something. God save the queen!'

"You're The Man," Applederry said. "You're just like The Man!"

  
Faye stormed off in an angry rage.

---

Edward and Nick walked up to a small building.

  
"This is where Mary Jane goes when the heat's on," Nick said. "She's probably in here."

"Edward thought you said she was with the protesters," Edward said.

"She's not with the protesters. Hippie gurus know all, man!" Nick said. "All the secrets of peace and love!"

  
Edward and Nick walked inside. Mary Jane immediately confronted them.

"Nick, who's the kid?" Mary Jane asked.

  
"The kid's name is Edward," Nick said. "She's my new hippie Padawan!"

  
"Yep, yep!" Edward said. "Peace! And love! Hippie-person is Edward's cool new friend!"

"Whatever," Mary Jane said. "What are you here for?"  


"You've got a bounty on your head. So do I. We have to leave, man!" Nick yelled.

"We? My weed is here, my money is here… I can't leave," Mary Jane said.

"But we're a team! Peace and love, man!" Nick said.

  
Suddenly, Faye burst into the room. She pointed her gun at Mary Jane's head.

"Freeze!" Faye shouted. "I've got you! And the other bountyhead! I'm gonna be rich!"

Mary Jane turned to Faye.

"So, the first bounty hunter's here," Mary Jane said. "Looks like I'm caught."

"Looks like you're right!" Faye said. 

"Faye-Faye, no!" Edward shouted. "The hippies are Edward's friends!"

  
"What?" Faye said. "Edward, I told you to go into the tent!"

"Edward did. And then Edward met hippie-person!" Edward replied, pointing to Nick.

"Peace, man!" Nick said.

"Enough of this," Mary Jane said. She had snuck up behind Faye. She grabbed Faye from behind and grabbed her gun, then pointed it at Faye's head. "I've got you!"

"No, girl hippie-person!" Edward shouted. "Faye-Faye is Edward's friend too!"

  
"Faye-Faye is girl hippie-person's hostage now," Mary Jane said. "Bye!"

  
Mary Jane dragged Faye out the door and ran off with her.

"That's not cool, man," Nick said. "What about peace and love?"

"Edward's friend hippie-person, we have to stop bad hippie-person and save Faye-Faye!" Edward said. 

  
"Alright! Let's uphold the ideals of-"

"Peace and love?" Edward said.

  
"Yeah!" Nick said. "Let's go!"  


Edward and Nick ran out of the building and followed after Mary Jane.

---

In Mary Jane's crackhouse…

"This always happens to me," Faye sighed to herself. She was tied to a chair.

  
"If you weren't so greedy about catching bountyheads, you wouldn't always be in these situations," Mary Jane said.

"Stop accentuating my character flaws!" Faye yelled. Just then, Nick and Edward burst into the crackhouse.

"Alright, we're going to do a nonviolent protest until you let Faye go! Isn't that right, Edward?" Nick said.

  
"That's right! We're not moving from this spot until you release Faye-Faye!" Edward yelled. 

"Alright, alright, fine, you win," Mary Jane said, untying Faye. "I hate nonviolent protests! I'm out of here!"

Mary Jane ran out of the crackhouse.

"Wow, that was easy," Faye said. "It almost seemed a little _too _easy…"

---

Outside the crackhouse…

"Whew, I'm glad to get out of there," Mary Jane said. "Those nonviolent protests can go on for days!"

  
Mary Jane turned around and was immediately faced with a large crowd of violent protesters.

"Now you guys are my kinda protesters," Mary Jane said. "The violent kind!"

  
"Mary Jane, you're under arrest," Andy said, handcuffing the marijuana dealer.

"What?" Mary Jane yelled.

"We only _pretended _to get high off those strawberries," Applederry said. "We rock!"

  
"And you're going to jail," Andy said.

"Fellow weed smokers, help me!" Mary Jane yelled to the other protesters. 

"They're too high on weed to notice!" Andy said. "See, that's what weed does."  
  
"It also gets you pregnant and funds terrorism!" Applederry said. "At least that's what TV says."

"TV is wrong," Andy said. "But it's still illegal, and as a cowboy, it's my job to uphold the law!"

Faye, Edward, and Nick stepped outside.

"Wow, you got her, Andy," Faye said. "But how-"

"We were pretending to be high," Andy said.

"You guys suck," Faye said. "Now we can arrest the other hippie!"

"No, not hippie-person!" Edward shouted, stepping in front of Nick protectively.

"Peace and love, baby!" Nick said. He raised a joint to his lips and puffed, causing him to disappear in a cloud of smoke.

"Where did he go?" Faye asked.

"Will Edward ever see him again?" Edward said. 

"No," Andy said. "But we'll miss him!"

"Well, you'll miss him, anyway," Applederry said. "None of us ever even got to know him."

---

Back aboard the Bebop…

"Edward still misses hippie-person," Edward said. "But Faye-Faye's still here!"

"Yeah," Faye said. "Thanks for helping me out back there, Edward!"

"That's what friends are for!" Edward said. "Yep!"

"Hey, where's all the smoke coming from?" Andy asked.

"I know," Faye said. "It smells like… weed!"

"Hippie-person!" Edward yelled. She ran into the next room and saw Applederry lighting up a joint. "Father-person?"  


"Uh oh, spaghetti-o's!" Applederry yelled.

"That's not funny," Edward said.

__

See you, stoned cowboy…

---

Applederry: Duuuuuuuuuude….

  
Faye: Stop that. You're starring in the next episode.

  
Applederry: Oh yeah! In the next episode, I enter the Solar System Kickboxing Championships and try to win for the 18th straight time!

Edward: Go father-person!

  
Faye: Ed, he loves his trophies more than you…

Andy: Also, I'll be entering! And I'll win, because I'm Cowboy Andy!

Jet: I'll win, because I'm a cop!

Gabby: Go Jet!  


Applederry: So many contenders, but I'll beat them all! Next episode, "Kicka Kung-Fu Fighting!"  
  
Edward: Edward is fast as lightning!

Applederry: Can you even enter?


	21. Kicka KungFu Fighting

A few reviews!

Katie: Parental controls, eh? What word set it off? Was it marijuana? Lousy AOL can't tell the difference between bashing marijuana and promoting it… I hope you were able to read the chapter anyway!

IluvRikku: Yeah, that flu is going around… hopefully you get better soon! Thanks for reviewing!

Raigeki Leviathan: Yep, only 6 left! But they're all very very good chapters! Well, maybe anyway.

NessacusGirl: Peace! Welp, Ed's mom will probably be different than she was in Blookie's story! Yep, Applederry was pretending. Of course, he did smoke weed at the end… and The Man is like authority! The police or the government! Yep! Applederry and Jet and maybe Andy and MAYBE Edward! She might be able to enter, or maybe not. Hmmm…

---

Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop or any of the characters. Just because you see kickboxing in this chapter does not mean that I am advocating in any way kicking your friend in the nads. So don't, okay? 

Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now.

---

"They're beautiful. 23 in all! Ha!"

Applederry stood proudly in his room, admiring his 23 Kickboxing Championship trophies. Edward walked in.

"Hello, father-person! Wow, you sure have a whole lot of trophies!" Edward said.

"Of course I do," Applederry replied. "You know, son, you could be a kickboxing champ too!"

"I'm your daughter, father-person," Edward said.

"Well, anyway, today is the big day. I'm going for my 24th consecutive kickboxing championship!" Applederry declared.

"Can Edward come too? Please? With a cherry on top?" Edward pleaded.

"Yeah, sure, whatever," Applederry said. "You can watch."

"Ed wants to compete!" Edward said.

"Wha?" Applederry stammered.

---

"I can't believe we're going to this dumb kickboxing thing," Faye groaned.

"It'll be fun! I'm going to enter," Andy said. "And you know how criminals always like to compete in these things."  


"Ooooh! Bountyheads!" Faye said. "You know, maybe I'll enter too. Just for fun, of course."

"There's a five million wulong grand prize," Andy said.

"Now I'm just entering for the money," Faye said. 

"That's not a good reason to enter," Applederry said, walking into the room. "Winning is everything!"

"But you're forgetting about the fun," Andy said. "The FUN!"

"Shut up, Andy!" Faye and Applederry yelled.

---

****

Session 47: Kicka Kung-Fu Fighting

---

The Bebop landed in front of the large stadium on Mars that was being used to stage the Solar System Kickboxing Championships. Andy, Faye, Applederry, and Edward walked inside and made their way to the receptionist's desk.

"Hello," the receptionist said. "How many of you will be entering? There are 64 spots and 60 are already filled! You got really lucky! Oh my, Applederry, is that you?"

"In the flesh," Applederry said. "I'm here to win yet again!"

"We'd like to enter too," Andy said. "Faye and me and Edward."

"Hello!" Edward yelled, waving happily.

  
"Sorry," the receptionist said. "No kids. Liability and stuff, you know."

"I don't know," Applederry said.

"If Ed gets hurt, you could sue them," Faye said. "Wait a sec... maybe that would be a good thing. Edward-"

"If you don't let Ed into the tournament, I'll sue you for age discrimination!" Applederry yelled angrily. 

"That's okay, father-person!" Edward said. "Edward will just watch, okay?"

"Not now, son. Daddy's yelling," Applederry said.

"Look, Faye and I are going to the warm-up room to train," Andy said. "We-"

"Faye and _you_?" Faye yelled.

"Well, yeah, I figured that since we're such good friends, we should train together!" Andy said.

"Fine," Faye said. "But if you make any kind of moves on me-"

  
"I'm a wholesome cowboy!" Andy said. "You don't worry your pretty little head, little lady!"

"Don't call me that," Faye said. "I'm a big lady!"

"You're fat?" Andy asked.

  
"Grrrr….."

Faye kicked Andy in the groin and stomped off.

"Poor Andy," Applederry said. "I hope I don't have to face Faye. Anyway, I'm going to go train. You find a good seat. Here's 10,000 wulongs!"  


Applederry handed Edward a 10,000-wulong bill and ran off.

"Edward will find a way into the tournament!" Edward said. "Ed will just have to look like a grown-up!"

Edward skipped off happily. 

---

Meanwhile, in the warm-up room, Andy, Faye, and Applederry were training by kicking training dummies repeatedly. 

"Hey you guys!" yelled a female voice from the entrance of the room. "Guess who's here?"

Andy, Faye, and Applederry turned around to see Jet and Gabby standing in the entrance.

"Howdy!" Jet said. "We signed up for this thing a week ago."

"I'm going to kick everybody in the nuts!" Gabby said. "Except for my Jet, of course!"

Gabby kissed Jet on the cheek. Just then, two more familiar faces entered the room.

"Hey, Applederry!" Macintyre shouted, standing next to his wife Stephi. "Remember me?"

"Wow, the gang's all here!" Applederry said. 

"One of us is definitely going to have a real shot at winning this thing!" Andy said. "Isn't that right, Faye?"

"I'm going to win that money," Faye said.

  
"I'm going to win that trophy!" Applederry declared.

"I thought we were gonna catch a few bountyheads," Andy said. "Whatever happened to that? And having fun. I mean-"

Applederry and Faye glared at Andy.

  
"I'll shut up," Andy said meekly.

---

Meanwhile, at the entrance desk…

"I'll look like a grown-up for sure!" Edward said. She was now perched on top of stilts that made her look more than 7 feet tall. "Ed's gonna win, yeah!"

  
Edward stilted over to the desk.

"Hello there!" the receptionist said. "You look kind of familiar. Except you're older. And you're in luck! There's one spot left!"

"Great!" Edward said. "Ed… er, I, would like to sign up, pretty please!"

Suddenly, a man in a black cloak walked up behind Edward. He pushed her out of the way, knocking her to the ground.

"Good evening," the black-cloaked man said. "I'd like to sign up for the kickboxing tournament."

"Sir, you just pushed a woman out of the way," the receptionist said. "That is very-"

The man grabbed the receptionist by her shirt collar.

"I have killed four hundred and ninety-nine people!" the man yelled. "Wanna be 500?"  


"Will I get a prize?" the receptionist asked.

"I guess," the man said. "Wait, no! You won't!"

"Fine, you can sign up," the receptionist said. "What's your name?"

"I am simply known as… The Evil Guy," the man said evilly.

"Alrighty then! You're number 64! Good luck!" the receptionist said cheerfully. The Evil Guy dropped her and walked into the arena. Edward, now off of the stilts, slowly sat up.

"Ed's head hurts…" Edward groaned.

---

In the ring…

"And we're going to have an excellent kickboxing tournament today!" yelled the announcer. "Applederry is going for his 24th straight tournament win, but there are some tough new entries this year! In fact, we have two tough new entries right now! Jet Black is going one-on-one with Stephi Misashi!"

Stephi and Jet stepped into the ring.

"I'm not going to use my metal arm in this fight," Jet said. "To be fair."

"Aw, go ahead and use it!" Stephi said. "I can beat you, metal arm or no metal arm!"

Stephi ran at Jet and began unleashing kick upon powerful kick at Jet's head. Jet raised up his metal arm, blocking them all.

"On second thought," Stephi said, "maybe you shouldn't-"

Jet's metal arm slammed into the side of Stephi's skull, knocking her out instantly.

"Sorry," Jet said. "I told you it wouldn't be fair!"

"And Jet moves on!" the announcer shouted. "Although from now on, it would be nice if he would actually _kick_box. Next fight, The Evil Guy versus Jimmy Tibler! Last year, Jimmy went all the way to the quarterfinals! Let's see how he does this time."

The Evil Guy and Jimmy stepped into the ring.

"Try to kick me," The Evil Guy said. "I dare you."

"That's a trick," Jimmy said. "I know people like you. You're wearing a cloak, which means you're evil, which means you're trying to trick me! And I don't like it!"

"Fine," The Evil Guy said. "Suit yourself."

  
The Evil Guy ran at Jimmy and kicked him hard in the chest. Jimmy staggered back. The Evil Guy spun around and decked Jimmy with a powerful kick to the head, knocking him to the ground.

"I give up…" Jimmy moaned weakly. "Mommy!"

"Wow, this Evil Guy is tough!" the announcer said. "And his cloak looks so cool…"

---

Meanwhile, Andy and the others were watching from the special contestants' area. 

"That Evil Guy looks really dangerous," Gabby said. 

"I recognize him," Andy said. "He's wanted for murder on four planets!"

"He's worth fifty million wulongs!" Faye squealed, jumping up and down. "That's ten times more than the first prize! We have to catch him!"

  
"We may have to beat him in a match to catch him," Andy said. "If I win my match, I'll face him next round. "That could be our chance!"

---

The first round continued. Applederry, Gabby, Macintyre, and Faye all won their matches. Andy, however, was facing a particularly tough first-round opponent.

"Darn it, this guy dodges everything," Andy said, panting heavily.

"I'mgonnawinyesIamyesyesyesgonnawinwoohoo!" Andy's opponent shouted, running around the ring. His hair was very long and disheveled, and his eyes were bloodshot.

"This guy's high on sugar," Andy said. "Particularly Captain McCoffeebeans' Chocolate Covered Frosted Morsals!"

Andy ran at the sugar-high man and flailed wildly at the man with punches and kicks. None of them connected. The man ran up to Andy, hit him in the stomach with a quick rabbit punch, and leapt back. Andy doubled over and groaned in pain.

"Hang in there, Andy!" Faye yelled.

"Faye, you're cheering for Andy?" Gabby asked. "I thought you didn't-"

"Andy's probably tougher to face than the sugar man," Faye said. "I want an easy opponent next round!"

"The winner of this faces The Evil Guy next round," Gabby said. "You're facing me."

"Ha ha, you've gotta face Gabby," Jet laughed. "You're gonna lose. Gabby and I train together every day!"

"That's right!" Gabby said. "Jet taught me karate, and kung fu, and how to cook vichyssoise, and-"

"Could you be quiet?" Applederry said from across the room. "I'm trying to get into my winner's groove."

The sugar-high man hit Andy with quick punch and quick kick after quick punch and quick kick. Finally, Andy collapsed onto the mat.

"Get up!" Faye shouted. "You're our only hope to catch The Evil Guy! Er, I mean, uh… I love you! No, that's not it. Because I DON'T."

"1!" counted the ref. "2! 3! 4! 5! 6! 7! 8! 9!"

Andy started to stir. Then, he collapsed again.

"10!" shouted the ref. "Sambo Sugarton wins!"

"Yes!" Sambo cheered. "IwonIwonIwonandthecowboylostyesyesyesandIoweitalltoSUGARgloriousSUGAR!!!"

"Wow," Jet said. "Andy lost."

---

Andy sat on the ground in the contestants' room, crying.

"That's okay, Andy," Applederry said. "Jet and Macintyre and I won our second matches. We're going to round 3!"

Andy began to cry louder.

  
"Faye and Gabby are fighting," Applederry said. "They're hot!"

  
"Gabby's hotter," Jet said. 

"Faye is way hotter. You're biased," Applederry said. "Anyway, Andy needs our help. He's feeling down! What better way to cheer up then to watch two babes go at it? Right, old chum?"

Andy stood up.

  
"I wanna go home," Andy sniffled.

---

In the ring, Faye and Gabby were both worn out and badly beaten.

"Never knew… you'd be such… a tough opponent…" Faye wheezed.

"You're tough… Faye…" Gabby breathed. "But… I'm… gonna win!"

Gabby ran at Faye and punched at her. Faye dodged the punch and hit Gabby with a weak kick to the midsection. Gabby staggered back.

"Take this!" Gabby shouted with renewed vigor. She stepped forward and punched Faye in the nose. Faye staggered back.

  
"Ow!" Faye yelled. "I'm gonna start to look ugly after this fight! Grrr…"

Faye kicked Gabby hard in the leg, knocking her to the ground. 

"Ow!" Gabby yelled.

"Kick for the left!" Jet shouted. "The left!"

"Alright!" Gabby said. She stood up and kicked at Faye's left side. Faye dodged the kick and kicked Gabby hard in the stomach, knocking her out.

"Faye wins!" shouted the ref.

"Hey!" Jet yelled. "You weren't supposed to dodge!"

"If you wouldn't yell your strategies so loud, I wouldn't have known to dodge!" Faye yelled back. "Idiot!"

"Entering the ring for the final match of the round are The Evil Guy and Sambo Sugarton!" the announcer yelled.

"This'll be easy," The Evil Guy said, walking into the ring. "I'm facing a FREAK."

"HeyI'mnotafreakyouareandyou'regoingdown!" Sugarton yelled. He ran at The Evil Guy and kicked at him. The Evil Guy grabbed at Sugarton's leg, but Sugarton quickly leapt out of the way and ran back, hitting The Evil Guy in the ribs with a kick.

"How did he get so fast…" The Evil Guy said in a puzzled tone. But before he could ponder the mystery further, Sugarton struck with a quick punch to The Evil Guy's cloaked face. Then, another punch. The Evil Guy staggered back.

"YesyesyesI'mbeatinghimnowaitI'mwhoopinghimalright!" Sugarton cheered.

"No, no, you're not whooping me," The Evil Guy said. "Quite the opposite. In fact… 5… 4… 3… 2… 1…"

Sugarton collapsed to the ground.

"Sugar crash…" Sugarton moaned. "My heeeeead…"

The Evil Guy kicked Sugarton hard in the neck, knocking him flat on the ground.

"Wow, did you see that?" Jet asked. "The guy that beat you just got beat!"

Andy whimpered.

"Oh yeah, I guess that makes you look even worse…" Jet said. "Sorry, man."

---

The third round ended with Macintyre, Applederry, Jet, and Faye easily winning their matches. 

"Well, it's you and me in the quarterfinals, old friend," Applederry said, looking at the bracket.

"Wow…" Macintyre said. "Applederry, I can't take away your dream. You go on to the semis."

"Nonsense!" Applederry said. "We've never fought. This is a magical moment! We have to fight!"

"You know that, even though it'll look like I'm giving it my all, I'm subconsciously going to throw the match," Macintyre said.

"Party pooper," Applederry said. "But that just puts me one step closer! Yes!"

The round continued. Jet also won a match and advanced to the semi-finals. 

"Uh oh," Faye said, looking at the bracket. "I have to face The Evil Guy."

"Whoa, good luck, Faye!" Jet said. "You'll need it!"  
  
Gabby giggled.

"Poor Faye," Gabby said. "C'mon, guys! Faye can win!"

Applederry, Macintyre, and Jet looked at each other. Then, they started laughing.

"I'm serious!" Gabby shouted.

"Go, Faye," Andy said in a depressed tone. "Win. Weee."

"Are you still sad about losing in the first round?" Faye asked.

"Yes," Andy said.

"Good!" Faye replied. "Welp, I'm headed down to the ring! Wish me luck… I'll need it."

---

"Dead girl walking," The Evil Guy said as Faye walked down into the ring. 

"Shut up," Faye said. "I have an unstoppable strategy that guarantees my victory."

"And what would that be?" The Evil Guy asked. 

"This!" Faye shouted. She ran up to The Evil Guy and kicked him in the groin. The Evil Guy doubled over in pain.

"Hey!" the ref yelled. "Don't do that!"

"Why not?" Faye asked. She kicked The Evil Guy in the groin again.

"If you would have done that, there would have been no way Faye could have beaten you," Jet said to Gabby. "You should have kicked her in the nuts."

"Jet, I don't think-" Gabby began.

  
"Yeah!" Applederry said. "Faye's beating The Evil Guy all by herself!"

The Evil Guy rolled onto his back and groaned in pain.

"Ha!" Faye said victoriously. "I win!"

Suddenly, Faye was struck from behind by a kick to the head. She collapsed to the ground, unconscious. The Evil Guy, wearing the same clothes as 'The Evil Guy' whom Faye had just KOed stood behind her and laughed.

"And I had an even more unstoppable strategy," The Evil Guy said, pointing to the black cloaked figure who Faye had just defeated. "A robot decoy. Mwahaha!"

"That's not fair!" Jet yelled. "A robot decoy?"

"But wait, he's not through yet!" the announcer shouted. The Evil Guy was stomping Faye into the cold, hard floor of the ring. 

"Bwahaha!" The Evil Guy laughed. "No one trifles with-"

"Go Go Cactus Man" began to play. Andy galloped into the ring on his horse and hopped off.

"You're under arrest for murder!" Andy yelled.

"So you know about the bounty," The Evil Guy said. "I guess you also know about Fighters' Immunity. While in the tournament, I can't be arrested for anything! Bwahaha!"

"Darn it, he got me on a technicality," Andy said. "Well, you'd better stop picking on Faye."

"Fine," The Evil Guy said. He kicked Faye's unconscious body over to Andy. "I'm going to win, and you've already lost! So you won't even get to fight me! Bwahahaha!"

---

"Well, The Evil Guy just won his semifinal match," Applederry said.

"That means that it's you versus me in the semis," Jet said. "And the winner faces that evil dude."

"It's The Evil Guy," Andy said.

"Whatever," Faye said, lying on the couch and healing from her injuries. "Just make sure to catch him once the tournament is over, alright? I want that money!"  


"Faye, I was worried about you," Andy said. "When I saw you get beating up, it made me hurt inside!"

"That's so sweet," Faye said. "You're not just saying that?"

"Nope!" Andy said. "Little lady, you're alright! Little lady?"

Faye had fallen asleep.

  
"You bored her, Andy," Macintyre said. "Wake her up with an egg!"

"That's how he wakes me up!" Stephi said, giggling.

"You guys are gross," Andy said.

---

In the ring…

"Ever since I met you, I knew you were a stupid jerk who sucks," Applederry said.

"And you're an usurper!" Jet shouted.

"What's an usurper?" Applederry asked.

"I don't know, I just liked the way the word sounded. You know-"

Applederry ran at Jet and kicked him in the chest, knocking him back. Jet retaliated by slapping Applederry across the face with his metal arm. Applederry shrugged off the smack.

"Wha?" Jet said. "It usually knocks people down when I do that! Or sometimes, they pass out! I've killed people with this freaking thing!"

"Yeah, but I'm Applederry," Applederry said. "Applefreakingderry. I kicked the holy crap out of Spike, remember? And Spike is the same guy who twice fought Vicious to a draw. Vicious was strong enough to kill Gren, who was able to overpower Faye, who put Gabby out of the tournament, who killed Rick with a Vanterminator, who knocked you out with a sledgehammer."

"Your logic is flawed!" Jet yelled. "By that logic, Western Alabama St., who beat Marquette, who was able to upset Texas, who upset Kentucky, who knocked Duke out of the SSCAA basketball tournament, makes Western Alabama St. the strongest team in the Solar System, which is wrong!"

Applederry punched Jet in the face. Jet screamed out in pain and staggered back, clutching his nose. Applederry struck Jet in the head with a powerful kick, knocking him to the ground.

"Now are you ready to surrender?" Applederry asked.

"Jet, don't give up!" Gabby yelled. Jet stood up.

"As long as I have Gabby by my side, I'll never give up!" Jet declared. "Applederry, just bring it!"

Jet ran at Applederry and kicked him in the head. Again, the kick didn't even faze Applederry.

"I'm a tank," Applederry said. "A big, hulking tank of a man! And you're just a Corvette!"

"I like Corvettes," Jet said. "I want one."

Applederry kicked Jet in the jaw. Jet fell to the ground again.

"Ready to give up?" Applederry asked.

"No!" Jet shouted. He turned to Gabby and pointed past her. "Gabby, look over there!" 

Gabby turned around, away from Jet.

"I give up," Jet whispered.

"Yes!" Applederry shouted. Gabby turned back around. 

"Jet?" Gabby asked. "Why's Applederry so happy?"

Jet began sobbing.

"Gabby, I can't lie to you! Applederry was beating me bad! There was no way to stop him! So I gave up!"

Gabby ran over to Jet and gave him a big hug.

"Aw, it's okay!" Gabby said. "I still love you! You got to the semifinals and that's great! Now let's go home, okay?"

"Alright!" Jet said. "Bye, everyone!"

  
Jet and Gabby walked out of the arena, waving happily.

"Welp, I guess that just about does it!" Andy said. "A happy ending! Now let's go home!"

"Wait!" Applederry said. "I still have to beat The Evil Guy. And we have to catch him. Remember?"

Suddenly, The Evil Guy walked up to Applederry. Applederry turned to face him.

"Alright, you!" Applederry yelled. "You're going-"

  
The Evil Guy removed the cloak from his head, revealing himself to be… Mike Tyson IV!

"I've watched your fight, and I've come to the conclusion that you're a great competitor. You're so great. I idolize you and I want to be like you and you deserve to win," Tyson IV said. "I'm sorry I messed with your friends, and-"

  
Tyson IV immediately tried to bite Applederry's ear. Applederry pushed him away.

"You freak!" Applederry yelled. Tyson IV backed off dejectedly.

"Never mine," Tyson IV said. "Anyway, I surrender. You're the champ, Applederry. And… bye!"

Tyson IV ran backstage.

"He's getting away!" Macintyre shouted. "After him! The tournament's over!"

Andy, Macintyre, and Applederry ran after Tyson IV. However, they quickly lost him in the maze of backstage corridors. 

"Darn it, Tyson got away…" Applederry said. 

  
"They keep getting crazier and crazier, but who would have thought that a Mike Tyson would actually start murdering people?" Macintyre asked. "It boggles the mind."

Just then, a small girl dressed in the black cloak that Tyson IV had worn walked around the corner. She ran over to Andy and the others.

"I'm in the tournament!" the girl yelled. "I'm The Evil Guy!"

Applederry yanked the cloak off of the girl.

"Francoise?" Applederry stammered. "Is that you?"

"Uh… no," Edward said.

"Where's Tyson?" Andy asked.

"You mean the mean person?" Edward asked. "He tried to eat Edward's ear! So Edward had to knock him out!"

Edward pointed to Mike Tyson IV, who was passed out on the floor.

"Wow," Andy said. "We got him!"

  
"And I won!" Applederry shouted. "I won, I won, I won, I won!"

---

Aboard the Bebop…

"I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won!" Applederry chanted repeatedly, holding his 24th Solar System Kickboxing Championship trophy.

"And Edward helped!" Edward shouted. "MacApple and Stephi-person called to congratulate you!'

"Isn't that nice," Faye said tiredly, lying down on her bed. "I wish I could have won. I was so close! My strategy was unstoppable!"

"Don't you worry, little lady," Andy said, patting Faye on the head. "You'll win next time."

"And in 5 years, Edward can enter!" Edward yelled. "And Ed can win!"

"I won, I won, I won!" Applederry yelled.

"He's been doing that for 24 hours," Faye whined. "Edward, when you finally get into the tournament, you have to beat your dad, okay?"

"It's a promise, Faye-Faye!" Edward yelled. "But only if you and Cowboy Andy fall in love!"

"No," Faye said.

__

See you, space cowboy…

---

Andy: It takes a deadly situation…

Crazy Judy: MWAHAHAHA!

Faye: A psycho maniac!

Crazy Judy: DIE DIE DIE!

Applederry: We've been building up to this for the whole series… well, not really.

Crazy Judy: Hello, Clarice!

The NEW Paunch: SOMEONE HELP ME!  


Andy: Next episode, we go after… *gasps* Crazy Judy?  
  
Faye: She's taken over the asylum where they've been keeping her!  
  
Edward: Can Edward tell the people yet?  
  
Applederry: Let the people figure it out.

Faye: Save me, Andy!  
  
The NEW Paunch: Save me first!

  
Andy: Save me from the crazy person!

Faye: The next episode will be insane!

Edward: Can Edward TELL THEM?

  
Andy and Faye: NO!

Crazy Judy: Next episode, "Silence Of The Spam"! BWAHAHAHA!

Faye: Wow, I don't believe it!

Edward: Tell the people!


	22. Silence Of The Spam

A few reviews!

Retro: Well, glad you got to a computer so you could read the story! Thanks for reviewing!

The Review Guy: Maybe… especially if Ness and Lily confessed their love too. ^_^

Katie: What setting do you have on? Kids Only, Teen, Mature Teen? Hmm… sounds fishy. Hope you get your own screen name soon!

NessacusGirl: Hee hee, sugar hyper, yep yep! And go Gabby! And you might like this episode for something besides Crazy Judy! But I won't spoil it yet! And also, I originally had him with 23 trophies, and in the episode preview I forgot.

---

Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop or any of the characters. I also don't own any of the Hannibal reference I'm using. Bwah.

Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now.

---

"Turn on the TV!" Faye yelled.

"Why?" Andy asked.

"I want to watch Biggershot. There could be a big huge bounty, and we could miss it!" Faye shouted.

"I wonder what would happen if the NEW Paunch died?" Applederry asked. "Would the new one be called NEW NEW Paunch?"

"Turn on the TV for Faye-Faye! TV for Faye-Faye!" Edward said, jumping up and down. Edward flipped on the TV.

---

****

BIGGERSHOT- The NEW Show For Bounty Hunters

*Crazy Judy walks up to the camera. However, something is different. Her straight jacket is gone, and instead, she is wearing the blue jacket (with no bra, of course) that she wore for the old Bigshot.*

Crazy Judy: I'm free! Free as a bird! *laughs crazily* And guess what? I'm filming live from the Phobos Asylum, where I've been imprisoned for the last two months! But I escaped!

*A picture of Crazy Judy appears on the screen. Crazy Judy points to it.*

Crazy Judy: The latest bounty… is ME! Mwahahahaha! A billion wulongs for anyone brave enough to come inside this asylum and apprehend me! But all that have tried have failed. I've killed everyone here! And 21 bounty hunters that already tried to catch me!

*Crazy Judy dances around crazily.*

  
Crazy Judy: So come on… try and catch me… IF YOU DARE! Mwahahaha!

---

"A billion wulongs," Faye said. She began to stutter. "A b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-"  


"There's no way," Andy said. "That crazy blonde has already killed a whole bunch of people…"

"I say we go for it!" Applederry said. "I can whoop anyone!"

"And Edward will come too!" Edward said. "Please Andy-person, let's go!"  


"I guess a cowboy has to be brave," Andy said. "And if I don't go, Faye'll probably go by herself and get into trouble and I'll have to save her, so… let's go!"

---

****

Session 48: Silence of the Spam

---

The Bebop landed on the surface of Mars' tiny moon Phobos. The four bounty hunters stepped out of the ship. The huge Phobos Asylum, which Crazy Judy had made her new headquarters, loomed over them menacingly. Thunder and lightning surrounded the huge asylum.

"Edward is scared…" Edward said fearfully.

"Don't worry, son! Your dad will catch the scary crazy criminal and that will be it!" Applederry declared.

"B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-billion d-d-d-d-d-d-dollars!" Faye stuttered. "That money is MINE!'

Andy, Faye, Applederry, and Edward walked into the asylum. Immediately, they were confronted by two corridors, one that went to the left, and one that went to the right. 

"Alright, let's split up," Andy said.

"What do you think this is? Scooby Doo?" Faye yelled. 

"It's kinda like Scooby Doo," Andy said. "I mean, this place is scary. And we have a dog!"

"Edward left Ein in the Bebop," Edward said. "You know, none of us has really been paying any attention at all to poor doggy-woggy…"

  
Andy, Faye, Applederry, and Edward looked down at the floor and groaned guiltily. 

"Right now, we have a crazy criminal to catch!" Andy said. "C'mon, Faye!"

"Whatever," Faye said. Andy and Faye walked down the left corridor.

"Alright, Francoise," Applederry said, turning to Edward. "I'm going to teach you how to beat up a crazy person. Wanna do that?"

"Not really," Edward said. "But Edward will support father-person anyway!"

---

Meanwhile, in the security room, which Crazy Judy had recently converted into a room used for planning schemes of pure 100% California evil…

"I see you, Bebop crew!" Crazy Judy said. "You might be my biggest fans, but now, I'll be your biggest… uh… not fan! Mwahahaha!"

---

Applederry and Edward walked down the corridor of the asylum.

"What if we find that crazy-crazy lady before Andy and Faye-Faye? How will we tell them?" Edward asked.

"Maybe we can drive off without them!" Applederry said.

"That's not right!" Edward gasped.

"I was just joking…" Applederry said. "Man, where are all of the crazy people in here? I wanna beat the crap out of something!"

"That crazy-crazy lady probably freed all of them!" Edward replied. Suddenly, a sparking electrical cord fell down from the ceiling. "Father-person, look out!"

Edward stepped in front of Applederry and blocked her father from the cord. However, Applederry stepped in front of Edward.

"Don't worry, I can beat it up!" Applederry shouted. He punched the cord… causing thousands of volts of electricity to surge through his body.

"FATHER-PERSON!" Edward screamed. Applederry turned toward Edward. His hair stood straight up on end. Edward giggled.

"See, I showed it who's boss!" Applederry said. "What's so funny?"

"Father-person's hair is funny!" Edward giggled. "Cool!"  


"What? What about my hair?" Applederry shouted. He pulled a mirror out of his pocket. (don't ask) "Aaaaaah!"

---

Meanwhile, in the other corridor, Faye and Andy were searching the rooms, looking for any sign of Crazy Judy.

"Didja find anything?" Andy asked.

"No," Faye said. "I found a comb, and that's it."

"Me neither," Andy said. "She's probably in the very center of this place, in a giant maze of some sort."

"A maze? That's stupid," Faye said. "Why would there be a maze in an asylum?"

"Because maybe she built it?" Andy said. 

"She's not Bob the Builder!" Faye yelled. 

"Oooh, oooh, oooh!" Andy cooed happily. He began to sing. "Bob the Builder, can we fix it? Bob the Builder-"

"Andy, why the heck are you YES WE CAN! singing about Bob the Builder?" Faye yelled.

"Because he's cool!" Andy replied. "Bob the Builder, can we fix it? Bob the Builder-"

"Bob the Builder sucks! He YES WE CAN! is just a stupid immature kids show! Anyway, we ought to be working harder to find Bob the Builder! Grr… I mean, we ought to be finding Crazy Judy!"

"Fine, fine," Andy said. "See if Bob the Builder builds anything for _you_."

Faye and Andy continued to walk down the corridor until they reached the end. There, they saw a large metal door marked "SECURITY ROOM".

"Security room?" Andy said. "Hmmm… maybe there are TVs in here! We can see the whole asylum! Crazy Judy can't escape!"

"For once, you're right," Faye said. She pushed the door opened and walked inside with Andy. "Wow…"

Nearly 100 security TVs were mounted on the wall. 

"Hey, I wonder if you can get Jeopardy on here?" Andy asked. "Or Bob the Builder?"  


"No, no, no!" Faye yelled. "We're trying to get Crazy Judy on here. Duh."

Andy and Faye looked at all the TVs, but there was no sign of Crazy Judy.

"That's weird," Andy said. "She's not on any of these… hey, look! Applederry is picking his nose!"

Faye looked at TV 39. Sure enough, Applederry was picking his nose. Edward was picking the other nostril.

"That is pretty funny…but that's not the point! Crazy Judy's gone!" Faye yelled.

"Yeah well…" Andy replied.

"You think she's not even in the Asylum?" Faye asked.

"I don't know," Andy said. "Maybe she's in this room right now!"

"Bingo!" Crazy Judy said. She was standing behind Faye and Andy. Before they could react, Crazy Judy grabbed the two bounty hunters' heads and knocked them together, sending both Andy and Faye into unconsciousness. "Bwahahaha! Bwahahaha! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" 

Crazy Judy walked over to the control panel and flipped all of the TVs to Bob the Builder.

"I love this show," Crazy Judy said. "Bwahahahahaha!"

---

"I can't get it out," Edward said, taking her finger out of Applederry's nose. "Maybe father-person should stop shoving pennies in there!"

"But it's FUN!" Applederry whined. "Well, anyway, let's keep looking for Crazy Judy!"

Applederry and Edward continued wandering the Asylum.

"Help me…" yelled a voice from behind Applederry and Edward. They turned around to see the NEW Paunch crawling on the floor behind them.

"Edward knows you! You're mustache-person! Why are you on the floor?" Edward asked.

"Crazy Judy… she broke loose and beat me up!" the NEW Paunch shouted. "You gotta stop her!"

"We have to stop her?" Applederry asked. "Did you hear that, Edward? A call to action! I get to be a hero!"

"What about Andy-person and Faye-Faye?" Edward asked.

"Screw them! The famous person asked me to be a hero! Do you know what that means?" Applederry shouted.

"Edward thinks it means that mustache-person asked Edward to be a hero sandwich! Hero sandwich! Yummy yummy goooood!" Edward said jubilantly.

"Yes, hero sandwich," Applederry said. "Man, I could really go for one right now. Does this place has a kitchen?"

"We need to stop Crazy Judy," the NEW Paunch said. Applederry lifted him up by his shirt collar.

"I want a sandwich and I want it NOW!" Applederry shouted. "And my son wants something to drink… I think. Franc- er, Edward, what do you want?"

"Millions of peaches! Peaches for Edward! Millions of peaches! Peaches for free!" Edward shouted.

"See, she wants peaches," Applederry said. 

"Peaches come in a can," the NEW Paunch replied.

"I know that," Applederry said.

"They were put there by a man!" the NEW Paunch said.

"Really?" Applederry asked. "Weren't they supposed to gradually integrate women into the workforce? I'M SUING FOR SEX DISCRIMINATION!"

"In a factory downtown," the NEW Paunch said. "And if I had my way, I'd eat peaches everyday-"

"We know everything!" Edward said. "Father-person, we can't go to the kitchen! We have to catch-"

"This way, son!" Applederry shouted, running down a hallway. "The kitchen is down here!"

---

Applederry sat at a table in the asylum's cafeteria, eating a large hero sandwich. Edward sat across from him, eating a giant peach cobbler.

"You were right, father-person!" Edward said. "This is the best meal that Edward has ever had! Mustache-person, you're the best cook ever!"

"Well, I try," the NEW Paunch said, sitting at another table eating a large pizza. "Maybe we really should try and catch Crazy Judy."

"Nah," Applederry said. "Let Andy and Faye handle it. I wanna eat."

Just then, the TV hanging from the ceiling in the cafeteria flashed on. Crazy Judy appeared on the screen. 

"Helloooooooooo!" Crazy Judy said happily. "Guess what?"

"Quiet, guys, she's making an important announcement!" Applederry said.

"Father-person, we're supposed to be trying to catch her!" Edward shouted. 

"Oh yeah, I forgot!" Applederry said. "Thanks, son!"

Edward sighed.

"I've captured two very nosy bounty hunters, and I'll be broadcasting their execution to the residents of this Asylum in ten minutes!" Crazy Judy said.

"Oh no!" Edward shouted. "Andy-person and Faye-Faye!" 

"Don't worry, they'll catch her!" Applederry said.

"Father-person, she caught THEM!" Edward shouted.

"Oh," Applederry said. "Alright! I get to be the hero! Woohoo!"

Applederry ran out of the cafeteria.

"Father-person, we don't even know where Andy-person and Faye-Faye are!" Edward yelled. "Never mind…"  
  
Edward ran after Applederry.

"And you're leaving me here," the NEW Paunch said. "You can't do that! I'm the NEW Paunch! Brand NEW! Well, actually…"

---

Inside the execution room of the Asylum, Andy and Faye were both strapped onto lethal injection gurneys.

"This really sucks, Andy," Faye said. "You got us captured!"

"Me? You're the one with the bad luck who gets captured all the time!" Andy shouted. "And now it's contagious!"

"Contagious?" Faye said. "CONTAGIOUS? Why you…"

"Let's not fight, okay, little lady?" Andy asked. "We need to concentrate on getting out of this."

"For once, you're right!" Faye said. "Actually, that's the second ti- don't call me little lady!"  


"Silence!" Crazy Judy shouted. She held up a chainsaw. "Bwahaha!"

"I thought we were dying by lethal injection," Andy said.

"I don't know how to do that, okay?" Crazy Judy said. "I'm a blonde!"  


"There are a lot of smart blondes out there," Andy said. "Like me, for instance!"

"Really?" Crazy Judy said. "You're smart?"

"No," Faye said. 

"Now girls with purple hair are the dumbest," Andy said. "Purple makes you stupid."  
  
"WHAT?" Faye yelled.

"Really?" Crazy Judy said. "So…"

Crazy Judy pointed to Faye.

"That girl over there is stupid?" Crazy Judy asked.

"Bingo!" Andy said.

"Andy… you… you… you… ARGH!" Faye shouted. She hopped up, breaking the straps that held her to the gurney. "And- wait a minute… I'm free!"

"Eh?" Crazy Judy stammered, turning around to face Faye

"I finally realized, Andy… your mean words helped give me the anger that helped me break free! Now I know what you were trying to do all along by saying stupid mean cowboy stuff! You were trying to make me stronger!" Faye said. 

"That's right, Faye!" Andy said. 

"I love you, Cowboy Andy!" Faye declared. Then, she facefaulted.

"Crap," Andy said. "So close."

  
Faye hopped to her feet.

"I'm gonna kill you, Cowboy Andy!" Faye yelled.

"Oh yeah?" Crazy Judy yelled. "I'm gonna kill you first!"

Judy lunged at Faye. Faye spun around and kicked Crazy Judy to the ground.

"I'm going to give Andy's beating to YOU!" Faye yelled. "Then I'm giving your beating to him!"

Faye ran at Crazy Judy and began stomping on her. Crazy Judy rolled out of the way and stood up.

"Grrr…" Crazy Judy growled, brushing herself off. "I'm gonna kill you, Cowgirl Faye!"

But before Judy and Faye could begin their fight again, Applederry and Edward burst into the room.

"We're here!" Applederry yelled. "I'm the hero!"

"Actually, Faye's the hero," Andy said. "She's whooping Crazy Judy!"

"Faye-Faye's winning! Yay!" Edward cheered. "Andy, why are you tied up? You have to rescue Faye-Faye, not the other way around!"

Judy and Faye ran at each other and began clawing at each others' face with their fingernails. 

"Catfight!" Applederry shouted. "Yes! Yes! Yes!"

Suddenly, Crazy Judy grabbed her chainsaw off of the ground. She slammed it into Faye's face, knocking her to the ground. Fortunately, the chainsaw wasn't on.

"Darn it!" Crazy Judy yelled. She turned on the chainsaw and pointed it at Faye.

"Faye-Faye, no!" Edward yelled.

"I'll save you!" Applederry shouted. He ran at Crazy Judy, but backed off when the crazy woman swung her chainsaw at him.

"Never mind," Applederry said, backing off. "You're on your own…"

"I'll save you!" Andy yelled. He burst free from the table and ran at Crazy Judy. "Wow, I freed myself too! Ha! I'm Cowboy Andy, and I am the man!"

Crazy Judy hit Andy with a kick to the face, knocking him out instantly.

"Oh no…" Faye gasped. Crazy Judy lowered her chainsaw toward Faye.

"I'm going to enjoy this! Bwahaha-"

"Judy, don't!" the NEW Paunch shouted, running into the room. "Remember me?"

"Grrr… it's you! My stupid NEW co-host… I think I'll kill you first!" Crazy Judy shouted.

"Actually, I'm your old co-host!" the NEW Paunch shouted. 

"No you're not! I killed you!" Crazy Judy yelled.

"Chris Jericho IV didn't use his second Dragonball wish. My mom found the Dragonballs and revived me!" Paunch said. "Isn't that neat?"  


"Yep! Now I can kill you again!" Crazy Judy shouted. She ran at Paunch.

"You can change! Be sane! We can host Bigshot again, like always! Please?" Paunch pleaded. 

"Well, since you asked nice…." Crazy Judy said, turning off the chainsaw and dropping it to the floor. "Okay!"

Judy ran over to Paunch and embraced him.

"Will you… marry me?" Paunch asked.

"Yes! Yes yes yes yes yes!" Judy squealed. She kissed Paunch on the lips. "I love you!"

Judy and Paunch turned to the crew of the Bebop.

"Au revoire!" Judy shouted. "Our wedding is… uh… soon! Bye!"

Paunch and Judy walked out of the room, leaving Applederry, Faye, and Edward in shock. Andy sat up.

"What happened?" Andy asked.

"I just lost a billion wulongs," Faye said. "I JUST LOST A BILLION WULONGS!"

Faye burst into tears.

---

****

BIGSHOT CLASSIC- The CLASSIC Show For Bounty Hunters

CLASSIC Paunch: I'm CLASSIC Paunch!

CLASSIC Judy: And I'm Classic Judy! Welcome to CLASSIC Bigshot!

CLASSIC Paunch: Anyway, we just want to thank the crew of the Bebop for getting us back together again!

CLASSIC Judy: Thank you thank you thank you! *kisses CLASSIC Paunch*

"I just lost a billion wulongs," Faye sobbed.

"There there, little lady! There's plenty of wulongs in the sea!" Andy said. 

"Don't call me that!" Faye shouted. "Andy, look… um…"

"Yes, Faye?" Andy asked.

"You're not really a stupid cowboy… you're a cowboy of average intelligence," Faye said. "There, I said it."

"Alright!" Andy cheered. "I'm average! I'm SO average! YES!"

Andy began dancing happily.

"I'm smarter than the average cowboy," Applederry said. 

"You got that right, Yogi-person!" Edward giggled. "Hee hee!"

__

See you, crazy cowboy…

---

Applederry: Jeanine…

  
Edward: Mommy-person!

  
Faye: This is a tale of love lost.

Applederry: I have to find her, I just have to!

Andy: Applederry, are you okay?  
  
Applederry: I loved her so…

Edward: Father-person and mommy-person have to be together, right?

Faye: This may be a bittersweet episode…

Andy: Together, we go looking for the woman that Applederry lost… is she dead?

Applederry: *sobs*  
  
Edward: Mommy?

Andy: Next episode, "Mommy Can't Buy Me Love". This episode isn't funny. OR IS IT?  


Applederry: Well, maybe! You gotta read to find out! *cries* 


	23. Mommy Can't Buy Me Love

A few reviews!

Serila Slash: Basically, this story is the sequel to a story where I wrote and satirized the 26 episodes of Cowboy Bebop. This story satirizes what happens after Bebop.

The Review Guy: Wouldn't want to get Bowser mad, no sir. When Bowser gets mad he does crazy stuff… like teaming up with Mario. Glad you enjoyed my funny lines!

Nessacus Girl: Yes, very very close! But we have to save something for the final epi- never mind! Go Faye/Andy! And Bob the Builder! Can we fix it? Yes we can!

Lady Razorsharp: Glad you liked it! That was actually from Chapter 2! Hee, how ironic that Chapter 22's the episode where they're featured! I kinda thought it was a review for Chapter 22 at first!

Katie: Thanks for reviewing! You were singing the peaches song? What a coincidence! Yeah, Andy and Faye were close…. Faye will like him eventually, I hope! And my Ed ficcy's tentative name is Fantaisie Sign because that's the name of a little-known never released Bebop song that's entirely in French and I'm thinking of having Ed sing it in the story! I'll write it in a few months, I hope you can wait that long! Hee hee! And I'm glad your parental controls let you read this chapter!

---

Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop or any of the characters. Hey, I wonder if I own Ed's mommie? Since she wasn't in the series, theoretically… heh, since so many other people have her in their stories I guess I don't own her. Bleh.

Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now.

---

Applederry sat in his room, looking at an old picture of his wife, Jeanine.

"It's been seven years," Applederry sighed. "I wish I could see you again!"

Edward walked into the room. She sat next to her father and smiled.

"What'cha lookin' at, father-person?" Edward asked.

"I'm just looking at an old picture of your mother and remembering times when I used to be happy," Applederry said sadly.

"Edward thought you were happy, father-person!" Edward said. "Just yesterday, you were dancing around like a crazy happy person and yelled and cheering about how happy you were!"

"Well, yeah, but-"

  
"And you beat Faye-Faye at strip poker!" Edward said. Applederry laughed.

"Yeah, she was so mad about having to take off her bra," Applederry chuckled. 

"Are you looking at mommy-person?" Edward asked. 

"Yeah," Applederry said. "Don't you miss her?"

"Edward doesn't know anymore," Edward said.

"You know what?" Applederry asked. "One of these days, I'm going to find out where mommy went."

"Really? Can we do it today?" Edward pleaded.

"Well, I guess so," Applederry said. "Faye said she never wanted to play strip poker with me again. Let's go!"

---

****

Session 49: Mommy Can't Buy Me Love

---

****

BIGSHOT- The CLASSIC Show For Bounty Hunters

CLASSIC Paunch: Well, amigos, it's been fun…

CLASSIC Judy: But because we made love on camera last episode, they've decided to cancel us.

CLASSIC Paunch: I know! That's unfair!

  
CLASSIC Judy: But we do have one last bounty for you all to catch!

*A picture of a very large-breasted woman appears on the screen.*

CLASSIC Paunch: She's known as the Tomb Raider! Kara Loft has stolen items from hundreds of people's graves!

  
CLASSIC Judy: I'm more well-endowed than her! *takes off her shirt*

  
CLASSIC Paunch: Yeah baby, yeah!

"This Kara Loft sounds really bad," Andy said.

"And it says here that her bounty is up to 300 million wulongs!" Faye said. "Guess what we're doing today?"

"Playing video games?" Andy replied.

"Andy, that wasn't even funny," Faye said. "We've got a tomb raider to catch!"

---

__

"Applederry, dear?" 

Applederry turned around. He stood face-to-face with a beautiful woman with long, flowing red hair. She had a pale, white face, and she wore a beautiful white dress. Her stomach was slightly enlarged.

"Yes, Jeanine?" Applederry asked. "What is it, my dear?"

"What do you think we should name our daughter?" Jeanine asked. 

"I've narrowed it down to three names," Applederry said.

"Run them past me," Jeanine replied

"Marie, Francoise, and…"

"And what?" Jeanine asked.

"Cinnamon," Applederry said. "What do you think?"  
  
"Cinnamon?" Jeanine replied. 

"I love cinnamon on everything. Toast, fruit, pizza, you name it," Applederry said. "What name do you have for her?"

"I was going to call her Edward," Jeanine said. "Well, actually, if she was a boy I would have called her Edward, but after the doctor learned she was a girl, I couldn't think of any girls' names. Maybe we should still call her Edward! There's this nice lady at the nursing home where I work, and her name is Edward Wong Hau Pepelu Tivuruski the 1st! We should call her that. Only she should be the 4th, because four is my favorite number!"

"Maybe Francoise would work," Applederry said. "It's a pretty name."

"You're probably right," Jeanine said. "Edward is pretty too…"

---

"Edward is a pretty name?" Edward asked, watching Applederry climb into one of the space fighters in the Bebop's hangar.

"Of course it is," Applederry replied. "Well, your mother thought it was. But I like Francoise. Actually, I like Cinnamon more. I could really go for some Cinnamon Toast Crunch right now…"

  
Applederry climbed out of the space fighter. 

"Hey, aren't we going to find mommy-person?" Edward asked.

"Not yet," Applederry said. "I'm going to eat breakfast!"  


Applederry ran back into the Bebop's living quarters. 

"But it's four in the afternoon!" Edward yelled. Just then, Andy and Faye walked into the room.

"Hey there, Edward!" Faye said.

  
"Faye-Faye! Andy-person!" Edward greeted them. "Where are you two going?"

"We're going to Earth to hunt a tomb raider!" Andy said.

"Tomb Raider? Like Edward's video game?" Edward asked.

  
"No, not like Edward's video game," Faye said. "Actually, it is a lot like your video game… right down to the letter…"

"That's not important, though," Andy said. "She's a bad tomb raider."

"Could you two take Edward to Earth?" Edward asked. "Please? Edward wants to find mommy-person!"

"Edward, your mom is probably dead," Faye said. "How long has it been since you've seen her?"  


"Seven years," Edward said. "But that's not that long! Edward knows that somewhere, Ed's mommy is alive!"

"Well, okay, we'll take you along," Andy said. "But don't get into trouble, okay?"

"Edward promises to be good!" Edward said.

  
"Then let's go!" Andy said. Andy hopped into the Ten Gallon, while Faye and Edward climbed into the Redtail. Then, the two space fighters took off into space. Meanwhile, Applederry had just finished his afternoon breakfast. He walked into the hangar.

"Okay, I'm full, let's go, Francoise!" Applederry said. "Francoise? Edward? You here? Oh crap!"

---

__

"Isn't she beautiful?" Jeanine asked, cradling a small red-haired baby in her arms.

"She is," Applederry said. "I think she'll grow up to be just like you!" 

"Aw, I wouldn't say that," Jeanine said. "She'll be even more beautiful than I am!"  


"All the boys will be after her," Applederry said.

"Guess you'll have to chase them all away, huh, mister kickboxing champion?" Jeanine said.

  
"Yeah, guess I will!" Applederry said proudly. "My family is wonderful!"

---

The Ten Gallon and the Redtail landed on the surface of Earth, in a small village. Andy, Faye, and Edward climbed out of the space fighters.

"Alright, Onyx," Andy said. "You can come out now."

  
The trunk of the Ten Gallon popped open. Onyx rolled out of the trunk and stood up on its four legs.

"Andy, how did you train it to do that?" Faye asked in astonishment.

"I honestly don't know!" Andy said.

"You honestly don't know anything," Faye replied. "Let's go find that tomb raider."  


"Maybe Edward should have told father-person she was leaving," Edward said.

"He'll figure it out soon enough," Faye said. 

"Yeah, he's a smart guy," Andy said. "Wait, no he's not! We'd better call him!"  


Andy, Faye, and Edward ran into one of the houses in the village. Inside the house, the family that lived there had just sat down to eat. Naturally, they weren't very happy about having their dinner interrupted.

"Hey!" yelled a large, muscular man sitting at the table. "What the heck are you doing in here?"

The man reached under the table and took out a large shotgun.

"Shoot 'em! Shoot 'em!" chanted the three kids sitting at the table.

"Uh, we just wanted to know if we could use your phone," Andy said meekly.

"No!" the man yelled. He pointed his gun at Andy.

"Wait!" Edward yelled, stepping in front of Andy. "Don't shoot! Andy-person is Edward's friend!"

"Radical Edward?" said one of the kids at the table. He was a small boy and he was wearing large glasses. "I'm your biggest fan! You're so hot!"

"Really?" Edward said. 

"What's up, Edward?" Faye asked.

"Well, when Ed lived on Earth, she had a fan club!" Edward said. "Edward remembers now! You're the leader of Edward's fan club!"

"That's right!" the boy said. "Timmy McTim, President of the Radical Edward fan club!"  
  
Timmy took a cell phone out of his pocket and tossed it to Edward.

"And none of this seems weird to you?" Faye said.

  
"You get used to it," Andy replied. "Go Edward!"

Edward dialed Applederry's number.

---

Back aboard the Bebop…

"Where could Edward be?" Applederry asked. "Uh oh! Maybe she was kidnapped!"  


Suddenly, the phone rang. Applederry ran to the phone and picked it up.

"I'll give whatever you want! Give me back my son!" Applederry yelled.

"I'm your daughter!" Edward said. "Hello, father-person! Edward went to Earth with Andy-person and Faye-Faye!"  


"Oh," Applederry said. "I knew that."

Applederry hung up the phone.

  
"Duh, of course she went to Earth," Applederry said. "I am such an idiot!"  


---

Andy, Faye, and Edward left the house and walked off toward the desert.

"Well, that went rather smooth," Andy said.

"If Edward wasn't so cuddly and lovable, Andy might have been shot!" Faye said. "Edward, why couldn't you have been born ugly?"  


Edward giggled.

  
"So, where are we going?" Edward asked. "Edward's mommy isn't in the desert!"  


"But the tomb is," Andy said. "The tomb of King Rich VI, the richest king to ever live."

"Kara Loft has got to be there to rob it, and we're going to catch her in the act!" Faye said. "And then, I'll get three hundred million wulongs!"

"And then we can find Edward's mommy!" Edward said. "Yay!"

---

The Bebop landed next to the Redtail and the Ten Gallon. Applederry stepped out of the Bebop and surveyed the surroundings. It was now late in the evening, and the sky had grown dark.

"Jeanine, I have to find you," Applederry said. "Even if I know that you're…"

---

__

"What did the doctor say?" Applederry asked. He was standing outside of a hospital room that Jeanine had just exited.

"I'm fine," Jeanine said. "Oh, I can't lie to you…"

"Oh no…" Applederry asked. "You-"

Jeanine nodded.

"I have butt cancer, Applederry," Jeanine said. "I have two weeks to live."  


"WHY?" Applederry yelled. "WHY????"  


Just then, a 6-year-old Edward walked up to Applederry and Jeanine.

"What did the doctor say?" Edward asked.

"WHY? WHY????" Applederry shouted.

"Um, Francoise, the doctor said 'Why are you in the hospital if you're perfectly fine!'. Which I am!" Jeanine lied.

"Okay!" Edward said. "Let's go home!"

"WHY?????" Applederry screamed.

---

"WHY? WHY? WHY?" Applederry shouted. "WHY???"

"What?" yelled the live studio audience.

"WHY?" Applederry shouted.

"What?" yelled the live studio audience.

"WHY?" Applederry shouted.

"What?" yelled the live studio audience.

"WHY?" Applederry shouted.

"What?" yelled the live studio audience.

"WHY?" Applederry shouted.

"WOULD YOU PIPE DOWN? PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO SLEEP!" shouted the voice of an angry old man.

"Oops, sorry," Applederry said.

---

Meanwhile, in front of the entrance to King Rich VI's tomb…

"Alright, who's going in first?" Andy asked. Faye immediately ran into the tomb.

"Wait up, Faye-Faye!" Edward shouted. Andy put his arm in front of Edward, stopping her.

"Wait," Andy said. "If we bother her, she'll get mad. She's on PMS."

"Ewww!" Edward yelled. 

"Yeah, eww," Andy said. "Last time she was on PMS, she beat up a bunch of pirates! Remember when Faye beat up those pirates?"  


"No," Edward said. "Edward thought Edward beat up those pirates! No, wait, it was Faye-Faye."

---

Inside the tomb…  


"Alright, tomb raider," Faye whispered, holding her gun in front of her. "I know you're here."

Faye walked down a dark corridor until she reached the tomb's treasure room. When she got inside, she saw a cloaked figure carrying several priceless artifacts. The cloaked figure turned around. It was Kara Loft, the tomb raider.

"Hello," Loft said. "I see you have a gun."

"Freeze!" Faye shouted. "Freeze freeze freeze! Or I'll shoot shoot shoot!"  


"Try it," Loft said. "I'm ready."

Faye began firing shots at the tomb raider. However, she easily managed to dodge all the shots with quick, fluent movements. She somersaulted over to Faye and kicked the gun out of her hand. Then, she flopped to the ground and swept her legs under Faye's.

"Aaaah!" Faye shouted as both of her legs flew out from under her. She crashed to the ground, landing on her back.

"Gotcha," Loft said, crawling on all fours and crouching over Faye.

"You'd better not mess with me," Faye said. "I'm on PMS."

"So am I," Loft growled.

---

"She's sure been in there for a while," Andy said. "Five whole minutes!"

"Faye-Faye?" Edward shouted. "Are you-"

The door to the tomb opened, and a bound and gagged Faye was tossed out. She landed on the cold, desert ground with a very angry look on her face.

"Lemme guess," Andy said. "You found the tomb raider?"

Faye nodded meekly.

"If I take off the gag, are you going to yell at me?" Andy asked. Faye nodded angrily.

"Andy-person, the mean tomb raider lady is still in there!" Edward yelled. "Get her!"

"Well, alright," Andy said. "I'm going in!"  
  
Andy ran into the tomb. 

"Okay, Faye-Faye, Edward will help you! Oh wait, Edward just remembered! Edward needs to find mommy-person! Will Faye-Faye be okay?" Edward asked. 

Faye growled angrily.

"Great!" Edward said. "Bye, Faye-Faye!"

  
Edward ran off.

---

Inside the tomb…

"Now to get out of here," Kara Loft said. She was carrying a large pile of ancient artifacts. 

  
"Stop right there, criminal!" Andy shouted. "You're going down! Because I'm Cowboy Andy!"

"I beat your friend," Loft said. "What makes you so sure you can beat me?"  


"Nothing!" Andy shouted. "But I'm gonna give it the old college try anyway!"  


Andy ran at Loft and kicked her in the head, knocking her back. She somersaulted backward to keep her balance, then ran at Andy and punched him in the nose.

"Ouch!" Andy shouted. "Take this!"

  
Andy leapt up and kicked at Loft again. She ducked under the kick and rolled under Andy's legs, then kicked him in the back, knocking him to his knees.

"Sorry I can't stay, but I've got a plane to catch! Actually, I don't. But it's a really good excuse! So long, sucker!" Loft shouted. She ran out of the tomb and into the night. Andy stood up and shook his fist.

"You won't get away with this!" Andy shouted. "Because I am- oh, just screw it. I just got beat by a GIRL!"

---

Applederry ran through the desert.

"Jeanine's tomb is out here," Applederry said. "I'm depressed…"

Applederry spotted a tomb. He ran over to it, only to find out that it was the tomb of King Rich VI.

"Crap," Applederry said. "Jeanine's tomb is the next one over. Well, I guess-"

"Mmmph!" Faye shouted. Applederry looked down to see Faye, who was still bound and gagged.

"What happened to you?" Applederry asked. "Did Andy get weird all of a sudden?"

Applederry freed Faye from her bonds. She climbed to her feet.

"Andy didn't get weird, but he's gonna get hurt!" Faye yelled. "He sent me alone after a dangerous criminal!"  


"What was the criminal like?" Applederry asked.

"She was quick and nimble and physically strong!" Faye yelled. "She caught me totally off-guard!"

"I see," Applederry said. "Where's Andy now?"

"He went into the tomb to fight her," Faye said. 

"Oh," Applederry said. "Welp, I'm going to find my dead wife now. Tell me who wins, k?"

Applederry ran off.

"Oooh, you!" Faye shouted. Just then, a bruised-up Andy limped out of the tomb, rubbing his back.

"She got away," Andy said. "But at least I didn't get totally embarassed like you did! Ha ha!"

"Andy, that's not nice," Faye said. "I'm gonna beat you up!"

Faye began punching Andy repeatedly. Andy sighed.

"What's wrong?" Faye asked. "Usually, you at least say 'ow'."

"I got beaten up by a girl," Andy said. 

"Oh yeah, I saw here come out of there," Faye said. "She was kind of limping, actually! You did beat her up a little!"

"Really?" Andy said.

"No, I'm just trying to make you feel better," Faye said. "Now, why is that?"  


"I think you like me, Faye!" Andy said.

"I think I do!" Faye said. "Andy, I love you!"

Faye facefaulted.

"NOT AGAIN!" Andy shouted. "WHY? WHY????"

"HEY, PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO SLEEP!" yelled the angry old man.

---

At Jeanine's tomb…

"My darling wife, I miss you so," Applederry said, staring at the outside of Jeanine's tomb. "WHY? WHY????"

Edward ran up to Applederry.

"Father-person!" Edward shouted. "What's wrong?"

"Oh, uh…" Applederry stammered. "You see, Edward…"

"What's the tomb say?" Edward asked. She turned around to face it. The tomb read:

__

Jeanine Appledelhi

2036-2064

Beloved wife, beloved mother

"That's mommy-person's name," Edward said. Edward gasped. "Oh no! That's mommy-person's tomb!"

"Uh, yeah," Applederry said. "It's in case she died. But she's still alive! As a change of subject… isn't my name cool? Applederry Appledelhi! Apple apple apple!"  


"Father-person, Edward isn't stupid," Edward said. "Oh, poor mommy-person!"

  
Edward began to cry.

"Can Edward see mommy one last time? Her body's in here, right?" Edward said, crying.

"Yes," Applederry said. "Let's go."

  
Applederry and Edward walked into the tomb. They walked down a short corridor. Then, they arrived at the main room, where Jeanine's body was. 

"Okay, Edward, are you ready to see your mom?" Applederry asked. "If you don't want to, that's okay."

"Yes," Edward sniffled. She walked up to the glass case containing Jeanine's body. "Mommy…"

  
Edward looked down into the case.

"Hey!" Edward yelled. "No one's in here!"

"Wha?" Applederry said. "That's ridiculous!"

Applederry walked over to the case. Sure enough, there was no body inside.

"Look!" Edward yelled, pointing at the corner of the room. "Someone's here!"

The black-cloaked figure standing in the room turned around to face Edward and Applederry.

"You must be the criminal!" Edward yelled. "You're the tomb raider! Like in the video game! You tied up poor Faye-Faye!"

"What in the blue hell have you done with my wife's body, you sick fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffreak?" Applederry yelled. "I'm gonna make you smell what The Rock is cookin'!"

Applederry ran at Kara Loft and threw a punch at her. Loft ducked under the punch and kicked Applederry in the back. Applederry stumbled forward, but quickly spun around and kicked Loft hard in the stomach. She stumbled back, giving Applederry enough time to hit her square in the face with a punch. The tomb raider stumbled backward, then fell onto the ground, landing flat on her bad.

"Yay! Father-person beat up the tomb raider!" Edward shouted. Applederry walked over to her. She stood up weakly.

"I can't believe it," Loft said. 

"You can't believe I beat you?" Applederry asked. "I'm the 24-time Kickboxing champion of the Solar System!"

"I can't believe… that I found you at last," Loft said. She removed the cloak from her head.

"Oh my God," Applederry said. "What the FOU?"

The woman that stood in front of Applederry had a beautiful face with long, red hair. 

"Applederry, it's me," the 'tomb-raider' said. "Jeanine."

"Mommy-person?" Edward said, looking up at Jeanine. "Edward thought you were dead! But you're alive! Edward is so happy!"  


Edward leapt into Jeanine's arms. Jeanine embraced Edward.

"I'm so happy to see you again, my darling Edward!" Jeanine said.

  
"You remembered Edward's name!" Edward said.

"Well, I figured that you'd eventually name yourself that!" Jeanine said. "Mother's instinct and all."

"Wait a second, you said you had butt cancer!" Applederry said. "You died! You put me through all that sadness and pain! WHY? WHY????"

"Applederry, you know darn well why," Jeanine said. "You cheated on me! I was going to kill myself, but I decided to fake my own death to teach you a lesson! And come on. Butt cancer? How dumb do you have to be to believe that."

"I'm so, so, so sorry!" Applederry said. "Please forgive me?"

"Well, since you asked nicely… okay!" Jeanine said. "But if you ever cheat on me again, I'll have you castrated!"  


"Ooh la la," Edward said. 

"Why did you become a tomb raider?" Applederry asked.

"It sounded fun!" Jeanine said. "Just like the video game! Remember the video game, Edward? I even took the main character's name! Well, I did switch it around a bit, but-"  


"Yeah!" Edward said. "Mommy's a video game character!"

Applederry, Edward, and Jeanine laughed.

---

Back aboard the Bebop…

"Three hundred million wulongs," Faye sighed. "If only I could have beaten that tomb raider…"

"I couldn't beat her either," Andy said. "Well, we loaded up the Redtail and the Ten Gallon, but we can't take off until Applederry gets back…"

  
Just then, Edward ran into the room happily.

"Guess what?" Edward shouted.

"Oh no!" Faye yelled. "That steroid-abusing Applederry beat up the tomb raider! ARGH!"

"Nope!" Edward yelled. "But close!"  


A smiling Applederry and Jeanine walked into the room.

"Andy-person, Faye-Faye, meet mommy-person!" Edward said, pointing to Jeanine.

"Also known as the tomb raider," Jeanine said, winking at Andy and Faye.

"Hello there!" Andy said, shaking Jeanine's hand. "It certainly was a pleasure to be defeated in battle by someone such as yourself!"

"And I guess I enjoyed being utterly embarassed," Faye said. "Wait, no I didn't!"

"Anyway, Jeanine and I are going to start a new life on Mars," Applederry said. "Jeanine has her own ship."

"Edward, you have a decision to make," Jeanine said. "You can live aboard the Bebop with Andy and Faye, or you can live on Mars with us."

"Well… Edward wants to stay on Bebop for a while! Edward really, really wants to be a cowgirl!" Edward said. "But… Edward will miss you both, very much!"

"Sounds good!" Applederry said. "Well, Jeanine dear, let's go!"

"Alright!" Jeanine said. Applederry and Jeanine hugged and kissed Edward. "Goodbye! Edward, be good for the nice cowboys, okay!"

Applederry and Jeanine turned to leave. They walked out of the Bebop, hand in hand.

"By the way, Applederry dear," Jeanine said. "A nice nun talked to me while I was on Earth. She said something about a girl left at her school by a deadbeat dad?"

"Uh, it wasn't Edward," Applederry said.   


"Good!" Jeanine said. They exited the Bebop.

"Wow, Faye, I guess this makes us Edward's parents!" Andy said. "Now we have to get married!"

  
"Nice try," Faye said.

__

See you, space cowboy…

---

Andy: And then there were three!

Faye: Whoop-de-doo.

Edward: Yay!

Andy: It's time to get down with the Brown! Leroy Brown that is! I'm going back to the Oniyate Ranch for a final showdown with my rival!

  
Faye: It's gonna rock… wait, no it isn't.

  
Andy: Catherine is in big trouble, and I have to save her! That Leroy Brown torched my town!

Edward: Beat him, Andy-person!

Andy: Next episode, "Showdown With The Brown"! Don't you dare miss it!

  
Faye: Our 50th episode!

  
Edward: Can we have a party? Can we show clips?

Faye: We're not the Simpsons.

  
Edward: Aww….


	24. Showdown With The Brown

A few reviews!

NessacusGirl: I love ya too, Gabby! And I just got your e-mail! I'll try to reply as fast as I can but it might take me until next week! And I bet there are a bunch of online Edward fan clubs! Hee, PMS… and bad bad Applederry! He's like dang ol' Boomhauer! ^_^

The Review Guy: Yes, poor, poor facefaulting Faye and poor poor Andy! Andy's kinda manipulative, isn't he? Or is Faye? Hmm…

Katie: Okay, I hope you can wait! Hee hee! Taider… tator! French fried taters! Hee hee! Jamaican Sunrise? How sweet! ^_^ I don't know why I named him Timmy McTim. It's hard coming up with funny names… and yeah, cancer isn't funny… but I don't think anyone has butt cancer… do they? Oh well. It's my zodiac sign too actually! Yep, Edward's mom is pretty forgiving! I hope Applederry doesn't cheat again. Oooh, yes, dramatic showdown coming up this chapter! Thank you very very much for the kind review! Sorry about cancelling Biggershot… and I'm glad you like my stories so much! There are other reasons to stay at FF.net though! Like Gabby and Blookie's stories!

---

Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop or any of the characters. Catherine is mah property! Get offa mah property! *takes out a boomstick* Don't make me warns ya again!

Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now.

---

Andy, Faye, and Edward sat on the couch in the Bebop's main room, watching a big-screen TV. They were watching the new reality show, _Joe Millionaire's Survivor Boot Camp Idol_.

---

"Alright, I'm going to tabulate the votes," said the show's host, Jeff Probst IV. "Once the votes are counted, the decision is final, and the person with the most votes has to do push-ups while being berated by Simon and lied to by a hobo.

The show's five remaining contestants cringed nervously.

"I know I'm going to get voted out," said a tall man who was wearing a dress. "It's because I'm gay! Oh, I hope Joe likes me…"

Joe Millionaire IV, sitting at a table between Simon Cowell IV and an angry-looking drill instructor, winked at the man.

"First vote… Chris," Probst IV said. The tall man wearing the dress began to cry.

"That vote wasn't even for you," said a muscular man sitting next to the tall man. "I'm Chris, remember?"

"I love you, man!" Chris shouted.

---

****

Session 50!!!: Showdown With The Brown

---

"Hee hee," Edward giggled. "They're such a cute couple!"

"I love this show," Andy said. "It's my favorite show!"

"I want to watch basketball," Faye grumbled.

"Why?" Andy asked.

"Because then, you wouldn't get to watch this. Ha!" Faye replied. Suddenly, the Bebop's phone rang.

"Not in the middle of my show…" Andy sighed. He picked up the phone. "Yes?"

"Bad news, Andy," said the voice on the other end of the line. Andy recognized it immediately.

"Hey, it's Jim! My old friend from Harvard!" Andy said.

"You went to Harvard? I don't believe that," Faye said.

"Andy-person is a smarty-pants!" Edward said.

"My parents had a lot of money! Only the best for Andy Oniyate!" Andy said proudly. "I flunked out in the first two months."

"Andy, bad, bad, BAD news. You sure you wanna hear this?" Jim asked.

"Maybe I don't," Andy said. "Bad news scares me!"

"Let me hear it then," Faye said, grabbing for the phone.

"No, that's okay!" Andy shouted. "Grabby. The phone is mine!"

"This news is bad, I'm telling you," Jim said. "You don't have a gun in your hand, do you? If you did, you'd probably commit suicide after hearing this news."

"I've got a gun on my belt," Andy said.

  
"Get rid of it," Jim said. "Because this news is BAD."

Andy took the gun out of his holster and handed it to Edward.

"Edward, take good care of this," Andy said, handing the gun to Edward.

"Andy, we can't give Edward a gun!" Faye yelled.

"That's okay!" Edward said, taking the gun. "Edward will be very, very careful!"

"Alright," Andy said. "Jim, I'm ready to hear the bad news."

"Andy, Leroy Brown attacked Deimos," Jim said. "Particularly, he attacked your ranch and the town next to it."

  
"WHAT?" Andy yelled.

"All of your cattle are dead, and your mansion was burnt to the ground," Jim said.

  
"WHAT???" Andy yelled, even louder this time.

"And the town's been burnt as well. There are very, very few survivors," Jim said morbidly. "And-"

"WHAT?????" Andy shouted angrily. "What about Catherine?"

"What _about _Catherine?" Faye asked in a rather jealous tone.

"Leroy's kidnapped her," Jim said.

"WHAT???????" Andy yelled. 

"Geez, you sound just like that Stone Cold Steve Austin IV guy. Remember him?" Faye asked.

"Not really," Edward replied. "Edward's sure he was a nice guy, though!"

"How do you know all this stuff?" Andy asked.

"Simple," Jim said. "Because I helped him! I'm Leroy Brown's newest lackey! Mwahahaha!"

The phone went silent. 

"What was it, Andy-person?" Edward asked. "You look awfully angry…"

"It's nothing," Andy said. "Actually, it is something. My best friend from college is Leroy Brown's lackey."

Faye and Edward gasped.

"How could any friend of Andy-person's help that bad man?" Edward replied. "Edward will help beat him! Edward will defeat him!"  


"Is that it?" Faye asked.

"No," Andy said. "It seems that Leroy Brown torched my ranch, my mansion, and my town. He killed almost everyone and he kidnapped Catherine."

"Oh, that's why you mentioned Catherine," Faye said. "We have to help her! Wait, no we don't… well, unless you're not her girlfriend…"

"I can't believe that scoundrel Leroy Brown kidnapped my first girlfriend," Andy muttered. "We have to stop him!"

Andy ran toward the cockpit. 

"We're going to Deimos!" Andy declared. He continued to run toward the cockpit, but stopped suddenly.

"What's wrong?" Faye asked.

"Applederry was the pilot," Andy said. "I don't know how to-"

"Edward will handle it!" Edward said, running into the cockpit. Within minutes, the Bebop had arrived on Deimos.

  
"Go, Edward!" Faye cheered.

---

Meanwhile, at Leroy Brown's new hideout in a large castle on Deimos…

"Good thing you went to Harvard," Leroy Brown said, facing his new lackey Jim. "And it's a really good thing that they changed from a school of law to a school of rapid architecture in 2004! Otherwise, you wouldn't have been able to build this castle so fast!"

"And it's impenetrable," Jim said. "Andy will never get in!"

"Bwahahaha!" Leroy laughed. "Bwahaha- you're not laughing, Jim!"  


"Um… bwaha," Jim laughed. "Ha ha bwahaha. Ha ha."

"With spirit!" Leroy shouted. He pointed his gun at Jim and shook his fist. "With spirit!"

---

The Bebop landed on Deimos. However, as Andy, Faye, and Edward stepped out of their ship, they could already tell that the tiny satellite was a changed place. Several fires had flared up in the distance, and lightning crackled in the sky.

"Wow, Deimos is cooler than when we came here last time," Faye said. "Fire and lightning… this place rocks!"

  
"How could you say that, Faye?" Andy yelled. "All my friends are dead! Wait, I didn't really know anyone living here. You and Edward and Jet and Gabby and Macintyre and Stephi and Kikome and Catherine are my real friends. Wait, one of my friends is dead."

  
Faye began sobbing.

"Spike!" Faye cried.

"Let's go catch that meanie Leroy Brown, okay?" Edward said.

"That's just what I wanna do!" Andy said. "You can read me like a book, Edward! Let's go! Wait a second… where are we going?"

Faye, however, had already taken off toward one of the fires. Edward was following her.

"Never mind," Andy sighed. He ran off after Faye and Edward.

---

  
Andy, Faye, and Edward ran through the dilapidated entrance of Oniyate Town. All of the buildings were either on fire or had already been burnt down. Dead bodies littered the streets.

"Geez, this is awfully morbid for a wholesome cowboy like me," Andy said as he stumbled into the destroyed town.

"What happened here?" Faye asked. "Oh yeah, Leroy Brown burned it down."

"Hee hee, Faye-Faye made a rhyme! She makes one every time!" Edward laughed.

"There's nothing funny about this!" Andy shouted. "Onyx, come forth!"

A galloping noise could be heard in the distance. Onyx ran through the entrance of the town. 

"Onyx, bring all these poor people back from the dead!" Andy shouted. Onyx neighed. "Oh, right, I remembered… Onyx can't revive people."

"Duh," Faye said. "So, what do we do now?"

"We take it right to Leroy! Right where it hurts!" Andy shouted.

"You're gonna kick him in the nuts?" Edward asked. "Edward doesn't think that'll work…"

"I meant that we were going to storm his castle," Andy said. "Let's go!"

---

Outside of Leroy's huge castle, which was surrounded by hundreds of armed guards…

"You were going to do what, Andy?" Faye asked.

"Shut up, little lady," Andy said. "How was I supposed to know that Leroy's castle would be surrounded. I just thought that LEROY would have the BALLS to FIGHT me MAN TO MAN like a REAL MAN!"

---

Up in Leroy's throne room…

"What is he yelling?" Leroy asked.

  
"I think he wants to do you, sir," Jim said.

"Really?" Leroy replied.

---

"We'll never get in there," Andy said. "Catherine needs me, and I failed! I freaking failed!"

Andy began sobbing.

"Welp, you freaking failed. Let's go home!" Faye said.

"Wait!" Edward shouted. "Listen! The soldiers are chanting something!"

Andy and Faye quieted down and began to listen to the soldiers.

  
"They _are_ chanting something," Andy said.

"And it's making me hungry," Faye said. 

"Oreo! Yo ho! Oreo! Yo ho!" chanted the soldiers.

"They want Oreos!" Edward said. 

"Of course they want Oreos," Andy replied. "Oreos are good!"

"But where are we going to get enough Oreos to give to the soldiers?" Faye asked. "There must be at least five hundred men! How-"

"Onyx, come forth!" Andy shouted. Onyx galloped up to Andy, carrying two large crates filled with Oreos on its back. 

"Wow!" Edward said in amazement. "That's cooly booly! Hooray for Andy-person and his magic horse!"  


"Guys?" Andy said, struggling to lift the crates of cookies off of Onyx. "Little help here?"

---

  
Five minutes later, the castle's perimeter was completely devoid of soldiers. They had each received enough Oreos to satisfy them, and they had left guard duty to throw a party.

"I told you all they wanted was Oreos," Faye said. "You wouldn't believe me."

"Faye-Faye is a genius!" Edward said, winking at the camera.

"Well, let's go!" Andy said. "Into the castle!"

---

"The guards on the outside are gone, but they're be facing ten times as many guards on the inside!" Leroy yelled. "Bwahaha-"

  
"Actually, I stationed all the guards outside," Jim said. "I figured that there would be no way for Andy to stop the-"

A gunshot rang out throughout the room.

"Stop this, incompetent fool!" Leroy shouted, standing over Jim's dead body. "Bwahahahahahahaha! Bwahahahahahahahaha!"

"That wasn't nice," Catherine said, hanging upside-down from the ceiling by her ankles.

"Shut up, you," Leroy said.

---

Andy, Faye, and Edward walked into the main foyer of Leroy Brown's castle.

"I have to stop Leroy," Andy said. "You two might wanna go back."

"We'd never abandon you, Andy-person!" Edward said. "We'll be with you all the way!"

"I'll never leave your side," Faye said. "Andy… I love you!"

  
Faye facefaulted.

"Thanks, guys," Andy said, a tear coming down his cheek. "You're the greatest! Group hug!"

Andy gave Edward a big hug.

"I said group hug," Andy said. 

"Faye-Faye fell down!" Edward said, pointed at the facefaulted Faye. 

"Edward, you'd better stay here and take care of Faye," Andy said. "I'll come back as soon as I've beaten Leroy, alright?"

"Alrighty, Andy-person!" Edward said. "Go, Andy!"

"Onyx, come forth!" Andy shouted. Onyx ran toward Andy. Andy leaped up and onto his noble steed. Then, Onyx galloped up the stairs toward Leroy's throne room.

"What a glory hog!" Faye said, climbing to her feet. "See if we help _him_."

---

"Mwahaha!" Leroy laughed. "Andy is a coward. He won't show up!"

"You're wrong!" Catherine yelled. "Andy will come for me. He loves me!"

"Wanna bet?" Leroy asked. "One million wulongs says that Andy doesn't show."

"Okay," Catherine said. "You're on! Owie… the blood's rushing to my head…"

"Good!" Leroy laughed evilly. "Bwahaha-"

"Go Go Cactus Man" began to play. The faint sound of a horse galloping could be heard in the distance.

"I win," Catherine said. "Pay up!"

"We didn't shake on it," Leroy said. "Nyah nyah!"

Onyx galloped into the throne room. Andy hopped off of the horse and faced Leroy.

"Andy!" Catherine said happily. "You came for me!"  


"Of course I did, little lady!" Andy said. "I could never leave a damsel in distress!"

  
Andy turned to Leroy.

"So, Andy," Leroy said. "You're finally here."

"Leroy, look," Andy said. "I have something to say to you."

Andy took in a deep breath.

  
"Look, we're both mature adults, right?" Andy said. He took out a piece of paper. "I have a handwritten apology signed by my horse and I, asking forgiveness from you. You see, Onyx never, ever takes a dump in the street like that. I already yelled at him, and he promises never to do it again. So-"

"Save your apologies!" Leroy shouted. "My name is Leroy Brown! You killed my shoes! Prepare to die!"

Leroy ran at Andy with intense fury. He took out his gun and shot at Andy, but Andy rolled out of the way and fired back, missing Leroy by a mile. Leroy ran up to Andy and kicked him in the head, causing him to stagger back.

"Get him, Andy!" Catherine cheered. "Kick his butt!

Andy leaped over Leroy and kicked him in the back. Leroy stumbled forward, then turned around and shot at Andy, shooting a hole right in Andy's hat.

"My lucky hat!" Andy yelled. "Now it has a hole in it. Wait, that makes it a cool hat! Shoot it again!"

"I think not," Leroy said. He staggered back toward the large stained glass window in the back of the throne room. "Come get me, Andy!"

"It's a trick," Andy said. "If I run at you, you'll dodge out of the way, and I'll crash right through!"  


"I would never do that," Leroy said. "C'mon! Don't be a coward!"

  
"You asked for it!" Andy yelled. He ran at Leroy. But just before Andy reached him, Leroy dodged out of the way. Andy stumbled forward and crashed right through the window. He fell backwards toward the ground.

"Ha ha!" Leroy yelled. "You idiot!"

"ANDY!" Catherine shouted. "No!"

Andy continued to fall. And fall. And fall. And fall.

__

"I am an idiot," Andy thought. _"And I wouldn't have it any other way!"_

French french french french 

French french french french

La la la la la…

Doot dee doot dee doot doo

Doot dee doot dee doot doo

La la la la la…

No one knows what this song means

No one really cares

It's supposed to be about a green bird

But no one really cares

*cue beautiful piano solo which makes Bebop fanboys go "OMG WOW THIS SONG IS THE ROXXORS! IT ROXXORS ALMOST AS MUCCH AS FAIE'S BOOBZORS!!!LOLOLOLLOLOLOL!!!"

---

Back aboard the Bebop…

"Wake up, Andy," Faye said, shaking Andy awake. Andy sat up.

"Didn't I fall from a ten story castle? I'm completely unharmed!" Andy said in astonishment.

"Duh," Faye said. "You're Cowboy Andy. It's not like you're Spike or anything."

"Bad man Leroy-person left this note-note for Andy-person!" Edward said, handing Andy a note.

"Come to the town… well, what's left of the town square at high noon. We shall duel with pistols at ten paces. Don't be yellow, or I'll kill Catherine! Bwahahaha!" Andy read. 

"Are you gonna show up?" Faye asked.

"No schlock, Sherlock," Andy said.

"Hee hee, Faye-Faye is Sherlock!" Edward giggled. "Go Andy-person!"

---

In the town square…

"It's 11:59," Leroy said, looking at his watch. "One minute. Bwahaha!"  


"He'll show up! Again!" Catherine shouted. She had been duct taped to the water tower, which was the only structure still standing in the town. Which poses the question… why couldn't the water in the water tower have been used to put out the fires that Leroy set? That question will be answered… never.

"He won't show. I'll bet you… never mind," Leroy said. "He has five seconds until high noon! Five! Four! Three! Two!"  


"I'm here!" Andy said, walking onto the scene.

"I'm killing Catherine," Leroy said. "I said to show up at high noon, not high 11:59:59!"

"My watch says noon on the dot," Andy said.

  
"Your watch can suck my watch's toes!" Leroy replied. "Fine, fine, it's high noon, whatever you say."

"Pistols at ten paces," Andy said.

"You got it," Leroy replied. "Let's go!"

Leroy and Andy stood back-to-back, holding up their pistols. Faye and Edward hid inside a burned-out saloon nearby, watching on nervously.

"I hope Andy survives!" Faye said. "I love him!"

  
Faye immediately facefaulted. Andy and Leroy began walking away from each other.

"1! 2! 3! 4! 5!" Leroy counted. "6! 7! 8! 9!"

Suddenly, a fat, naked man wearing a scarf and a pair of Nike Shox *ching-ching bling-bling! $$$* ran between Andy and Leroy. Andy turned around and immediately gave chase. He dove at the streaker, but the streaker leaped over Andy's grasp and continued running. Leroy tried to dive at him, but the streaker jumped over Leroy. 

"Blimey, look at that!" Faye shouted in an English accent. The man grabbed a nearby horse-hitching post and began spinning around on it.

"This image will stay with Edward for a long time!" Edward said in an English accent. "Scorched onto Edward's retina!"  


The streaker ran off.

"Let's try this again," Leroy said. He and Andy stood back-to-back. "1! 2! 3! 4! 5! 6! 7! 8! 9!"

The streaker ran out onto the scene again. (Isn't it sad that advertising has even permeated the world of fanfiction? $$$)

"Looks like he's got more souvenirs for the crowd!" Faye yelled in an English accent. Leroy and Andy chased the streaker again, but he evaded them and ran for the town entrance.

"And he's off like a bull with gas!" Edward yelled as the streaker successfully evaded Andy and Leroy and ran off into the distance. Andy and Leroy got back-to-back again. They held up their guns.

"1! 2! 3! 4!" Leroy counted. Faye and Edward nervously crossed their fingers. "5! 6! 7!"

"C'mon, Andy…" Catherine whispered to herself.

"8! 9!" Leroy counted.

__

"No streaker?" Andy thought. _"Oh no, I'm not ready!"_

"10!"

  
Andy and Leroy both turned around. Andy got the first shot. Nothing happened.

"My gun's jammed!" Andy shouted. "Oh fudgicles!"

"Ha!" Leroy said. "My gun's not!"

  
"Really?" Andy said. "Let me see."

"Okay," Leroy said. He tossed his pistol to Andy. "But I'm telling you, it's not jammed."

"Sucker!" Andy shouted. He shot Leroy once through the head, killing him instantly. "Ha! Now who's the stupid cowboy?"  


The gun fired again, shooting Andy in the foot.

"Argh!" Andy yelled. He dropped the gun. It fired again, shooting Andy in the other foot. "Argh!"

  
"Now that's comedy," Faye said, giggling like a schoolgirl. "Andy, are you okay?"

"Yes!" Andy declared. He ran up to the water tower, unimpeded by his injured feet. He climbed up the water tower and freed Catherine from the tape, then leaped back down to the ground below, heroically holding her in his arms. "Catherine, are you alright?"  


"I am, thanks to you," Catherine said sweetly. "Oh, Andy!"

---

Back aboard the Bebop…

"So I guess now you and Catherine are going to get married and start a family," Faye said. "It figures."

"Maybe so," Andy said. "But not after Catherine gets finished finding all seven Dragonballs again! She's promised to wish back everyone in Oniyate Town, as well as my cattle!"  


"So you're not going to marry her?" Faye asked.

"Nope, at least not for a year!" Andy said. "Anyway, since I beat my rival…"

  
Edward gasped.

"Is this the end?" Edward asked.

"Yes it is, Edward," Andy said. "It's the end!"

"This sucks," Faye said. "But I guess we had a nice run. Fifty episodes and all."

"It's over," Andy said. "It's all over!"

__

You're gonna carry that weight…

---

Faye: Hah hah, fooled you!

  
Andy: We've got two more episodes to go!

Edward: Tricking our fans isn't nice… 

Andy: We'll make it up to them with… uh…

  
Faye: Next episode, Edward accidentally opens up the gates to Hell!  


Edward: What?

  
Andy: What kind of an episode is that?  
  
Faye: Guess who lives in Hell? Guess! Guess!

Andy: Satan?  
  
Faye: No, better than that! It's… *sighs dreamily* Spike… I'll get to see him again! 

Andy: Hey, who's the grey-haired dude?

Faye: That's Vicious. He lives in Hell too. But Spike will protect me from Vicious! *sighs dreamily* Spike…

  
Andy: Oh yeah, I remember! Spike… he's such a doodyhead jerkwad buttface!

  
Edward: Next episode… *gasps* Edward can't say that bad word!

  
Faye: Next episode, "Dude, We're Going To Hell! (Part 1)" Dude!

  
Andy: It's the beginning of the end, dude!


	25. Dude, We're Going To Hell Part 1

A few reviews! No new reviewers though, only a loyal three!

NessacusGirl: Yeah, Andy and Catherine are great! Kinda like Spike and Julia! But Spike/Faye rules, hee hee! Ewww, Andy/Leroy? Icky! ^_^ And yep, Spike and Vicious return! Yay!

The Review Guy: Nope, never seen Bogus Journey… heard of it though. Is it really like this chapter?

Katie: Yeah! Joe Millionaire's Survivor Boot Camp Idol! The ultimate reality show! Aw, sorry to make you laugh so hard! I guess you enjoyed my chapper though! And I'm glad you liked the Green Bird parody! That song is super cool! And I don't think that streaker was real! Probably not, anyway! Welp, thanks for reviewing!

Trunkz: Sorry bout your computer probs! Thanks for reviewing!

IluvRikku12: This chapter will be good, trust me!

---

Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop or any of the characters. I also don't own Satan. Wait, the Bible is public domain. I don't have to put a disclaimer if I use him! And that means I can kill him off, too!

Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now.

---

Andy, Faye, and Edward were inside a large library on Mars.

"Why are we here again, anyway?" Faye asked.

"We have to further Edward's education!" Andy said. "Now that we're her legal guardians, it's our responsibility to-"

"Can you be her legal guardian?" Faye asked. "My butt hurts."

Edward sat down at a table with a large stack of books. She began reading them.

  
"This book has pretty pictures of cows!" Edward said. "Oooh! This book is really big…"

  
"That's _War and Peace_, Edward," Andy said. "That book's a little too advanced for you…"

  
"And WAY too advanced for you, Andy," Faye said.

"Nonsense! I can read it!" Andy declared. He ran over to the table and grabbed the _War and Peace _book. "Let's see here… crap. Faye, what's this word?"

Faye looked at the book.

"That word is-"

"Wait, don't help me," Andy said. "I can say it!"

  
"Can Edward have her book back now?" Edward asked. Her eyes moved to another book on the table. "Never mind!"

  
Edward picked up the book, a large, black folio with a skull on the front.

"Oooh, scary Larry," Edward said. "_Necromis' Guide To Ancient Evil Spells and Incantations_. Neato!"

"Edward, that book is a bunch of crap, written by a guy who is also a bunch of crap," Faye said. "That book smells of crap."

"Oooh, these words are funny," Edward said. "Incendio Infernius Burnius Vitrious. Edward can barely pronounce them! But they're funny!"  


"See, nothing happened," Faye said.

  
"Don't discourage her," Andy said. "Our Edward's gonna be a powerful sorceress!"

  
Suddenly, a huge red circle of light appeared on the ground next to Edward. Flames poured forth from the circle.  


"Wow," Edward said. "Pretty…"

  
"Aaah!" Faye screamed. "Edward, get away from there!"  


"What is it?" Andy asked. He approached the circle. "Well-"

The circle enlarged, sucking Andy in. He screamed all the way down.

"Andy!" Edward screamed. "Cowboy-person Andy!"

She stood on the circle.

"What are you doing?" Faye yelled.

"We have to save Andy-person!" Edward said. "Faye-Faye, come with Edward!"

  
Edward was sucked into the circle. Faye sighed.

"I have no power, I swear," Faye said. "Everybody pushes me around!"

  
Faye stood on the circle. It sucked Faye in, then disappeared.

---

****

Session 51: Dude, We're Going To Hell! (Part 1)

---

Andy landed in the middle of a huge arena, surrounded by a crowd filled with demons.

  
"Where am I?" Andy asked. "Is this the Super Bowl?"  


"Mwahaha!" yelled a voice from one of the arena's luxury boxes. Andy looked up to see a man wearing a toga and holding a fiddle.

"Who are you?" Andy asked. "And where am I?"

"My name is Nero!" the man yelled. "Welcome to Hell!"

  
"Wha?" Andy stammered. "This can't be… oh poopy!"

The gates of the arena opened. Ten lions came out of the gates and menacingly walked toward Andy.

"Lions?" Andy asked. "Ha! Pathetic! You've gotta do better than that to beat me!"  


"Okay," Nero said. He snapped his fingers, and the lions turned into whiny 60s protesters.

"Hell no, we won't go! The government sucks!" chanted the protesters.

"Yaaaaaaaaah!" Andy screamed in horror. He ran out of the arena as fast as he could and dashed screaming into a large puddle of flaming water. A large red dragon leaped out of the puddle.

"Bwahaha!" the dragon laughed. "I am the dragon of the flaming puddle of water!"

"So?" Andy asked. "Pathetic!"  


The dragon polymorphed into… a naked man.

"Aaah! A naked man!" Andy screamed. "I've gotta find a way out of here! Or at least an information kiosk!"  


Andy dashed away from the naked man as fast as he could.

---

Meanwhile, Faye had landed in front of a large, white building that looked suspiciously like the White House. A sign posted on the building read "HOUSE OF BAD PRESIDENTS".

"Bad presidents?" Faye asked. "This must be Hell! Or Bizarro Washington D.C…."

  
Faye walked into the House of Bad Presidents and found herself inside the main lobby, a large torture chamber. Richard Nixon was strapped inside one of the torture devices.

"Help me!" Nixon yelled. "I'm not a crook!"

"Sure you're not," Faye said. "I know what you did. You lied and cheated and stole. And I'm not going to help you."

"Fine, don't help me!" Nixon said. "But I'll still have everything that's been given to me! And I'll still have an adorable little puppy named Checkers!"

Nixon began to cry.

"No, I won't have Checkers…" Nixon sobbed. "All dogs go to heaven!"  


"Yep, they do," Faye said. "Idiot."

Faye wandered through the rooms of the White House, until she reached a room that looked a lot like a lethal injection room. George Bush Sr. and George W. Bush were strapped to execution gurneys.

"This oughta be good," Faye said. A fat man wearing a cowboy hat danced up to the two Bushes.

"Yeehaw!" the man yelled. "I'm from Texas, and I'm going to execute you guys! With disco!"

  
Disco music began playing in the room. The man took off his clothes and began dancing. The two Bushes screamed in horror. Faye covered her ears.

"This really is Hell!" Faye shouted. "I gotta get out of here!"

  
Faye dashed through the halls of the White House until she reached a large, wooden door. She dashed through the door and immediately found herself inside a large room filled with hundreds of books.

  
"Am I back in the library?" Faye asked.

"You're in the Official Hell Registry," said a voice from behind Faye. Faye turned around to see a winged demon woman, wearing glasses and a dress.

"Oh, hello," Faye said. "Would you know how to get out of here?"

"No," the demon librarian said. "This contains the names and rooms of everyone in Hell."

"Really?" Faye asked. "Hmmm… could you look up a name for me?"

"Sure," the demon librarian said. "If you give me your soul! Mwahahaha!"

"Can I just give you my bra instead?" Faye asked. "It's encrusted with diamonds."  


"I do need a new bra," the librarian said, pointing to her sagging breasts. "Alright, fine."

  
Faye reached into her yellow vest, took off her bra, and handed it to the demon librarian.

"Alright," Faye said. "Look up the name… Spike Spiegal."

---

Edward found herself inside a large room filled with cages. A sign on the wall read "DICTATOR DOG POUND". The cages were filled with evil dictators from all time periods.

"Oooh," Edward said. "A dog pound? But there are humans in here!"  


Edward gasped.

"Oh no, Edward is in heck! This isn't good…" Edward said. 

"Hey, kid!" yelled a voice from one of the cages. Edward turned toward the cage to see the evil German dictator, Adolf Hitler, staring at her.

  
"Oooh, are you a bad man?" Edward asked.

"Uh, no! I'm not a bad man!" Hitler said. "I got in here by mistake! Could you please open this cage?"

Edward walked up to the cage.

"Open up you?" Edward asked. "Ooh la la…"

"Please?" Hitler begged. 

Edward leaned in toward the cage… and began chomping on Hitler's ear. Hitler screamed as Edward's sharp teeth tugged at his ear and wouldn't let go.

  
"Aaaah! Aaaah! Aaaaaaaah!" Hitler shrieked. 

Edward let go of Hitler's ear.

"You're a bad man!" Edward yelled. "Edward is going to find Andy-person and Faye-Faye! Hmph!"

  
Edward angrily stomped out of the dog pound.

---

Meanwhile, Andy continued to venture around Hell, looking for an exit. Just then, he happened on two people who were standing near a lamp post. It was Matt Hardy IV and Rick, Jet and Gabby's nemesis.

"And I got killed twice," Rick said. "Can you believe it?"  


"Maybe if you had a few more of my Mattributes, and just a little bit more Mattitude, you wouldn't have suffered such an unfortunate Twist of Fate!" Matt Hardy IV quipped. Andy walked up to them.

"Hey, guys," Andy said. "You know a way out of here?"

"No," Matt Hardy IV said. "I've been sentenced to an eternity of pain and suffering."

"Me too!" Rick said. "Hey, I recognize you! You're that jerk who interfered when I tried to beat up Jet! I'm gonna kill you!"

"He'll do it, too. He's got a lot of Mattitude!" Matt Hardy IV said. "He's my little MFer!"

"Excuse me?" Andy asked.

"Mattitude Follower! MFer! Get it?" Matt Hardy IV asked.

"I guess so," Andy said. A demon walked up to Rick.

  
"Okay, time for your ten o'clock torture," the demon said.

"My watch says 9:59!" Rick yelled.

"Your watch sucks," the demon said. He began to drag Rick away.

"Wait!" Andy said. "Do you know a way out of here?"

"You're not supposed to be here, are you?" the demon asked. "You don't look like a bad guy. Well, I don't know the way out, actually. You'll have to ask the boss about that."

Andy gasped.

  
"You don't mean…" Andy stammered.

"Yep," the demon said. "Satan knows the way out of here… I think. Anyway, I've got work to do."  


The demon started to leave again. Andy stopped him.

"Wait!" Andy shouted. "How do we get to Satan?"

"Follow the fire brick road," the demon said.

"Follow the fire brick road?" Andy asked.

Hundreds of demons leaped out of the flames and began singing.

  
"Follow the fire brick road! Follow the fire brick road! Follow the-" the demons chanted.

"I don't have time for this," Andy said. 

  
"Fine," the demon said. He snapped his fingers, causing all the other demons to disappear. "I never get to sing…"

The demon walked off, dragging Rick away.

"Alright," Andy said, turning to Matt Hardy IV. "Wanna come with me?"

"Okay," Hardy IV said. "You look like you have lots of Mattitude!"

  
"Great!" Andy said. "Let's go!"

"Can we sing?" Matt Hardy IV asked.

"I said I don't have time," Andy said. "Oh, fine, whatever."

Andy and Matt Hardy IV skipped down the fire brick road, singing as they went along.

__

Oh, we're off to see the devil!

The terrible devilly guy!

He's mean, he's bad, and if you are too

  
You'll see him when you die!

And nobody wants to do that because

Because of the terrible things he does

Because because because because because!

Because of the terrible things he does!

Oh, we're off to see the devil!

The terrible devilly guy!

---

Meanwhile, in Satan's office, the devil was very busily doing corporate office work. A demon secretary walked in to see him.

"Hey, what's up?" Satan asked. "Who's next on the torture schedule?"

"A greasy-haired man named Vicious, sir," the secretary said.

"Great! Send demons to torture him right away," Satan said. "And get out! Mwahaha!"

"Yes sir," the demon said, walking out.

---

Meanwhile, Faye continued to walk through Hell. 

"Spike's in section EE, cell 17,685," Faye said. "I can't wait to see him and tell him how much I love him!"  


Suddenly, a man walked up to Faye. He began laughing.

"Mwahaha!" the man laughed. "Remember me? I'm Leroy Brown!"

"Ha ha, you died," Faye laughed. "You suck."  


"I'm going to kidnap you and use you to lure Andy into my trap!" Leroy laughed. "Well, I would kidnap you, but former Secretary of State Colin Powell is hoarding all the duct tape I was going to use to tie you up with. So, uh… can you pretend to be tied up?"

"No," Faye said. "Wait a minute… Colin Powell doesn't belong here!"

"Guilt by association, I guess… he works for Bush," Leroy said. "Anyway, uh…"

"Leroy, your pants are on fire," Faye said. Leroy looked down. Sure enough, his pants were on fire.

"Aaah!" Leroy screamed. He ran around, his pants burning with flames. Faye began laughing.

"Well, if you'll excuse me, I have a space cowboy to find," Faye said. "See you on the flip side!"

  
Faye ran off, leaving Leroy and his pants to burn.

---

Meanwhile, Andy and Matt Hardy IV had reached the end of the fire brick road and were standing right outside Satan's office.

"Come in," said an evil sounding voice from inside. Andy and Hardy IV walked in and sat down across the desk from Satan.

  
"Hello," Andy said. "Now, I'm not here to mince words. I want out of here!"

  
"Really?" Satan asked. "I'll tell you how to get out… in exchange for your soul! Bwahahahaha!"

"You'd better do what he says," Hardy IV said. "He's got a lot of Mattitude!"

  
"What are you doing in my office, Matt Hardy IV? You're supposed to be getting tortured right now!" Satan yelled angrily. Two demons stepped up behind Matt Hardy IV and dragged him out of Satan's office.

"Uh, I'm sorry about that," Andy said. "I just wanted him to tag along."

"Silence!" Satan yelled. "Andy, I want your soul!"  


"If you took my soles, my shoes wouldn't fit!" Andy said. "Actually, I'm wearing cowboy boots, and if you took their soles, they'd be ruined, and I spent a lot of money on these shoes, and-"

  
"Silence!" Satan yelled again. "I meant your soul!"  


"I know what you meant, and the answer is no," Andy said. "These are my lucky boots!"

  
"Are you sassing me?" Satan asked.

  
"Are you sassing me?" Andy sassed mockingly. "Heh, that was just a joke there."  


"Silence!" Satan yelled a third time.

"You're not being quiet," Andy said. "Hypocrite."

"That does it! Guards!" Satan yelled. Two more demons entered the room and grabbed Andy.

"Hey, I don't deserve this!" Andy yelled. "I want to know how to get out!"

"You'll never get out!" Satan shouted. "Mwahahaha!"

The two demons dragged Andy away.

---

Meanwhile, inside a torture chamber deep inside Hell, Vicious was chained to the wall. A smirk was on his face. Ten demons walked into the room.

"Heh heh," Vicious chuckled. "Fools."

  
"What are you so happy about?" one of the demons asked. "You some kind of masochist or something?"

"Heh heh," Vicious chuckled again. "You'd better kill me and get it over with."

"Whatever," the demon said. "You'd like that, wouldn't you?"

Suddenly, Raven IV ran into the room. The ten demons immediately beat him to death.

"See?" the demon said. "It didn't work. Ha!"

Vicious chuckled again.

  
"That wasn't my real plan," Vicious said. This time, a real raven flew in.

"Nevermore! Nevermore!" quothed the raven as it pecked at the demons' eyes. The raven flew over and freed Vicious from his chains. Vicious unsheathed his katana.

"The NWO is reborn!" Vicious shouted. Hulk Hogan, Kevin Nash IV, and Scott Hall IV ran into the room and began beating the crap out of the demons. 

"What are we gonna do now, brother? What are we gonna do when Hulkamania runs wild on us?" Hogan asked.

"Some unfinished business," Satan said. "C'mon."

---

  
Meanwhile, in the dungeon, Andy was sitting in one of the cells.

"I'm depressed," Andy sighed. "I'll never get out of here!"

"Andy-person?" came a voice from the cell across from Andy. Andy looked up to see Edward sitting in the cell across from him. 

"Edward?" Andy asked. "How did you get in here?"

"Edward was walking around when somebody grabbed Edward from behind and knocked Edward out! And now Edward is here…" Edward sighed. "Edward is tired…"

  
Edward flopped onto the bed in her cell and fell asleep.

"I guess I'll get some shut-eye too," Andy said. "I'll figure out a way out of here in the morning…"  
  
Andy flopped onto his bed and fell asleep.

---

Meanwhile, Faye had reached Section EE and was in the hallway containing cells 17,650-17,700. 

"Almost there," Faye said. She continued to walk. Finally, she reached cell 17,685. But when she got there, two demons were standing in front of it. They seemed to be talking to each other.

"We torture the guy, but it's like he doesn't even feel it," one of the demons said. "He's so depressed…

"And he keeps mentioning a guy named Julia," the other demon said. "Poor guy… his lover's in Heaven and he's here. 

"Actually, it's kinda funny," the first demon said. Faye walked up to the two demons.

"Is Spike Spiegel in there?" Faye asked.

"He sure is," the first demon said. "Hey, who are you?"

"My name is Faye Valentine," Faye said. "I'm visiting Hell to look for Spike."

"You can't go in there. Only demons can," the second demon said. "If you want in, you have to give us your soul!"

Faye lifted up her vest and flashed her breasts to the demons.

"Never mind," the first demon said. "Go on in!"  


"Spike, here I come," Faye said. She opened the door and walked inside.

---

Meanwhile, in the dungeon…

"Andy-person, wakey up!" Edward yelled. Andy sat up in his bed.

"Edward, how did you get in here?" Andy asked.

"All of the cells are open," Edward said. "This is creepy…"

  
Edward and Andy stepped inside. Edward pointed at the ground.

"A trail of blood," Edward said. "Andy-person, Edward is scared!"

"Let's investigate," Andy said. Andy and Edward followed the trail of blood. The dead bodies of demons were strewn along the trail. The trail of blood continued and continued on and on, all the way to Satan's office.

"Maybe we shouldn't go in," Edward said.

"Nonsense!" Andy said. He opened the door. 

"Uh oh… ooh la la," Edward said. "Lookie…"

Satan was slumped over on his desk in a pool of blood. A katana had been stuck into his back.

"Oh my God, they've killed Satan!" Andy yelled. "Whodunit? Who stabbed Satan? Who's going to solve this?"

"Maybe you!" Edward said, pointing straight at the camera. The camera panned around to reveal that Edward was pointing at Andy.

"Yeah, I'll give it a shot," Andy said.

__

To be continued…

---

  
Trunks: Hello, I'm Trunks Briefs…

Ami: And I'm Ami Mizuno! And we're going to plug Ry's next fanfic, "Love In A Ruined World"!

Trunks: It's gonna be wonderful, angsty, kawaii…

Ami: Oh, Trunks… *kisses him seductively*

Andy: Hey! This is our preview!

  
Faye: That's right!

  
Trunks: I don't think so.

Andy: Plug in your own fanfic!

Spike: Here's to Bebop!

Faye: Oh, Spike… *kisses him seductively*

  
Spike: Mmm! *pushes Faye off of him* Go kiss Andy!

Faye: Oh, Andy… *facefaults*

Trunks: Next episode… "Trunks and Ami Make Love"!

Andy: No, no, NO! Next episode: "Dude, We're Going To Hell (Part 2)"!

Ami: Aww…


	26. Dude, We're Going To Hell Part 2

A few reviews! 

Katie: Glad you liked all the funny one-liners! And Andy may get hooked on phonics. He does need some help! ^_^ And the bra is only encrusted on the outside. Hee… and the cliffhanger at the end is kinda a mixture of the Shinra death in FF7 (when Sephy stabs President Shinra) and the Who Shot Mr. Burns scene from the Simpsons! Anyway, thanks for reviewing, and I hope you enjoy my Trunks/Ami fic when I start writing it!

The Review Guy: Welp, I've never seen Bill and Ted. Heard it was good though. Welp, thanks for reviewing!

PsychoPapaya: They smashed to the ground because they didn't really want to admit their love for each other and all the sexual tension made them fall and go boom. And OOC means out-of-character, when a character acts sorta different in a fic then they do in the show.

NessacusGirl: You hope Andy ends up with Faye, hmmm? Welp, he might! Or Spike might. Oooh, cliffhanger! ^_^ Hope you enjoy the final chappie!

RaigekiLeviathan: The wait is over! The final chapter is heeeeeeeere!!! ^_^

Trunkz: Welp, ya kinda knew it would end after 26 chapters. Maybe you'll wanna check out my Trunks/Ami fic! It won't be nearly as funny as this, but it will be really good, I promise! Thanks for reviewing!

---

Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop or any of the characters. I also don't own Satan. Wait, the Bible is public domain. I don't have to put a disclaimer if I use him! And that means I can kill him off, too! And uh… I love you all! Especially Gabby! ^_^

Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now.

---

Faye walked into Spike's cell and looked around.

"Spike?" Faye said softly. "Are you here?"

Faye continued to walk around until she saw who she was looking for. She gasped.  
  
"Spike!" Faye said. Spike was sitting on his bed, his head looking down at the ground sadly. A CD player next to his bed played "Adieu" repeatedly.

__

I'm gone for good

You won't see me again

  
Adieu

I'm ten million miles away

And you have to stay

So far away from me

Depressed, and sad

Boo-hoo

Faye crawled onto Spike's bed and tapped him on the shoulder. 

  
"Spike?" Faye said. "Oh, Spike…"

  
Spike turned around.

"So, you finally screwed someone who had an STD," Spike said. "Sucks to be you."

---

****

Session 52: Dude, We're Going To Hell (Part 2)

---

Meanwhile, in Satan's office…

"Who did this?" Andy asked, removing the sword from Satan's back. 

"Edward doesn't know, Andy-person!" Edward said. "You're the bounty hunter, you figure it out!"

"Well, I've narrowed it down to either God, or someone bad," Andy said. "And I'm pretty sure God would have used a bigger sword. So it's obvious that this was perpetrated by someone bad."

"Heck is full of bad people, Andy!" Edward said. "We'll have to check them all out!"

  
"Then check them out we will!" Andy declared. "Come, Edward! You'll be my super-cool assistant cowgirl, okay?"  


"Yay, yay, yay! Edward will be the best cowgirl!" Edward said. She hugged Andy, then skipped off with him.

---

Back in Spike's cell…

  
"So you're not dead. You fell down here by accident," Spike said. "Interesting."

"Spike, don't you see?" Faye asked. "This is our second chance for love!"

  
"I love Julia, and I always will," Spike said. "I'm a stubborn misguided cowboy."

"But Julia's in Heaven and you're down here," Faye said. "How did you get down here, anyway?"

"I didn't say my prayers or take my vitamins, brother," Spike said. "You've gotta do one of the two."

"Oh," Faye said. "Julia said her prayers?"  


"No, she took her vitamins. She was pretty into the ephedrine. That's probably how she died," Spike said. "Wait, no, I remember now. It was a botched Pedigree from Triple H IV. Duh."

  
"Spike, please, please, PLEASE love me!" Faye shouted.  


"No," Spike said. "Now go away. I'm depressed."

  
"Look at you," Faye said. "You used to be badass, and now you're just sadass. You've changed, Spike."

Faye pulled up a chair next to the bed and sat down in it.

"I'm not leaving until you admit that you love me," Faye said. "So there."  


"Whatever," Spike said. He turned back around and continued to wallow in his stubborn depression.

---

Meanwhile, in a large cathedral deep in the core of Hell…

"Hey, yo," Scott Hall IV said. "Why would there be a cathedral down here anyway? This is Hell."

"Don't question Vicious, brother!" Hulk Hogan said. 

"I've been secretly building this cathedral down here, waiting for the glorious day when the NWO would take over Hell," Vicious said. "And now we have! Isn't that neat? Anyway, our first mission."

Vicious snapped his fingers, causing a huge closed-circuit TV to drop down from the ceiling. Images of Spike and Faye together in Spike's cell appeared on the screen.

  
"We're going to kill Spike and capture the girl," Vicious said. "Faye is so hot, and I've wanted to get with her for two months! Now is my ultimate chance. There is justice! MWAHAHAHAHA!"

  
Vicious facefaulted. He stood up again.

  
"I mean, uh… when angels fall from heaven they become snow angels," Vicious said. "Let's roll."

---

"Did you kill Satan?" Andy yelled. The camera panned out to reveal Napoleon sitting in an interrogation chair, a white-hot light shining on his face.

"I didn't!" Napoleon yelled. "I swear!"  
  
Edward began chewing on Napoleon's ears.

  
"Argh!" Napoleon screamed. "Alright! Alright!"

"You killed Satan?" Andy asked.

  
"No!" Napoleon yelled. "But one day, when Satan wasn't looking… I stole a mint from the candy bowl on his desk. I didn't know they were for him! I was hungry!"

"Alright, you didn't kill him," Andy said. "But would you know who did?"  
  
"I know someone who might know," Napoleon said. "But this guy is really, really mean!"  


"WHO?" Andy yelled. "TELL ME!"  
  
"Aaaah!" Napoleon shouted. "His name… is Hunter Hearnst Helmsley IV!"

"Of course!" Andy shouted. "Triple H!"  


"Yes!" Napoleon said. "Now would you call off your dog?"  


Edward chomped on Napoleon's ear harder.

  
"AAAAAAAAAAARGH!" Napoleon screamed.

---

Meanwhile, in Spike's cell…

"I'm so depressed," Spike sighed.

  
"You've said that 286 times already," Faye said. "I've been keeping count."

  
"You know what you can do with that counter?" Spike asked.

  
"No, what?" Faye asked.

  
"You can take that counter, shine it up real nice, turn it sideways, and stick it STRAIGHT UP YOUR ROODYPOO CANDY-"

At that moment, Vicious and the NWO members broke down the door. They ran into the room. Faye gasped in horror.

"Vicious!" Faye shouted. "But I thought you-"

  
"You thought wrong, brother!" Hulk Hogan shouted. "Vicious is back, Jack! What'cha gonna do when Vicious and the millions of Viciousmaniacs run wild on YOU?"

"I don't know," Faye said. "Scream, maybe?"

"You do that," Kevin Nash IV said. "But-"

  
Nash IV stepped toward Faye. Almost immediately, his right leg collapsed underneath him. He fell to the ground, clutching his quadracep in pain.

"That always happens," Scott Hall IV said.

  
"Enough of this," Vicious said. He took out his katana and slashed off Nash IV's head. "Anyone else want some?"

Spike walked toward Vicious and took out his gun.

  
"I want some!" Spike yelled. "Give me a piece!"

"Spike, you're not depressed anymore!" Faye said. "Oh, Spike!"

Hulk Hogan and Scott Hall IV got behind Spike and held him in place. Spike struggled to get away, but couldn't.

  
"Ha!" Vicious yelled. "All this time moping around has made you soft, Spike. But I'm as hard as a rock! I'm as hard as a diamond! I'm as hard as Hugh Hefner's pe-"

  
"We get it," Faye said. She took out her gun and pointed it at Vicious. "And now you're going to get it!"

Faye tried to shoot at Vicious, but Vicious kicked the gun out of her hand before she could. The gun flew across the room and skidded under the bed. Faye dashed for it, but Vicious immediately got behind her and slapped a pair of handcuffs on her wrists.

"Geez, you are frickin' fast," Faye said.

  
"It's a gift," Vicious said. He held Faye with one arm and pointed his sword at Spike with the other. "I should kill you now."

"I'm already dead," Spike said. "I've been dead ever since Julia left me. I'm a mopy, whiny, depressed stubborn loser."

  
"I know," Vicious said. "That's why I'm going to give you one chance to rescue Faye. Come to the cathedral and we'll have our climactic final battle there."

Vicious dragged Faye out of Spike's cell. Scott Hall IV immediately hit a powerbomb on Spike, knocking him out. Then, Hulk Hogan hit Spike with the Atomic Leg Drop. Vicious turned to his two NWO members and gestured for them to go.

  
"We've beat him up enough," Vicious said. "Leave some for me."

  
Scott Hall IV held up a can of spray paint. 

"Hey yo! Can I spraypaint NWO on his yoohoo?" Hall IV asked. "It's sorta my thing."

Vicious pushed Faye over to Hogan and walked up to Scott Hall IV. He unsheathed his katana.

  
"How about... NO!" Vicious yelled. He sliced off Scott Hall IV's head. "Sick freak. Let's go!"

---

Meanwhile, Andy and Edward had just entered Triple H IV's cell.

"What do you want?" Triple H IV asked.

  
"I'll be asking the questions," Andy said. "First of all, what is your name?"  


"Well-"

"IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS!" Andy shouted.

"Good one, Andy-person!" Edward giggled.

"Second question. Who killed Satan?" Andy asked.

"I did!" Triple H IV said. "Because I am The Game! And I am that... damn... good!"

"You really killed Satan?" Andy asked.

"No," Triple H IV said. "Vicious did it."

Edward gasped.

  
"Vicious?" Edward gasped. "Not Vicious! Wait, who's Vicious?"  


"He's the guy that killed Spike," Andy said. "Faye told me. Of course, Faye is a horrible liar, so... well, if Vicious is tough enough to kill Spike, then he's tough enough to kill Satan."

Andy paced around the room.

"Question number three," Andy said. "Where is Vicious?"

"I don't know," Triple H IV said. "He never told me. But there is one person who does know."

"And who would that be?" Andy asked.

"A guy by the name of Leroy Brown," Triple H IV said. "Vicious tried to get him to join the NWO, but Leroy wanted Vicious to be his lackey. They had a fight, and Vicious won. They fought in whatever place Vicious chose as his secret headquarters. If anyone knows where Vicious is, it's Leroy."  


"Great," Andy said. "I have to get information out of my arch rival. Hip hip hooray."

"Andy-person, you can't ask the bad man for help!" Edward said. "He could hurt you!"  


"Edward, I have to go," Andy said. "I have this weird feeling boiling up inside me that someone I care about could be in bad danger if I don't find out where Vicious is."

"You mean Faye-Faye?" Edward asked.

"Bingo," Andy said. "Let's go!"

---

Meanwhile, in Vicious' cathedral...

"Spike should have been here by now," Vicious said. 

  
"I bet he's a coward, brother!" Hulk Hogan IV said. "He doesn't take his vitamins and he doesn't say his prayers!"

Hanging from the ceiling was a very, very angry looking Faye. Her wrists and ankles were chained, and an NWO sticker placed over her mouth muffled her cries. She had been annoying Vicious with muffled curses for the past twenty minutes.

"She's annoying," Vicious said. "Hulk, I want you to drown her out with a long and boring promo."

"You've got it, brother!" Hogan yelled. He began Hulking up. "Spike Spiegel, brother, what'cha gonna do when Hulkamania runs wild on you? Brother, you'd better be taking your vitamins and saying your prayers, because I just signed a brand new contract! So, brother, Hulk Hogan is back, Jack! And the first person I want to beat the living hell out of is you, Spike! Brother, what'cha gonna do? I said what'cha gonna do when Hulkamania... I SAID WHAT'CHA GONNA DO, BROTHER, WHEN HULKAMANIA RUNS WILD ON YOU?"

  
Hogan began parading around the cathedral, cupping his hand over his ear over and over in the familiar Hulk Hogan "I can't hear you" motion. 

"Brother, it's gonna be Hulk Hogan and his Hulkamaniacs versus the Spikajabroni, brother! You got that right! So what'cha gonna... what'cha gonna... WHAT'CHA GONNA DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO BROTHER, WHEN HULKAMANIA RUNS WILD ON-"

"IF YA SMELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!! IF YA SMELELELELELELELELELELELELELELELELELLOOKATTHETONGUELOOK ATTHETONGUELOOKATTHETONGUE... IF YA SMELELELELELELELELELELELELELELEL.... WHAT SPIKE... IS COOKIN'!"

Faye's eyes lit up.

__

"Oh, Spike! My hero! You've come!" Faye thought. Spike ran down the aisle of the cathedral and faced Hulk Hogan.

"Finally!" Spike shouted. "Finally! FINALLY! FINALLY, SPIKE SPIEGEL HAS COME BACK TO HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL.... aw, who gives a crap!"

"Brother, what'cha gonna do-" was all Hulk Hogan could say before Spike took out his gun and shot Hogan in the head, killing him. Again.

"Wow, Spike," Vicious said. "Not bad. But you've got to better than that to save Faye."

  
"I didn't come to save Faye," Spike said. "I came to show you something."

Spike powered up to SSJ.

"This is a Super Saiyan," Spike said. "Isn't it cool?"

"I guess," Vicious said. "What's your point?"  


"This-" Spike said, powering up again and making his golden hair even bigger, "is an Ascended Super Saiyan. You might just call it Super Saiyan 2."

"So?" Vicious said. "I went Super Saiyan on your mom last night. Heh heh."

  
"No you didn't," Spike said. "And this...."

Spike began groaning and moaning as if he was constipated.

  
"Crap, I haven't used the bathroom today," Spike said. "Hold on."

Spike ran off to the bathroom.

---

Meanwhile...

"We've looked all over and we haven't found Leroy," Andy said. "I'm a cowboy failure! They oughta rename this show Cowboy Failure, because that's what I am!"

"Never give up!" Edward shouted. "Faye-Faye needs you!"

"You're right," Andy said. "Faye-Faye does need me! LEROY, GET YOUR FAT BUTT OVER HERE RIGHT NOW!"

Leroy Brown ran up to Andy.

"Wow, that actually worked," Andy said. "Awesome."

"Finally, I've caught you in my trap!" Leroy shouted. "Mwahahaha!"

  
"Leroy, do you know where Vicious is?" Andy asked.

"Sure!" Leroy said. "He's in a large cathedral in the middle of Hell. You can't miss it!"  


"Great!" Andy said. "ONYX, GET YOUR FAT BUTT OVER HERE RIGHT NOW!"

Onyx galloped up to Andy. Andy and Edward hopped on Onyx as it galloped away.

"Wait a second, I really messed up," Leroy said. He took out his gun. "Come back, Andy! Come back!"

Leroy fired five shots into the air, then collapsed to the ground, sobbing.

---

"Okay, I'm back," Spike said, walking into the cathedral. "Now, where were we?"

"You were showing me an Ascended Super Saiyan," Vicious said.

"Oh yeah!" Spike replied. "Anyway, this.... is to go... even further beyond! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh...."

  
A huge aura of golden ki began to surround Spike. He continued screaming. His muscles began to bulk up. The cathedral began to shake, causing the chain Faye was hanging from to swing back and forth. Vicious began cowering in fear.

"He's becoming so ugly!" Vicious shouted. "His eyebrows are disappearing!"

---

Meanwhile...

"Goin' to save Faye-Faye," Andy sang. "Doot de doo..."

Suddenly, Onyx neighed and reared back. Andy and Edward nearly fell off of the horse.

"Yikes, Andy-person!" Edward shouted. "What's going on?"

"Trouble," Andy said. "Faye, HERE I COME!"  


Onyx galloped toward the center of Hell at lightning-quick speed! What a fast horse! Go, Onyx, go!

---

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh- done," Spike said. He had powered up to SSJ3. His hair was now extremely long and had taken on a golden glow. Vicious screamed in terror.

"My God, Spike, your hair is really freaking ugly!" Vicious yelled. "And you have no eyebrows. That is just sick, man!"

Vicious unsheathed his katana.

  
"Spike, prepare to die!" Vicious shouted. He ran at Spike. Spike took out his gun and began firing on Vicious. One of the bullets grazed Vicious' shoulder. Vicious ran at Spike and slashed at him. Spike used his gun to block the slash.

"Just like last time," Spike said. "We're both going to die, again."

"That is our fate," Vicious said. "To keep fighting and to keep dying. It is the eternal dance of death that we do."

"And it shall continue, forever and ever," Spike said. He leapt back and tried to shoot at Vicious, but Vicious continued to hold back Spike's gun with his katana.  


"We'll both die," Vicious said. "And that'll be just fine."

"I agree," Spike replied.

Vicious leapt back.

"Spike, look over there!" Vicious yelled, pointing behind Spike. 

"Okay," Spike said. He turned around to look. In that split second, Vicious stabbed him in the back with his katana. Spike gasped, powered down, and fell to the ground.

"MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMPH!" Faye screamed.

"Yeah, that's what I would say too if I just lost my lover," Vicious said. "Spike, any last words?"

"Bang," Spike said. He fell unconscious.

"Game, set, match," Vicious said.

---

Just outside the cathedral...

"Edward, I want you to stay here," Andy said. Edward hopped off of Onyx.

"Andy-person, are you going to die?" Edward asked.

"I'm not going in there to die," Andy said. "I'm going in there to save Faye Valentine, the woman I love!"

  
"Yay!" Edward cheered. "Go, Andy-person!"

Onyx galloped into the cathedral.

---

"I won," Vicious said. "Now to claim my prize."

  
Vicious pressed a button on the wall. The chain that Faye was hanging from lowered to the floor so that Vicious and Faye were on the same level. Vicious laughed maliciously.

"Guess what I get to do?" Vicious asked.

__

"Oh, I can only imagine..." Faye thought. _"He's gonna make me play Superman 64! SOMEBODY HELP ME!"  
_

"I'm going to make you play Superman 64," Vicious said. "Bwahaha!"

__

"Wow, I was only joking... I thought he was going to do something perverted," Faye thought. _"Wait a second. HE'S GOING TO MAKE ME PLAY SUPERMAN 64! SOMEBODY HELP ME!"  
_

The closed-circuit TV lowered from the ceiling. Vicious placed a Nintendo 64 controller in Faye's chained hands.

  
"The controls are so bad on this game, it wouldn't matter if you were tied up or not," Vicious said. "And the gameplay really sucks! Mwahahaha!"

  
Vicious walked toward the Power button. Faye closed her eyes.

__

"Oh no, oh no, oh no..." Faye thought.

"It's Superman 64 time!" Vicious shouted. "Bwahahaha!"

  
The faint clicking of hooves could be heard in the background. It grew louder and louder. Vicious turned around.

"What the heck?" Vicious said. "What's going on?"

"Go Go Cactus Man" began to play in the background. It started as a whistling, but as the song slowly progressed, more and more instruments were added to the song. Faye turned her head toward the cathedral entrance.

__

"No way," Faye thought. _"No freaking way...."_

Suddenly, the song launched into a full orchestral symphony. Onyx crashed through the stained-glass windows at the top of the cathedral. Andy leaped off of Onyx and landed on the ground, 10 feet away from Vicious and Faye.

  
"Who are you?" Vicious asked.

  
"I'll be asking the questions around here," Andy said. "And my question... who are you? WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU??? YEE-HAW!"

Andy took out two guns and began shooting them into the air like a crazy cowboy. Faye growled angrily.

__

"Idiot," Faye thought. Andy stopped shooting his guns and pointed them at Vicious.

"Time to die!" Andy shouted. He began shooting at Vicious with the guns, which clicked as Andy pulled the trigger. "Oh fudgicling schlock. Click is a bad noise, right?"

"Yeah," Vicious said. "That's the good thing about swords. They never click!"

Vicious slashed at Andy with his sword. However, it turned out that Vicious was wrong. As Vicious tried to swing, he heard a clicking noise.

"Ha!" Andy said. "Well, what do you know?"  


"That's crazy," Vicious said. "Oh crap! I forgot to have my sword re.... re... whatever you do to it. Grrr..."

Vicious tossed his sword to the ground. Andy did the same with his guns.

"Time for good old fists!" Andy shouted. He ran at Vicious and punched him hard in the face. Vicious staggered back. Andy lunged forward and punched Vicious in the face again, knocking him to the ground.

"Wait!" Vicious yelled. "Don't hit me anymore. I've been using my sword so long that I forgot how to fight with my fists!"

"Really?" Andy asked. "Well..."

"Psyche!" Vicious yelled. He jumped up and kicked Andy in the groin. Andy squealed in pain and doubled over.

"Argh!" Andy yelled. "That was a cheap shot!"

"I'm a bad guy," Vicious said. "I'm the master of cheap shots!"

Vicious walked over to Faye and took the gun out of her holster. Faye glared at him angrily.

"Oh, stop that," Vicious said. "It's not like you need it."  


Vicious pointed the gun at Andy's head.

"Via... condios," Vicious said. He clicked the gun. 

"Wait!" Faye shouted. Vicious turned around.

"How can you talk? I put that sticker on your mouth!" Vicious yelled.

"Those things are crap," Faye said. "A few beads of sweat will pop those right off."

"Faye..." Andy groaned. "I'm sorry..."

  
"Vicious, you can't kill Andy!" Faye yelled. "Because... because I love him!"

No facefault.

"You didn't facefault this time?" Andy asked. "You really... do love me?"

"Yes, Andy," Faye said. "After all these weeks, I've finally realized that Spike is a big fat failure. He completely failed to save me!"

"But so did I," Andy said. "I freaking failed!"

"Yeah, but you're cute," Faye said. "And you're funny! I remember this one time-"

"Enough of this crap," Vicious said. "I've got a murder to commit!"

Vicious lowered the gun at Andy again.

"Die! For the last time!" Vicious shouted.

"VICIOUS, STOP NOW!" yelled a booming voice from the heavens. Vicious looked up to see a giant finger pointing at him. Andy and Faye gasped.

"It's... the big cheese," Faye said.

"The guy upstairs," Andy said.

"The grand poobah," Faye said.

"The president of the United States of Heaven," Andy said.

"The king of the universe," Faye said.

  
"The Heaven Wrestling Entertainment Undisputed Champion," Andy said.

"What do you want?" Vicious asked.

  
"YOU KILLED SATAN. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TRAINING HE HAD AS A MASTER OF EVIL?" the voice boomed. "A LOT. YOU DON'T FIND GUYS LIKE THAT WITH THAT MUCH TRAINING!"  


"And?" Vicious asked. "What's your point?"

  
"IF YOU'RE GOING TO BE THE NEW SATAN, YOU HAVE TO BE TRAINED!" the voice boomed. "IT'S A ONE HUNDRED YEAR COURSE, AND THERE'S LOTS OF HOMEWORK."

The hand grabbed Vicious.

"Nooooo!" Vicious yelled. The hand of God pulled Vicious up through the roof and out of the cathedral.

"That was cool," Faye said. 

"Yeah," Andy said. "It seems sorta like the author wrote himself into a corner and had God bail him out. I mean-"

The large finger pointed at Andy again and began to charge up an energy ball.

"I take it back," Andy said. The hand of God disappeared. "Whew..."

  
Andy picked up Faye's gun and shot three times. The chains around Faye snapped, dropping her into Andy's arms.

  
"Such a manly cowboy," Faye said.

"But I didn't save you," Andy said. "God did."

"But if you hadn't come and stalled Vicious, I would have had to play Superman 64," Faye said. "You saved my life, Andy! I love you!"

No facefault.

"Yay!" Andy shouted. He moved his face close to Faye's. Then, they kissed.

*2 hours later...*

Andy and Faye were still kissing.

*6 hours later...*

  
Andy and Faye were still kissing.

*10 hours after that...*

  
Guess what? It's Andy and Faye! And they were still kissing! Edward walked in.

"Edward got worried when Andy-person didn't come out," Edward said. "Is everything alright in-"

  
Edward gasped.

"They're trying to eat each other's faces!" Edward shouted. "Oh wait, they're kissing! Awww... Andy and Faye-Faye, sitting in a tree!"

---

  
Meanwhile, in a fiery classroom deep in the depths of Hell...

"VICIOUS, ARE YOU READY FOR YOUR TRAINING TO BEGIN?" a loud voice boomed.

"No," Vicious said, sitting in the only desk in the room. "I want to go home!"

Suddenly, a huge hand walked into the room. It wasn't attached to a body.

"Eh?" Vicious asked. "But I thought you were the hand of-"

  
A large door on the top of the hand slid open. A 15-year-old boy holding a huge sword jumped out of the hand and landed in front of Vicious.

"Like my robot?" the boy asked. "Heh heh!"

  
"It was a robot?" Vicious asked.

"Yeah," the boy said. "I'm the author. My name's Ry Senkari! Hee hee, you thought I was God."

"You're impersonating God! You're going to Hell!" Vicious shouted.

"Eh, I checked it out with the big man before I tricked you," I said. "There's nothing against it in the Bible... at least I don't think. Hey, I saved Faye! I rock! And for you..."

A large TV appeared in front of Vicious. A Nintendo 64 controller appeared in Vicious' hand.

"You have to play Superman 64 for all eternity!" I shouted. "Enjoy!"

  
I teleported out of the room, leaving Vicious to play Superman 64. I am SO awesome.

---

Back aboard the Bebop...

"Faye," Andy said, kneeling before Faye and holding a beautiful diamond ring in his hand. "Will you marry me?"

  
"Of course I will!" Faye said. She slid the ring onto her finger and gave Andy a big kiss.

"They're so sweet!" Edward said. "Go Andy-person and Faye-Faye!"

---

Meanwhile, Spike Spiegel limped through Purgatory, searching for Julia.

  
"I'll find you if it takes me a thousand years!" Spike shouted. "This sucks. Now my character's ending is the ambiguous one. Will I find Julia? Will I not find Julia? You'll never know!"

---

They will now! Here is the Epilogue!  


__

Two weeks later, Andy and Faye were married in a huge ceremony. They had seven wonderful children who went on many wonderful adventures!

  
Edward became the most successful cowgirl/bounty hunter/supermodel of all time! Isn't that nice?  


Applederry failed to win his 25th Kickboxing Championship. His wife beat him in the semifinals. In the finals, she lost when Chris Jericho IV hit her with a folding chair. Jericho then went on to win for the next 25 years.

Jet and Gabby lived a long and prosperous life as well! They also had a bunch of kids. Macintyre and Stephi had no kids, but won one of Jet and Gabby's kids in a poker game. Gabby would later win him back.

Hell was bought by the former executives of Enron, and it became Enron Hell. The workforce was made up of everyone who had been condemned there. Not surprisingly, conditions in Enron Hell were much worse than conditions in the real Hell.

I would go on to write a wonderful Trunks/Ami romance fanfic called "Love In A Ruined World". Everyone read it, loved it, and enjoyed it.

Andy: No they didn't.

Faye: Talk about us some more!

  
Ry: Uh... I love everyone who read! Bye! *runs off*

Faye: This ending sucks.

Andy: Don't worry, our children will beat a better ending out of Ry. 

Faye: You lost our children to Gabby in a poker game, remember?  
  
Andy: D'oh!


End file.
